Today, Nancy told me what happened to John Paul at work, with his students.
I'd asked him to meet me for dinner, just the two of us, and I couldn't understand his reaction. He replied that it wouldn't be wise for him to be seen with another man in public; that he didn't even go out with Doug anymore because of his job. It was like he was back in the closet.
I couldn't believe it! How could anyone want to hurt this wonderful man?
Nancy gave me a not-so-subtle look when I asked her that.
Yes, I admit it. I have probably been the cause of most of John Paul's pain since we met. Sometimes even willingly. But I'd do anything to undo all that. So this is when my game plan goes out of the window ... when the reason for my being here changes. Completely.
Everything I've done since I've been back has been carefully thought out. I was going to bond with Matthew and prove to John Paul that this time it would be different.
Today, all that changed.
Don't get me wrong! I still want my John Paul back – but more importantly, it has to be my strong, confident, cheeky John Paul, not this scared broken person he has become.
And that's become my mission. To make him whole
again!
Whether he comes back to me or not.
I like Doug. He's funny… for an American. No, really, I'm joking, he's funny full stop.
And he's a nice guy. I can see why John would go for him.
We went for a drive today, the four of us, in my hired car.
Doug's Matthew's favourite.
… okay, it does bother me. But it's not the end of the world. I can feel that my son's bonding with me too, and that's important.
John Paul didn't say much to begin with. Doug and I did most of the talking and I felt John relax and eventually he joined in. We played a bit of footie while our son slept and finally the old John Paul could be seen. Doug's rubbish at football and in the end it really was just the two of us fighting for the ball, with Doug as goalie. I scored a couple more goals than John did, but his fighting spirit was back. We decided to do this again soon. I can't wait!
When I dropped all three of them off at the McQueen's I saw the pair of them holding hands as they walked from the car.
I guess it's a small step towards my new goal.
It made me smile.
It also made my heart hurt, though.
I want it to be me who's holding his hand.
Again!
John Paul rang me just now.
It's the first time he's done that since I've been back. We've spoken on the phone every day, I think, but it's always been me that made the call. My heart started racing as soon as I saw his name flashing on the screen. It made me feel good.
He was asking me to babysit Matthew this evening.
He's going out for a dinner with Doug, nothing posh and fancy, just a quiet dinner before the madness of McQueen Christmas hits in two days' time.
I said yes, of course. And no, I'm not sad that it's not me who's going out with him… well, perhaps a little, but mostly I'm just happy that he's going out in public.
Matthew's staying with me – in my new flat. Yes, I moved out of the hotel and rented a small flat in the village. No more hiding the fact that I'm here for a while. My son's here and I won't leave unless he comes with me. And you know what that means… ;)
He's a lovely kid. Can't believe I missed out on his first year like that. How could I be so stupid?
Jake has been trying to fix me up with some girls. I'm not having it. Not interested.
I tried to date a few people since we split up, even a lad. Not a thing worked out. The physical stuff's working, don't get me wrong, but up here, in my head, I'm not making any connections. I'm already plugged into him.
I've bought my boys their Christmas presents. Matthew's getting a big cuddly bear and a wooden hammer and pins. It might not make me the most popular person in the McQueen household. But it will remind them, him, of me every time the banging starts. John Paul's getting a rare vinyl record I know he always wanted to buy. I think it's the first ever House single. We saw it in this second-hand shop in Dublin a while back, but when he came back the next day with enough cash, it was gone. I found it on eBay last year and bought it, had kept it hidden at the back of the wardrobe until Christmas, but, you know, he was gone by that time.
This present is a clear message to him about my feelings. He'll get it. I'm planting a seed. Now let's hope that it manages to grow and blossom.
Again!