Sanctuary - Brandy and Tears Part 3
"No I didn't't take the news well." Helen said taking a deep breath at the understatement and looking at John. "I was numb. I couldn't feel anything. I found it hard to go on with life." Helen painfully admitted. Not confessing her real thoughts of ending it all. "In fact I had to put some things on hold" she whispered looking deep into John's eyes knowing he would understand what she was saying. Knowing he had understood as he drew in a sharp breath at her words. "Once it sunk in the fact that John was gone I threw myself into work." she continued losing herself in the past once again….
….. Helen knew her thoughts were drifting. Knew she needed to fight harder to concentrate on what James was saying. But she couldn't seem to find the energy. She felt empty. Everything that was important to her was gone. John… the baby… She drew in a ragged breath. She was not sure how she continued to breath. She went through the motions. The work at the Sanctuary was never done. Now she was here supposedly listening to James prattle on about their latest intake. Helen didn't really care. Nothing would ever fill the hole were her heart used to be. It would be such a relief to end it all. She had access to all kinds of poisons - a little of this, little of that. Knock it back quick like a shot of bandy. And the pain would end. The loneliness of this never ending hell she found herself in would end. It really would be so easy. But every time her thoughts turned to giving up she remembered. She remembered the way the child had moved inside her. Remembered the way it had kicked her giving her every reason to live. One day when it was safe. Oh how she longed to hold her child. John's child. Her empty arms ached. She barley remembered the day James had performed the procedure to remove and freeze the embryo growing inside her because of the sedation. When she finally had come round she felt like she been hollowed out. She sometimes wished she'd never woken back up. Part of her soul had shrivelled when she saw John take that poor women's life. Proof positive that her John and their love was gone forever. And another piece of her soul had been ripped out of her with the removal of their child. How the hell was she supposed to go on from here.
"Helen where are you?" asked James knowing full well where Helen thought's had gone. The emptiness was back in her eyes.
Helen pulled her mind back to the conversation at hand slipping back on the mask she now wore to the world. No one would know her suicidal thoughts - she would show no one how weak she really was. She plastered on a smile for James.
"Why I'm sat right in front of you James Watson. And you call yourself a detective when you can't even detect me sitting right in front of you." She smiled and teased him but none it reached her eyes…
… " Eventually with routine the pain dulled." Helen continued her abbreviated account, still looking into John's eyes. "It never really went away but the were whole hours where I could lose myself in my work and put it from my mind." Helen took a deep breath and glossed over the worst of those hellish agonizing years. "In fact I'd done a pretty good job of convincing myself that I was over John Druitt in the ten years that followed." Helen paused and took another deep breath. "Until she turned up." Helen whispered.
"She who Mom?" Ashley asked glaring at her John. Thinking he'd taken another lover back then to taunt her mother with.
Helen breathed deeply again and looked at her daughter. "She, her , me - Helen Magnus."
Ashley turned back to her mother giving her a look akin to if she head just sprouted two heads. "I'm sorry who?" Ashley asked thinking that maybe her Mom had finally flipped.
"Would you do us another round of brandy's please?" Helen asked John this time. He nodded his head and smoothly rose to his feet. He moved like a panther Ashley realised with a small shiver that this man could easily come up behind you and slit your throat. She pulled her thoughts away from the conundrum of John Druitt and concentrated on her mother again. That they needed more brandy meant this tale was not done - how much worse could it get? Ashley asked herself bleakly.
John had just brought the decanter back with and refilled all their glasses. He handed one to Helen who took it gratefully and then one to Ashley.
"Here you will need this" John said to her. "I'm guessing as you haven't questioned Mom's sanity you know what she's on about?" Ashley asked him.
"Indeed I do" replied John with a dark smile that made Ashley shiver again.
Helen again knocked back the brandy she was holding making her choke again. The burning again helped focus her mind, again giving her the strength to continue.
"I can see how you might think I'm mad Ashley. I certainly thought I was seeing things when she/I walked into the room." Helen looked into the flames as once more she slipped back into the past…