New Year's Eve at the McQueen's was fantastic.
Yes, I was invited around for dinner. Wore my new shirt that "Matthew" gave me for Christmas. It suits me – clearly John Paul still knows my taste and style. He smiled when he saw me wearing it. Matthew fell asleep around 10 as expected and after toasting the New Year at midnight, we all headed out to the new club, where The Loft used to be, except for Myra who stayed with the kids. John got a bit drunk, dragged me to the dance floor and while we were dancing he leaned towards me and whispered – well, I guess he had to shout for me to hear him – that he was glad I'm back, that we're friends again.
I didn't know how to feel about it at that moment. I was obviously ecstatic that he was glad to have me back in his life, but it worried me a bit that he might only see me as a friend now. So when he added that he loved my present, my heart jumped up to my scull.
We're meeting later today in the Dog. It's his first day at work since before Christmas. I've actually started looking for a job. It's not gratis, life as a grown-up. Haven't found anything exciting yet, but I'll find something, at least to tie me over.
Doug will join us later. He has to close the shop, since his business partner's away at the moment. I'm not really certain how it fits, but apparently he's the gay ex-boyfriend of Sarah's kid sister, Amy! Weird!
I hope things are going well at work for John Paul. I can't stand the idea of him in pain. But how can I help? It's not like I can go in there and beat the crap out of everyone. Probably the only thing I can do is to be there for him, if things kick off again. Be his friend!
Again!
Doug's leaving!
I'm not joking! He's selling his part of the business and moving back to America.
Okay, let me rewind. John and I met for a drink earlier and just after he arrived, Doug texted him and asked him to come to the deli. I stayed behind and joined Darren at the bar while he went over to see him. A few minutes later John Paul rang me and told me that he wouldn't be back, that he'd call me again tomorrow. And that's what he did.
Apparently, Doug's father just died and he decided that it's time for him to go back. John sounded kind of calm about it when he told me. I didn't want to ask about the details of their conversation, only what he felt about the whole thing. He said he was fine, a bit sad to say goodbye, but not heartbroken or anything, that it wasn't as if he'd ever seen Doug as his future, just kind of nice, here and now.
I don't know how to handle this sudden change. A part of me wants to just jump with joy, shout out for the world to hear, but I'm also a bit worried that I will start pushing for things to develop more quickly for John Paul and me, so that I'll end up pushing him away. For good! Obviously he has to know that he owns my heart – that I'm his – and I think he does, but it has to be him that makes that decision.
I have to remain patient.
Meanwhile Matthew will be my priority. He called me "Dada" for the first time today! How cool is that? To be someone's 'Dada'!?
Mum adores him. I told her about Doug leaving. She just smiled and said, rather drily I might add, "That's him out of the way." She hasn't asked about my plans. She knows what I want. Doesn't have to ask. Knows it's the only right option for me. The only option.
Funny that, ay?
My mobile vibrates in my pocket as I push Matthew's buggy through the park gate. It's on silent in case he falls asleep. I pick it up and check to see who's calling. It's a text.
"U take good care of him, alright! No more screw-ups?"
It's an unfamiliar number. I ring back. No one answers, but after a few moments I'm taken to voicemail. I recognise the voice right away. It's Doug. I hang up and text him back.
"I will. If he wants me! But don't worry. I love him!"
A few moments later another text arrives. "He does. Just give him time. Take care. Nice knowing u."
"U2, m8 :)" I reply.
I find myself a bench and sit down as I check on Matthew. He's asleep. Usually does while being pushed in the buggy. Probably the motion calms him down. I was the same according to mum.
I slowly rock the buggy back and forth as I reread the texts. Doug surprised me. I never would have believed he'd hand in the towel like that. Guess he knows and understands more than I gave him credit for.
Does this mean that John Paul and I are finally back on square one? Both of us free agents, no girlfriends or boyfriends? The same place where we were before Sarah and Hannah, Kieron and Doug? Where we should have realised that it was each other we wanted?
I will not mess it up!
Again!