I wasn't ready for this.
A part of me wanted to just blurt out: "What do you think?" but I knew I had to keep my cool and manage the conversation. So I said:
"John… John Paul… I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I know I haven't always shown it properly but it's the truth. The time we've spent apart taught me that much…"
"But Craig?" He interjected. "We…"
I stopped him. "Please, John Paul, let me finish." I said this calmly. "You asked me a question and I'd like to say my piece. Okay?" I looked at him expectantly.
"Okay," he agreed, probably reluctantly. I know how difficult it is for him to wait and listen while someone else speaks, so I know I should try and do this quickly. He's a little impatient like that ;)
"What I was trying to say is this. John Paul, you are my best friend in the whole wide world. You were my boyfriend, my lover, for years, and you will always be the love of my life. I can only hope that we'll make a life together. And it doesn't matter to me whether it is as boyfriends … partners … again, or whether it will be as best friends, raising our boy. Well, of course, it does matter, but you know what I mean. I'd be happy just to be a part of your life. But I will always hope for us."
I stop talking and wait for his reaction.
He doesn't speak
for a while.
"Craig, I…"
He finally starts talking. My heart stops beating.
"I don't know what to say … what I want. A part of me wants to just say 'yes – yes', but I'm scared and …" he stops again.
I remain quiet. I know it's his turn to speak and I won't push him.
I keep my eyes on the road, stay silent while I drive on. I can feel his turmoil as he sits there, on my left hand side.
"Just say it, John," I finally whisper.
"I'm scared and I'm angry. There, I've said it. I wish we could just get back together, and that would be it. But I don't think that I can."
I have to fight back the tears. I can't look at him.
Where was a rest stop when you really needed one?
Where?
I know he's crying.
He's not making any sound, but he's turned his face to the left and I just know he is.
Silent tears are also running down my cheeks.
This wasn't supposed to go like this!
Finally we reach the village of Bala. I see a parking lot next to a shop and make a turn for it. I park the car and switch off the engine.
He doesn't turn to face me, but I turn towards him.
I take his left hand and bring it to my face, to my lips. I kiss his hand as I wipe the tears off my face.
"Be angry, John Paul, be as angry as you need to be. Just tell me!" I whisper pleadingly.
He slowly turns around.
I was wrong.
He wasn't crying.
He's still sad, but looks like … what?
Like he's empty.
And that's when my heart breaks,
and I start crying
again.