Chapter 4

'My mother thinks I should talk to this therapist from the hospital. I'm not so sure.'

'I start chemo next week.'

'I'm afraid and I can't tell anyone because they'd all coddle me and that's not what I want.'

Adam stared at the texts in his drafts box. He just couldn't send them. What if he did send them and Tommy had already forgotten him? He couldn't handle that embarrassment. It's only been two weeks but he still hadn't worked out exactly why he felt so compelled to reach out to a man that on any other day he would have crossed the road to avoid. He knew that they seemed to hit it off and connect on a level that usually only happened when you knew someone for ages. It made him feel less...hollow.

Adam pocketed his phone and stood when his name was called. He didn't know why he agreed to talk to a therapist but everyone is telling him it will help. When he walked in the door he was expecting and old man in a sweater vest, not a small woman that couldn't be any older than he was.

When he came out of Dr. McKay's office he didn't know what to think. She seemed intelligent and well meaning, if not scatter brained. But how was she supposed to help him? He was her third patient ever. What does she know about counseling someone who was dying. Or at least had a good chance of dying.

Death. Dying. Those words danced around in Adam's head for so long they lost their meaning. He didn't feel like he was dying. Sure his back hurt him constantly and sometimes even with his pain meds he'd be up at night tossing and turning trying to ease the ache. But dying? Him? Surely not. He was a reasonably healthy 27 year old. Kyle was right. He will beat this. Right?

Adam stared out the window as he rode the bus back towards his house. Tomorrow he had his first round of chemo. He had read up about the side effects and it was easy to say he wasn't looking forward purposely poisoning his body.

Thoughts of the vomiting, a suppressed immune system, and hair loss floated in Adam's brain as he stepped off the bus and walked the few block back to his house. The last thing he expected when he got home was to find Rachel there... with a dog. A greyhound at that. One of the highest maintenance dogs you can find. He looked at the goofy looking little guy and couldn't bear to make Rachel take him back.

'Rachel got me a dog. His name is Skeletor. He's a Greyhound. What was she thinking?' Adam saved the message in his drafts and pocketed his phone. He ended up going with Rachel to buy things for the dog. It was nice. Rachel was lovely and she seemed genuinely excited about the dog.

He held Skeletor's leash as they walked through the pet store picking out this and that. He smiled as Rachel bent down and fed the dog a treat and kissed him on the head. She turned and smiled up at him and he remembered what he liked so much about her.

He slept with his arms around her that night, Skeletor laying across the end of the bed, and it felt nice. He slept better than he had in weeks.

"You made me breakfast?" He asked surprised.

"Yeah, it's a new recipe. Lentil loaf."

He had to have miss heard her. But sure enough a bean filled vegan abomination was placed on his plate. He didn't have the heart to turn it down so he ate two slices.

They made small talk on the way to the hospital, but Rachel seemed nervous. Hell he was nervous. But she was going to be there right?

Apparently not. He let her weasel out of sitting with him through the 4 hour procedure. 'Not wanting to mix energies my ass.' He thought. At least the guys he was sitting with were cool. And those pot macaroons were awesome.

His world was cloudy as he floated out to Rachel's waiting car.

"Are you high?" She asked when he got in.

"Yeah. The guys getting chemo with me said it'd help with the nausea." He smiled looking out at the sky. Had it been that blue when he went in? "Mitch and Alan are awesome."

"I can't believe you! How could you do drugs in a hospital of all places?!" Rachel was angry but he really couldn't care less. He was riding the waves, rocking back and forth, or maybe that was the car. Who really cares? Adam sure as hell didn't.

"This stuff is awesome. We need to buy some."

Rachel stopped mid tirade and turned to look at him. Her eyes flashing angrily. "You are unbelievable." She didn't talk to him the rest of the evening and that night she shifted herself as far to her side of the bed as she could.

Hours later he woke in a fevered sweat. His stomach rolled and he rushed from the bed barely making it to the toilet before his stomach emptied itself. He thought he heard Rachel ask if he was alright but the heaving in his body wouldn't stop long enough for him to speak. Before long his chest was burning and the pain in his spine was like a burning knife.

When his body finally stopped rebelling he pulled himself up off the floor and rinsed his mouth before taking some of the meds they have given him for the nausea. He found Rachel asleep in bed. He grabbed his phone off the charger and laid down on the couch. His whole body hurt and there was no way he was getting back to sleep now, so he staid up watching late night infomercials.

'Had my first chemo today. It's horrible. How am I supposed to do this once a week for 4 months? I feel worse than I did before.' His finger hovered over the send button before he sent it to his drafts.

Tommy turned the keys over in his hand. He had borrowed Colt's truck. He was supposed to go visit his brother and his family today. The early morning light was shining through the windows of his apartment. He hadn't slept well the night before. His dreams were filled with the battle field, he had woke almost every hour and checked his phone. He just knew something was wrong. It was probably his anxiety like the therapist had said. He shrugged his bag over his shoulder and headed out the door. He had a four hour drive ahead of him and he'd better get started as soon as possible.

As soon as he was on the freeway he set the cruise control and settled in. He didn't mean to let his thoughts drift the Adam but they did.

"Yeah, I've been seeing this girl, Rachel, for like 7 months. She's so hot but she's vegan. I mean I am getting so sick and tired of brownies with apple sauce instead of eggs. Sometimes I just want some crispy fucking bacon. Is that too much to ask?" Adam was slurring a bit as he sipped at the ungodly concoction they had made out of the tiny bottle in the mini bar.

"Well I have to stick to a high protein diet. Lots of chicken and broccoli." Tommy said with a grimace.

"Bet your gassy as hell man!" Adam damn near cackled as he fell to his side across the cheap hotel room bed.

"You've got no idea. Sometimes I'd nearly kill for a hamburger. The biggest juiciest hamburger. I mean food in the military was better than what I eat during training season." Tommy took another pull from his drink, feeling pleasantly buzzed.

"Wait wait wait. First; you were in the military? OK so I can't say I'm surprised.. look at you. But secondly you have a training season?"

"Well I train all year. But when it gets close to a fight I really have to get strict. And most of my fights are usually in the fall. I like it that way. I could have more through the year but it's my choice."

"Ah." Adams looked suddenly seemed sullen. "I don't love her." He whispered. "And now.. she's going to stay with me because I have cancer and eventually leave because she can't handle it."

"If you don't love her why are you with her?"

Adam looked thoughtful for a while before he answered "I don't know. I'm scared of being alone? I mean I have my best friend Kyle. Oh and he hates Rachel. Absolutely hates her. But I just.. can't let her go."

"I get it. My old man. He's an alcoholic. He tries to be sober. He'll make it for a few months. And one time he was sober for almost 3 years. I don't want to push him out of my life because I want him there, but I need him to either be sober or gone." Tommy glared down at the drink in his hand.

"Well at least your dad will remember who you are in 5 years. Mine has Alzheimer. I doubt he'll know his own family before too long." Adam sat up on the bed and handed Tommy his glass. "Another please?"

Tommy only nodded and did what was asked.

Tommy stopped at a gas station a few miles outside of Philly and got himself a water. As he filled up his tank he checked his phone again. Still nothing. He found himself wishing he had taken down Adam's number. But what good would that have done him if Adam didn't want to talk to him?

Tommy climbed back in the truck and pulled back on the road. About half an hour later he was pulling up outside Brendan's ranch style house. Just as he turned off the ignition and opened the door, two little girls came running out the front door calling his name.

Tommy couldn't stop the smile that spread on his face when he got down on one knee to only be tackled to the ground while being hugged violently by two toe headed girls.

"Uncle Tommy! Your going to play with us right?" Emily cried.

"Yes! Play with us! We can be princesses!" Rosie was pulling his arm as he tried to get up.

"OK girls give me a minute alright? Now who's going to go get your dad for me?" Tommy asked and both girls took off running back to the house. He had a feeling he was going to enjoy these two days. Who could be upset with those two running around? He grabbed his bag and walked across the lawn.