I guess this isn't much of a Christmas present, but at least it's an update. Hope you enjoy. Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays!
It was a few hours later that L returned to the room. He looked at Light and smiled at him softly. He couldn't help it, he loved him, so much. Sighing sadly he turned to the kitchen. The fridge was his next destination. He looked inside and pulled a cake out. He looked at it pulled a fork from the draw. Sitting at the counter, he started eating the cake. Light's face hadn't relaxed during his slumber, only became more distressed. His legs were clutched tightly to his chest and his forehead rested on his knees as he near silent whimpers became more pronounced. Hearing a sound from the bedroom, L frowned. He picked up his cake and headed to the bedroom. Placing the cake down gently on the bed side table, he turned to Light and pulled him close, into a hug.
"Hey," He said quietly, holding him closer. "What's wrong love...?" He asked. Light released a slow breath and his face relaxed into a pacified sleeping face and Light unconsciously snuggled closer. L sighed sadly. It seemed that Light's subconsciousness still remembered everything that had happened. L held Light closer, comforting the beauty in his arms. "It's okay," He whispered, "I'm here for you. Always."
"I know…" Light murmured is a slow tired voice that made it clear he was still asleep. "I'll let go now…"
"No, it's okay." Truth be told, L didn't mind snuggling up to Light. He quite liked the warmth and security that it provided. "I don't mind holding you..."
"I won't hurt anymore," Light promised as if not hearing L, holding him as close as ever though.
"I know. I'll make sure of it," L reassured the other, holding him to his chest and gently stroking his hair. "I'll take care of you love..." As L spoke Light's eyes opened as he looked at L happily.
"I love you."
"I love you too," L said with a small smile. He still stroked his hair, trying to comfort him. "You okay?" He asked, smiling softly. He adjusted their positions slightly so that he could retrieve his cake and eat some. "Would you like some?" He asked. There was blue icing on it, only parts of words able to be seen. 'ppy rthda'. Light looked at the letters for a moment then his horror filled eyes looked up at L then at the cake and then L.
"I am so, so sorry. I can't believe… I didn't mean to… You should have told me… I'm sorry… Happy birthday…" Light said in a rush.
"It's okay." L said with some amusement. "How were you supposed to remember if you don't even remember me?" He asked. He kissed Light's forehead. "Don't sweat." He took another forkful of his cake and looked at Light. "So do you want some...?" He asked, offering Light the sweet food. Light smiled gratefully and leant forward to take the fork in his mouth, pulling the fork out he swallowed.
"Thankyou."
Smiling at Light, L nodded, He leaned against the headboard, holding Light to his chest. He ate some more of his cake before offering more to Light. As he let Light take the bite, he kissed Light's neck, sucking on the sensitive spot gently. Light moaned quietly, leaning back against L's chest. After a second L pulled back and smiled softly. He started to gently massage Light's back.
"You want to go see your parents tonight or tomorrow?" He asked with a smile. He started to push a little harder, digging a little deeper into the muscles, attempting to make them relax, make him feel good.
"Tomorrow," Light murmured, purring slightly, his eyes falling shut. L leaned forward and kissed Light deeply before laying them down. He held Light to his chest and readied himself for another night of no sleep. He had to watch over Light.
"Go to sleep..." He said softly, "I'll stay here." Light nodded and closed his eyes. He slept peacefully.
It was a long night for L. Most of the time, he didn't sleep, but around about dawn, he found himself drifting off slightly. He was curled around Light, having changed positions in the middle of the night. His head was now on Light's shoulder, and his arms around his waist. Their legs were intertwined.
After about half an hour of sleeping, L found himself waking up again. It was twenty minutes later that he finally let his tears fall. So much had happened so fast. He felt like he'd lost Light, and now, that loss was finally coming out. He was happy that Light was still there, but he was like a shell of his previous self. He acted the same but...
Memories weren't that important...were they? Still, L had decided to stay strong for Light, so he did. It was only when he knew that Light wasn't awake did he let himself cry, let those feelings out. Still, he didn't sob. It was only tears leaking from his face. Having slept so much before Light woke easily now and he cradled L against his chest as the man cried. L allowed himself to sob now, curling into Light's arms. He clutched onto the man and cried for dear life.
"I love you." He cried out, "I love you. I'm sorry." He started to sob more, shuddering and shaking.
"It's ok, I love you, will always love you," Light murmured and stroked L's hair.
"How can you know? How do you remember?" He asked, still sobbing. "You don't remember me, how can you love me?"
"I can't explain it," Light whispered and pressed his lips to L's forehead. "My mind may forget but my heart never will." L was still crying this made him worse. He relaxed against Light and slowly calmed down.
"I love you." He continued to repeat, "I love you," he kept saying it like a mantra, like it was the only thing keeping him going.
"Shhhh… It's ok, I'm here. I love you too," Light said quietly, rocking L gently in his arms.
"I'm sorry," L said after a moment, sniffing slightly. He lay against him, completely relaxed in his arms. "I'm sorry," he mumbled again. "You don't need me to break down on you..." He started to pull away, drying his arms.
"It's ok, I would rather have you cry in my arms than cry alone," Light whispered and cupped L's face in his hand. L's chin was trembling as he looked at Light.
"You don't have to... you don't have to say things like that," He said with a slight laugh. He wiped his eyes and put on another brave smile. "Sorry, I woke you up..."
"I say things like that because that's how I feel and I know you need to hear it. Personally I think you have turned me into a sap," Light said jokingly. Shaking his head, L leaned closer to Light.
"Sorry." He apologized again, joking also. Or rather, he made it sound like he was joking. "Sometimes..." He said a little more seriously, "Sometimes, it seems like you really do remember me...then other times... other times it's like you're not really there anymore..." He said softly. He paused for a second and then shook his head. "I'm sorry..."
"Don't apologise please," Light requested softly and moved in to press a gentle kiss to L's lips. It was just a press of lips on lips and Light prayed that it conveyed everything that he should be saying. L kissed Light back, licking at his lips slightly to try and get them open. After a moment though, he pulled away and looked at Light. "I just wish that you could remember me..." He said quietly.
"I know," Light said, unsure of what he could do or say that would help ease L's pain. L clutched close to Light.
"I just... I want you back... I miss you..." He realized that this was insensitive, and that he was likely hurting Light's feelings with what he was saying. But it was the truth.
Light's eyes narrowed, "I'm sorry my subconscious is so determined to forget. Clearly it isn't me you miss since I am here in your arms; you make me feel like the one you loved was a completely different person. If you truly think that way then I apologise for trying to take the place of your missing love."
"No. That's not...that's not what I meant..." L sat up and dug his heels into his eyes. He shook his head as he spoke. "You're you. You're still the you that I fell in love with... but you're not... you're not completely you." He ran his hands through his hair. "I'm sorry..." He said softly, turning to look at Light. "It's you that I love. I just wish you could remember. You knew me like nobody else, and now...now you don't even remember me..." He felt rather pathetic, looking much the way he was feeling. "I'm sorry," He said softly, standing. He walked to the window and looked out. "I know... I know I should be more supportive than this..." he sighed and leaned against the window, half looking at Light. "I'm sorry," He repeated, "I'm trying... I guess I'm just... not good enough."
"I know you're trying, but you make me feel so helpless. I don't know what to do. I want to remember you so that you will be happy again. I can't stand seeing you hurt so much. I can't remember though," Light stared at the hands in his lap. L turned around, leaning his back against the wall. He slid down it and watched Light.
"I don't know how to help you... I can... I can take you to the best... the best in the world. Psychiatrist I mean..." He said softly. "I don't know what to do to help you." He mumbled. He looked at Light his eyes wide and trusting. "Just tell me how to help you, and I'll do it... No matter what it is, no matter how much it costs, no matter what – I'll do anything for you."
"Just love me, please…" Light murmured and curled up on himself.
"You don't even need to ask for that," L said softly, "I'll always love you." He stood and came to sit on the bed. He sat down next to Light and looked to him. He put his hand on Light's face, on either side of his face. "You're the light of my life, you're my everything. I'll always love you." He leaned forward and gently kissed him. "For now and forever." Light pressed back into the kiss, tears in his eyes, but couldn't ask for the one thing he needed. L pulled out of the kiss and looked at Light. He saw the tears in his eyes and looked apologetic. "What is it?" He asked.
"You are my everything too…" Light murmured.
"That's not it..." He said softly, "There's something else bothering you." He gently stroked Light's cheeks, almost leaning forward to kiss him again, but he didn't. He waited for his reaction.
"I can't… You…" Light stammered tilting his head forward to rest his forehead on L's.
"Light... I would do anything for you. Don't be afraid to ask." He said quietly, looking at Light, "Never be afraid to ask me for something." He smiled softly and kissed Light softly. "Ask away."
"That's the thing, it is the only thing you won't give me or at least I'm sure enough that I won't ask," Light replied, eyes glistening.
"Light..." L pulled away slightly to look at him. "Even if I don't want to do it. I will." He had a nervous feeling in his stomach, he could figure out what it was that Light was going to ask. He didn't want to do it, but he was going to. For Light. Light swallowed and wiped his eyes before his gaze met L's.
"I want..." He paused, his throat clenching, stomach twisting nervously, "… I want you to make love to me. I need to have a memory of it."
Swallowing, L nodded. "I will... so long... so long as you promise me that you'll take control. You'll keep in control. Don't let me... don't let me hurt you again," He said softly.
"What do you mean?" Light asked confused.
"I want you to be on top. I want you to take the lead, and to pull back when you want to. I don't want to... I don't want to rape you again..." He said quietly. He didn't mind sleeping with Light, actually, that was a great idea, but he didn't want to do what he'd done before.
"No," Light said shortly. There was no hesitation in his voice as spoke.
"...N..No?" L asked, confused. "What...what do you mean? Don't you want to do it anymore?" He was very confused by now.
"I said that I want you to make love to me," Light said emphatically.
"Light... I'm afraid that I'll hurt you again, that I won't be able to stop if you want me to..." He said quietly, looking down at the ground. "I don't ever want to do that..."
"L, I'm scared too and that's why I need you to do this for me," Light pleaded. L kissed Light then, deeply. Tears were still falling from his eyes and he pushed him down into the bed. He started to strip the other, his hands gently pressing into the skin as he did so. He was going to do this, and he was going to make Light enjoy it. Once Light was naked, he started removing his own clothes. Now they were both naked and L leaned forward and kissed him deeply, gently caressing his skin. He tweaked with Light's nipples as his other hand went down to gently caress his member.
"Are... are you sure about this..." L asked, pulling back slightly.
"Yes," Light said quietly. "But I don't want you to be crying. I want you to enjoy this, but if you are truly not ready then we can wait." L shook his head, leaning forward to kiss Light deeply.
"I want to... I'm just afraid," He said softly. "Don't be afraid to hit me if you don't want to carry on... if I don't stop," He said softly. Kissing Light deeply, he stroked his hair, his other hand still caressing his member. Light relaxed, returning the kiss and wrapping his arms around L's neck, moaning softly. After a moment, L pulled out of the kiss to look down at Light, desire in his eyes. He reached down to gently lick the male's member before taking him in for a little while. He pulled back then sucked on three of his fingers. He gently placed one in, moving it around as he leaned back down to take Light back into his mouth, trying to distract him from the feeling. Soon, he placed a second finger in and moving them both around. He began to scissor them as he sucked a little harder before adding a third. Once he was fully stretched, he pulled out completely, removing his mouth to look up at Light. "You're sure...?" He asked breathlessly.
"Never been more…" Light said breathlessly, finding himself entranced by the lust in L's eyes. Moaning softly, L positioned himself at Light's entrance and thrust in, slowly at first. He was making sure that Light was comfortable. He paused when he was all the way in, waiting for Light to be ready for him to move. There was pain, but that was only to be expected. He squeezed down on L gently to signal that he could move, his legs wrapping around the man in an attempt to get even closer. Moaning deeply, L began to move closer, thrusting in before pulling out. Soon, he had a rhythm, going in and out. He moved his hand to jerk Light off in time with his thrusts. He leaned over Light, panting deeply. He leaned over to kiss him deeply. "I love you," He panted into his ear.
"I love you… ahhhh… too… nghnnn…" Light cried, his body shuddering and his chest heaving as he panted but that didn't stop the mewls or moans or Light from pulling L down closer to him, his fingers running across L's back. L started moving faster, getting caught up in the sensations. He loved the sounds Light was making. He pumped Light's member faster, pulling out of the kiss to nibble on his neck.
"Light..." He moaned, "Light... come for me..."
Almost as if by command Light did so, screaming "Llllllll…" as he came hard across his and L's stomachs, his muscles spasming around L and his arms and legs tightened around L. L also cried out when the muscles tightened around him. He came hard into Light, moaning deeply. Panting, he opened his eyes and pulled out to fall and lay beside Light.
"I love you," he whispered, "Any memories surface?" He asked. Light closed his eyes and concentrated… only to blush horribly.
"Only about a dozen images of us in different states of doing what we just did…"Light mumbled. "…But that was it." L sighed softly and nodded. He'd expected that somewhat.
"We'll have to try something else to get your memories back," He said quietly, snuggling up to Light. He gently licked the skin on Light's chest, where his head was next to. He couldn't gather enough strength to move to lick anywhere else, but he loved the taste of that sweaty skin. "Like I said before, I can take you to psychiatrist if you'd like." He mumbled softly, leaning closer to gently suck on the skin in front of him. Meanwhile, his hand was gently tracing patterns on his stomach, barely touching it. "I'm willing to try nearly anything... I don't think I'd like to do Near's idea though... I don't think you'd like us to either." He shuddered a little, remembering how he'd taken Light against his will. That was something he never wanted to go through again. Even though, deep down in his heart, he was afraid that it would. Light moaned softly at L's gentle touches and the feel of L's lips on him. The small of his back ached pleasantly though and his hands flowed over L's shoulders.
"I don't really like Near's idea either," Light whispered.
"Good." L nodded slightly, intent on sucking on Light's skin. He pulled back a little and blushed slightly at the purple mark that was there. He gently ran his tongue over it again before moving up very slightly to work on a new piece of skin. His hands were still tracing patterns softly, slowly making their way down past Light's navel. L didn't even seem to realize what he was doing to Light. "Because I don't ever want to hurt you like that again..." He mumbled against his skin. Oh god how he loved that skin. "Light..." He mumbled softly, regretfully pulling away from the delicious skin. "What are we going to do?" He asked quietly.
"Wh-what do you mean?" Light panted, face flushed. L sighed and leaned against Light.
"What are we going to do...about your memories, how're we going to try to get them back... are we going to try anything else?"
"I don't know…" Light replied softly and pressed his lips to L's head. "Thankyou though, I know you were scared about losing control again."
L nodded, "I'd do anything for you." He said quietly, "And I didn't lose control." He added with a small smile. He gently pushed Light down and straddled him. He looked at Light and leaned down. He kissed him deeply, "Even if you wanted me to do what I don't want to," He said softly, "I don't want to do what I did before..." He assured him, leaning down to kiss him again.
"And you didn't. You were incredible," Light whispered kissing L back. Lifting his hand, Light stroked L's face softly, "My L… my beautiful L…" Smiling he leant forward and pressed his lips to L's in a lingering kiss. L kissed him back.
"I love you." He whispered, pulling back slightly. He smiled at Light, kissing his neck softly, his hands on either side of his chest so that he could keep above Light without completely squishing him. Light purred quietly and nuzzled L's head.
"I love you too, so much…" Light replied with wonder written on his face. L pulled back and sat on Light's stomach, smiling tiredly.
"Tomorrow, we'll go see your parents. Then we'll see if we can find some way to help you."
"Ok," Light replied, his head falling to the side as he simply watched his lover. L lay next to Light and sighed softly. He was exhausted.
"Shall we sleep now?" He asked with a soft smile. He didn't want to sleep if Light wasn't going to. He needed to sleep with Light – that was the only way he could sleep well.
"Are you tired my love?" Light replied with a soft smile.
"Exhausted." L answered honestly. He closed his eyes and let out a soft sigh, relaxing completely against Light. "But I can't sleep unless you do too."
"Ok," Light replied gently and curled up close to L. "Then let's sleep…" Light let his eyes close though he wasn't very tired himself. Finding himself relaxing completely, L closed his eyes and leaned against Light. Within a few seconds, he was sleeping, feeling completely safe and secure. He knew that Light wouldn't let him get hurt during his night. Still, he couldn't help his dreams from attacking him.
Once L was asleep, Light climbed out of bed and walked into the adjoining bathroom, closing the door behind him on the off chance L woke. As he neared the mirror his eyes fixed on the marks littering his body and frowned. He had never expected that he would end up with another man, and L of all people. Without thinking his fingers to touch the marks on his skin before flinching as his fingers grazed the still damp skin. He still couldn't remember L, but if those memories were anything to go by, then this definitely wasn't the first time he had placed himself entirely in L's hands. Unlike what he said to L, however, the memories were far from reassuring and he was only thankful that he was such a good actor. Here with L, he had never felt more terrified in his life.
Thinking of that reminded Light of the dull ache at the base of his spine and he squashed the brief spark of shame. He needed to do that or else he wouldn't be able to convince L to stay with him and then he would never find out what happened to him. That didn't stop him from grabbing a washer and wiping himself down, his breathing becoming heavier as he worked before calming himself down again. He could do this and so far it didn't seem like L suspected anything. Taking a few calming breaths he rinsed the washer and left the bathroom and got back into bed. He felt too awake now though, instead settling down to watch L sleep.
Umm, so yeah this wasn't the happiest chapter, but at least it's an update right? Anyway thanks for reading.