I drive to work having dropped the kids off back at the apartment with Sonja. All the way back Cody and Astor argue as to who has been taught the most 'kicking' skill by Maria. Thanks Maria. Astor mimes blowing Cody away with an imaginary police issue revolver and Cody attempts to restrain her before she can shoot him. Harrison sits in his car seat and smiles. At least one of them doesn't seem hell bent on violence, though it strikes me as wrong somehow that it is not my biological offspring who is exhibiting blood lust.
"Hey, guys! Be careful!" I say loudly as I glance in the rear view mirror and see Cody grabbing Astor's gun arm. They are laughing now, not fighting anymore and Harrison is hitting Cody on the head with a plastic, turtle shaped rattle. Ah. That's more like it. I shake my head and pull in to the kerb.
"Ok, so, see you tonight for dinner. What do you think you'll want?"
"Pizza!" They chorus, looking at each other as they realise they have agreed on something. Astor takes Harrison out of his car seat and hoists him on to her hip, so like Rita. She kisses me on the cheek through the window. She's got much more affectionate over the last few weeks.
"Phone when you're on your way," she says, all adult and sensible. I give her a mini salute with my fingertips and she smiles, turning and carrying the toddler to Sonja's apartment.
I pull out into traffic thinking about the kids' food requests. Pizza, just what Lumen said we'd be having. Even though I have no idea what she's doing in Miami, no idea what she wants from me, if she wants anything at all, I still feel better knowing she's here.
"What if she's hunting you, Dex?" Harry looks at me seriously, his face a picture of concern. I twist my mouth and look back at him, flicking my eyes back to the road as a car in front turns left.
"I don't know. I'm going to have to watch her and see." I take the glove from my back pocket and put it on the dash.
"What are you going to do about that?" Harry nods to the black hand lying limply on the vinyl.
"Give it back." I say. I feel his expression but he is gone. I stop briefly for donuts, the ritual is part of my old self that I don't want to lose, Dexter the donut guy.
"Perfect! Just perfect!" says Angel depositing his hat on his desk and making for the wide white box I am carrying as the elevator doors open. "How can I be hungry after all those pancakes? I don't know but... oh... pink frosting!" He grins and grabs one covered in stuff that is guaranteed tooth decay. I smile.
"Alcohol, that's alcohol making you eat." I nod to him and he grins.
"How many have you had already, amigo? Did you drink all those tequila shots Masuka bought for you?" he shakes his head, "Madre santé! That was a lot of tequila. Did you have fun last night? You don't look like a man who has been up all night being bad, eh?" he chuckles and I smile.
"How do you know I was being bad? I might have been being very good." I look at him, wide eyed innocence personified. He laughs again and slaps me on the shoulder. Let him take it how he likes.
"This is what I like! We had a good night, we should do it again!" He takes a napkin from the box and wanders back to his desk, licking his fingers.
"Hey Dexter! Nice to see you this morning, at a more civilised hour, bro. I thought you weren't going to be here. What happened, get tied up?" Deb laughs hysterically at her own joke. I sigh, is she going to ever get bored of this? I shake my head and offer the donut box.
"No, Debra," I use her full name and look right at her and she just grins. "I was not 'tied up' and I presume that lame joke was a reference to your supposition about some of the things I said this morning." I turn to go, she thinks she's upset me. Her hand is on my arm, the donut box wobbles dangerously.
"Ok, I'm sorry. You're right I shouldn't tease you, Jesus, that was the most conversation I think we've ever had. I'm letting it go, even though I had some killer lines ready." She smiles and takes a donut and bites it. She grins around the sugary residue.
"No luck on the little girl murderer?" I ask, moving to my desk, putting down the donuts and hooking my bag on the back of the chair. She shakes her head, mouth still too full to speak. No, and you won't have because last night I watched Lumen kill him and chop him up into manageable pieces. I smile. "Any more leads?" she shakes her head again and swallows.
"No, the douche seems to have just vanished. I don't know what's going on around here recently, we get a case that looks hot and the next thing we know, poof!" She waves her hand like a magician, donut crumbs all over my desk, I sigh. "Sorry Dex, hang on," she says as she leans over to wipe them onto the floor where they're so much more hygienic. I smile tightly. She takes another donut.
"Lunch today?" she asks, turning and walking back to her desk, waving the donut and leaving a wake of crumbs which Hansel and Gretel could have followed with their eyes shut. It's a good job she's not the serial killer in the family. The way she scatters evidence, she'd have been on Death Row years ago, I think, as I go over to Quinn's desk. I don't like him but I'm being sociable.
"Donut?" I ask politely as I bring the box down so he can see. He's on the phone, receiver crooked into his shoulder as he smiles and reaches up for the box. I bring my arm lower.
"Ok, well, call me if you hear anything," he says and hangs up. "Thanks Dex. Did you get that stuff talked out with Deb this morning? Fucking early to be having a heart to heart." He bites the donut and smiles. I nod.
"Well, you know, sometimes you've just gotta talk to someone. Sorry I woke you. "
"Hey, it's ok, I managed to get some of the mattress when she'd gone. Man, your sister flails about in her sleep. It's a wonder I ever get any shut eye the way she carries on." He sighs and I nod, thinking that there are some things which I don't want to be discussing with Quinn.
"That and the grade A, foul mouthed fucking you're getting!" Masuka snatches a donut, even though he has to go on tiptoes to do it, and leans on Quinn's desk. Quinn looks at him like he's some kind of alien life form. I think Quinn might have a point there. "I've heard that she screams like a banshee when she's on it!" Masuka grins, his eyes crinkling behind the round glasses. I sigh and shake my head. He misinterprets the gesture.
"No? She doesn't? Well Dex, I guess you'd know, sharing that little apartment with her for so long. You know I did wonder what the noise must be like up there sometimes, back in the day before you got married and moved out. You with Rita and Deb with... well whoever she was with that week." I look at Masuka, eyes wide and shaking my head slowly. He doesn't get it. He glances to Quinn whose face looks like he might just get up and punch Masuka in the nose at any moment.
I watch, as the realisation of what he has said dawns on Masuka's face. He swallows his donut slowly and tries to grin but it just ends up in a grimace of fear. He points to our tiny lab in the corner of the office.
"Foot print samples." He squeaks and backs away, only turning his back on us when he is three desks from us. Quinn looks at me.
"What a jerk." He says, shaking his head and taking another donut, they're popular today. "Do you ever wonder what he does in his home life, Dex?" I frown and watch the small man scuttle to his desk where a tall blonde lab assistant from somewhere else in the station is waiting for him. I nod.
"I'm not entirely sure I'd want to know." I say seriously. Quinn looks in the same direction as me and nods too. It's the most bonding we've ever done. Maybe him dating my sister is a good thing, if only I could actually work out what he knew about me, I'd be a lot happier.
I knock on LaGuerta's door and pop my hand holding the donut box around it, she laughs.
"Come in Dexter. Thanks, I'd love one. I think I expended far too much energy with Cody and Astor last night." She perches on the edge of the desk with her donut, I notice it is the same one that Angel chose.
"Thanks for that Maria, I had a good night and it was nice not to worry that I was putting Sonja out. They seemed to have a great time." She finishes chewing her bite before she speaks, delicately wiping her mouth with an immaculately manicured nail. It's pink, to match the particularly colourful ensemble of the tiger print blouse and pink suit she's wearing today. With her gold jewellery and bright colours she reminds me of the tropical fish I sometimes see when I'm out on my boat. She nods.
"I think I did too. They're very entertaining. They seem to be coping after..." She pauses unsure of what to say. I nod, I know what she means.
"Yeah, I think they are. It's still hard for them, it always will be I guess." Maria pushes herself from the desk and touches my arm. I look down, a little alarmed at the intimacy.
"And for you, too. Look, it might be none of my business but..." She lets go of me and retreats behind her desk. I relax, I am much happier with this arrangement," but Angel said you met a girl last night?" I open my mouth to say something but she carries on.
"And Deb said today that you might not be in work today, that you'd seemed pretty messed up when she spoke to you this morning. And it made me wonder what was going on with you, Dex?" This is what happens when you work with a bunch of people who spend their lives following clues and finding evidence, it's a wonder I've hidden anything. It strikes me as interesting that it's my love life they're all so interested in, not any other aspect of who I am. I guess it's just as well. I look at my feet, holding the donut box between us like a shield.
"Maria," I sigh, how can I be having this kind of conversation again? Has the universe gone mad and decided it's 'Get Deep with Dexter Day'? No one warned me. I'd have liked a warning. Is this part of the new me, being something other than a monster? I'm not sure I like it, it certainly makes me feel uncomfortable.
"I...I'm having a hard time about someone I don't see anymore." Unless you count the fact that I spent nearly all last night stalking her and watching her commit a felony, I add to myself. Maria nods, a blow of breath telling me she's glad I am talking. For a moment I feel sorry for her, she probably steeled herself for this conversation, expecting to get my usual chirpy brush off. But she still said it anyway.
"This Lumen girl?" I look up, eyebrows knotted. She moves back in her chair and I wonder what part of me I have let slip, I have to be more careful. I have to work out what this new me is showing to the world. First Deb in the coffee shop and now LaGuerta have seen too much. "Angel said he spoke to her, for Deb," she says hastily, pronouncing his name with the soft 'h' sound she uses when she's being affectionate about him.
"Oh, right." I say, nodding, trying to claw back some of the old me, the Dexter no one saw through. "Ok."
"He said she was nice. We thought we might get to meet her but..." she spreads her hands and her bracelets jingle on her arm. She looks puzzled. I squirm, oh god. What do I say now? I grimace.
"Mmm. Well, I would have liked that I think but, she's gone now." I try not to sound upset, I try not to sound like anything but I can see from her face she thinks this is just male pride. She cocks her head to one side and sighs.
"And you don't know where she is? You can't go and speak to her? Look, I hope I'm not being too pushy but you're one of my team Dex and you're a friend." I look up at her soft brown eyes, she's a passionate person, I know that. Over the years I've seen her fight, play dirty, fall in love. It's no mistake that she's married to Angel, they have what he likes to call 'La Pasion'. You can hear the capitals when he says it. Right now there is some of that passion in Maria's eyes. If she were me she'd be out there fighting for Lumen, winning her back because that's what matters. La Pasion matters. Maybe she's right.
"Maybe, I don't know..." I tail off lamely. She smiles softly and comes back around the desk. I try not to back away but I involuntarily lift the donut box between us like there's safety in confectionary. She smiles again.
"Think about it Dexter. A woman appreciates honesty and passion in a man." She plucks the word from my brain like she has a secret window into my head. Am I really that transparent? The idea makes me sweat.
I get out of there as fast as I can, relinquishing a second donut that she says she shouldn't eat, patting her ample hips and smiling ruefully. I can't see anything wrong with LaGuerta's hips, they seem fine to me and Angel must like them.
I spend the rest of the morning safely behind my desk with the blinds closed. I shut the door against Masuka's insane flirting with the blonde lab assistant and sit in the dark, hands over my eyes, elbows on the table. What the fuck is happening to me?
Suddenly the night's activities catch up with me, my eyes feel like lead and my breathing is getting slow, I feel a dribble down my chin and jerk awake, hastily wiping my mouth. Coffee, I need coffee.
I cross the office and make for the elevator. No one bothers me, Quinn and Deb are poring over some file, she leans on his shoulder and their heads almost touch. I envy them their ease with each other. Angel is in Maria's office, she is waving her arms and he is gesturing too, whatever it is they're talking about has them both fired up, suddenly he hugs her and I see her fingers pressing into his back, indenting the wildly patterned shirt he is wearing. I sigh. Jesus. Is everyone at it?
The elevator is empty and I am glad. People, I just don't want to see any more people. I go down to the parking lot and get a coffee from the stand just outside. The day is hot but I go and sit in the SUV anyway, the metal crash shell of the car making me feel safer, protected from the outside world. I rest my cup on the dashboard and pick up Lumen's glove. Surreptitiously I sniff the leather and feel my muscles relaxing as I breathe her in. I realise that I need her, I need her to be at peace.
I close my eyes and let that feeling wash over me, trying not to struggle as the frightening wave of something I have not really experienced before crashes over my head. I needed Rita too, I tell myself. She made me real. I cast my mind back to those days before we found out she was pregnant with Harrison. The contentment of the routine of my life, the regularity of it all, sex on Tuesday, Thursdays and Saturdays, pizza night on Wednesday, bowling on Friday. Until Lumen that was the nearest I had to feeling at peace. At least, without a knife in my hand and a plastic apron protecting me from blood splatter.
I realise, sitting there in the sunshine, the car filled with the smell of coffee, of Lumen, that I had mistaken routine for happiness. It's an easy mistake when you are as compulsive as I am. Mentally I weigh the two worlds. Rita and the family man, Lumen and the killer. There's no competition and I feel mildly traitorous as I realise that with Lumen I could have had both worlds at once.
This leads me to thinking about Lumen's new day job. Is it new? Is this what she did before those men kidnapped her? I correct myself, before she skipped her own wedding and ran away to Miami? Maybe it is, I remember she said something about college but she never said what she studied.
The image of her holding that child is bright in my mind's eye. She looked so happy and I can't help but let my thoughts wander down a path where I wonder what it'd be like to live with Lumen and the kids, as a family again. She'd be a good mother, there's no mistaking that. How she dealt with Astor and her friend when they showed up drunk, her willingness to cuddle Harrison, look after him and play with him. I get that tight feeling in my chest again.
I can feel a decision forming in my body. The part of me that was not willing to face rejection, that wouldn't, for my own sake, face her and speak to her, is prepared to do it for the kids. Cody and Astor and Harrison deserve that second chance at a family life. The chance that the Morgans gave to me all those years ago.
I don't know when I drift off to sleep but I wake up suddenly as a driver in the lot honks his horn at the garbage men who are blocking the exit. The coffee is cold and the glove lies next to it, empty until I fill it with her hand again.
Donut Dexter! We all love him. Thanks for all your support so far! I really appreciate your support and enthusiasm! It makes me want to do better! Thanks to VB who betaed even though a dog tried to save Christmas! Cx