Chapter 14: Human
A/N: This chapter is strong, so I wanted to let my readers know before reading it. The song I used was Love The Way You Lie Part 2, Rihanna Solo. It was difficult to write this chapter, but I hope you all like it. I needed to get this out there, because it'll kind of take a back seat until later on. I think you'll be glad with where I take Sebastian's story. Don't hate me! I love Sebastian, I really do :(
"Sebastian, can you come into my office?" Fucked. Simple as that. I was fucked.
I made my way into my father's office, knocking on the door before entering. My father was staring at the computer, not looking up even when I walked in.
"Yes father?"
"Sit." Something about the way my father always spoke gave off the impression that even though he wasn't yelling, it would be best to obey his orders. After taking a seat, I waited for him to speak again.
"What are you thinking?" He started, taking off his glasses and crossing his arms while leaning back against his chair.
"I-I don't know what you mean father." When it came to my father, I was never able to keep the calm and collected self I usually was.
"Was he your boyfriend?"
"No, he's just a friend." My father slammed down on the table.
"Don't lie to me Sebastian!" I could hear the anger dripping from his words. I hated this. I hated when my father would get angry with me.
"I'm not. I swear, he's jus-"
"Let me guess, just another fuck buddy of yours? You disgust me Sebastian." There they were. The words that always tore me apart. Disgust. You disgust me Sebastian.
"No, he's no-not he's just a friend that I met at Dalton last year."
"Isn't he the boy you almost blinded? What the fuck is he doing with you?" My father scoffed before recomposing himself and leaning back on the chair again.
"He forgave me father, we've been friends for a while now."
"It's one thing for you to go around fucking half the state in that trash pit you call a bar, yet now you have the audacity to bring sluts back to my house?"
"You don't know him, He's not a slut!" As soon as the words came out, I knew what was coming next. My father stood up and slapped me. The slap was hard; this one was with more force that usual. Instinctively, I placed my hand on my face, somehow thinking that covering it would ease the pain.
"Who are you to talk back to me? Is that all your learning at Dalton? Do we need to make another move?" NO. No, not again. Normally I didn't care that my dad would just pack me up and ship me to different schools, but not this time. I couldn't leave. I couldn't leave Blaine. Blaine.
"No father, I apologize for speaking back to you. I assure you, it will never happen again." I looked down at the floor, not wanting to let on how I really felt by looking at his eyes.
"Compose yourself Sebastian. You are a disgrace to the Smythe name. What would your mother think of you? Not that that bitch has any say in anything anymore." Every word was like a punch to the face. I hated this man. I knew he knew what he was doing to me, and the fact that he got pleasure out of seeing me like this was worse.
"Listen to me Sebastian, because I will not repeat myself after today. You will not under any circumstances bring one of your fuck buddies back here. You are an embarrassment Sebastian, what do you think will happen to my image if someone were to find out that you are the town slut? What do you think will happen to my image if someone finds out you're a fucking homo, wasting your time at Scandals? If someone finds out that you are a faggot, you will no longer keep the Smythe name and will no longer be my son."
There they were. The same threats and insults he gave me every time he found an excuse to. Every single word felt as though it was another knife to the chest. I don't know why I was still hurt by his words; I couldn't count the number of times he has given me the same speech. I couldn't count the number of times he had reminded me that my mother didn't want me. I couldn't count the number of times he had called me an embarrassment.
"And as for that Blaine kid, I don't want you seeing him anymore." The words rang in my ears over and over until I was able to make sense of what he was saying. I wasn't allowed to see Blaine. Blaine. The love of my life. I wasn't able to see him anymore.
"But father, please!" If I had kept my calm up till now, then this was the point where I snapped. I couldn't stay away from Blaine. I loved him. I needed him.
"No. As long as you live under my roof, you will not see him." A million different things ran through my mind at once. I could run away, I could runaway with Blaine and live our lives away from this lame town. We could be happy, the two of us. We could run and never look back.
Blaine would never do that. And I wouldn't blame him for not wanting to. We had only been officially dating for about a week. I was being stupid. I couldn't rip Blaine from his life. He was happy. He had friends. He had a family that loved him. I wasn't going to take that from him.
"I'll take anything else, but please father I lo-…I care about him."
"Didn't you say he was just your friend?" I could tell that I had just caught myself in my own lie. "So he is your boyfriend?"
"Y-yes father. I love him." I really needed to learn to stop talking, but just thinking about the despair, the hate, the sadness that would consume me if I couldn't see Blaine was too much for me to bear. If Blaine was ripped out of my life… I didn't want to think about what would happen to me.
"And why did you lie to me?" He asked.
"I was afraid you wouldn't like him father."
"Until you date a girl, I won't accept anyone that you date. Break up with him immediately." My father put his glasses back on and turned to his computer again. This conversation was over.
I was going to fight. I wasn't about to back down so easily, but I knew my father. If it wasn't my life that he was making a living hell, then he would turn his efforts towards Blaine. Blaine didn't deserve that. Blaine deserved the best. Blaine deserved better than me.
I stood up and walked out of his office towards my room. I walked into my room and sat down at my desk, holding my head in my hands. I don't cry. I wasn't about to start. It slipped once, and it wasn't going to happen again.
As if to make matters worse, I felt my phone go off. It was Blaine. What should I do? Should I respond? Should I continue my relationship in secret? Or should I end it with Blaine…No, I couldn't end it with Blaine. I couldn't go back to that place I was in before that night I saw Blaine again months ago. I just couldn't. It wouldn't be hard to keep this a secret from my father. He was never here, maybe a couple days out of the entire month. I could do this. There were only a few months before graduation, and then I could start my life with Blaine somewhere else. I could do this.
Sebastian? –Blaine
Hey Killer. What's up? –Sebastian
If there was one thing I was good at, it was playing something off.
…is this a serious question? –Blaine
Blaine on the other hand…
I'm sorry about earlier. I just wasn't sure how my dad would react to you being my boyfriend. I didn't want to risk getting him upset. –Sebastian
So he doesn't know we're dating? –Blaine
No. I'd rather keep it that way. He isn't as accepting as your mom and dad are. –Sebastian
I didn't want to tell Blaine about what had just gone down. I would keep that to myself, like I did every other bad thing in my life. Blaine deserved only good things, and that was what I planned on providing.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have showed up uninvited. I just thought you would enjoy a surprise breakfast. –Blaine
Don't be sorry Blaine, you did nothing wrong. None of this is your fault, we're fine, I promise. –Sebastian
I thought the reason you didn't tell your dad we were dating was because you were embarrassed about being with me… -Blaine
I need you to promise me that you won't ever think that way again. I'm proud to be with you Blaine. I'm happy that I get to call you my boyfriend. I love you. –Sebastian
I love you too. Sorry, I was being stupid! But anyways, the reason I wanted to talk to you was because Sam and Tina wanted to know if we would be interested in going to New York for the ball drop on New Years? I asked Nick to tell our close friends in the Warblers, and Sam and Tina are asking the ND's. It should be fun! –Blaine
My father always held a New Years party for the elites of Ohio, (I mean, as elite as they could get around here). It was one of the few days of the year that we had to throw on the façade that we were the perfect family. He would leave the next morning without saying a single word.
I don't think I can go B. I would really like to, but my father always throws a New Years party. I can't leave. –Sebastian
Oh, that's okay we don't have to go! –Blaine
No, you should go. I don't want to hold you back from enjoying an awesome experience. –Sebastian
I don't want to go if you don't go. Who am I supposed to kiss at midnight? Hunter? –Blaine
Hunter was going? What the fuck…
You better not… -Sebastian
Who knows, I may be really lonely. But in all seriousness, I didn't want to go anyways. –Blaine
You're going. I will text Santana and make sure she drags your ass with her if she has to, assuming that she's going. –Sebastian
Most of the seniors are. Is there anything I can say to convince you? (doing the puppy dog eyes hardcore right now btw) –Blaine
Almost had me, but I can't. I want you to enjoy your time there. Can you promise me that? –Sebastian
Can't promise you that. Can I see you tonight before we leave? We have a long drive ahead of us. –Blaine
'I want nothing more than to have you here with me.' Is what I wanted to text him. I didn't want to risk him coming over and my father being in the state that I knew he would be in. Whenever he talked about my mother, I knew he was going to start drinking.
I was hoping to lock myself in the room and keep out of his way for the night. Maybe that way, I could avoid his anger and…
You could just say no Seb… –Blaine
Sorry, I went to the bathroom. I don't think that's such a good idea. I have to help my dad set up for the party, so I wouldn't be much fun. –Sebastian
Isn't that what your maid is for…? It's okay. I'll talk to you later. –Blaine
Well this sucks. I thought that excuse would work.
Blaine! Don't do this. –Sebastian
After waiting for a couple minutes, I figured that Blaine wouldn't text me back. I yawned; the night before I didn't get much sleep. It was hard adjusting to not sleeping with Blaine. This should be a red flag; you're getting way too attached Sebastian!
Well, he's my boyfriend of course I'd get attached, right? I was having an argument with myself…You're losing it Sebastian. I went to lie down on my bed, hoping to take a quick nap.
I woke up hours later to a loud knock on the door. I went to open the door only to see my father with his shirt wrinkled and his tie sloppily hanging on his neck. If it wasn't obvious from the smell of his breathe, the empty bottle in his hand was a clear indication that he was drunk.
"Why didn't you answer me?" He asked, his words slurred and his gaze focusing on me.
"Sorry father, I was sleeping."
"Sleeping? Sleeping…at 8pm? Don't lie to me again Sebastian, do you think I'm stupid?" He stepped closer to me, shoving me harshly, causing me to stumble backwards.
"I'm not lying. I don't think you're stupid father, of course not."
"I'm sorry Sebastian. Come here, give me a hug." His arms opened as he waved for me to come over. I knew where this would end. I was used to it. Years of putting up with my fathers abuse didn't lessen the pain or make me numb, as much as I wanted it to. I was trembling; I could feel my hands shaking. Why me? Why did he hate me so much? Why…
"SEBASTIAN!" I flinched when I heard him scream my name, bringing me back from the memories of this old story I knew so. I walked over to him, but didn't wrap my arms around him, knowing better than to do so.
His arms wrapped around me, so tightly that it felt as if my bones would break. I could feel it getting harder for me to breathe, but I wouldn't dare try to move from his embrace.
"See? Why can't we always be like this?" He asked me, whispering into my ear.
"My apologies father, I'll try to change. I'll try to make you proud." I could tell that my voice was shaking. No matter how many times I had been through this, I couldn't help but react as if this was all new. The fear in my eyes, my rapid heartbeat, my shaking body. I felt like a child. Helpless. My father threw me on the floor and started laughing; laughing at the pain he was causing me.
"What are you so afraid of Sebastian? A Smythe should never show inferiority or weakness, you know this." His voice was tender, kind. But I knew it was all an act. I knew that underneath his words lied anger. Rage.
Before I could say anything, he threw the bottle against the wall, causing it to shatter all over me. I tried shielding myself when I heard the loud crack against the wall, only to be lifted by my shirt, and pinning me against the wall. "You know all this could be avoided right? If you just learned how to behave? You think I want to do this to you?" Yes.
"No father." My words were coming out as whispers. I could feel my eyes sting and my vision get blurry, but for no reason was I about to cry in front of him. I knew that would only lead to more thrashing. More pain.
My father was always smart about beating me up. He made sure to kick me, to punch me, to grab me where my skin would be covered by my clothes. He was grabbing me tightly by the arms, and I could feel my hands becoming numb. I couldn't help but wince at the first hit. He was usually more careful, but this time, the punches were directly to my face. He threw me down on the floor again before kicking me in my back, yelling things that I tried blocking out. Was it because I was gay? Was it because he blamed me for the divorce? Was it because he just hated me?
I was curled up in a ball, trying my best to shield myself from his fists and kicks, but I wasn't moving. I could physically feel every single blow to my body, but mentally I was gone. I was in a better place in my head. I was at Blaine's house, lying on his bed with him sleeping in my arms. I was on top of him, tickling him until he told me that he loved me. I was holding his hand, walking into the Lima Bean, proud that people could see that this boy was mine, and I was his.
I lied on the floor for what seemed like forever, fighting the unconsciousness that was threatening taking over me. I felt as if I couldn't control my body; I was standing up but my eyes didn't move. I was empty. I was alone. I was hurt.
I walked over to the bathroom to turn on the shower. When the water was running I went over to the mirror. Who was that? Was that me? I looked into the mirror to see a pathetic face, an eye shut because of the bruising, scrapes and cuts covering my face and lips.
The shower was steaming, it kind of burnt my skin, hot enough to turn my skin pink, but it felt good being able to feel the warmth from something. I didn't even know why I got into the shower in the first place; I was standing in the tub, letting the water run down my body, too afraid to move.
I sat down and curled up into a ball, bringing my knees up to my chest and hiding my face. Life just sucked sometimes, right? This was no big deal…I would get past this. My father was human. He made mistakes. He loved me, right?
I remember Blaine telling me that when was upset, he would sing. Singing alleviated his sadness and his pain. At first, I laughed, thinking that that was probably the stupidest thing I had ever heard. But right now, I was willing to try anything. I remember asking him what to do if I didn't have music, and he smiled telling me to make the music in my head.
And just like Blaine had said, I heard the piano play.
On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you'll always be my hero
Even though you've lost your mind
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie,
Oh, I love the way you lie
Now there's gravel in our voices
Glass is shattered from the fight
In this tug of war you'll always win
Even when I'm right
'Cause you feed me fables from your head
With violent words and empty threats
And it's sick that all these battles
Are what keeps me satisfied
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie,
Oh, I love the way you lie, oh
So maybe I'm a masochist
I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave
'Til the walls are goin' up
In smoke with all our memories
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie
The last thing I thought about before letting the blackness take me was Blaine.
I woke up to Maria yelling my name, shaking me.
"Maria, what's wrong?" I said, realizing that I had fallen asleep in the shower. How long had I been in there?
"Mr. Smythe! Wake up please, please!" I could see tears streaming down Maria's face. Why was she overeacting?
"Maria, I'm fine." Maria helped me as I stood up. The water was off and Maria had placed a towel over me, but I was still wet. The water must have been running all night.
"Did I sleep here all night?" My voice was husky; it sounded as if I was losing my voice. Maria helped me change and brought me to my bed. Why couldn't I move? I felt helpless, not at all how a Smythe should act.
"Yes Mr. Smythe, I was so scared when I walked in to find you in this state? What happened to you?" Maria sounded worried. She had always been so kind to me, even when I was an asshole to her and everyone else. Maria was yelling things in spanish, running back and forth trying to get things together.
"Maria, call me Sebastian. Mr. Smythe is my father." She nodded and smiled at me before resuming whatever it was that she was doing.
Maria left the room after covering me with blankets and laying me down on my bed. I remembered that my father told me that I would not be attending the party that evening, and that I would stay in my room. Good thing too, I didn't want to move for days. I reached over to my phone to see if Blaine had texted me, but nothing. They were probably already on their way to New York, after all they did have an 11 hour drive ahead of them. Maria came back into the room with a thermometer and some medicine as well as a cloth and a bowl with water. Did I really look that bad?
Maria placed the thermometer in my mouth and the cool cloth on my forehead. She shook her head when the thermometer beeped. Apparently I had a fever. She helped me sit up slightly so that I could take the medicine before laying down again. I grabbed my phone so that I could use the camera to see what I looked like, and it turns out I really didn't look like crap. I was pale, (paler than I normally was) and I could see my face beat swollen.
"Maria?"
"Yes?" She asked, taking off the cloth to wet it again.
"Thank you."