Wow, I have actually managed to keep on updating on a regular basis. It helps that these are already written. Anyway I hope you like this chapter.

For the entire time that Light slept, L remained in his bed, holding him. By the fifth hour, L had fallen asleep, not so peacefully beside Light. He was clutching onto him, but not tight enough to cause alarm or problems. In his sleep, he was muttering soft, 'I love you's and 'I'm sorry's When Light woke he wasn't sure whether or not he felt relieved to feel L's arm wrapped around his waist, holding Light close to him. L stayed asleep for around twenty minutes after Light, still muttering under his breath. The words were hardily distinguishable, but he tears were falling from his eyes. As he was waking, he moved closer to Light, snuggling a little before opening his eyes. Blearily, he looked at Light and smiled softly. Had yesterday just been a dream?

"Morning..." He whispered.

"Good morning," Light replied softly. He had spent the last twenty minutes revising his plan and he found no flaws in it. Meanwhile L wanted to know, he really felt like he needed to know... but he wasn't sure if he should ask... but...

"What happens now?" He asked quietly.

"I don't know…" Light replied and he swallowed harshly as his throat tightened. "But can I keep you at least till I leave the hospital?" L nodded, trying to swallow with his dry throat.

"You can keep me as long as you want," He said quietly. He didn't want Light to leave him, but he didn't think that he was right for Light – for anyone.

"I'm sorry," He said, his head bowed. "I wish I could be better..."

"I wish you could see how good you are, but you never listen to me. I want to keep you forever." Light curled up tightly against L. He felt numb.

"I-" L honestly didn't know what to say to that. He wished he was better, he wished he was more trusting. His head was still down, bowed to hide his face. "I wish I could tell you everything..."

"I know, let's not talk about that please. If we don't have much longer together, then I don't want to think about that," Light begged softly. L nodded, keeping his head bowed. He didn't deserve Light, he wasn't good enough. Those words were those that he'd been speaking the entire time, but he knew now, he knew more than ever that they were true.

"Life will never be the same..." he whispered to himself.

"I won't ever be able to love another," Light murmured. "So for now can I just love you for a bit longer?" Bringing his head up, L nodded softly.

"Just... give me a moment..." He said softly, "I'll be back soon..." He promised, standing and heading out of the room. He went to the bathroom, relieving himself and washing his hands. He then splashed water on his face, not caring that he got his hair wet. After a few deep breaths, he turned from the mirror and returned to Light's room. Smiling softly at the other, he retook his seat. "Sorry... had to go to the bathroom..."

"We all do," Light replied. Smiling, L nodded, not sure what else he could say. Suddenly, L's cell phone began to ring. Frowning, he tried to remember when he'd turned it back on, and figured he must have done that when he'd gone outside. It was a habit he didn't even realize he had. He pulled it out and answered it, not caring that it was against the rules.

"Hello?"

It was Near. He was calling to see how Light was, but he then started asking why L sounded upset.

"I'm fine Near..." He said softly, but even to his ears it was a lie. L's expression turned to something confused and then surprised. "He told you that...?" Pause, "I see." His tone was dark then, as if he'd been betrayed. "Thank you Near." He said sarcastically.

Then, "You want to what? ...alright..." A little confused, L passed the phone to Light. "He wants to talk to you." Light took the phone though he knew that it shouldn't have been on.

"Hello Near," Light said pressing the phone to his ear.

"Light," Near's curious voice had gone like L's used to be, dispassionate, emotionless. "Why is L upset? He won't say." He was worried, "And has your health improved?" He said that last part in Japanese, again practicing his words. He'd become quite skilled at the language after spending so long with Light.

"He's upset because he's given up despite promising me that he wouldn't. As for me, yeah, my health is improving fairly steadily I think," Light replied almost evasively. L heard those words, and the tears fell. But he didn't sob, nor object.

"Given up on what?" Near was curious. "I'm glad your health is okay..."

"Himself," Light replied simply. "I have to go now; he shouldn't have had his phone on in the first place."

"Be well..." Near said, "Both of you..." The phone clicked dead. L was now curled upon himself, tears falling.

"I'm sorry." He said, "I haven't given up... I just don't know how to... How to tell you everything..." He said quietly.

"I thought I said that I didn't want to talk about this," Light muttered avoiding the reply he wanted to give.

"Light," L looked up at Light, ignoring his tears; his expression was more serious than it's ever been. "We need to fix this, or it will break us. We need to talk about it... Something has to be done."

"What is there to talk about? You've given up," Light stated. "Now you're just waiting for me to break up with you." L closed his eyes, feeling his heart sink. He knew he didn't want that but...

"I haven't given up... I just... don't know. I don't know how. I don't know-" He was shaking his head, his hands reaching up to cover his eyes. "I- I want to try."

"No you don't," Light said calmly. "You never trust me and that is one of the most basic elements of a relationship. I want you to be able to believe me when I say that you're amazing, but you don't. You have never thought for an instant that you deserve me, when I have never felt luckier to have you. I'm tired of being the only one who is fighting for this."

"I'm fighting myself." L said softly. "I've been trying so hard... I'm believing you, a little more than I did before..." He sighed softly, "And I trust you more than I ever have anyone except my mother... But there are things in my past, things that I don't want you to know, things that I've been hiding for so long... Terrible things. And... I'm used to hiding. I don't want those things to hurt you, it's safer to hide..."

"The only reason I would hurt is because I care about you and I would rather hurt than lose you," Light said, finding the effort to be so much as annoyed to be too much.

"I killed someone!" L shouted, blurting out. He was sobbing now, but staring at Light, stubbornly. "I was three years old, and I shot my father. My mother never blamed me, but I always did. I've always had issues because of that; I've always thought I wasn't good enough. I don't deserve to be loved. I am not beautiful, I am not cute. I'm covered in his blood and always will be. I don't believe in myself, because I'm not worth believing in. And I didn't want you to have to know that. I didn't want you to have to see the monster I really am." His sobbing was stopped, but he kept talking. He was standing, defiantly. He was breathing deeply, trying to stop his sobbing; he tried to stop how he was close to breaking. He was trembling, completely, his whole body shaking. His hands were beside him, his fists clenched. He really hadn't wanted to say that.

"You were three years old. Of course it was an accident, there is no reason for your mother to blame you because it wasn't your fault," Light said.

"I knew what I was doing." L said darkly. "I didn't do it by accident. I picked up a gun, I loaded it, and then I shot him – right between the eyes!" He pointed to his own head, "And then I turned the gun on myself," He said, "But there were no more bullets."

"Then why did you do it?" Light said.

"Because I didn't like him," L said softly, his entire body relaxing and his knees giving way. He sat on the chair and his face crumpled, as if finally realizing what had happened. He started to sob even more. "I killed him because I didn't like him."

"Why didn't you like him?" Light asked, too numb to be affected by L's tears.

"He scared me," He said softly through his tears, "he used to call my mother names, and he used to hit me." He shook his head, "But nothing too bad, he'd never leave any marks, and it wouldn't be enough to hurt me permanently, but... But it scared me. I thought he'd hurt mother." He shook his head, wiping away some of the tears. They were replaced less than a second later. "He slapped me a few times and used bad language, and I killed him for it!"

"But you were three. Three year olds aren't meant to handle stuff like that. You weren't emotionally ready to be treated like that. Not that anyone ever is but you were still not at fault. You just didn't want him to hurt you and your mum anymore," Light said, his logic taking the place his emotions had left.

"I'm a monster. And I need to be blamed," L said slowly. His sobbing stopped as he closed his eyes and thought of that still lake, the water's surface. He calmed himself down.

But then memories surfaced. He could feel the cold metal of the gun in his hands, the warmth of the blood that splattered over him. He could hear his mother's horrified scream; see the surprised features of his father as he fell to the ground.

"I need someone to blame me. I need to blame me."

"There are many monsters in this world and you have met a lot of them yourself, but I can with absolute certainty that you could never be a monster and you do not deserve to be blamed for something that was not your fault."

L shook his head, "No." He stood again. "No. I took a life. I killed for personal reasons. I killed my father, and then pushed him off the cliff. And I did it because I didn't like him."

"Well until you forgive yourself you won't be able to give yourself to anyone. I could say it until I turned blue and you wouldn't believe me," Light said, the weight of L's emotions beginning to weigh heavily on him. Sitting down, L shook his head.

"I've never... I've never told anyone about this before... The only people that know... are you and me. My mother's dead, my father's dead. We're the only ones that know..." It was sort of a relief to have someone else know, to have told his biggest secret. Why couldn't he tell Light everything? If he could tell him this... why couldn't he tell him everything else?

"Thankyou for telling me," Light murmured, shutting in a bit further.

L nodded, looking down at the floor. He didn't say anything else for a while before he swallowed and looking up at Light. He bit his lip before speaking. "I love you." He said quietly. "I know that it doesn't seem like it sometimes..." He said, "but I really do."

"I love you," Light parroted.

"I don't want... I don't want us to end," He said softly, he was looking at the ground again, his legs under his body. "I really don't. I want to be able to tell you everything, but I just don't know how."

"I don't either," Light echoed, it was so much easier to just block everything out. "I wanted us to be forever."

"I still want us to be forever," L admitted. "I want to know how to make it work..."

"I told you so many times," Light said, forcing himself to listen.

"Tell me again..." L pleaded, "Just one more time..."

"You needed to trust me," Light said. "You needed to forgive yourself and you needed to believe that you are worthy of being with me."

"How...?" L asked again quietly, "I already trust you, but how can I forgive myself? Would you forgive the person who killed your father?"

"…" Light had gone to speak but he stopped himself quickly. "It wasn't your fault." L nodded tiredly, with a sigh. He put his hands over his head.

"I know..." He said quietly, "But I still killed someone." He sighed and shook his head, chuckling slightly. He remembered how easy it was for him to forgive Light. Could he do the same for himself. He thought for a moment, before there was a sharp intake of breath. He was confused, but he realized that the guilt, the burden he'd been holding for so long... was gone. Maybe he'd never blamed himself... he just... never shared it.

"L-Light... I don't... I don't think I blame myself... I don't think I ever did..." he said softly, "I just didn't share it. I didn't feel like I trusted anyone enough..." He looked up at the other.

"I'm glad," Light replied. "Thankyou for telling me." Nodding, L looked to Light.

"But I still think you're far too patient for me... Get angry at me, yell at me... Get pissed at me. Do something to show that you're not as perfect as I see you..."

"I had to be, I would have lost you otherwise," Light said softly.

"Don't be. Get angry at me. Yell at me, hell, you can hit me, just... don't be so patient with me." He looked down at the ground, "It makes me feel bad"

"I will, but not now. Right now I am too tired to do anything much," Light said letting his exhaustion show. Smiling, L nodded, standing and moving towards the bed.

"C-can I hold you again?"

"Yes of course you can," Light replied and lifted his arms up to beckon L to him. Thankfully, L moved to Light and lay down next to him, pulling him close to his trembling body. He closed his eyes and relaxed slightly. But his body was still shaking. He'd never been so afraid before. He was holding Light too tightly, and had to consciously relax his grip, so he didn't hurt Light. Light hugged L tightly, trying to focus on L's warmth, on his breathing, on something in order to bring himself back, but he was failing. L leaned closer to Light.

"I love you," he stated again, leaning his head on Light's chest. "I really do. And I want nothing but to be with you. Forever and always."

"Thankyou," Light whispered.

"For what?" L asked, honestly not knowing what there was to be thanked for. "All I've been doing is screwing things up..." He said with a smile.

"Loving me and wanting to be with me," Light explained.

"I'll always love you, I'll always want you. It's as much of a part of me as my eyes or my hair. As my heart."

"That's nice," Light whispered, closing his eyes to rest them.

L laughed slightly, "Go to sleep." He said, gently stroking his chest. "I'll be here when you wake up."

"Not sleepy," Light retorted. "Just resting my eyes."

Laughing, L nodded, "Sure..." He said with a roll of his eyes. "Sleep." He ordered, "You really do seem tired."

"No, I just slept before," Light said. Smiling softly, L moved slightly so that he was closer to Light.

"Light... can I kiss you?" He asked. Before, he would've just kissed him, but now...now he wasn't sure where he stood. Light wondered at the irony of L being the one to ask this time.

"Yes, you may." Leaning closer, he kissed Light slowly, lovingly. He pulled back and then smiled softly at Light.

"I love you..." he said softly. "Now and forever... please... please don't tell me to leave..."

"I won't," Light promised. L smiled at that and kissed Light again.

He then pulled back, "You need your rest." He said, "You had major surgery."

"I know but it's not exactly like I'm doing anything," Light said. L nodded, holding Light closer to himself.

"Okay." He said softly. "What do you want to do?"

"Mmmm… Nothing… Have you hold me," Light sighed, his mask now completely in place now.

"What's bothering you?" He asked softly, replacing his head on Light's chest. "And don't say there isn't. Tell me...?" He didn't want to demand it, especially after what had happened before.

"Just my nightmare from earlier, I guess it's still bugging me," Light replied.

"What was it?" L asked calmly. "Sometimes talking can help..." He offered, knowing that Light didn't have to answer.

Knowing that L would get more suspicious if he didn't answer he said, "I don't really remember all that, but I remember how I felt." Nodding, L gently stroked Light's chest.

"Scared?" He asked softly.

"Yeah and angry, but at me," Light answered. Stroking Light's head softly, L smiled softly.

"You're okay now, you're safe, and I won't let you get hurt."

"My protector," Light whispered sounding content.

"My saviour," L countered. "You made me human again..."

"You gave me someone to love," Light replied, his eyes still closed and he fell asleep without realising he had done. Smiling L looked at Light and nodded, watching him fall asleep. He smiled at him, and gently sighed. He closed his own eyes, listening to Light's breathing.

Luckily Light wasn't asleep as long this time and he woke just as the nurse was bringing in his dinner. L stayed sleeping, laying against Light even when his dinner came. Light looked at the nurse helplessly before she finally assisted him in moving the man so that Light could be propped up enough to eat. L just shifted slightly in his sleep, sighing softly.

"Light..." he mumbled. Light glanced down at the sleeping male who was back to being curled around him and smiled slightly before returning to his meal. Not that it should in any shape or form be considered food. After a short while, L blinked his eyes open, sniffing the air.

"Custard?" he said randomly, sitting up and looking around confused and dazed. He looked and saw that there was custard on Light's plate and frowned. He shook his head and smiled softly.

"That's a random thing to wake up to..."

"It is," Light agreed, "Especially since I hate the stuff." Light picked up his spoon and began playing with the substance boredly.

"You kidding?" L asked, his eyes wide, "Custard is like one of the... best things I can think of to eat when you're sick! It's wonderful!"

"It tastes funny," Light replied and screwed up his nose.

"Mm, I love custard. Especially the green stuff, peppermint or something..." He smiled at Light and looked at the custard on his plate. "May I?" He asked, his stomach growling. He hadn't eaten in a long time, and it was catching up to him.

"Sure," Light replied and pushed the plated and spoon over to L. Smiling at Light, L nodded in his thanks and started eating the custard. He finished quickly and smiled at Light.

"Thanks." His stomach growled again, and he smiled sheepishly.

"Why don't you go and have something to eat? I'll be ok," Light said smiling back.

"No..." L said with a small, fleeting smile, "I'm fine..." Truth was, he actually felt kind of dizzy. He hadn't eaten in quite a while, and he doubted that he could make it to the cafeteria without passing out along the way. He was sure some of this showed on his face, but he was determined to stay with Light and to not faint. "Besides, I'd rather stay here with you."

"Go or I will get out of bed to make you and since I can't even get out of bed I will make you feel horribly guilty from my feeble attempts," Light threatened with a grin.

"I don't think I'll be able to." L admitted. "It's been so long since I've eaten, that I'm feeling dizzy sitting down. If I move, I'll end up on the floor." He smiled and shook his head, "I'll have Watari bring me something later. Don't worry, I won't starve to death."

"Call for a nurse then and see if they can bring you some because I don't want you fainting on me," Light replied.

"I already tried, they won't." L said defeated. "Watari should be here in a few hours, I'll be fine." He said. Light's eyes narrowed.

"Let me have a try…" Leaning over Light pressed the call button and a couple of minutes later a young trainee nurse came in and Light smiled at his luck.

"Is there something you wanted?" She asked, slightly flustered at how good looking the young man lying in the bed was.

"Could you please get my friend something to eat? I know you're probably very busy, but he has been so busy taking care of me that he has forgotten to eat and I'm worried he will pass out soon," Light said, the ever-present tiredness adding a dramatic effect and the nurse's heart melted.

"Oh of course, my break is in a couple of minutes so do you think he can hold out till then?" She simpered and Light said that he could and the nurse left.

L turned to Light and playfully scowled, "Using your looks is cheating." He pouted. Then, he smiled and looked bashful. "Thank you though."

"How did I cheat?" Light said innocently. "I didn't know we were competing with each other."

"There's no way I'm competing with you in looks," L said, pulling back and waving his arms in front of himself in a surrendering gesture. "I don't enter competitions that I'll never win." He was smiling at the other.

"I thought it was just a competition on who could get a nurse to bring you food," Light said grinning. "Besides I think you're beautiful." Blushing a little, L nodded, biting his lips.

"But you are more so," He said, looking Light in the eyes. For once, he didn't deny being beautiful. He couldn't deny it. He was starting to believe the words that were constantly tumbling out of Light's mouth.

Light smile softened a little, "Thankyou for not arguing with about it this time." Bowing his head to hide the even darker flush, L started playing with his fingers that were in his lap (he'd sat like a normal person for once).

"Well... I know you wouldn't lie to me..." He said softly

"Thankyou for trusting me," Light said. L nodded, still looking down. He was flushed a deep red, and wasn't sure if he wanted Light to see his face this red, not right now. Light saw this and lifted his hand to stroke a heated cheek with the back of his fingers. Soon enough, the nurse returned with a plate of hot food. It was exactly the same as what Light had been brought. L looked up at Light and smiled softly before reaching forward and eating some of the food. He only ate half of it before pushing it away. He then looked at Light, a sour look on his face.

"I'll be right back..." He mumbled before standing and rushing to the bathrooms. Once there, he emptied his stomach, vomiting harshly into the toilet bowl. After he'd finished with that, he moved to the sink. Washing his hands and his mouth out with the water, he then looked up at his reflection. He'd lost weight. A lot of weight. There hadn't been that much to lose, but now his bones were very prominent. His face was so thin that his eyes seemed even larger than they were before. His skin was almost the same colour as the white wall behind him, giving him an odd look of being transparent. He found his hand moving up to pull the dark skin under his eyes down slightly, seeing his blood shot eyes.

He wasn't well.

Light's confusion at L's sudden disappearance turned to annoyance and he barely resisted the urge to throw the rest of L's food on the floor… but he didn't have the energy needed to do so. After a short while, L returned to Light's side, looking quite green and even paler than usual. He smiled softly, apologetically at the other.

"Sorry." He mumbled, before sitting down beside Light. He picked up his tray and swallowed the nausea that was coming. He moved the tray out of the way and turned back to Light, taking a few deep breaths to try and prevent more vomiting. Light didn't speak, but he was no longer glaring. Carefully controlling his breathing, L closed his eyes trying to keep the bile down. Soon, he managed to open them and send a small, shaky smile to Light.

"Sorry I had to go like that..." He mumbled, "Thought you'd rather not see me do what I had to..."

"And I'm glad I didn't. I suppose you're not hungry anymore are you?" Light said only partially teasing. Grimacing slightly, L nodded.

"Definitely not hungry." He looked at Light and closed his eyes with a relieved chuckle. He was glad the other wasn't angry at him for that. "But I think I should force myself to eat something again soon."

"Yeah, but eat it slower next time," Light cautioned.

"It's not that," L said with a shake of his head, "I went through a stage of Anorexia when I was a kid, and it's never really left me. If I don't eat for a while, then I eat, I feel nauseous for a few times. Then, after a while, I can eat normally again."

"Ok," Light said a thoughtful look on his face. L looked down at his lap before looking up at Light.

"We're not... we're not going to break up... are we?" he asked quietly, wanting, no needing to hear it from Light.

"I don't think so," Light said softly.

"Oh thank god." L sighed in relief. He relaxed completely and looked up at Light, grinning. "I wouldn't know what to do..."

"Neither would I," Light replied, snuggling into the bed. L gently stroked Light's bandages, looking at them with a sad expression.

"Let's just concentrate on getting you better." He suggested, his hand moving down to gently stroke the side of Light's face.

"Ok," Light replied and rubbed against L's hands gently. L stood and smiled at Light.

"I'll go have a word with your doctor. See about your condition." He said with a smile. And he left the room to do just that, finding Light's doctor quickly.

Thanks to everyone for reading and a special thanks to DaJapican for reviewing the last chapter. I know it's not looking for Light and L at the moment, but the story isn't even close to being over. Please review if you can be bothered and if you want to flame, tell me why, because I might agree with you.