The SUV is still at Batista's so I catch another cab to the coffee place. It occurs to me how anonymous cab rides are, not much to really trace you, not like driving your own car. Much more anonymous than a rental. No one checks your ID, the drivers barely look at you, they're more interested in the radio; the other drivers on the road, bitching about celebrities on the TV if they talk to you at all. I like it.
Deb arrives a few minutes after me, swinging into the booth and flinging her bag into the corner like it's done her some wrong. She grins; despite the ridiculous hour she is glad to see me. It would be heart warming if I had a heart in the regular sense. That's why you're here, a dark voice reminds me.
"So, brother dearest, what the fuck is going on? I thought you were out with Angel and Masuka? They ditch you? You ditch them?" She asks a lot of questions and doesn't wait for answers, instead waving over the waitress and ordering for us both. I nod and smile as the pretty young girl takes our order, thankful that she is not a blonde for once.
"Well? Are you going to just sit there?" Deb raises an eyebrow, slides herself sideways and props her chin on her elbow, one leg on the seat. I sigh; maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all? I rub my hands on my face and say nothing. She grabs my hand and pulls it away.
"Uh uh." She says shaking her head and frowning. "There's no fucking way you drag my ass out of bed at some crazy fucking o'clock and then don't say a word, Dex. Spill. Now." She folds her arms, ever the tough girl, the tomboy. I purse my lips and look out of the window, trying to unscramble my thoughts, disguise them in enough normality to make this work. "Dexter." She drags the last syllable out like a petulant child, like a threat. I grimace, open my mouth, close it again. She slams her open palm on the table. Some old guys drinking at the end of the counter, watching the late night film look over. I shrug at them apologetically. They turn away.
"Ok Deb, no need to draw everyone's attention. It's just... difficult. For me, difficult for me to talk about, you know how I am."
"Yeah, you're a fucking idiot who walks around pretending he doesn't feel anything and it was going to bite you on the ass one day. So, today the day then Dex?" I nod. She nods too, though I know she has no idea what this is about. "So?" she waves a hand. I take a breath.
"Lumen," I say the name out loud and something occurs to me. "Lumen, how does Angel know about Lumen?" My eyebrows knotted I sit forward at the table looking right at her. This has only just occurred to me now; the only person who knew about Lumen was Deb. Did I even mention her name? Deb sighs, picks her nails and looks away from me. "Deb?" I ask, aware that the questions are on my side of the table now.
"Yeah, right. Well, I might have mentioned your 'tenant'," she does air quotes with her fingers, who does that anymore? "To Angel. He was worried about his friend Dex, we all were. I just said you seemed to be on the road to some closure. You know, with your 'tenant'." I glare at her, she laughs.
"He said she was hot. Why would he say that, Deb?" Deb looks away again and I tap the table to get her attention. She looks back at me, avoiding my gaze by looking at my left ear, I scratch it idly and she grins.
"Ok, so I asked Angel to check her out. He just met her at the grocery store near your old house, got talking to her. Nothing sinister, I swear." She looks in my eyes now. Lumen spoke to Angel? She never mentioned it. But then, why would she? She's skittish of men but not one to avoid conversation, seem strange or unusual. She learnt that from me, I guess.
"What did they talk about?" I am interested in this event that has happened outside of my knowledge. Like knowing this little thing brings me nearer to her, more a part of her life.
"Hey, I dunno, I never asked. He said she seemed nice. The weather, baseball, some shit. I dunno Dex. What is this about? Has Angel done something? Said something?" She looks worried, leaning on the table now with her elbows, cradling her coffee cup. I shake my head. This is irrelevant, a distraction.
"No, nothing like that, he just mentioned her and I wondered how he knew... knew we were..." I trail off because technically, at the time he met her, Lumen and I were not a couple.
"Fucking?" Deb asks helpfully. I frown, shake my head, then nod, then shrug, she laughs. "Jesus, Dex, you are seriously fucked up bro. What is going on up there?" She leans over and taps my head. It actually hurts. I wince and rub my temple and she laughs again, sits back in her seat. "So, like I said. Spill."
"Ok." I take a deep breath, drink some coffee. "When you met her at the house, Rita's house, she was just my tenant Deb." I hold up a hand as she snorts and shakes her head, no doubt about to call me on some bullshit. "No, really. Right then she was my tenant and I was helping her with some problems she had. I suppose I thought it might make me feel better about what happened to Rita." I sigh, this is actually helping. God, what is happening to me? Deb puts her hand over mine, misunderstanding my sigh. I carry on.
"But then, well, I started to have feelings... for her. I didn't say anything, I didn't want to push anything, she had some stuff of her own to deal with but I knew that I was investing more in our relationship than just..." co murderers? Partners in crime? Serial killer sidekicks?
"Tenant and landlord?" Deb offers, I nod. "So, did you tell her?"
"Not really." I stop, thinking back to that night after Cole Harmon, how she took off her shirt, kissed me. I stop, paralysed by the memory. Deb touches my hand again. I look at our hands, hers are small and long fingered, mine blunt, square nails and wide palms. "She made the first move, I was too..." Scared? Insecure? Fucked up about sex? All of the above?
"Caring." Deb says, stroking my hand with her thumb. I can hear the smile in her voice. I shrug. "And then...?"
"So, we were... together, I suppose." There's no suppose about it really. I gave her everything I had, showed her all of me, my Dark Passenger, the father I am, the lover.
"And you helped her get her shit sorted and then she left, right?" I look up at Deb, eyes wide, mouth open.
"How did you? How can you know...?" she smiles and it's a sad smile.
"Because I've been her, bro. I've been the girl who gets helped out and then has to leave. Look... sometimes it's not that you want to go..." I grab Deb's hand and she winces, I let go.
"She said that! She said she didn't want to go but... she had to. She said she was different now, now there wasn't the problem anymore." I take a deep breath, this is actually making me feel better, just the look of understanding on Deb's face is making me feel normal, accepted.
"And now?" Deb's voice is gentle.
"And now I can't stop thinking about her. I dream about her, I think I see her everywhere, at the beach, tonight at the club..." I rub my hand over my face. "I thought I saw her tonight. I followed her, it was her Deb. It was her."
"Did you speak to her Dex?" I shake my head and Deb sighs. "Why not?"
"She was busy..." Busy killing a man. Busy killing a man and chopping him up into tiny pieces and disposing of the body. The memory sears through me. Deb nods. I fight the urge to laugh hysterically.
"And you're scared too, huh?" She says softly and I bite my lip, look out of the window and nod.
"I think she was looking for me, at the club." I say, aware only as the words leave my mouth that they are true. She was looking for me, she was in the car following us from Batista's house. She followed me there.
"So why did she leave when she saw you? Why not come over and talk to you?" I shake my head, I don't know. Deb's voice becomes sharper. "What were you doing right when she saw you Dex? Right before she left the club, what were you doing?" I wince as I remember. Oh god.
"I was kissing a girl." Deb lets go of my hands.
"God damn Dexter! God fucking damn! All you men! Cocksuckers! Even my own brother is a fucking dog!" She sits back, the old men are looking again. I lean across the table and hiss.
"I thought she'd gone forever, that she didn't want me! I didn't mean to kiss that girl..." I shake my head as a look of utter scorn and derision crosses Deb's face and I carry on before she can bite my head off. "I had a drink, I don't know, she reminded me of Lumen, I wanted to just forget, for a minute... a fucking minute." I put my head in my hands and growl my frustration. When I look up Deb looks shocked. She puts out her hands again.
"Jesus. Dex, you are a mess, dude." I nod, raising an eyebrow to show her that this is not a profound insight, that my mental state is obvious, even to me. She frowns.
"Do you know where she's staying? Why she came back, even?" I shake my head. She could be killing anywhere, every city in America has bad guys, she doesn't have to be here. The thought had not occurred to me. Suddenly I feel hopeful.
"No, I have no idea. But she followed me to the club. And I think I've seen her around outside the apartment." Deb is thinking, her mouth twisted up that way it does when she is piecing things together like the born cop she is. She nods to herself.
"She must be thinking about you, Dex." I nod, yep, she was thinking of me tonight alright. Thinking about me while she made herself come, calling out my name even though she didn't know I was there. Deb frowns and cocks her head. I open my eyes wide, what did she just see in my expression?
"Dex, fuck, I can't believe I'm going to say this but...this isn't just a sex thing is it? This is not just about the pussy Dex?" I shake my head, and grimace, how can she even say that? Then I rub my hand over my eyes.
"It's not just about the..." I can't say that word. I murder people and I can't say that word. I stab them with a six inch carving knife and I cannot use the colloquial term for female genitalia. My little sister can though.
"The pussy, Dex. So it's not just about that. But it is about that too huh?" I bite my lip and nod. Are we really talking about this? There've been a couple of times since we grew up where Deb has given me too much information for my liking. Too much graphic detail about the 'big time fucking' she has been doing with a new man, or an old man if you count Special Agent Lundy. I've always avoided this kind of talk with her but it seems we're having that talk now. I sigh.
"And?" she prompts. I open my hands, what does she want me to say? That I am dreaming about Lumen's body, waking with a hard on so determined that I have to take matters into my own hands to make it go away? That I watched her kill a man and then I had to jerk off because I was so turned on? I shake my head, she sighs. "Is this like that titty English bitch?" She asks, frowning and then smirking. Lila. She means Lila. I shake my head.
"No, kind of... no." She nods sarcastically.
"Oh well, that's clear then." She says, raising an eyebrow. I grit my teeth and sigh. Why is this so hard? My skill set is seriously skewed to the Dark Side.
"It..." I begin and she looks interested. I tear my eyes from her gaze and look at the table. "I... I can't do this." I say finally. She sighs, shakes her head.
"Look, Dexter Morgan. This is the first proper conversation we've had since Rita." She pauses to gauge my reaction, I don't look up and she ploughs on. "The first time you've ever opened up to me, god damn, I actually feel like I'm helping you for once. Which is a fucking change from the usual situation. So," she leans forward and grabs my hands, I don't pull them away. "So, what is going on? This chick has got you rattled? All over?" Her eyes drop to the table top and beyond and I know what she's implying and I nod and sigh, filling my lungs with air and exhaling it noisily, feeling the muscles in my beck, my chest relax. I can do this. I will do this.
"Rita was the first woman, in a long time." I add hastily, seeing Deb's eyebrows hitting her hairline and prompting some comment about my virginity. She nods. "And I guess at first I didn't like the closeness, the intimacy." Deb sips her coffee looking at me like she can't believe we're talking about this, neither can I but this might help and something's got to help.
"And that was fine, good even, for a long time. And then I met Lila." Deb rolls her eyes. Yes, she thinks Lila is a slut. She's wrong, Lila's dead, but Deb doesn't know that. "And Lila was, less... inhibited than Rita."
"Dex, that bitch was more uninhibited than a whole busload of nymphos. Man!" She shakes her head in disgust. I tighten my grip on her hands.
"Yes, yes, she was, but can you imagine how that feels? When someone that... in touch with their body, that instinctive, wants you?" I rub my hands over my face. I know that this is something beyond the relationship Deb and I have, hell, beyond the relationship I have with anyone, but I need her to understand. I need her to know what I mean, connect with this, because it's my only chance to work out what the hell is going on. I know I am giving things away with my eyes but I can't stop now. "Can you imagine that Deb?" Deb is wide eyed but she nods slowly and I realise that I am lying. That it wasn't about the fact that Lila was so open, so wild. That wasn't the thing that made her, for a while, my new addiction. It's that she saw that wildness in me, she glimpsed the monster in a way that no one had until I met Lumen. And she still wanted me. I carry on talking, not wanting to lead Deb away from the truth but knowing that I can never really tell her all of this.
"It was amazing, liberation from all the shit we're told to do, say, want. But it wasn't real, it wasn't based in anything but jealousy, some kind of twisted version of affection." I can feel Deb's eyes on me, we're in our own little bubble of this conversation. The waitress starts to move to our table, coffee jug in her hands, but she picks up on our vibe and goes back behind the counter.
"I didn't think you cared about Lila, I thought she was just an ego fuck, you know. The thing men do when it looks like life might settle down." I look at her, she's right. How could she know what Lila did to me, the part of me she accepted? Even though in the end I had to kill her, Deb has no idea how important she was in making the man I have become. I shake my head. I can't say these things.
"And with Lumen? Why has she got you so fucked up, Dexter?" Deb's fingers tighten on my hand.
"Because it was the most real thing I've experienced Deb. Next to Harrison's birth, being with her was the thing that made me think I belonged to someone." There, I've said it, spun this thread out to the end.
"So it wasn't scary like it was with Rita but it wasn't... fucked up shit like it was with Lila?" In her own way Deb sums it up perfectly. I nod. "You wanted the same things?" I don't know if we're talking about sex anymore but I nod.
"You had the same fantasies? Needs?" Deb is biting the side of her lip but it's not with amusement, she's being serious. She doesn't know how right she is. I nod again, she blows out a breath. "Whoa Dex, that's fucking deep." I nod again. No one speaks for a while.
"Do you think it was mutual?" She asks eventually, I shrug.
"I thought so but..." Deb sits back her hand still on mine. She is nodding slowly.
"You need to find her and speak to her Dex. This won't get resolved sitting here talking to me, although I gotta say Dex I am fucking impressed with that opening up shit you just pulled. Blown a-fucking - way." She cocks her head to the side and nods, she looks impressed. I frown at the table top.
"What?" she grabs my hands again. "No, seriously Dex, that was more of you than I think I have ever seen in my life. I think this girl's good for you. You need to go see her." I fall back in my seat sighing.
"How can I? If she wanted to see me then she would have talked to me? Wouldn't she?" Deb looks across the room, stretches her arms, the posture reminds me of Lumen.
"I don't know Dex, this is why you've got to talk to her. Maybe she was going to talk to you at the club? But she saw you with that chick and... I've gotta say bro, I would not be happy if I was her." I nod, I wouldn't be happy either. I'm not happy.
"So, you think I should try to find her?" she nods, waves the waitress over who smiles and refills our cups.
"Yeah, yeah I do. Let me know if you want some help with that." We drink our coffee in comfortable silence. I look out of the window, Miami is waking up, the sun casting pink and orange light onto the windows or the buildings opposite the coffee shop.
The early shift cops are leaving the station, I see some folks I know getting into their cars and wearily heading home. I check my watch, I've got a couple of hours before I have to pick up the kids. Maybe I'll walk by Lumen's apartment building?
Suddenly Deb is chuckling to herself, I look up and frown.
"What?" I ask, finishing my coffee, looking at her over the rim of the cup. She shakes her head.
"Come on, what?" I prod her with a finger in the ribs, she squeals.
"Dexter Morgan, did you just tell me you're into kinky shit?" I shake my head. More than you know little sister, more than you know.
So I 'd love to know how I did with Deb. I spent a long time (for me) thinking about what Dex would and wouldn't say and I think I got it right ofr my boy. He wants to change, anyone who sees the show and says he doesn't want to be a real boy is needing to read some Potter where no one changes! :D imho!
Ok, you lot have been super lovely so far, thanks for the reviews, they really do make me faster and better! Thank you Cx