Chapter 24: Two Steps Back
A/N: Just a heads up that it's another strong chapter. I don't want you guys to hate me, because I've given Sebastian pretty much the crappiest life ever, but keep faith in me and keep reading. It'll get better. I promise!
"Blaine. Talk to me." Since the words had left my mouth, Blaine hadn't said a thing. He just sat there staring at one spot on the floor, not moving an inch. If it wasn't for the slight moving from his breathing, I would have been worried that he was dead.
"What does this mean Sebastian?" He said in barely a whisper. I don't know. I didn't know what this meant. What could we do? Nothing. It was over. It was done.
"I…I don't know."
"You're 18 Sebastian, you're an adult. You're free to do whatever you want. You don't need your dad's money… You're smart enough to get a full scholarship. Come with me to New York. We can work this out together. You can't just…you can't just leave me." Blaine's words were coated with hurt. I knew this would crush him. I knew this would break his heart.
"Blaine, you don't understand how my family works. Whatever he says, I obey. Simple as that. There's nothing left for me to do." Please don't look at me like that Blaine, you're killing me.
"Sebastian. Please. Don't give up just like that." What was I supposed to do? Blaine didn't understand how we worked. My father would dictate my entire life. That's just how it would have to be. I wasn't giving up. I was accepting reality. "When did he tell you this?"
"Today. Maria told me yesterday that my father would be coming in today, which is why I lied to you and said that I was going with Hunter to Columbus. It was an excuse so that you wouldn't come over. I knew I couldn't go to the performance if my father was here, but as soon as he told me that I would be leaving at the end of the school year, he left again. He came just as quickly as he left, which is why I was able to make it to your show."
Blaine was being strong; he didn't cry, his voice didn't crack...he just sat there taking everything in. I wanted to hold him. To Comfort him. To make his pain go away. But I knew that doing that would only deepen his suffering. It was my fault he was like this.
"Blaine. If there were anything I could do, I would do it. You don't think I didn't cry from the second he told me until I arrived at McKinley to see you perform? You don't think this is killing me?"
"No. You can't give up Sebastian. That's not you… you've never given up on something. That's how we got to where we are now. And now that we face one obstacle, you throw the towel in?"
What could I say to Blaine to make him feel better? What could I do? I was useless. There's nothing I could offer Blaine now. I knew that the only way to get Blaine to accept the inevitable was if he hated me. I would have to bring out the old Sebastian; the Sebastian that could say and do things that would destroy Blaine. I would sacrifice my happiness in hopes that Blaine could one day find his again. It's the least I could do after taking his away.
"Blaine. I…I think you should go."
"Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Are you breaking up with me?" Blaine's voice was trembling, his whole body shaking.
"What's the point Blaine? We can't be together. We're only prolonging us breaking up. I've taken up enough of your time, it's time you move on and find someone else." My eyes were deceiving me. No matter how hard I tried, I could feel my eyes sting. No. Not now. I couldn't cry in front of him. I needed him to hate me. I would have the rest of my life to regret this moment. The rest of my life to cry. But not now. Not when he was still here.
"This can't be happening. Please tell me you aren't serious." He said grabbing my hand. It broke my heart to see him like this. It tore me apart. I could feel the light Blaine had brought back to my soul fading. I could feel Blaine slipping out of my fingertips.
"We're done Blaine. I'm breaking up with you. " I said letting go of his hand.
"How could you do this? How can you just throw everything we've shared…everything we've been through out the window? Doesn't this hurt you Sebastian? Didn't I mean anything to you?" Blaine stood up, looking directly at me. I'm glad he didn't realize just how much this hurt. How much this was killing me. Blaine looked at me; his eyes were angry and his tone furious.
"I should apologize actually. I shouldn't have wasted your time. I knew from the beginning that this relationship would end badly. It's my fate, Blaine. I can't be happy. Not with my father. It's impossible. But you…you're loved by everyone. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. I have no doubt in my mind that you will succeed. You will find true love…you'll find someone who will be able to give you everything I can't. I'm not what's best for you. I shouldn't have-"
"Shut up! Shut up Sebastian. Don't tell me what's best for me. I know what's best for me. Not you. I thought…I thought we would…that maybe, just maybe we could be together…" Blaine didn't finish his sentence, but I knew all too well exactly what he was trying to say. Together. Forever.
This was it. It was now or never. "God, why are you overreacting Blaine? Toughen up man. I'm breaking up with you. Move on. I mean seriously, let's be honest, relationships aren't for me. I don't even know what got into me when I asked you out. I was being an idiot. And you…you Blaine, were stupid for thinking that I had changed." I said standing up and crossing my arms, a fake smirk on my lips.
Until now, Blaine didn't spill a single tear, but now tears were streaming down his face. It was working. "I know what you're doing Sebastian. This is just a defense mechanism. You think that you'll be able to push me away by saying these things to me. But I won't leave that easily. I won't just let you go. I know you. I know how you are. We can get past this Sebastian, together." Just kidding, guess it wasn't working.
He grabbed my arms and was bringing me in for a hug, but I pushed him off and laughed.
"You're kidding me right? Who do you think you are Blaine? You're lucky you have a nice ass and can shake your hips or else I wouldn't have stuck around this long. You should have known that you were just another slut for me to toy with. If you knew me you would know that the only reason I made you my boyfriend was for convenience. You know nothing about me Blaine. My dad was right about you."
I knew I had succeeded in making Blaine hate me when he slapped me. Second slap of the day. The sting felt good; it took my mind off of the other pain I was feeling. Blaine's demeanor changed from being upset to being angry.
"I know you're upset right now Sebastian but you have no right to talk to me like that. You can't just treat me like some random guy who meant nothing to you. You can't lie to me Sebastian, you can't pretend that you don't love me."
"You're pathetic. You're a nobody Blaine. I'm not pretending I don't love you. I pretended that I did love you. Like I said, I did whatever would make it easier for me to fuck you. I can't deny that you did feel amazing under me though. How about this; if you're ever lonely and want a quick screw, you can call me up?"
Blaine was angry but it was clear from his eyes that he was hurt. I had gotten fairly good at being able to read Blaine over these past months. It seemed as if my words had finally sunk in.
"Why are you doing this to me? What did I do to deserve this Sebastian?"
"Don't say that killer. I take back what I said. Let's stay together until I leave. I feel bad for you to be honest. Although, I think I have a new found respect for Kurt. Not sure how he put up with you." I hope the smile on my face wasn't coming across as fake as I felt it was. I felt as if my lips were trembling. I couldn't keep this act up for much longer.
Blaine was bawling his eyes by this point, anger written all over his face. "I hate you Sebastian." He said in between gritted teeth.
I was hoping that hearing those words would put me at ease, but they only served to further deepen my wounds. It felt as if salt was being poured on an open wound. Each word that I had said to him was a new knife entering my chest. Each word that I had said to him was a new cloud of darkness that covered my sun.
"I should thank you. I was stupid for thinking you could never change. My friends were all right about you Sebastian. You just destroyed the one person who never lost faith in you…the one person who loved you…"
I lifted up my arm, shooing him away with my hand. I knew I was about to crack, and I didn't want Blaine here to see it.
Blaine's eyes suddenly grew wide, worry written all over his face. Why did he suddenly change?
"Sebastian…what is that?" He said staring at me. What was he talking about? Blaine took a step forward, grabbing my arm gently and lifting up my sleeve. FUCK. "Sebastian…"
I ripped my arm away from him and pushed him away, covering my wrist with my hand.
"You should go." I said looking away from him.
"No. What…why are you doing that to yourself?"
"It's none of your business. Can you leave, please?" I could feel my barriers failing. I knew I was about to break.
"I'm not leaving until you tell me why you would do that to yourself." He said, his voice soft and caring.
"I don't need to explain anything to you Blaine. It's my body. I do what I want." Blaine looked distraught as he tried to grab my hand.
"Why would you lie to me Sebastian?" My father asked as he walked behind me and placed a hand on my shoulder.
"I'm sorry father. I-I didn't want to lie to you, i-it's just tha-"
"Shut up!" He said smacking the side of my head causing me to wince in pain. "Don't you ever lie to me again!"
"I won-" I started.
"Did I say you could speak?" He said grabbing me by my collar and pushing me harshly against the back of the chair. "This is what we're going to do. Immediately upon graduation you will be leaving to London."
"London?" Of all the places, why would he send me to London?
"Yes. You'll be attending school there. You won't be coming back until you've graduate, and hopefully by then you'll be worthy of being called me son." I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me. London. He was sending me away. He was forcing me to do the one thing that would separate me from Blaine.
"Father, please. Don't make me leave, I promise I'll break up with him. I want to go to school here. I want to move to New York."
"You think you deserve a second chance? After what you did to me? No. You will break up with that boy immediately, and you will be allowed access to only some of the money that your grandparents left for you. I wish you lived here so that I could kick you out. You should feel lucky that Dalton provides a room for you."
"Plea-" A slap to the face.
"Smythe's don't plead Sebastian. When will you learn?" He said rubbing his temple and shaking his head. Everything that happened after that was a blur.
Surprisingly, the pain of the beating wasn't as bad as when he normally beat me. The idea of having to leave Blaine was overruling any other thought or pain I felt. It was as if I was numb; my bruises and scratches seemed as if they didn't exist. I couldn't do this. What was the point of living if Blaine wasn't in my life?
I didn't know what I was doing. It felt as if I was going back and forth between reality and unconsciousness. My fist hurt from the punch to the mirror, and I had a cut from a piece of glass that fell on my foot. I didn't even know how I managed to get this razor, or let a lone where it came from. It was as if God was sending me a message; as if he had placed the razor there for me, telling me that using it would be the easiest way to escape my pain.
Surprisingly, it didn't hurt that much. I kept cutting more lines of red, hoping that maybe another cut would make me feel something. Make me feel alive. The blood was beautiful; a dark shade of red. I slumped up against the wall and fell to the floor as more and more drops of blood were spilling from my cuts, a pool forming beneath me.
I sat there, hugging my knees waiting for something to happen. Not sure what, but I needed something to make me realize that I wasn't dead…I was still alive. Something to make me continue on with my life. And then I remembered. Blaine would kill me if I didn't show up to his play. I couldn't let Blaine down! What would he do if he saw me like this? The thought of Blaine brought me happiness, but at the same time it brought with it a whole new pool of pain. As if I wasn't already drowning.
I could feel a single tear roll down my cheek. I felt as if I wasn't in control of my body, sort of like an out of body experience. Blaine's arms were wrapped around me, saying something that I couldn't really make out. I wasn't sure when I went down, but when I came back to the present I was on my knees, shaking from the memory that would haunt me forever.
"Sebastian. Why? Why are you cutting yourself?" Blaine said holding my wrist. He placed a gentle kiss on my cuts, before bringing his hand up to my cheek to rub it.
"I-…I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know? Talk to me, when did you do this?"
"When my father told me that I would be leaving. Leaving you." I whispered. Blaine hugged me again, crying again, this time harder than before. Don't cry. Not for me.
"Why would you do that to yourself? Sebastian, I love you. This doesn't just hurt you, it hurts me. How do you think it makes me feel seeing you like this with cuts on your wrist?"
"What do you mean why would I do it? Because, Blaine, the thought of leaving you was too much for me to handle. But we're over now. You shouldn't care what I do anymore." Even in my haze, I still remembered what the purpose of the fight that we had been. We were over. We weren't together anymore.
"No, I know you didn't mean what you said. You were just trying to protect me Sebastian. I know you better than to believe those words you said to me."
"You need to leave." I said standing up. "I want to be alone."
"I don't care. I'm not leaving you. I can't leave you like this. You need me Sebastian."
"I don't need anyone. I've lasted 18 years living like this Blaine, I'm sure I'll survive another night." I needed to be alone. I couldn't have Blaine there with me. I knew that if Blaine stayed any longer, I would go back to him and beg him for his forgiveness, just so that we could break up again 4 months from now.
"Can I stay on your couch? I really don't want to leave you Sebastian, not like this. We should talk about this tomorrow. Don't worry about anything you said to me. I forgive you, okay? I love you more than anything."
"No." I reached into my pocket to pull out some money and I handed it to him.
"What the hell is this for?" He asked confusion all over his face.
"I'll call you a cab. Feel free to do whatever you want while you wait." Blaine didn't say anything; he simply looked at the money. I threw the cash on the couch and walked by him making my way upstairs.
Half an hour later and I heard the door downstairs being shut. I was drained from all the events of the day. Blaine was gone forever. Before I let that idea hit me, I let myself fall asleep, wishing more than anything that I wouldn't wake up.