No help comes immediately.

John Paul is still there looking me in the eye, but I realise the humour. He's not there to judge me. Not here and now, at least.

I decide to reply openly, not to hide. There have been too much of hiding from my side since we got together.

'John Paul, how long have we known each other?' I don't wait for a reply. 'Almost eight years, right?' I still don't wait. 'And when did I ever NOT shy away from saying what I really felt for you? Really?'

Tears roll down my face as I confront my treatment of the person who is and will always be the love of my life. Who knew that realising one's feelings was as sudden and emotional as this?

I sense that he is about to speak, so I interrupt him.

'John… John Paul… wait! I want to finish. When we first met at school, I was surprised by you. I mean, here was this young, confident guy, who seemed to have the world at his feet… who wasn't scared of Justin or Sonny … who actually just seemed to like me, to be interested in becoming myfriend.'

I pause for a moment.

'I'd never experienced that. You know that, John! You're my first friend who's a boy… God, that sounds even weirder than it is, but really, that's how it is: You are my first BOY friend, John Paul.'

I giggle at the expression, and feel him join me quietly.

'And then I actually found out you liked… no, that you LOVED me, John Paul. You loved me! And at the same time Sarah liked me. No, loved me as well. How can a guy like me, who's never had real friends, deal with being loved by two people? Who loves me the most? And who do I love the most?'

'Who?'

***

'So, yes, that's why my feet were cold, so to speak.' I admit, before continuing. 'I'd never really felt gay, in the way you've explained it to me, as you know. We've spoken about it often enough.'

I look him in the eye and I see a question form.

It takes him a while to put it into words, but finally it happens, and he whispers audibly.

'Okay, Craig. We've discussed it often enough. I admit it, I fell in love with you the moment I laid eyes on you, but to me the question remains, why and when did you fall in with ME? After all, you had Sarah, and also you don't see yourself as gay, so, why and how did you fall in love with me? How did you realise your love for me was stronger than your love for Sarah, or for any other woman, for that matter?

I'm a little taken aback by this question.

Not because I've never thought about it myself, but because I've actually wondered about it so often.

I remember, back then, after John Paul offered to make himself disappear, to leave Chester, after admitting he was in love with me, that I didn't fully understand why I didn't accept the offer. After all, I didn't reciprocate the feelings, did I? At least, I didn't realise I did. At the same time it took me a long time to realise that I actually followed him out of Hannah's party to find out what was wrong with him, rather than confront what had happened between my girlfriend and her ex.
So when he admitted his feelings, I was stunned, shocked, but, yes, I realised later that I was intrigued.

That I was interested.

'Truthfully, I'm not completely certain. I liked you from the moment we met, but I don't think I was interested in you in a sexual and emotional way until after you'd told me you loved me – after you opened my eyes to it being a possibility. But how and why, I can't say. I mean, you were always very special to me so the why you is kind of obvious, but the how, I guess was gradual, with realising that I didn't want you to be with, not just Spike, but anyone else than me. And little by little I also found out that I couldn't imagine my life without you by my side, as my partner.'

I fall quiet for a moment and look at John Paul. He remains silently expectant, so I gather my thoughts and continue.

'I know I treated you and poor Sarah horribly, but I was just too scared. I knew well enough which one to choose, but fear kept me from making that choice. Until it was all out in the open and I finally could make that choice. When it actually had become an option!'

'Sorry about that.' John Paul whispers sheepishly.

'Don't be, John Paul. That was the best thing you did for me. I mean, it was a bit harsh, I admit, the way you did it.' I look down, giggling at the thought. 'But there was no other way, I guess. You gave me the possibility of happiness. That's quite a gift, you know.'

I raise my head towards him.

He's crying.

And for the first time I appreciate how much he's regretted his actions, outing me and breaking Sarah's heart in the process.

The price of my freedom: Sarah's heartbreak and John Paul's remorse.

I must make him understand my gratitude, my appreciation,

my love.

***

'Nothing's like the first pint, ay?'

John Paul expresses exactly what I was thinking. The beer trickles smoothly down my throat and I feel the tension evaporate from my body. We're sitting in the hotel bar, fresh from showering, enjoying a drink before dinner.

We'd hiked back down the mountain in an amicable silence. I felt him relax after our conversation and I think he has finally started not only to believe in the strength of my feelings for him but also to forgive himself for hurting Sarah. At least I hope he has. He needs to in order to move on with his own feelings.

'So Craig, what's the plan?' He suddenly asks.

'Uh, dinner and a few drinks?' I suggest hesitantly, not fully sure I'm replying to the right question.

I turns out I'm not mistaken – about being hesitant, that is.

'Not tonight, but in general. Life!' He explains. 'What's the plan after we get back home?'

'We continue taking care of Matthew, working, hanging out … together.' I suggest. 'What're you thinking?'

'Yeah, about the same. I'd like to keep hanging out … together.' He adds the last word before quickly continuing. 'Not that we're back together, Craig. I'm not ready for that. Don't know if I ever will. Sorry.' The last word is accompanied by an apologetic shrug.

I'm not. Sorry. What he's just said is music to my ears. I know he's not ready yet. But it's proof that he's at least contemplating it. He just made my night

again.