Sorry for the delay. I have been a bit busy, but at least it hasn't been a few months, like it used to be.
L was only half awake when the bed was brought in. He lay down on the bed, smiling at Watari thankfully and looking at Light. He lay down and watched the other, keeping a hold of his hand. He eventually fell asleep again, still holding Light's hand. Watari informed the nurses to call him when L awoke or if something happened to Light before he took his leave to check on the boys. It had been a long day. L slept on restlessly for many more hours. The only reason he was comfortable enough to sleep, was that he was holding onto Light's hand. He was close to the other, and in his subconscious, he knew that Light was going to be okay.
Light woke up a few hours later, his grip on L's hand tightening as he stirred. L was instantly awake with the pressure on his hand. He sat up and moved closer to Light's bed.
"Hey..." He said quietly, looking down at the other with a smile
"Hey," Light whispered back smiling tiredly and feeling more than a bit dizzy. "What happened?"
"Hey," L gave Light a watery smile, incredibly relieved that Light was awake. "You... you collapsed, you had a clot in your brain. You needed surgery and..." his lip was trembling now, he'd been so worried. "The doctors said you need to be checked out for br-brain damage." He continued to smile, even through his trembling. He needed to be brave for Light right now.
"Yeah, they probably would," Light replied looking only slightly scared so as to not worry L more than he already was.
"I'll... I'll call the doctor now." L said, biting his lip while still smiling. He let go and moved to the door, returning a few moments later with a doctor.
"Hello Light. I'm Doctor Dorian. It's nice to meet you." He said, "I'm going to just ask you a few questions to check for brain damage. Do you think you can answer?"
"Yeah, I can," Light replied sounding nervous. L held onto his hand, squeezing softly.
"Alright. Can you tell me your full name?" The doctor asked.
"Light Yagami," Light answered simply.
"Alright, what's your date of birth?" The doctor asked smiling.
"28th of February 1986," Light shot back his hand squeezing L's back. L smiled.
"Okay. Can you tell me who this is?" The doctor asked softly. L gave a nervous smile to Light, waiting for his answer.
"Ryuzaki, my lover," Light said confidently, though the worry on his face betrayed his confidence.
"Thank you. Alright, I'm going to ask you to do a few more things." He pulled a bunch of cards from his suitcase and smiled at Light. "I'll show you some cards, and I'd like for you to tell me what it is you see." He smiled, "There are no right and wrong answers, just what you see." The cards were done in a few minutes, and the doctor smile. "Okay, thank you for your time, Yagami-san." He turned to L and smiled, "Ryuuzaki, may I talk to you...?" Light squeezed L's hand and nodded, indicating that he would be ok if L left. Smiling softly, L left with the doctor.
"It looks like he's going to be alright, but we'd like to keep him in our care for a few more days, maybe even a week or so. But that depends on you and his parents. Your insurance doesn't cover a prolonged stay, so you'd have to pay for it."
"That's not a problem. Just do whatever needs to be done." L told the doctor with a smile. "Is there anything else I need to be aware of?" The doctor shook his head with a smile. "I don't think so. Just don't hesitate to call a nurse if you see something amiss." L nodded his thanks and returned to the room.
"He just wanted to know about money and insurance." He told Light, "Nothing to be worried about."
"Ok," Light said smiling softly and yawned, looking defenceless in the hospital gown and curled up under the sheets. "I'm tired…"
"Then go to sleep." L said softly, his hand gently stroking Light's head. "I'll be right here."
"Mhmmm…" Light mumbled and closed his eyes, falling asleep almost instantly. Smiling, L climbed upon the bed that Light was sleeping on and curled up next to him. There was hardily enough room, but L didn't care, he needed to be close to his love. Only when he was sure that Light was completely asleep, did L allow himself to cry, silent tears running down his face.
About four hours later Light seemed to stir, a frown crossing his features.
"Ki-ra no… No… nnn… m-me… L… stop… uh…why… don't… me die…" Light mumbled as an expression of almost anger continued to blossom. This woke L and caused him to frown. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he sat up and looked towards Light. The heart rate monitor was beeping far too fast, and his blood pressure had risen exponentially.
"Light," L started to gently shake Light, trying to wake him. "Light, you're having a nightmare, please wake up." Nurses were in there in seconds; Light was in intensive care after all and was quickly administering Light with sedatives to calm him. A couple of minutes later Light had returned to a peaceful state and the nurse turned to L.
"What happened?" She asked in a polite, business like tone.
"He started having a nightmare... I tried to wake him but he wouldn't." L was shaking slightly. "Is he going to be okay?"
"We seem to have got here in time but in his condition having his blood pressure up that high could be fatal, that was no minor surgery he had," the nurse explained and nodded for another nurse to get the doctor.
"So if he has another nightmare, what do I do? How do I help him?" L was definitely freaking out now.
"Call for assistance and try to calm him down till we can get to him," the nurse instructed. "He will likely to receive a mild sedative for the next little while and that should prevent those nightmares from occurring. To be honest he shouldn't have even had a nightmare so soon after an operation."
"He's had a pretty hard life..." L said softly, looking down at his love.
"Well at least he has you here to look after him," The nurse said and smiled kindly at him. "I don't think he would want you getting sick because of him though so take care of yourself." L smiled softly and nodded.
"Thank you." He said, "But I don't want to leave his side any more than I have to." He kept a hold of Light's hand, feeling like if he let go, he'd loose him. "How much would it be to get the meals? I can pay."
"It probably wouldn't hurt for you to go and get the meals yourself," she replied gently. "Besides you will have to go home to have a shower and bring something to do."
"I can amuse myself with nothing but my mind and my associate could bring anything I need from home. I'll wash in the bathroom over there-" he pointed to the bathroom in the corner of the room. "He is everything to me; I'm not just going to leave him. Now, I will ask you again, how much would it cost to have the hospital meals?"
"Well depending on the meal it could be as much as $15 and $5 for delivery," The nurse replied sighing.
"Very well, sign me up for as long as he'll be here. I'll give you my credit card details. You can charge it to that."
"I'm sorry but that has to be done through the cafeteria," The nurse said impatiently. "Is there anything else you wanted?"
Ryuuzaki shook his head, "No thank you." He looked back at Light, not looking back at the nurse. The nurse left quietly just as the doctor entered.
"I just heard what happened and I need to ask you a few questions," The new doctor said immediately. Nodding straight away, L agreed.
"Please, ask away." He said with a tight smile.
"Ok first off, how frequently does Light have nightmares? I was told that he has suffered trauma recently inducing him to forget certain things and I am trying to decide if this is acting as an outlet for his subconscious," The doctor said taking a seat beside L.
"Well... He's had a few in the last few days." L said softly, "I don't know if that's normal for him though. He's a pretty light sleeper; he used to get annoyed at me for typing on my computer because it woke him up... So I don't think he dreams much."
"How long do these usually last for? Is he easily awoken?" The doctor asked taking note of L's answer.
"I don't- I don't know..." L mumbled, rubbing a tired hand over his eyes. "He's usually easily awoken, but I'm not sure of during his nightmares..." It was too hard for him to think straight right now; he was too worried about the younger male.
"Ok, how about you get some rest and we can talk more later?" The doctor suggested, "Just ask for Doctor Kennedy." L nodded, sighing softly.
"I'm sorry," He mumbled, looking back to Light. He was so worried about the other. "Is he going to be alright?"
"He'll be fine. He will just need to be monitored just in case," Doctor Kennedy replied. "I'll leave you two alone." Standing up he walked over to the door. "It was a pleasure to meet you."
"You too." L said with a small bow. He then returned to Light's side and smiled softly at him. He then collapsed into the chair next to Light, holding his hand to his face and sobbing slightly. He was still afraid. Light remained silent with only the sounds of his breathing and the beeps of the machines filling the room. "I love you," L said softly, knowing Light couldn't hear him. He stayed there, not moving until he fell asleep, his head on Light's bed.
Light woke up a few hours later feeling rather hungry, his eyes opening as he fought his tiredness. When he spotted L he lifted a hand up and stroked his head and waited for the other to wake. Sighing softly, L relaxed completely when Light touched his head. He blinked his eyes and looked at Light with a small smile.
"Hey," He said softly, "You're awake."
"Mhmm… You'll find I will be on the occasion," Light replied teasingly. Laughing slightly, L nodded.
"How're you feeling?" He asked softly, sitting up sleepily.
"Hungry actually," Light said, his hand dropping to L's.
Chuckling, L nodded, "I'll call a nurse." He stood and leaned over Light to press the call button.
The nurse came in a few seconds later, "You called?"
"He's awake... and hungry. Could you do something about that please?" He asked quietly.
"Sure, I will have his meal delivered straight away," The nurse replied sweetly and left to do so.
Nodding at the nurse, L looked at Light and smiled at him. "How're you feeling? How's your head?"
"I'm feeling pretty bald right now," Light replied smiling though a dark look hung in his eyes.
"Hey, it's okay. Your hair will grow back." L said with a smile. He reached out with his other hand to stroke Light's cheek. At the same time, he stood and moved so that he was now sitting on the bed next to him. His hand was shaking, but he was managing to smile. "I'm so glad you're awake..."
"I know and I'm glad you're here," Light whispered and nuzzled L's hand. L moved closer to Light, putting his arm around his shoulder and burying his head gently against the other's.
"I was so worried." He said quietly, not being able to hold back his reaction anymore. His head was spinning and his body was trembling. He was still able to hold back the tears though. But not easily.
"I know," Light replied softly finding it easier to conceal his thoughts when he whispered and he wrapped his arms around L. That did it, L was crying now, not just letting the tears fall, but actually sobbing. He was clutching onto Light, careful not to hurt him. He'd been so worried before, and now he was so relieved, so unbelievably happy that Light was awake, he was alive, and he was okay. Light froze slightly before making himself relax and rubbed L's back softly. After a short while, L pulled back and looked at Light. He was smiling, an expression of pure joy and hope. He leaned forward and gently placed his lips against Light's bandaged forehead. He pulled back and leaned against the headboard, beside Light.
"I love you." He said, "I really do." Light lifted his head up slowly, movement still taking far too much effort than he was used to.
"I know and I love you too," Light replied, his eyes holding L's. L was content just to stay there, holding Light's hand, looking into his eyes, but he knew that something had to be done.
"I should call your parents. They were worried." He said with a small smile, "I'll tell them that you're awake."
"Ok," Light replied, trying not to sound too eager to be alone and squeezed L's hand softly. "Hurry back," Light pleaded softly. Nodding, L let go of Light's hand and walked out of the room. He went to a pay phone and called Light's parents, and Watari.
He returned to the room, ten minutes later and sat by Light's bed. He smiled at the other male, but didn't say anything. He didn't want all of the fear and worry he'd been feeling escape him. This was entirely his fault.
"I know this is rather ironic but are you ok?" Light asked sounding concerned. He could relax now that he had a plan formed.
Forcing a smile onto his face, L nodded. "I'm fine. It's you that we should be worried about." He still couldn't help the growing sense of doubt in his mind. He knew that it was all his fault... if he had've stopped when Light asked him to... none of this would have happened – at all.
"I'm fine too but I know you must be tearing yourself apart with guilt at the moment so you're obviously not fine," Light countered. A little surprised that Light had been able to see through him so easily; L shook his head, forcing a smile on his face.
"No – no, I'm fine. Really..." He let out a nervous laugh, "I'm not tearing myself apart..." Even to his own ears, that sounded fake, and a little crazy.
"Ryuzaki you are feeling guilty about something most of the time lately, so it wasn't too hard to guess that you are now, so don't lie," Light said a little sternly.
L shook his head, smiling softly (fakely), "I just don't want you to worry about me right now, that's all. You're the one who needs worrying about..." He added another nervous (fake) laugh.
"Tell me," Light persisted. "And cut out that fake smile and laugh, it's getting creepy." Letting his face fall, L sighed softly and looked down at the floor.
"It's nothing to worry about," He said sadly. "You already have enough to worry about." He was refusing to tell Light, and he could be very stubborn when he needed to be. He looked up, a serious expression on his face. "You just worry about healing. That's all you need to care about right now. Everything else can be dealt with later." And he meant that, with all his heart.
"If I can't multi–task by now I will never be able to. Besides I will be even more worried if you don't tell me because I will have to resort to my imagination to find out what's wrong and I have a very active imagination…" Light threatened, struggling to prevent his eyes from closing.
"Light, drop it!" That was the closest to angry L had become towards Light in a long while. His face momentarily contorted into anger before he forced it to relax. "Daijoubu." He said in a softer tone.
"I am definitely not dropping this now," Light said stubbornly. "If it is affecting you so much that you yell at me then it must be very important." L stood, controlling his breathing with effort, and turned his whole body to look at Light.
"Light, I have never been so serious – Drop. It. You don't need to worry, and I'm not going to let you."
Light glared. "Like it or not, you're important to me and when you're upset and I don't know why, it makes me worried. So I doubt I need to say that I will not be dropping this until you tell me."
L was silent. He continued to look at Light with a serious expression, which was getting harder to maintain due to his increasing tiredness. He wasn't going to tell the other what was wrong, and the sooner Light figured that out, the better. Still, he didn't say anything, making it obvious what was going on. Light continued to glare for a few moments before speaking.
"Fine, since you obviously don't trust me you can leave," Light voice was harsh and he turned away from L. "Get out." Because Light was facing away, he didn't see the hurt look that was briefly in place on L's features before he stood and wordlessly left. He passed Light's mother on the way out of the hospital and told her that
"He's awake". He then stormed out of the building and carried on going. He had no idea where he was going, or how long he was intending on walking. All he knew was that he was angry, and that he had to get away before he did something he'd regret – something else he'd regret.
Eventually, he found himself in a traditional Japanese garden, just outside the hospital's train station. He sat down at the waters edge and looked into the calm pool. Closing his eyes, he settled his feelings, using the waters surface as an example of what his emotions should be. This was how he'd learned how to hide his emotions in the first place. After a while, he spoke, having become aware of movement behind him. Instinctually, he knew who was there. It wasn't really a surprise; the other always knew how to find him.
"Watari..."
"I didn't expect to see you here," Watari said calmly and walked over to L. L opened his eyes. He continued to look at the water. After a moment, he allowed his head to bow.
"I don't know what to do." He admitted quietly.
"Tell me what happened then," Watari sighed.
"It's my fault... but I can't tell him that. He's angry at me, because I don't want him to worry – I don't want him to have to worry about me anymore. All I've ever been is bad for him..." L's words were spoken quietly, with such heartbreaking sadness. He was staring at the water again, trying to calm himself down. Droplets fell from his eyes, landing on the water and making small ripples. "He's better off without me..." Those words, so true, hurt like a thousand needles sticking into his skin.
"I'm sorry but I have to side with Light. To be honest I am surprised he has managed to be as patient with you as he has," Watari said finally. "You are near obsessed with taking care of him and yet you don't allow him to take care of you. He wants to be with you, but until you decide that you're worth his attention then I don't think you stand a chance. He wants to be close to you and share your pain as well as your joy, but you won't let him."
"I just don't want him to get hurt again, not because of me. Never again." L's words were full of hurt, screaming the agony and guilt he felt.
"You are a couple. You are bound to hurt each other sometimes, but if you love each other you will allow him to help you with your pain and Light with his," Watari explained gently.
"He has so much he has to be concerned about right now... I don't want to be another burden." He'd always believed himself to be a burden on others, that's why he did what he did, so at least he was a useful burden.
"Then maybe you shouldn't be together if all you see of your relationship is being a burden on Light then you obviously don't respect his love for you or you would realise that you are a burden he wants," Watari said gently. L wanted to object, to yell at Watari that he was wrong but...
"I don't know..." He said dejectedly, "Maybe you're right..." He stood, but kept his eyes on the water, "I don't want to lose him... but all I'm doing is making things worse..." He looked at Watari, "But what I do know... is that I love him..."
"Then explain to him what is paining you and let him in. All he is trying to do is love you and you are making that very difficult for him by refusing to accept it," Watari replied. "Let him love you and you will never lose him."
"But now... now isn't a good time! If I tell him now, he'll only get hurt more... If he wasn't in hospital - if he wasn't hurt..." L let his head drop again. Even to him, it sounded like he was making excuses.
"If you want Light to talk to at all before he leaves the hospital then I suggest you tell him. He can be as stubborn as you are when it's something he really wants," Watari hinted. L's gaze travelled from the still water below him to the clear skies above, as if asking for guidance. He had tears silently making their way down his face. For some reason, he felt like this was the end of something.
"I wouldn't know how to..." He said quietly. This time it wasn't an excuse, just the honest truth. He didn't know how to open up to anyone, and now...now he was going to lose Light because of it.
His breathing hitched slightly and he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath – steadying himself.
"Do you think it has been easy for Light either? You are the only person he has ever met that is on his level so I wouldn't be surprised if he has been hiding himself a lot, but because you aren't revealing yourself as much he is the one that is pushed to do so." L sighed softly, staying still and letting the words flow into him. He agreed with Watari but... he still didn't know how to open up to anyone. He'd never done it in his life - never. Still...
He turned, without saying a word to Watari, and returned to the hospital. He stood outside the room, waiting for Light's parents to come out... he needed to do this alone with Light. It was at least ten minutes before they left and Light was snuggled up under the sheets, his eyes closed when L came in. L just walked in and sat down next to Light's bed. He waited patiently, to see if the other was asleep, or awake, and if he wanted to talk to him right now. Light's eyes flickered open and he glanced at L before closing his eyes again.
"If you don't want to talk to me, that's alright, I understand. But I would like you to at least listen," L said quietly. He was sat, staring at the ground, his legs in his usual position – holding his body up. He was staring at the ground, not finding it in him to look at Light.
"I love you, I really do. And I'm sorry – I realize how hard I've made this on you. I haven't been opening up to you, telling you anything. I thought – I thought it would spare you from getting hurt. But I realize now, that love isn't about that, it's about trust. That's one of the things you said to me, when we were first together... And at the time, I told you my name, thinking that's the one thing I need trust to tell you... but I was wrong. Yeah, it required a lot of trust for me to tell you that, but it was less than I should have given you. I should trust you enough to tell you everything. But... I don't know if I can." His words were quiet. "I know I love you... but saying the things that are in my head... saying the things that I feel... I'm not quite there yet."
This was hard for L, harder than he thought it would be. "I should be able to tell you everything that's on my mind, everything that I'm feeling, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that it would hurt you. And I know I shouldn't be, I should trust you to trust me...but I can't." Tears were falling again, but he didn't sob. For some reason, he knew that this was the end. "I'm not a real fiancé, hell, I'm not a real boyfriend if I can't tell my partner everything..."
"Do you understand what you're doing right now?" Light whispered, an almost amused smirk on his face. "You're opening up to me whilst telling me you can't trust me."
Frowning, L looked up, his eyes meeting Light's for a second. He had a puzzled expression on his face. "What do you mean?" He asked quietly, almost not daring to hope.
"You are telling me exactly how you feel and that is that you can't trust me," Light replied and he tried to keep his tone from being bitter. L looked down at his lap again.
"I'm telling you that I trust you – just not enough." He knew it; he knew that this was going to be the end. He had a sinking feeling in his chest, and his stomach was rebelling. But he wouldn't say it. He wouldn't break it off with Light.
He couldn't.
If this was going to end, it would have to be done by Light.
"Exactly," Light murmured. "You really don't want to be with me do you?"
"I do..." L said quietly, "But I don't think I can be..." honesty is the best policy. "To be honest, I can't actually picture my life without you in it... But I know that I'm not... I'm not good enough to be able to be right for you. All I'll ever do is hurt you, and I might never trust you enough that you'll be satisfied..." Light rolled onto his side.
"Can you hold me please?" Light asked softly, "I'm so tired." L wasn't sure what that meant, only that Light wanted to be held. Did this mean they were still together, or what? Still, without asking, L climbed onto Light's bed, sitting behind the male and putting his arms around him. He knew that the other would now be able to feel the shaking his entire body was doing, and the thumping of his heart. Truly, he was terrified, terrified that Light was going to tell him they were over.
That was something he didn't want – but he'd respect Light's decision if it came to that. Light curled up close to L and closed his eyes, falling asleep despite both his and L's turmoil. L lay awake, doing nothing but holding Light and worrying. Really, he would have liked to have known right away, but at least this way, if it's a negative answer, he'd have spent a little more time with Light, a few more precious hours holding him. Light didn't wake for over six hours.
Can anyone guess where Dr Kennedy came from? I know everyone will know where the other one came from. Lol I am also curious as to what your thoughts are on Light's plan and L's attempts to force Light to end it. So please leave a review, I was a bit sad last time that I didn't get any, but here I am posting anyway. Thanks for reading.