Chapter 25: Square One
A/N: Shout out to DREAMSandLOVE for entertaining me with your reviews :) Thank you for supporting me and being so passionate! Please don't hate me, I promise, it'll be better. A few more bumps but don't lose faith in me! My stories will end with happy endings. Well, maybe.
Three weeks. Three weeks since Sebastian last answered my text. Three weeks since I last saw him. Three weeks since he tore me apart with every word. As much as I tried to deny it, I knew I still loved him, and I knew that he loved me too. Why was he so stubborn?
Every time I thought about Sebastian, I couldn't help but think about the scars on his wrist. It was as if the image was burned into my mind. I wanted to help him, but I'm stuck. What can you do to help someone who refuses and doesn't want to help themselves?
Sebastian. Will you please just pick up your phone? –Blaine
I hope you realize that you have iMessage on. I can see that you've ready every single one of my texts. –Blaine
I miss you. –Blaine
"Bro…" Sam said, waving his hand in front of my face. I had completely forgotten that I was at the Lima Bean with Sam and Britt. This wasn't the first time I had completely submerged myself in thinking about Sebastian; for the last three weeks I was so out of it. I couldn't focus. I couldn't eat. I could barely pay attention in rehearsals. I just wasn't motivated to do anything.
"Sorry. What were we talking about?" I said, realizing that the two blondes were staring directly at me. I took a sip from my coffee, brushing their gazes off my shoulder.
"I thought you liked medium drip?" Sam asked. I would do anything to remind me of Sebastian, even if it meant drinking his favorite drink, a caramel latte, which was way too sweet for my liking. I was being stupid, that much I knew.
"I do. Can't I try different things?" I knew I had an attitude, but the questions they asked me seemed so trivial.
"You don't like things that are too sweet though…"
"Well, it's Sebas-" I started before turning my gaze away. I had tried my best to not bring him up in conversation. I could feel everyone around me being annoyed by my constant comments on Sebastian. Besides, all talking about Sebastian managed to do was flood me with the last memories I had with him. "I just wanted to try it Sam…"
"Don't you think it's time you got over him Blaine?"
"Sam. Shut up." Britt said smacking his arm. "They had something special. He can't just forget about it just like that." Surprisingly, Brittany was my main support throughout this whole break up. She would sit with me and take everything in when I would spill by guts, holding my hand and never judging me.
"All I'm saying is that you need to get out there." Sam looked around, before nodding his head and pointing to someone adding sugar to their coffee. "What about him? He seems nice."
I turned around to look but shook my head. "You can't just assume someone's gay Sam." Sam shrugged his shoulders as he took a sip of his coffee. His intentions were sweet, but horribly misguided. "Thank you." I said smiling at him, hoping that he understood that I was grateful he was trying to help.
"Well, we should get going." He said standing up. "Are you sure you don't want to catch the movie with us?" He said grabbing my shoulder.
"No, it's okay, I'll only bring you guys down."
"If you say so. Ready to go Britt?" Sam asked.
Brittany looked at me, clearly worried about leaving me. When did I get to the point where my friends were worried about my sanity? I wasn't that bad…
"Go Britt. Have fun! Make sure to tell me all about it when it's over!" I said putting on a fake smile.
I wasn't sure why I spent so much time in the Lima Bean. I mean, I had always loved being here, but lately I've been coming here everyday, probably in my attempt to casually bump into Sebastian. So far, it hadn't been successful; Sebastian probably knew that I would be here.
"Mind if I sit down?" I jumped slightly coming out of my train of thought, startled at hearing someone talk to me. I looked up to see Hunter standing there, surprisingly not in his uniform. Nick and Jeff came over after Hunter had taken his seat.
"Hey Blaine!" Nick said ruffling my hair, not that it would do anything with the amount of gel I always had on.
"Hey guys!" I said as happy as I could manage to sound.
"Guys, don't you have some dance moves you should be rehearsing or something?" Hunter said giving them a look. Nick and Jeff looked at each other before rolling their eyes. Looks like Hunter was still the dictator he had always been.
"I guess this is where we say goodbye." Jeff said standing up before bumping my fist.
"See you later Blaine. Stop by Dalton soon." Nick said patting my back.
"I'll try. Bye guys. It was nice seeing you." I said waving to them as they walked away. "You could have been more subtle." I said shaking my head at Hunter.
"Not my thing." He said winking at me. It hit me that I hadn't seen Hunter since before Sebastian broke up with me.
"So, how have you been?" I didn't really care to be honest. Sure, Hunter was a nice enough guy, but I knew what he was here for.
"I've been alright. I would ask you, but I think I already know the answer." Hunter said crossing his legs and reclining on his chair.
"Thanks." I said rolling my eyes.
"How has he been, assuming that you've seen him?" Hunter's question took my by surprise. Why would he be asking me? Wasn't he his roommate?
"What do you mean? You haven't seen him?" I could feel my heart beat quicken. No. No, Sebastian couldn't be…
"Not enough to know. He's only been present in one of the Warbler practice and Thad and Trent say he hasn't been showing up to classes. When I do see him, it's when I walk into the room and he has someone under him screaming his name." Hunter nervously smiled, probably realizing that he had just said that allowed. I took a deep breath, half expecting to hear that, half hoping Sebastian wouldn't do that to me. "He only comes back to sleep, but doesn't even look at me let alone talk to me. Just once, but…" Hunter trailed off. What was he hiding from me…I was hoping that Hunter was kidding, or at least exaggerating the truth. It did hurt when he said that he was having sex with people, but it shouldn't bother me anymore. We weren't together. It shouldn't affect me. Right?
"I…I haven't spoken to him or seen him. Where is he staying if he's not sleeping in your dorm?"
"Like I said, he hasn't said anything to me." I couldn't help but feel worried. Should I show up at his place? No. Why would I go there only to be rejected? I could easily just text him if I wanted to be rejected, and I could do that from the comfort of my own home.
"Whatever." I mumbled under my breath. "I don't care anymore."
"I hope I'm not crossing a line here Blaine, but you're not kidding anyone. You're depressing tweets? Totally tacky." If I were a rude person, I would have given him the finger. But I was kind and polite. I was Blaine Anderson. Lately, I've had to remind myself who I was. Pathetic, I know, but Sebastian honestly felt like my other half. I felt incomplete without him.
Hunter sighed. "In all seriousness Blaine, I'm worried about him. He's been hanging out with some new people that don't strike me as good company. He doesn't show up to practice, he doesn't go to class, he doesn't play lacrosse, he doesn't do anything but drink, smoke, and have sex. It's like he's not even Sebastian anymore." Smoke? Since when did Sebastian smoke? Sebastian was for all intents and purposes killing himself slowly. I needed to help him. I couldn't just leave him.
"What am I supposed to do Hunter? He doesn't want me in his life anymore. I'm not going to force him to be anything to me. Not my boyfriend. Not my friend. Nothing. I don't need someone like that in my life."
"You realize that he still loves you right? The few time's I have seen him, his eyes are distant and it's like he has a permanent grimace on his face. At night, he wakes up screaming and sometimes I hear him say your name in his sleep. You should see the face on the guy's faces when by mistake he moans out your name. It's hilarious." Hunter said laughing before shaking his head and changing his mood, suddenly looking upset. "He cries in his sleep Blaine. Obviously I don't say anything; I know how pissed he would be if I told him I've seen him cry." Hunter genuinely looked worried about Sebastian. Weird.
"What do you want from me Hunter?"
"You need to talk to him."
"You don't think I've tried? I've called him and texted him almost every single day." I said throwing my hands up in defeat, probably a little more dramatically than needed. I turned a little red when I realized that the patrons of the Lima Bean were all staring at me. Had I been yelling?
"You can't just give up on him. He needs you and you know that."
"Why do you even care? Now that I'm single, shouldn't you be trying to get with me even more than when I was with Sebastian?" I said crossing my arms and raising an eyebrow.
"Would you give me a chance?" He said winking at me. "Probably not. But more importantly, Sebastian is my friend. I won't do that to him. I'm not saying you should date him again, but I'm saying fix whatever's been broken and maybe you two can at least be friends."
"Why should I keep trying?" I was being stubborn, I knew that, but I wasn't about to open myself up just to be broken all over again. What was the point in that?
Hunter stood up. "Because you still love him." He said before turning around and walking away. I wasn't sure how long I had been sitting there, Hunter's words resonating in my head. I had to do something. I couldn't…I wouldn't leave Sebastian. Not now. Not ever.
You're picking me up at 9. We're going to Scandals. –Blaine
That's not my thing. I'm too classy for that. Just come over and we can have sex here. –Hunter
Not what I meant Hunter. Chances are Sebastian will be there. –Blaine
I said you talk to him. I don't want to get involved with him until he's back to normal. There's nothing the Warblers or I can do about him. –Hunter
I have a plan. A stupid plan, but I know it'll work. –Blaine
*sigh* Fine. –Hunter
"Someone looks cute as ever." Hunter said walking up to me with his hands in his pocket. This was the first time that I've seen Hunter dressed up, and he cleaned up well.
"H-Hey. You look nice. Very handsome." I said nodding my head as if I approved.
"Same killer." Don't call me killer. That's Sebastian's thing. "Except, a bowtie? This is a gay bar Blaine. They don't accept children here." Hunter said with a smirk on his lips.
"Shut up." I said punching his arm.
"So, what's this plan of yours?" He said handing his fake to the bouncer.
"Well, if I came by myself, Sebastian would take one look at me and turn the other way. But, if he knows that you're my date tonight, he'll want to come beat you up and that's when I'll make my move and talk to him." The bouncer gave my fake back and we made our way to the sit at the bar. I couldn't help but feel slightly embarrassed when the bouncer rolled his eyes at me when he heard my plan. Even he thought it was idiotic.
"Your plan sucks. And I'm not letting him hit me." Hunter said shaking his head. Yeah, my idea was pretty stupid, but I had a feeling it would work. "If this doesn't work, you owe me a kiss." He said, not even looking at me.
"Wh-…no. Absolutely not."
"Kiss or I walk out." Hunter's face was serious, but a slight smile was playing at his lips.
"Fine. Nothing else." Giving into peer pressure was never my thing, but what the hell, who cares I'm single now.
The bar tender handed two beers to Hunter. "A few of these and you'll be begging for me by the end of the night." He said handing me my beer.
"Hunter, one of us has to drive. You can drink. I'll be the driver tonight." I said grabbing the beer and placing it down.
"Oh c'mon. If we're going to go through with this stupid plan of yours, then we can at least enjoy ourselves in the process. We can take a cab."
"We're not having sex Hunter." I said, pushing the beer closer to him.
"Looks like you were right." Hunter said. After an hour of being half forced to dance to with Hunter, Sebastian showed up, walking into Scandals already tipsy judging from the way he walked. His eyes seemed slightly red, as if he had just smoked before coming in. I was hoping that Hunter meant cigarettes, not that they were any better, but since when had he started smoking weed?
There was something off about Sebastian. He usually wore a nice polo, looking handsome as ever, but he was wearing an outfit that sort of reminded me of a hipster. I walked over to him as he sat down at the bar. "Not interested." He said not looking over before taking his second shot.
"Hi Sebastian." Sebastian looked over after realizing it was my voice; his eyes shot open and he seemed slightly startled before composing himself and turning his head away from me.
"What're you doing here?" He asked before ordering a beer. His voice was calm, but something about how he spoke made me think that maybe he was happy to see me…maybe even relieved?
"Well, I knew that if I wanted to get a hold of you, this would be where to find you. How have you been?" I asked with a smile on my face, hoping that maybe we weren't as bad as when we last saw each other.
"I'm not in the mood for this Blaine." He said standing up and starting to walk out of the bar. Hunter stood up and placed his hand on Sebastian's chest to stop him. "What the hell are you doing here?" Hunter put his hands in his pocket. "I'm here with Blaine."
"Please tell me you two aren't trying to pull an intervention right now? Get out of my way." Sebastian said walking by Hunter. Hunter grabbed his arm but was pushed aside by Sebastian as he walked out.
"Sebastian, wait!" I said running after him. I knew he would try to leave. "Can we talk?"
"What is there to talk about Blaine?" He said turning around. He was aggravated, that much I could tell.
"About us." I said standing close to him. Hunter walked out of Scandals but stopped a little ways from us.
"Why? Seems like you're having a good time with Hunter. Don't let me intrude." He said turning around again before I grabbed his arm.
"Can you come with me? Come spend the night with me. You're in no condition to drive." I said, fully aware of just how much I was pleading.
"No thanks. I'll walk to my house."
"Sebastian that will take you hours. You're not leaving here unless it's with me." I said this time with more authority.
Sebastian laughed, shaking his arm out of my grip. "And why exactly do I have to listen to anything you tell me?" Sebastian was being defensive, but he sure did know how to be mean.
"Please? Will you just do this last thing for me? After you hear me out and we talk, you'll never have to see me again if you don't want to. Just tonight. Stay with me tonight." Sebastian's face was that same expressionless face he had when he didn't want anyone to know what he was feeling.
"What about Hunter?" Hunter walked over to us and handed me his keys. "I'll take a cab. If you so much as scratch my car Blaine, you'll owe me a lot more than a kiss." He said before starting to walk away.
"Wait! Hunter, that's not fair. Take your car, we'll take a cab." I said giving him back his keys.
"Suite yourself." He said before walking away. I hope he wasn't mad, I didn't want to hurt him by just throwing him aside when Sebastian showed up.
"Are you two dating?" Sebastian asked after we got into the cab. He wouldn't look at me, but I could tell he was a little hurt.
"No. I kind of used him so that he could help me get to you." I admitted.
The rest of the car ride was spent in silence. When we arrived at my house, we walked inside and went to my room.
"Where are your parents?" He asked sitting down on my bed.
"Out on business. They haven't been here for a week." I took off my clothes and stood there in my boxers, looking for clothes. I smiled when I looked into the mirror and saw Sebastian staring at me. "Do you want some clothes?"
"Sure." Sebastian said looking down at the floor. He wasn't upset, but his face seemed distant. I grabbed a shirt and shorts from my closet and threw it at him.
"Are you hungry?" I asked putting on my own clothes.
"We're here to talk Blaine. I don't want to make this into anything." He said, his face serious again.
"I just assumed now that you're smoking you might have the munchies." I said looking directly at him.
"Who told you? Fucking Hunter I'm going to kill him." He said as he started undressing.
"It was clear from your blood shot eyes, don't blame hunter for this." I said walking over to sit with him. "Why are you doing drugs now Sebastian. You never did drugs before."
"Does it matter?" He said putting his clothes on a chair. "It's fun. I have some if you'd like to try it."
"No. I'm all set. I was going to offer you to watch some TV downstairs, but I was thinking that maybe we could just lie down on my bed?" Sebastian looked over at me. I could tell he was hesitating, not wanting to do anything that would lead us to falling back to where we were only a short three weeks ago.
"S-sure." He said before walking over. We settled down in the bed under the covers, Sebastian lying face up while I was on my side so that I could look at him. I knew having him in my bed was a bad idea; I knew it would hurt him just as much as it was hurting me. "So, what did you want to talk about?"
"Sebastian, the way we ended things was rushed and inappropriate. I need to know, and I want you to be completely honest with me. Did you mean those things you said to me?"
Sebastian closed his eyes and paused. For a second, I thought maybe he had fallen asleep. "No." He breathed out with a sigh. "But I can't be with you Blaine."
"Why not?" I asked, searching for his hand under the blanket. I slipped my fingers in between his, but he didn't grab mine. He just let me hold onto his. "We can make a long distance relationship work if we tried Bas."
"It's pointless. In a few months, I won't see you ever again. Why put myself through a relationship when I know it's just going to end. And you already know how much long distance things work."
"We can still be together though. We can make it work; we don't have to break up Sebastian. I…I need you. You don't know how hard these past few weeks have been on me." I said, looking away from his face.
"You have no idea." He whispered, opening his eyes again and staring at the ceiling.
"Sebastian…"
"All this is doing is opening up wounds that were finally starting to heal. I shouldn't have come here." Sebastian said sitting up and placing his legs over the edge of the bed.
"No! Please, stay Sebastian. For me? Just one more night if that's all you want. Just hold me." I knew I sounded pathetic, but it was what I wanted. I would trade anything in the world to have Sebastian stay with me. I missed him. I needed him. I loved him. Stupid Hunter, he was right.
Sebastian lied down, facing me, his fingers intertwined with mine. Exactly where they were supposed to be. "Have you…have you still been, uh…" Sebastian looked away from me as I tried to find the words that wouldn't be too insensitive. I ran my fingers on his wrist, feeling ever scar that he had placed there. "Even though we aren't dating Sebastian, I still love you. I need you to promise me you won't do this anymore. When you feel upset, or when you're angry, talk to me. Call me, text me, whatever. I'll make my way to you. Just…don't hurt yourself anymore. Please?"
Sebastian looked up into my eyes before he nodded his head slowly. "I won't." Sebastian whispered before closing his eyes again. Every time Sebastian wanted to reflect or think about something, he seemed to close his eyes to forget everything that was going on around him. "I never thought I would be like this again." He whispered.
"Like what?" I asked moving in closer so that our foreheads were touching; the tip of our noses rubbing against each other.
"With you. Like this." Sebastian slipped his leg in between mine, sighing happily.
"Will you do one last thing for me?" I asked. Sebastian nodded, opening his eyes again to look at me.
"I don't care if you drink, just drink socially and responsibly. The last thing I want is to get a call in the middle of the night and hearing that you've been hurt. Call me if you need a ride, even if it's at 3 in the morning. And please, the one thing I don't want you to do is drugs. I know you're just trying to forget, but Sebastian that's not how you do it." I said squeezing his hand.
Sebastian nodded. "I promise." They way he said it didn't really have me very convinced.
"Why haven't you been attending classes or any of your lacrosse games? Or the Warbler rehearsals?"
"It's stupid. All those things are trivial." He said simply, as if that response sufficed.
"No. They're not. You need to finish your senior year strong, don't throw all the things you love away."
"What's the point if I can't have the one thing I love the most?" He said, looking away from my eyes.
"You do have me though. I'll always be here for you, even if we're not together." I said kissing his forehead.
"I meant sex with you." He said smiling.
"Sebastian! Way to ruin a moment." I said smacking his arm.
"Can I tell you a secret?" Sebastian asked to which I nodded. "Whenever I was sleeping with someone, I would think of you."
"Flattering, but I'm pissed that you've already returned to your one-night-stand ways." I said glaring at him.
"I know. I knew it would hurt you if you found out, but it's the only way I know how to cope. Hunter was pissed when I called him Blaine."
"You had sex with Hunter?!" I asked, irritation seeping out of my words. Sebastian's eyes grew wide.
"I figured he had told you everything." He said blushing slightly, realizing that Hunter of all people would piss me off the most. The only person he could fuck that would piss me off more than him sleeping with Hunter would be Kurt.
"Was it bad at least?" I asked glaring at him.
"Are you kidding? Have you seen his ass?" Sebastian said shrugging his shoulders. I smiled, but it really did hurt.
"What does this mean Blaine?" He asked, his voice soft. Confused.
"I don't know. You already said you don't want to be together."
"You know I do. But it's dumb to think that a miracle will happen that will keep us together. I'm not like you Blaine; I'm a realist. My life isn't some make-believe world where everything works out in the end."
"I know. But I do love spending time with you. Maybe we could be friends?" I asked looking directly at his eyes.
"So you mean torturing each other by being with each other, be not actually being with each other?"
"If that's what it takes to be with each other, but not actually be with each other, but being with each other, or something…I don't know I'm confused. So, friends?"
Sebastian pressed his lips into mine, forcing his tongue down my throat as his hands roamed my body and lightly caressed my skin. I shivered when I felt his hand traveling under my shirt and on my chest. The kiss was intense; hot, passionate, and absolutely desperate.
Sebastian pulled away, a look of shock crossing his face. Looks like he was surprised that even he did that. "Friends." He said laughing.
"Friends don't make out." I said laughing.
"Well, we're special friends." Sebastian said turning his back towards me. I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around him and press myself into him until it felt as if we were one. But, friends didn't do that.
"Goodnight Sebastian." I said shutting off my light.
"Goodnight B." He said. I could feel the pillows move slightly as he turned his head to look at me before resting his head again. "I'm so stupid." I heard him whisper. Stupid for being here with me? Or stupid for breaking up with me? I was hoping it was the latter.