Chapter 30: Denial
A/N: Don't give up on me. That's all I ask for! The song I used in this chapter is Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. I guarantee you that I will not write something tragic, without their being some happy ending. Keep your faith in me! Everything will be okay!
"You're not funny Cooper." I couldn't think. I could barely breathe. Cooper was kidding right? He had to be. "Here, why don't you help me with my math homework? I don't know why the quadratic formula is giving me the wrong answer." I was searching for my homework half-heartedly. I was in too much of a haze to really grasp what was going on. Maybe if I just pretended it didn't phase me, Cooper would finally say 'I'm kidding Blaine! I'm just a big jerk who thought I was funny.'
"Blaine." Cooper said reaching over to grab my shoulder.
"Oh, here it is! Okay look, so if you substitute 4 for A and the-" I felt as if I was about to crack. This couldn't be real life, right? No. Everything is okay. Everything would be fine. Despite my mental pep talk, I could feel my exterior faltering. I was calm, but I could feel my lips quiver when I tried smiling, I could feel myself sweating. On the inside, I was hyperventilating. Calm down. Calm down. Breathe. I could feel myself starting to breathe heavier; my chest felt as if it would burst any second. This couldn't be right. Cooper couldn't be sick. Not cancer. But I was all he had right now, and I couldn't show weakness now. I needed to be there for Cooper. He needed me.
"Blaine." He said grabbing me by my shoulder's to stop me from shaking.
"What?" I managed to get out. I knew no matter how hard I fought back the truth, it would eventually hit me. And it did; harder than a thousand bricks crushing my body. My brother was sick. Why. I don't understand. It was if I couldn't control my body…I'm just sitting here crying into Coopers shoulder. I wasn't gasping for air. It felt like a silent cry. Or was I just blocking it out so much that I didn't even realize how hard I was breaking?
"Blaine, breathe. Little brother, listen to me." Cooper grasped my head in his hands, holding me firmly in place.
"Cooper, when did you find out? Why didn't you tell me? Are you…" I couldn't finish that sentence. I knew that if I managed to ask him, then I would break. But until then, I would be strong.
"I just found out last week, which is why I came home. I wanted to be here with you guys, but I'm not going to explain it to you unless you promise me you'll stop crying." I nodded my head. Cooper explained that the cancer had been found early on and that the cancer was luckily one of the ones that has a higher rate of recovery.
"So what do you have to do now?" I asked, still in denial that this was happening to my brother.
"Well, mom and dad are coming home early and we're going to an oncologist here in Lima." Cooper lied down and had a smile on his face. How was it that he could be so happy right now?
"Cooper. How is it that you're okay with all this?" I asked, a little frustrated that Cooper wasn't taking this seriously.
"What can I say? I know this will only make me stronger, and I have an excuse to spend more time with you and our parents. It's funny." He said propping up on his elbow. "It took something so serious for me to realize that the only thing I really need in life is my loved ones. We're going to make up for the time we weren't close little brother."
It was undeniable that my brother's optimism was contagious, but I still couldn't shake the feeling that he was probably too shocked to react. "Well, I'm glad it's helped you put some things in perspective, but what does this mean Coop? I still don't understand how you're okay. Won't you need surgery? And treatment? Isn't the treatment itself horrible?" I said lying down next to him and throwing my pillow on my head.
"Yeah, but I have the support I need. That's all that matters right?" We laid there in silence thinking about everything that had just been said. It would take me a while to get used to everything. "Can I tell you a secret?" He said pulling the pillow off of my face.
"There's more?" I asked, even more worried for what more he had to tell me.
"I'm in love." I felt my eyes go wide and sat up. Was he serious? No way. Not Cooper Anderson!
"Hold on. The Cooper Anderson is in love?" I said, truly and honestly surprised. "How did this happen?"
Cooper sat up and sat cross-legged, a bright smile on his face. "Right! I don't know, but look." Cooper searched in his pocket before he pulled out a ring. "We're engaged!" He said, a goofy smile on his face.
"Cooper! No way, when did this happen?"
"Well, we've been dating for almost a year now." I glared at him, wondering why he never told me about her. "Her name is Julie Smith. She's an upcoming singer! I know you'd love her. I've told her all about you." He said messing my hair.
"Is she pretty?" I asked. How did we go from talking about Cooper's health to his fiancé? Cooper pulled out his phone and found a picture before handing it to me. "Wow Coop, I'm impressed. She's beautiful." I said nodding and handing him his phone.
"What is that supposed to mean?" He asked furrowing his eyebrow. "Well, you're meeting her tomorrow."
"She's coming here?"
"Yup. She's coming to meet our parents." He said standing up from the bed.
"Do our parents even know you're sick?" I asked collecting all my school stuff.
"Yeah, I gave them the rundown last week when I first found out. I didn't know who else to look to for advice, so they know. They also know that I'm engaged, which believe me, it earned me one hell of a scolding." He said putting on his coat.
"Where are you going? Shouldn't you be resting?" I said standing in front of him. How is he about to go out with such a burden on his chest?
"Blaine, it's not that bad. I still feel fine. Yeah, slightly weak, but that doesn't mean it'll stop me from living my life. Besides, I'm only going to a friend's house to watch the football game and have dinner. Do you want to come actually?"
"No, I still have a lot of work to do. Not that I'll be able to do it now."
"If you say so. Do you need some cash for food?"
"It's not the first time I've been alone Coop. I'll be fine. I'm your little brother, but I'm not little." I said rolling my eyes. He still thought of me as a child.
Cooper surprised me when he pulled me into a hug. "You'll always be my little squirt, Blaine." He tightened his arms around me before pulling away and smiling. "I'll be home later tonight." He said grabbing his wallet and his phone.
"Call me if you need anything." I said sitting at the top stair as he walked downstairs.
"I think I'll be okay B." He said waving his hand, dismissing anything that I was about to argue with.
I couldn't do homework. The work that was due tomorrow was already done, and I was too distracted to finish any more. I decided to research more about cancer, to see if there was anything I could do to help.
After an hour of searching the web, I called it quits. WebMD was freaking me out, and nothing seemed very consistent. I wasn't a doctor, I didn't have any clue what I was doing. Sebastian was going to be a doctor. I was so proud of him for aiming so high. I knew that Sebastian would make an excellent doctor. He was smart. He was dedicated. He was handsome. All the nurses would definitely swoon over him. I need to teach him how to properly interact with others before he actually starts seeing patients. I could imagine him walking in to see a patient, saying 'You're dying, Sorry.' and then walking out. I couldn't help but laugh at the thought. But who said I would be friends with Sebastian when he went to medical school.
Just then, a knock came at the door. I put on my slippers before running down the stairs. Was Cooper home early?
"Sebastian?" I said surprised, trying to hide how extremely happy I was to see him. "What're you doing here?" Sebastian's face looked worried, almost distraught.
"Hi. I uh…Cooper called me." He said walking inside.
"Why?" I asked confused before walking into the kitchen and grabbing an apple. I sat down on the island when Sebastian walked in.
"I'm so sorry Blaine." He said, sitting down next to me and holding my hand. "Cooper told me, I'm here for you. If you need anything, just tell me and I'll do it."
I sighed before placing my apple down. "So, he told you." Sebastian nodded. He seemed slightly a little uncomfortable, as if he wasn't sure how he should comfort me.
"Why are you laughing?" He said raising an eyebrow.
"I don't know. It's weird really, Cooper is happier than I've ever seen him, yet he has a life threatening condition." I shook my head. "I don't know whether or not I'm blocking this out mentally, or if I don't understand the complexity of everything."
"He didn't seem upset when he talked to me, which honestly made me think he was kidding." He said serving himself a cup of water.
"So what exactly did he tell you?"
"Well, he told me had cancer. And then he told me that I should make my way to your house because you're alone and he didn't want you by yourself." He said sitting back down and taking a sip of water.
"Hold on. So did he basically sent you here to baby sit me?" I said, suddenly really mad at Cooper. He didn't trust me by myself? I was stronger than he gave me credit for.
"Well, I guess. You're right, you're more than capable of taking care of yourself. I don't even know why he asked me of all people. I feel useless; I have no idea what I'm supposed to say to you to comfort you. I should probably be leaving then." He said standing up. I grabbed his arm, not wanting him to leave. If I had to choose between being alone and being with someone, I would definitely choose the latter of the two options.
"No, stay." I said, hoping that it didn't sound like I was pleading.
Sebastian sat back down and half smiled. "So, have you eaten or do you want me to make you dinner?"
"You don't have to cook for me Bas. Besides, I'm not hungry." I said as he walked over to the fridge.
"No, I want to." He said pulling out some chicken. "How about some garlic chicken and rice pilaf?"
"Only if you make enough for you to eat with me." I said before standing up so that I could help him cook.
We made dinner together, and I couldn't help but feel warm. Happy. I had missed cooking with Sebastian, doing nothing but lounging around and enjoying our company. We ate dinner and talked about whatever came to mind, laughing and fooling around like we did in the beginning. I missed this more than I had thought. It sort of fit the saying 'out of sight, out of mind'. When I wasn't doing these things with him, I didn't really think about it. But now that we were, I realized how much I missed this.
"So, I'll see you tomorrow?" He said placing the last dish in the dishwasher.
"No, you don't have to go. Let's skip school tomorrow. Stay here with me tonight." I said, hoping more than anything that he would stay with me.
"If you'd like me to." He said, a smile on his face. "I didn't bring any clothes though."
"You never took the spare clothes you left here when we were together." I said, gabbing his hand and bringing him upstairs. We changed into more comfortable clothes before climbing into bed.
Sebastian and I laid there intertwined and staring into each other's eyes. "We can talk about it if you want." Sebastian said smiling at me.
"No, it's okay. Just being here with you. That's all I need." I said snuggling in closer to him and resting my head on his chest.
"I brought your iPod with me. Maybe we can listen to it?" Sebastian said reaching for my nightstand and putting in the iPod in the iHome.
"You know I never go a day without having the key you gave me on me at all times." I said pointing to my keychain that had his key on it.
Sebastian reached for his jeans and pulled the lock out of his pocket. "Neither do I." He said kissing my forehead. I was lying with my head on his chest, moving up and down as he breathed in and out. I felt at peace again.
"I love this song." Sebastian said turning up the volume. I instantly knew what it was, being one of my favorite songs.
(Blaine)
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?
(Sebastian)
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life
(Blaine)
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
(Sebastian)
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
(Blaine and Sebastian)
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life
(Sebastian)
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see
(Blaine)
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all
(Sebastian)
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?
I smiled against Sebastian's chest, in this one moment, I felt more complete than I have for the last month. Just Sebastian and I. Together. I hope that the girl my brother marries brings him as much happiness as Sebastian brought me.
"What if I lose him?" I said, in such a low whisper I didn't think that Sebastian would hear me.
"Don't say that. I know Cooper, and he's a fighter. Besides, he drew a lucky hand. From what he's told me, all signs indicate to a fast and healthy recovery. I will be here for you every step of the way. I won't leave you." He said running his hand through my hair.
"Promise me that when you're a hot shot doctor, you'll try your best with every single one of your patients. It's weird you know? We see commercials about sickness and stuff, but you never really know what it feels like until it happens in your family."
"I promise I will. I don't know, I feel like I'm with Cooper. I feel like this is just another bump in the road that will serve to bring your family closer together."
"You're right." I said wrapping my arms around him. "Sorry I'm making you skip classes tomorrow."
"Why would you be sorry?" Sebastian said laughing. "I'm more than happy to skip."
"Did Cooper tell you that he's engaged?" I asked looking up to him.
"He is? No way!"
"Yeah, with some girl named Julie. She's actually really pretty. She's going to be here tomorrow."
"Are your parents are going to be here tomorrow too?" He asked, tensing slightly.
"Yeah, but don't worry. They don't hate you." I said laughing. I could feel him ease up. My parents still liked Sebastian. Even when I told them why we had broken up, they still understood him and his reasoning. If I didn't know any better, I would assume they were on his side.
"Are you excited for the Sadie Hawkins dance?" Sebastian asked rubbing my back.
"It'll be a little hard, you know?"
"What do you mean?" I looked up to see Sebastian with a confused look on his face. It hit me that I forgot he didn't know about that event in my life that ended with my transfer to Dalton.
"It just brings up bad memories. At my old school, before Dalton, I was the only kid out of the closet. Well, except my close friend. I asked him to go with me to the Sadie Hawkins dance, and when we were waiting for our ride home, some jocks decided that it would be a fun idea to beat the living crap out of us." I felt myself shiver; despite all these years, the memories of that night still haunted me. "And that's why I transferred to Dalton. Dances are always a weird topic for me." I said shrugging.
"You know that if I was your date that night I would have kicked those kids asses right? Why didn't you ever tell me you got beat up for being gay?" Sebastian sounded legitimately concerned.
"I don't know, it's just not something I think of often." Sebastian turned down the volume so that it was only white noise in the background before he brought me in closer to his chest. "I hope Hunter isn't mad that you won't show up tomorrow." I said, realizing that he probably had practice tomorrow morning.
"Oh he will be, but it's funny to see him all worked up." Sebastian said laughing.
I wasn't sure when we had fallen asleep, but I woke up with Cooper opening the door of my bedroom. I opened my eyes slightly, still not fully awake. Cooper didn't seem to notice that I was up as he rested against the door frame. Cooper had a smile on his face; a tender, sweet smile.
"I knew it." I heard him say before turning around and closing the door. I would spectate on what he meant by that tomorrow, but right now, I wanted to get some more shut eye before whatever was coming my way tomorrow.
Sebastian mumbled in his sleep before turning on his side and wrapping his arm around me. I placed a kiss on his lips before letting my exhaustion take me over once again.