SELF JUSTIFICATION

Hello my dear people. Feels like it's been ages since I wrote something, but here I am again. It's not going to be a long story-two or three chapters. The plot in this one, is partly inspired by a wonderful story "Coming to you" by Nathea-a very talented writer, (if you haven't read it yet, please do) and partly by the event from the series. Thank you Nathea for an inspiration.

Story summary: Elsie knows everything, as always and now she has some knowledge, which hurts her heart deeply, although she doesn't show it, but Charles's behavior cause that she erupts with anger, revealing what was suppose to be a secret.

Legal note: I do not own any of the wonderful DA characters.

It's been quite a while, since Elsie found out, that Charles Carson is not exactly the man that he wanted to be in everyone's eyes. He wanted to be perceived as decent, fair and dutiful. As a moral lynchpin of the Abbey, as someone who never committed a wicked deed in his life. His external facade and appearances, that he so liked to keep, were efficient for most people who knew him. Most people believed in his message about himself. They didn't doubt about the specific features of his character. They believed, that he was someone who always did the right thing and never set his foot wrong. He was pretty convincing for an average person.

However this was not the case with Elsie, because Elsie saw much more than the others and Elsie knew him much better, than he even knew himself. He could get away with many things with other people, but not with Elsie. The reason of that was simple. Elsie was the one, who was madly in love with him.

She couldn't even say for how long. Sometimes, when she tried to analyze, she had to be honest and admit it to herself, that it was probably from the beginning, but she found that out later on, when she noticed, how much she enjoys his company, how much she is waiting for the end of the day, not only because all the duties were over, but mostly because she knows, that by the end of the day they will finally be alone again. Just the two of them, few glasses of alcohol and their wonderful talks about everything. They shared so many thoughts with each other-childhood memories, views about different things, likes and dislikes about the people that surrounded them and many, many more..

Elsie was waiting impatiently for each of those meetings, because it was the only moment during the day, when she could have him all to herself and she loved that feeling, especially since she realized, how much in love she is with him. She knew, that she couldn't do anything about it-it was out of the question to confess her love to him, from many different reasons, but sharing those intimate talks with him, was the thing that had to be enough for her and from this reason, she hated when there were interruptions from the staff. Even though she was a kind and decent woman, her subordinates quickly realized, that if they will try to interrupt her evening moments with Mr Carson, they will be treated coldly for the next few days. Once they realized it, they let them in peace, unless there was really an emergency in the house.

Elsie was fully appreciating those moments with Charles, because this was all that she could ask for in this situation. She was wondering and dreaming, that maybe after a while, he will realize, how she felt about him and what was even more important, he will reciprocate those feelings, as she already knew, that they were perfect for each other, even if they had such completely different characters. She knew it already and she was hoping, that it won't be long while he will realize it too.

For a very long time, she was living under impression, that there is something so special between them, something that can't even be put in words, but they both knew that it's there... She loved him with all her heart and she didn't stop to take care of him, even for a second. With all the enormity of work that she had at the Abbey and thousands of duties, that she had to take care of everyday, she still found time to make sure, that Charles has everything that he needs. Small, insignificant things, but nothing gave her much joy, than a knowledge that she could make him happy.

Her love for him was pure and innocent, because she never had an intimate relation in her life and she perceived him much the same. She was imagining, that he was as innocent as she was and that made it all even more beautiful in her eyes, because she felt, that it's simply perfect, that they are both living in chastity, secretly loving each other, even though they are not able to express that love physically.

Unfortunately, it was not the whole truth and the day when Elsie discovered that, was one of the worst days in her life. When interfiering and noisy O'Brien, who always knew everything, spoke to Thomas and Elsie was a silent and invisible witness of that conversation, Elsie's heart was forever broken, when she found out, that during the London season, Charles was visiting houses of ill repute. As much as she would want to believe that it's not true, the source of this information was undeniable. Plus Elsie knew, that O'Brien, as mean as she was, wouldn't risk to spread such rumors, if she wasn't 100% sure that it was true.

Elsie could never remember, how she got to her room that night, but she remembered, that she cried all night, as her perfect dreams were simply ruined, by the knowledge that she unexpectedly gained.

For the next few days, she couldn't even force herself to speak to him, other than the necessary talks about the household matters. What's more, she wasn't even able to look at him. She felt disguist, shock and she was wondering, if this was enough to stop loving him.

Time showed that it wasn't. After first, initial shock Elsie realized, that in spite of knowing what she knew, she still loved him madly. Of course she was very hurt and for a longer time she let him know, that things were not as before, but he didn't know what was her problem. He was surprised about the sudden change of behavior, but he didn't ask any questions.

Elsie on her side, was trying so hard, to not to let this knowledge dominate her relations with him, but every time those images of him and the fallen women filled her head, she felt such pain, such anger, that she could hardly control herself. Sometimes she had to calm herself down, especially when he was making some moral speech to the footmen, because there were moments, when she wanted to slap him and shout out to the world, what she knew about him. That would certainly be the end of everything, she would lost her job, he would hate her for ruining his perfect image in the eyes of others and her life would be finished.

So she had to clench her teeth, hide her raging emotions deep inside and pretend like nothing has happened. Sometimes she was furious at him, but at other times, she was just extremely sad. When they were talking and drinking and he was smiling to her so warmly, she wanted to caress his cheek and simply ask him why- why on earth did he feel a need of doing something so hideous? Elsie was not experienced, but she didn't live in a sack, so she understood, that men have needs, that had to be satisifed, but the realization that Charles, her Charles, was one of those men was too much to bear...

Elsie thought, that she would have nothing against that, if she knew that this has happened to him before, when he was younger. That would be really easy to justify-the age and a need of "going wild" would be the factors that could ease his deeds. But now? At his age, with his professional position and with all that has been going on between them? Elsie sighed deeply...Maybe that was a problem, maybe she was the only one of the two of them, who thought that there was "something" between them...Maybe he didn't feel the same way..

Those disturbing thoughts, have entered her head constantly, interfiering their relationship. As much as she tried and in spite of the fact, that she was still in love with him, part of her adoration was naturally gone and there wasn't much, that she could do about it...If she could ask him, clarify, investigate, why he was doing what he was doing, but she couldn't and that was slowly killing her inside every day...

That's all for today's chapter my lovelies...Short introduction to the story...I know, so far it doesn't look very good, but bear with me and see how the story will go further...In the next one, we will know a little bit more about Charles's side of the story and then, there will be an event which will make Elsie lost her temper about this situation...I hope you liked the first chapter. Your opinions are always important to me, so if you have time, please leave a review, they are much appreciated. Have a wonderful weekend and see you very soon!