Chapter 27: In Reverse
A/N: Thank you to ImperVerd for your kind words and for being so passionate about my story. It means a lot :) I have taken your feedback into consideration, and I'll try my best to improve! Anyways, hope everyone enjoys!
Precisely why you don't fall in love Sebastian. It makes you weak. It makes you vulnerable. It hurts. Love does nothing but bring you up and then tear you down. Smart people like myself don't do that. Why do you think most successful people struggle with love? Because it only serves as a detriment. That simple.
Well, obviously, but what was I supposed to do now that I was in it? If anyone saw me, they would probably just assume I'm a nutcase talking to myself. Which, in all honesty, I probably am. Last night was awkward; Blaine and I sat at either ends of the group in the cinema, and at Bread Stix, we sat diagonally so that we wouldn't be next to each other or across from each other. It was sort of like a double date, which I don't do, where Britt was my date and Santana was Blaine's date. We barely shared any words throughout the entire night.
I had no clue how long I had been lying on the grass, my legs and arms extended as if I was making an angel. I had my headphones in, simply watching the clouds pass by. It had been relatively warm lately, and I found that this was my favorite pastime. I felt like they did this in stupid movies, where the actor and the actress pretend they weren't in love and then they daydream about each other while staring at the clouds. Garbage. It's all garbage. I liked it because it was peaceful. It brought into perspective how insignificant and tiny we all were. Or maybe because once, Blaine mentioned that he likes a little tan on a guy. Which is ridiculous seeing as he dated Casper the Friendly Ghosts gay cousin Kurt the Sassy Ghost. Was I trying to tan in some subconscious attempt to make Blaine more attracted to me? Ha. No. Well. I don't know. Whatever. Men tan all the time. Right?
Ugh. There he goes again ruining my perfectly blissful afternoon. The thought of him drives me insane. Yeah, I said that I would stay friends with Blaine, but that's because I know how he is. This way, Blaine had the satisfaction of saying that him and I are friends, but not really. We had hung out maybe 3 times since we had become friends, and the two times it had been just us, one of them was spent getting used to not being in a relationship, and the other was spent in awkward silence watching a movie.
Santana had been texting me all day, wanting to talk about Blaine and about how much I suck. I loved the girl, despite her evil ways and her clever usage of taping a recorder to her under boob so that she could have evidence of the rock salt I put in the slushy that almost blinded Blaine. Yes, I could hold a grudge. I finally decided to start replying to her after the 10th beep, but when I picked up my phone, I saw that Blaine had texted me.
Hey! I wanted to know if you would join us tomorrow in a concert we're holding as a fundraiser? We could use more singers, and I know that you're on the Warblers, but we could really use more voices. –Blaine
Santana already invited me. –Sebastian
The McKinley group was doing some stupid fundraiser concert thing to bring in the dough to help them get to nationals. Something about paying 5 dollars to have a member of the New Directions sing a song of the customers choosing. It sounded like prostitution if you asked me.
Oh...okay. –Blaine
Is everything okay? –Sebastian
Yeah. I'll see you tomorrow. –Blaine
I should have said I had no idea what he was talking about, so that Blaine could go on and on about how much fun it would be and how much he really wanted me to be there. But no, Sebastian was a cruel person. He was straight and to the point. Third person Sebastian, stop talking like that you sound stupid.
I heard footsteps coming closer to me. "Sebastian, you should come inside. It's getting cold out here." Maria said, shivering already. Was it really that cold? I nodded as I got up and stretched.
"What would you like for dinner?" Maria said as we walked inside the house.
"I'll just order something. You can go home." Maria nodded before getting her stuff and leaving.
I went up to my room so that I could lie down and take a nap. In the end, I know that the reason I'm in this stupid funk is because I let myself slip and fall in love. Love only manages to destroy a person. Love sucks. But, of course, I couldn't get enough of it. I decided to turn on Blaine's iPod that he had given me for Christmas. Maybe somehow the music would bring me peace. I had forgotten that Blaine had made a specific playlist of him singing songs, so I decided to give that a go. But of course, the first song that came on was Give Your Heart a Break, as if God or the universe was mocking me and playing a song that perfectly described our situation. He did, however, sing perfectly. He was so talented. So amazing. So perfect.
I was bored, which was weird considering that I was back in the flow of things. I didn't really want to do anything with my life lately. Yes, I had listened to Blaine and began attending my games, rehearsals, and classes, and I even stopped smoking. But alcohol was fun, it wasn't to get my mind off of things. And going to a bar is being social, right? So that counted as social drinking. It's decided; tonight calls for another Scandal's night.
I'm not usually bored. Normally, the loneliness and the emptiness would be filled with the time I spent with Blaine, but now that we don't spend as much time together, I had nothing. The silence seemed even louder now that I had known love and lost it than before I had even known it at all. Shut up Sebastian. What? No, you shut up. You sound like a pussy. Speaking about how I feel makes me a pussy? I think you're wrong.
Right. Okay, because talking to myself internally doesn't make me a freak just like those public schoolers. It literally felt as if I had an angel and a devil on either shoulder, suggesting what I should and shouldn't do. 'Or, maybe you could stay home and drink Sebastian. You know exactly why you're going to Scandal's tonight.' but then, I would hear 'C'mon, don't be a wimp. Go. Have fun. Forget about the kid.' .I didn't know why I tried convincing myself not to go when I knew that nothing would stop me. Devil 1. Angel 0.
I didn't even have to show the bouncer my ID anymore, not with the frequency at which I came to this dump. Time to see if there was anyone worth my time.
"Beer." I said to the bartender after I sat down. A quick scope of the place and no one really caught my interest. Oh well, it was still early. A couple hours passed as I was dancing on the dance floor before I got bored with some guy who had bought me a few drinks in hopes of getting fucked. He was attractive, but I could feel his junk and it wasn't something I wanted to waste time with. I went to sit down to order another drink. Was there seriously nobody in this place that was worth my time? Of course not. Blaine wasn't here. God. Shut up Sebastian, stop thinking about him.
"Can I buy you a drink?" I looked over to see the last person I wanted to see that night. Well, second to last. Hunter.
"I thought you said this isn't your thing." I said raising an eyebrow.
"It's not. I knew you would be here though. I also knew that you would forget about the rehearsal we have tomorrow morning." Crap. I had actually completely forgotten about the rehearsal tomorrow. "Let's go back to the dorms."
"I just got here." I said chugging down whatever drink the bartender had just given me.
"Then go screw someone quickly and we can go back."
"Why? I have someone I can do that with back at the dorms." I said looking over and winking at him.
"Not again. Last time we were both drunk, but not when I'm sober. Besides, being called Blaine wasn't something that I liked." I laughed, remembering that I had actually called him Blaine when we were fucking. Now that was an awkward moment.
"Oh C'mon Hunt. Don't be like that. It won't happen again, I promise." I said leaning over to bring him in for a kiss. Hunter was a good kisser. An amazing one actually. But I couldn't help but not feel satisfied knowing that they weren't Blaine's lips. Hunter clearly wanted this; his tongue down my throat and one hand snaking it's way down my pants.
"Let's go." I said before tossing some money on the bar and walking out with Hunter.
Hunter always competed for dominance, not wanting to be inferior in anyway. He was a lot like me actually. But I wasn't about to have that. The only time I had ever bottomed was with the man of my dreams. Yes, the man I had dated for 20 minutes. Wow, compared to those 20 minutes, the almost 6 months with Blaine was an insane improvement. No, not now. Don't think about Blaine when you're in someone, Sebastian. Focus on Hunter. I had him on his back and had my entire length inside of him. Hunter and I always skipped the foreplay, preferring to get right into it. We never talked, we never said each other's names, we always just fucked and got it over with. Hunter brought me down again so that he could kiss me; moaning into my mouth with every thrust. It wasn't long before we had both finished.
"Normally, this is the part where I would kick you out of the room." I said standing up from his bed and walking into the bathroom to clean myself off.
"Too bad you can't." Hunter said coming to stand behind me and wrapping his arm around me, leaving a trail of kisses down my shoulder.
"I'm not into the cute stuff Hunter." I said turning around pinning him against the wall and holding his wrists above his head, our semi-hard ons rubbing on each other.
"You were with Blaine." I let go of his wrist and walked out of the bathroom, not wanting to talk about him.
"Get over him Sebastian. When I came to this school, I heard that Sebastian was this tough, mean asshole. I knew you would be my right hand man, but so far, everything's been a lie about you."
"Good thing I don't have to prove anything to you then." I said putting on some clothes and throwing myself on my bed, crossing my feet as well as crossing my hands under my head so that I could rest my head on them.
"Look what he did to you Sebastian. He's a great guy, yes, but look at where you are now. How the mighty have fallen." Hunter said sitting on the edge of my bed.
"You don't know him at all, and you have no idea all the things he's done for me. I'm grateful for him Hunter, so don't talk crap about him. Besides, I'm still the same Sebastian."
"That's a lie. He's changed you. Not in a bad way, I mean you seem more like a human and less like an asshole, but you shouldn't have lost what made you, you." Now that's a lie. Blaine had changed everything that I hated about myself. He made me better. He made me feel loved. He completed me.
"Shut up." I said, not wanting to really argue let alone think of Blaine. Blaine. He was like a most cherished memory that just so happen to kill me slowly as well. Like I said, he was talented.
"Or what?" He said standing up. I smirked and shook my head.
"Not worth it." I don't get what Hunter is getting at. Why is he getting so pissed about me not treating him like I treated Blaine? Please tell me he isn't trying to be in a relationship with me…
Hunter pulled his phone out before looking at it and groaning. "This school is filled with fucking idiots!" He said grabbing a coat and leaving the room, slamming the door loudly. Dramatic.
My phone went off but I wasn't going to bother looking at it seeing as it's already 1 in the morning. But, of course, it went off again.
"What?" I said, my voice purposefully full of irritation.
"H-Hi." I sat up immediately realizing that it was Blaine. "I didn't mean to wake you, I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Hey B. No, I wasn't sleeping. What's up?" I realized I was an idiot. As much as I tried to ignore Blaine, the second I had any possibility of being in contact with him, I took it.
"Nothing. What're you up to."
"Just lying here in bed."
"Sounds like fun."
"You bet." There was a long pause after my comment. Well, this conversation had gotten awkward extremely quickly. If it wasn't for the light breathing I could hear, I would have thought he had fallen asleep. "So, what's on your mind?"
"Too much. Nationals, tomorrow's concert, school, the dance, the past, the future, everything." He said in barely a whisper.
"What dance?"
"Santana thought it would be a good form of female empowerment if she threw a Sadie Hawkins dance."
"You don't sound too excited. Has no one asked you to the dance yet?" Please say no. Wait, I don't care. Plus, he deserves to have fun.
Blaine laughed. The best part of my day by far. His laugh. "No, I've been asked. I just haven't made my choice yet."
"Who are the possible nominees?"
"Well, Tina asked me, which is kind of weird. I love the girl, but she's been showing some interest in me lately. I think she hopes I might be bi."
"You can't blame her." Well, that wasn't supposed to come out. I really need to learn how to control my impulses.
"I had someone else in mind though." Blaine said. If I wasn't mistaken, Blaine sounded somewhat hesitant. Was he referring to me?
"Who?" Blaine didn't say anything. He definitely wanted to go with me. "Sadie Hawkins dances are where the girls ask the guys right?" I'm pretty sure that came a lot more excited than was intended.
"Yeah."
"Then ask me."
"Who says I wanted to ask you?" Blaine was playful as always. I miss him. No, shut up.
"I would ask you to go to the dance, but one, this isn't my dance and two, I'm not the girl in this relationship remember?" Fuck. Not in a relationship.
"We're friends. The guy-girl rule doesn't apply." He defended.
I couldn't help but laugh. "Fine. Will you take me to that stupid public school dance with you?"
"Sebastian!" He said sighing on the other line. It was evident from his tone that he had a smile on his face. "I don't think that's exactly what the girl says when asking a guy to a dance."
"Again, not my dance so I have to ask you to take me, and I don't know how a girl asks." I could hear his laughter on the other end of the phone. Oh how I wanted to be there with him, seeing the way his eyes always shut close when he laughs, how his beautiful grin could brighten even the saddest of days. "Fine. Will you, Blaine Anderson, take me, Sebastian Smythe, to the Sadie Hawkins Dance?" I knew this would make Blaine happy. And if it did, I would do it.
"That's sweet of you to ask, but I'm going with Tina."
"Blaine!" I could hear Blaine laughing on the other side, clearly enjoying what he was doing to me. "That's not fair. The only reason you called was to see if I would ask you to the dance!"
"I'm kidding. Of course I'll take you to the dance."
"This was a messed up dance invitation." I mumbled.
"Yeah, but I knew I'd get it out of you."
"And I'm the sneaky one?"
"Yes sir. But, I'll let you get back to bed. I'll see you tomorrow!"
"Bye Blaine. I lov-loathe you." Loathe? What?
"Funny. Bye Bas."
I think by this point, Blaine and I were past the stage of hurt and were probably either in denial or back where we started. Each day, it felt like it did when we first started hanging out. Not wanting to get too close, not wanting to say the L word, trying to pretend like we didn't have feelings for each other. This was stupid. So much progress had been made, and now we were back to where we started. It's like things were in reverse.
We had rushed into a relationship, and I had broken up the second an obstacle got in my way. Blaine was right, but what else was I supposed to do? I don't know how to handle these things, so I resort to doing what I do best. Severing bonds and moving on with my life. Why couldn't I do that with Blaine? I literally seem like I have multiple personalities, but no, it's just the same old Sebastian confused with everything Blaine makes him feel. Okay, seriously, I'm narrating my life. I need to stop.
I knew I wouldn't be sleeping anytime soon, so I decided it would be best to take a walk. Dalton was probably one of the nicer schools that I've attended. It was beautiful here; the architecture, the design, everything. It would be sad to leave it upon graduation.
Hunter came walking in from outside, Nick and Jeff trailing behind him.. "Where did you go?"
"Nick and Jeff decided to go out tonight, and ended up having a fight at some club. I'm so sick of you guys not being able to control yourselves when you go out." Hunter said referring to all of us. "You make the Warblers look like a disgrace." Hunter was pissed.
"Hey! I can control myself." I said, crossing my arms. "Shut up Sebastian. You're drinking is such a cry for attention I don't even want to get started."
"Then don't if you don't know shit." I wasn't about to get pushed around. "Don't get me involved just because you're pissed at those two." When it came to the Warblers, we all wanted to believe we were even, but we all knew it was a lie. Hunter was the leader, and I was his right hand man. I, however, was an equal to him. Everyone else…they were just there. FUCK. Okay, be kind. Right. I can do this. Nick and Jeff were just as important as I was. Yeah, I could handle that.
"Have a fun night boys?" I asked, looking behind Hunter to Nick and Jeff who were standing there completely wasted.
They murmured something out, which I interpreted as a yes, and made my way back to my room. Hunter came in shortly after.
"What's been up your ass lately?" I asked sitting on the edge of my bed.
"Nothing." He said putting his coat away.
"Come here." I said patting the seat next to me. "Want me to hold you?" I said putting my arm around him with a smirk on my face.
"Shut up Sebastian." He said pushing me away.
"Seriously though, what's wrong?" I asked.
"Why do you care?" Hunter argued.
"Fine. I don't." I said lying back down. "Sorry for trying to be a good friend."
"You don't know what it means to be a friend." He spat back, which, in his defense, was entirely true. Hunter jumped on top of me and was rubbing his already hard-on on mine."Round two." Hunter said before ripping my shirt off and pressing his lips into mine.