Chapter 17: Confessions

We arrived at Sebastian's room to find that Hunter was indeed gone. Sebastian started to change into sweats while I walked to the bathroom. I didn't have to use it, but I needed a minute alone to gather my thoughts and try to calm myself down. I didn't know what I wanted to say to Sebastian.

"Do you want shorts?" Sebastian asked from his room.

"Yeah! Do you want to shower before we watch the movie?" I yelled loud enough for him to hear me.

A second later, Sebastian was in the bathroom with me. Sebastian turned on the water before helping me undress. He kissed my neck, unbuttoning my shirt and ripping it off of me. I brought his lips to mine, this time I was asking him permission for my tongue to explore his mouth. Sebastian took off my pants and lifted me up so I could wrap my legs around him.

Sebastian turned me around and had me against the wall, his nails digging into my back causing me to moan into his mouth. Sebastian pulled my hair, exposing my neck so that he could suck that spot that never failed to send a wave of pleasure throughout my entire body.

I dug my nails into his back, squeezing his ass with my other hand.

"S-Sebastian. Y-you take my breath away." I managed to say in between moans.

"Tell me that you want me Blaine, that you need me. Tell me that you love me." A shiver ran down my spine. Sebastian never told me to tell him that I loved him. I sucked on his ear, pulling it slightly with my teeth before saying everything that Sebastian wanted to hear from me.

We got into the shower, and I decided that this time I would be the one to satisfy Sebastian. I kissed Sebastian, a sloppy and needy kiss, before leaving a trail of kisses from his jaw to his nipple. I sucked his nipple while playing with the other one with my free hand, causing a loud moan to escape his lips.

I got down on my knees and licked his tip, wanting to tease him a little, smiling when I felt his hands run through my hair. Sebastian leaned back, needing support from the wall. I started playing with Sebastian's balls, licking the underside of his cock, grabbing his cock tightly, eliciting a groan out of the taller boy.

"B-Blaine, p-please." It felt empowering being on this side, being the one in control of the moans escaping Sebastian.

"Please what Bas?"

"Please, I need you. Suck i-" Sebastian's threw his head back and gasped, grabbing my hair even tighter. I moved my hand to the rhythm that I was bobbing my head, first at a smooth, even pace, but speeding up when I felt Sebastian buck his hips into me. After a few hard thrusts, I felt Sebastian come inside my mouth. I smiled, hearing the loud moan escape his mouth. I stood up and brought in Sebastian for a kiss.

"I'm guessing it didn't completely suck?" I asked, turning red. That had actually been the first time I had given someone a…a blowjob…Even in my mind I couldn't say that word.

"Are you sure that was your first one?" Sebastian smirked. "That mouth of yours is quite talented; it sings, it kisses, it sucks…" Sebastian said with a wink. Sebastian wrapped his arms around me, placing his head on my shoulder. I sighed; enjoying his warmth and feeling the water run down my body.

"What do you want to watch?" Sebastian said, drying his hair with a towel. He threw that towel at my face, laughing as he walked to his desk to look through his movies.

"I always choose, you decide." Sebastian put in the movie and grabbed a bag of popcorn from his drawer before coming to lie down next to me.

"Rent? I didn't peg you as that kind of guy." I said, opening the bag of popcorn.

"Well, I figured you would like this movie. Unless you want to watch porn?" Sebastian laughed, pretending to get up.

"No, no. You're right."

"Open your mouth." Sebastian had a piece of popcorn in his fingers. He threw the piece, slightly over my head, resulting in me trying to catch it and smash my head yet again. Sebastian busted out laughing.

"I'm so sorry!" Sebastian said in between laughs.

"I've been here twice, and both times I've hit my head on your wall. Your room is bad luck." I said rubbing the back of my head.

Half and hour into the movie and Sebastian was already passed out, his head resting on my chest and his arm around me. I was running my hands through his hair, smiling at how peaceful he seemed when he slept. I could feel a little wet spot forming on my chest. Sebastian was drooling! If I didn't love him so much, I definitely would have taken a picture of him to have as blackmail.

I could feel myself nodding off, when I heard Sebastian mumbling. Out of nowhere, Sebastian's whole body tensed and he shot up to a sitting position. Sebastian looked pale, his eyes wide as if he had just seen a ghost. Sebastian was breathing heavily and was shaking; he brought his knees up to his chest and hugged his legs.

"Sebastian? What's wrong? Talk to me, please? What happened?" I kneeled in front of Sebastian, sitting on my legs and grabbing his face with both hands so that he could look at me. Sebastian's gaze wouldn't look up, but I could feel his body tremble; his skin was clammy and his eyes were dark.

"Sebastian. Breathe, look at me. Bas, please, look at me." Sebastian looked at me, but his eyes seemed to pierce through me and look beyond me.

Sebastian had never cried in front of me. I had thought on the occasion that his eyes were red that perhaps he had been crying, but he never broke down in front of me. Sebastian looked broken; his sobs were uncontrollable as he was shaking and breathing as if he his lungs had collapsed. I laid down next him, bringing his head into my chest, holding him close to me. I was rubbing his back, trying my best to soothe him, begging him to breathe and to calm down, promising him that everything would be okay. Sebastian was lying there, his body not reacting to anything that I was saying. His body felt limp next to me, curled up into a ball.

Sebastian had been crying for an hour. He was still shaking and breathing heavily, not listening to anything I was saying. I was starting to get worried, scared that Sebastian wouldn't get out of this state.

I held him close for an unknown amount of time before he stopped crying and sat on the edge of the bed, his shoulder slumped forward. I moved so that I could sit on the edge of the bed with him, rubbing his back. He had his head in his hands, sitting there in silence for a couple of minutes before he finally spoke.

"I'm so sorry." Sebastian whispered.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. You need to talk to me Bas, what's wrong?"

"It's nothing, I just had a nightmare."

"Sebastian. A nightmare wouldn't do that to you. I want to give you space, but it hurts me to see you like. Can you trust me? Can you please talk to me?"

"I-I…I can't"

"Why not? I'm here for you. I'll never judge you, I'll never leave you." Sebastian raised his head before grabbing my hand and closing his eyes.

"My…my, uh, father…he….he hates me." Sebastian seemed as if he would break down any second.

"I'm sure he doesn't. Is this because you…because you're gay? I know how you feel Sebastian, my parents weren't accepting of me either at first, but your dad will come to accept you and love you for who you are." Sebastian laughed.

"Really?" He scoffed. "So you've been told that you're disgusting? That you are an embarrassment to the family name? That you're a disgrace as a son, and that the reason your parents are divorced is because your mom doesn't love you. That it's you who tore the family apart? Have you been told that you're nothing but the town slut? That you're a faggot? Do you know what it's like to be told that the essence of who you are is bad for fathers image, and that you should stay in the closet to prevent ridiculing your father? As if it weren't hard enough to be gay and worry about what other people throw your way, you also have to make sure not to stain daddy's perfect image." By this point, Sebastian was yelling, the tears streaming down his face. "Do you know what it's like to move every single year, not being able to make friends or any one to care for you? Do you know what it's like for the one person that should love you, hate you, and blame every bad thing that has ever happened to him on you? Does your dad drink to the point where he becomes a monster and beats you up until you lose consciousness? Until you feel like every bone in your body is broken and you lose all will to live? Until you lose all hope in humanity, and wish more than anything you had never been born?" Sebastian was crying so hard that it was almost impossible to make out his words, but each of his words felt like a knife in my chest.

"Do you know what it's like to have a father that wants to see you so miserable that he takes away anything and everything you love? You know what he told me the day he saw you? That you were just some slut. That we needed to break up immediately, and that I was never allowed to see you ever again. I never talked back to my father, I would never dare raise my voice at him...until that day. He could beat me, he could insult me, he could hate me as much as he wanted. But not you. I wasn't going to sit there and let him insult you. No. Not you.…I was not willing to lose you. Not you. Never. I can't. I can't lose you Blaine." Sebastian looked drained, as if his confession had just completely destroyed his entire soul; his entire being. "But in the end, he's right. Love made me weak."

For the first time in my life, I was at a complete loss for words. What could I say to make Sebastian feel better? What could I say to possibly ease some of the pain, some of the torment that was eating away at Sebastian's soul…How long had Sebastian been suffering alone? How long had Sebastian screamed in silence, hoping that someone would hear him?

"Sebastian…"

"No, no. I don't need your pity Blaine. This is why I never wanted to tell anyone. I'm a Smythe. I'm not inferior. I'm not weak. I'm a Smythe."

"Sebastian, please. Listen to me. I'm not pitying you. I'm not. But I need you to know that I love you. I love you more than you will ever know, and it kills me to see you like this. Why didn't you tell me this before? No one deserves to go through some like this alone. Yes, you're a Smythe. But you're human. No one should suffer like you've suffered. Admitting that you need help doesn't make you weak. It doesn't make you any less of a man."

"I'm okay Blaine. I promise. I'll be fine."

"No. You're not. Tell me what I can do to help you. Sebastian, can we go talk to someone about this? Someone who would better help you? I can go with you, I'll be there every step of the way. There is nothing I want more than to find the words to make you happy…to make you understand how much I love you. But I can't. I want you to get the help you need; to talk to someone who will help you surpass this."

"No. I don't need anyone's help Blaine. You've done enough for me already. You saved me." Sebastian grabbed my hand. "Before you came into my life, I was in the worst place I had ever been. My life was just a constant cycle of drinking to forget my life and having sex with random guys, hoping to feel something, anything other than hatred. But look where I am now. I only drink socially, and I'm happy in a relationship with the love of my life." Sebastian leaned in and pressed his lips against mine.

"I love you Sebastian. I love you more than anything in this world."

"Blaine, I don't think you understand. My life was a world full of darkness. Growing up, the only thing I knew was hate. I didn't know what it meant to love, until I met you. I will never be able to adequately express to you just how much you mean to me."

I couldn't stop the tears that were streaming down my face. How was it possible to feel so in love…so connected to one person? I knew at that moment that Sebastian was my soul mate; Sebastian was my other half. I pulled Sebastian in for a hug, a hug that could last forever and I would be content.

Everything that Sebastian had ever done made sense. Sebastian didn't know what it meant to love another person, let alone himself. So he resorted to expressing himself the only way he knew how. The drinking, the random hook ups, the walls that blocked anyone from getting close enough to hurt him; they were mechanisms of coping with his fathers abuse.

"I won't push anything, but I really want you to talk to someone Sebastian. I want you to be happy, but you won't be until you talk to someone who can help you."

"I don't need to talk to anyone though. You're the only one I need Blaine." I decided not to push the subject any further, at least not tonight.

"I know he's your father Sebastian, but what he's done to you isn't right. He deserves to be in jail."

Sebastian let go of my hands. "No! Absolutely not. I can't do that to him."

"Why not? All he's done is hurt you! I don't understand how he's gotten away with beating you so long."

"Blaine, he's my father. He was smart about it. He usually only hit me in areas where my body would be covered so that no one would get suspicious. He just happened to really lose control the day before New Years, which is why he hit me in the face."

"This was happening when I was New Years when I was in New York? Sebastian…I'm so sorry! If only I would have known, I would have come back. Was the fight that you got in with some kid a cover up for your dad?" Sebastian nodded his head.

"You can't live in a situation like that anymore Sebastian, it isn't good for you."

"It's fine. He's only here a few days at most during the month. I barely ever see him. Besides, I live at school anyways."

"Yeah, but what about weekends? What about holidays?" I suddenly got an idea. "I know this would make it a little more difficult for you, but what if you move in with me? My parents love you, and I'm sure they will understand. That way, you'll be around people who love you, and we can spend more time together."

"I could never ask that of your family. That's too much. Blaine, I've been alone for 18 years. I'm used to this life. I'll be okay."

"I don't care. It's not a life anyone should live. I'm going to be honest, yes I want to help you leave that house as soon as possible, but it's also an excuse for us to spend every possible moment together."

"I don't know…"

"Fine. We'll drop it for now, but I need you to promise me one thing." Sebastian nodded. "If you ever feel sad, or if you ever want to talk about something, please don't avoid me like you did the past few weeks. I want you to come to me with absolutely everything; the good and the bad. Promise me that?"

"I promise." Sebastian said, bringing his gaze from the floor to my eyes.

"What do you say we get back to sleep? I'll hold you all night, and if you have a nightmare, know that I'll be right here to help you."

"I don't know what I ever did to deserve you Blaine." I leaned over to kiss Sebastian before we got under the covers. I wrapped my arms around him, his back to my chest, and nestled my head in his neck. Sebastian intertwined his fingers with mine.

"You know I never believed in God? Not until I met you." Sebastian said.

"Why is that?"

"I didn't believe that God would allow everything that I've been through in my life. But then I met you; a ray of light in my world of darkness." Sebastian brought up my hand so that he could kiss them. "Then I thought, someone must be up there looking down on me if he sent me an angel to save me. An angel named Blaine." I kissed the back of Sebastian's head.

Love. This was it. I was 100% sure. They say that you've seen the face of God when you've known love. If that's true, then I was staring directly into the face of God right at that moment..