Subject: Edward Cullen aka The Womanizer
Chapter Twenty-Six – Left Behind
Bella before Edward left
"Do you love me, Bella?" he asked warily, seemingly afraid of the answer. How could he doubt me? No one could feign what we had. I had thought I made myself clear, every confession of love to him, sincere.
"I do," I answered, imploring him to see the truth in my eyes. Though his eyes meet mine, I could see the devastation the truth had brought to him. See the truth, Edward. I loved him and I knew I always would. A part of me feared that he might not have felt the same for me in the light of his discovery. I feared he'd leave me and our baby, when we needed him.
I heard him sigh and his feet shift on the floor. Oh God – no! The moment he rose to his feet, I knew of his decision. Feeling lost, hollow, a fucking husk of my former self, I feel the press of his lips on my forehead lingered for the briefest of moments.
And then he was gone. I waited a length of a few beats of my heart, before I released a strangled sob.
He left me. He was gone. Though I deserved that, our baby didn't. In a way it showed me that love wasn't enough. And that every time things got tough between us, he'd run. That sealed the fucking deal.
It was over. I would not cry another tear for someone who'd leave me in this type of situation again. Once was enough. Once was too much. Fuck him. We don't need him. Keep lying to yourself, you've done it before.
Alice walked in shortly after he left and when she looked at me, she gasped. At first I wasn't sure what she saw that caused that reaction, but I realized it when she spoke.
"Just give him time, Bella."
Ah, I looked fucking pissed. I shook my head. "No."
"Bella, please you have to understand –"she started, but I cut her off.
"Oh, I understand that he's fucking hurting. I understand it perfectly. He feels betrayed and probably fucking abandoned." I ran my free hand over my face and into my hair, tugging at it lightly. "Well guess what, so do I. He did some awful fucking things tonight. He went too damn far with that earring stint. Then he comes here just to leave again, even after I tell him about his baby. No, Alice it's fucking over. Even if he's willing to forgive me, doesn't mean I will."
Liar. Damn, my heart even knew there was a sliver of a lie in my words.
I closed my eyes and tried to remain calm before I exploded and let all my anger out. I had to, because I had more to worry about than just myself. I had to prepare myself for what was to come. I needed surgery, to recover, and then needed to tie up loose ends here. Then I was gone, I couldn't remain in Seattle. If Edward wanted to be a part of our baby's life he'd have to make the first move.
"You know he will." No matter how angry I was, a part of me knew he wouldn't abandon our child, not after what happened with his parents. I also knew that this – the baby and our failed relationship – was what he feared most. Something he had always avoided before I had come into his life.
His feelings about this were no longer my concern. He left, and he'd probably do it again. Why make it harder by staying in Seattle? In three months I'd be touring for my latest book. I mentally calculated how much money I could get together by the end of my tour. I wasn't going to come back to Seattle.
Jordan
It was fucking late and my God damn cell phone was ringing. I looked at my alarm clock and groaned at the time. I picked up my phone and noticed it was Jacob. I answered, "It's three in the damn morning, there better be a good reason."
"Bella's the hospital, Jordan," his voice said firmly with no hint of humor.
He wasn't fucking with me. My baby sister was in the hospital. "Why, Jacob?"
"Her iron hit practically rock bottom again and she's having a transfusion."
That made sense, since it had happened before a few years previously. Nessie had to take her to the hospital once when she visited Bella in California. "How serious is she right now?" I sat up, using my upper body strength on the headboard of the bed and turned on the light, causing Julie to stir beside me.
"I'm not sure how bad, but they'll be keeping her over night. Um, Jordan there's more. She has to have surgery."
I sighed. Bella had explained to us last year that her fibroids were out of control and that she'd soon have to consider a hysterectomy. She didn't want to because she wanted children eventually. We all felt so bad for her, she went through this depression period and we practically forced her to move here.
"All right, Julie and I will head up there. We decided to stay at a local hotel nearby. Which hospital are you at?"
A little over an hour later Julie and I were greeting Edward's family and Bella's friends in the waiting room. I didn't think anything about the fact that Edward wasn't sitting in the waiting room. He had to be with Bella, obviously.
I maneuvered my chair toward her room which Alice pointed out to me, though something in her eyes told me things were worse than I thought. I needed to see for myself though. Quickly, I rolled in and found my sister, lying on the bed, tiny and frail. I groaned internally. I fucking hated seeing her like this. It reminded me so much of the times when she'd close herself off the rest of the world.
She once told me what happens when that happened. When she explained, I understood why it was so hard to come back to reality. It was her perfect world.
The last time she closed herself up; she was with my parents, who were still alive. I'd been walking, and Brianna happily married with two kids running around. It was her vision of what her life should be like. If I hadn't gone and fucked it up.
Instead she was lying on that hospital bed. For some reason, a flash of pain etched her face in her sleep. And I knew she was reliving something. The problem was what? There were so many bad memories to relive; my almost lifeless body, Brianna shooting herself, losing our parents on our birthday and the loss of Daniel, a patient. Any one of those occurrences would send anyone else into a spiraling depression. Not my sister though, but I sometimes wondered if it was all an act.
I rolled closer to the bed, careful not to run something over or bump into it. I sat as close as I could beside her and brushed her pale cheek with the back of my hand.
"Baby sister," I whispered, with no intention of waking her up. I wanted her to rest. She had a big day the following morning, with surgery, but I wanted to know she was all right.
"Only by three minutes, bro," she said softly, but with a bit of cheek. I chuckled and brushed an errand strand of hair from her forehead.
"Ah, sleeping beauty awakens," I teased gently. I used to call her that all the time, and she hated it. She never was into the whole princess and girly business, but she wasn't a morning person at all. I blamed being surrounded by Dad, Jacob—when we let the poor bastard—and Jasper, she had the tom boy personality during our childhood.
Mom tried to put her in dresses when she was younger, but by the end of the day her stockings would be torn and her dress full of mud. She loved to try to play baseball and football with us. We always let her have a homerun or a touchdown.
God, I missed those days. Not because I could walk and run back then, but because Bella once loved me unconditionally. The slight look of pain in her eyes hadn't been there every time she looked at me then either. When she looked at me since the shooting, she saw my bloody body and Brianna's. I hadn't thought about how much it affected her, at least not the part about me. She had confessed to me about it shortly after a catatonic spell she had a few years ago.
"Hey, what has you thinking so hard, Jordan?" Damn, she always knew when something was bothering me. It was like a sixth sense of hers, because of it, I could never lie to her. If I even tried, she would see right through me.
"Just thinking about old times, sis," I said somewhat cryptically. I kissed her forehead, procuring a wide smile from her. There was the Bella I knew.
I smiled back, feeling a little better about her. If she smiled, she would be okay soon enough. It was then, that I realized something. "Where's, Edward?" I thought he would be there, in fact in the very chair I sat on.
She let out a strangled sob but shook her head and tried to push back her pain. Why the fuck was she in pain? What the fuck did that bastard do to my sister? She must have caught what I was thinking. I was one to always wear my emotions on my face.
"Calm down." She squeezed my hand briefly. "Going after him isn't going to change anything," she said quietly, biting into her lower lip. She only did that when she was nervous. "Not sure I'd want him to come back anyway."
"What happened?" Edward was the first person I saw her really open up to; I thought that she had found the one meant for her. Not even Jacob had given her the look of pure contentment and happiness that Edward brought her. What could have possibly ruined the pure and obvious love they had for each other?
Bella
My brother sat in his chair, looking a combination of worry and anger. No doubt the latter was aimed toward Edward. However, it wasn't what I wanted. Edward's anger was warranted and I deserved it. I knew what I had to do as I laid there before Jordan. I caused him so much pain, and it was only going to get worse.
I sat there and asked him not to interrupt me. He nodded, but I could see the questions in his eyes. I proceeded to tell him everything. I started with Jacob and how this all began, then I worked my way up to Julian, Mark, Daniel, Chris, Reese, Jared, William, and Mike. Jordan sat there quietly; his emotions never crossed his face, which was very unusual for him. He seemed still as a statue.
"Edward was going to be my last subject," I said softly, fidgeting with my fingers on my lap. "Alice called me and set up a meeting. He was my worst case. I wanted to do this for his family. They were so worried about him. Frankly, I was worried more about them at the time. His actions affected all of them in some way. So I took his case. The only problem was I was instantly attracted to him. I should have stepped away from the case right then and there. But I didn't. I think I mainly wanted to see what we could become, and I feared what would happen once I told him the truth. I fell in love with him in a week, maybe less. I closed the case with his family and even returned the money."
I sighed and took a few deep breaths. I proceeded to tell him why the truth hadn't come out sooner and how Edward found out. I mentioned the Gala, but not specifics. I had no idea how he'd handle what Edward had done at the Gala. Despite my anger toward Edward, I didn't want Jordan hating him unjustly.
"He came here, after his family told him I was in the hospital and that it was serious. But he couldn't handle it, I think. Maybe he needed time, so he left."
Jordan let out deep breath and averted his eyes from mine. I hated when he did that, since it was my only way to decipher what he was thinking.
"Alice and Jacob said there are some complications with your surgery tomorrow."
I sniffled a little, not realizing I'd been crying. With a swipe of my hand across my cheek, I felt the moisture there. I thought I'd been all cried out after Daniel died and Edward's departure. Apparently, I wasn't. I nodded to confirm what Jordan had said. His eye met mine, waiting for more.
"I'm pregnant," I said.
Jordan's eyes flashed with anger. "You cheated on him," he sneered.
"No!" God, does everyone think I'm some kind of whore now?
Jordan took several deep breaths. He looked up at me and opened his mouth to say something, but snapped it shut. Several more times, he had done that, wanting to say something. He was at a complete loss for words it seemed.
"I have to go," he said firmly and wheeled around and left.
And just like that, one of the two most important men in my life had left me after the first had done the same. I understood their reasons. They left me, they left me, I repeated, a litany in my already confused mind. After everything I had done, after all the love I poured into both of my relationships with them. They still chose to leave me, I guessed I deserved it. I succumbed to sleep a while later. I needed to rest. I needed to get through the following day, at the very least.
~oOo~
I felt someone wrap a blood pressure monitor around my arm, the harsh sound Velcro interrupting my sleep. "Ms. Swan, we're going to start prepping you for surgery, now."
I nodded and allowed the nurses and doctors do what needed to be done. I heard Edward's family all tell me that they loved me. They hadn't abandoned me – yet. I asked, "Has he called?" They knew who I was talking about.
"No, sweetheart," Carlisle answered, placing a kiss on my cheek before they wheeled me into the operation room. Edward hadn't even call to check on me. I still couldn't find it in myself to hate him.
"Bella, I'm going to start administering your anesthesia. Start counting backward from a hundred."
With my eyes already closed to the bright lights overhead, I felt something being placed over my face. I felt both of my arms laid to each side of me, my IV a constant itch in my hand. There was a soft sound from the whir of machines around me, the insistent sound of the beeps from others.
I nodded, acknowledging the man who spoke to me. "Hundred…ninety-nine…" I felt something cloud my vision. "Ninety-eight, ninety-seven, ninety- six," then the darkness fell over my eyes and I welcomed it.
~oOo~
I felt weightless. I felt like I was floating, but I wasn't really aware of what was going on. A distant voice was the only thing that broke through the fogginess. "He's ignoring all our calls. He's gone. He took the jet to California." I stopped listening. It wasn't something I wanted to listen to, a reminder of what I lost.
The next thing I knew, I sat, wrapped up in a warm blanket curled up on my couch. When I felt someone poke my arm beside me, chuckling, I jumped up a bit.
"You seemed lost there for a second, love." Edward smiled his crooked smiled and laughed again as my lost expression.
What is he doing here? I couldn't place the feeling of grief and loss. I shouldn't be upset, because I was happy. I smiled at him and shook my head.
He returned his attention to the TV and laughed. "Are you going to be that bitchy like Rachel, when you turn thirty?" He looked at me with a delectable smirk.
I glared at him, mockingly. "You're turning thirty first, fucker."
He shrugged his shoulders. "Don't bother me one bit."
"And why is that, champ?" I asked, laying my head on his shoulder.
"Well, I have accomplished everything I wanted to already. And few more things I hadn't expected." He grinned, placing a chaste kiss on my forehead.
"And what were those unexpected things?" I smiled, already knowing the answer. But it was still nice to hear.
"Well let's see. I didn't expect to fall madly in love with this gorgeous brunette. I didn't expect to marry her in less than a year after meeting her. I also didn't expect to be a daddy."
I grinned as he placed his hands on the little baby bump I had. I was already five months pregnant but I was barely showing. His large hands started rubbing my tummy in soothing circles.
He shifted so that, he was sitting on his knees in front of me, singing to our little girl. "You're my sunshine on a cloudy day."
I felt tears spill from my eyes as I watched the love of my life serenade my tummy. After completing the song, he kissed my stomach a few times and whispered that he loved his little girl and her mommy so much. I laughed at him and ran my fingers through his hair.
"I don't know why she's just staring off like that," I heard Alice say, distantly. "Is this what she's like when she goes into catatonic state?"
I looked around the room wondering where she came from and where she was hiding. What the hell was she talking about?
"What's the matter, love?" Edward asked, pulling me onto his lap. His hands were already making the thought of Alice leave my mind. I shook my head. I didn't know. I guess I was hearing things.
I shook it off and wrapped my arms around my husband's neck. I kissed his forehead and each of his cheeks. I continued to place small butterfly kisses everywhere on his angelic face and then along his jaw and down his neck.
"Love, you're undermining my control," he protested feebly.
"I want you to lose control, you brute." I grinned as I saw the flash of lust fill his eyes.
"You really shouldn't have said that," he said in a low seductive voice. I couldn't help the delicious shiver that ran straight from the top of my head all the way to the tips of my toes.
I yelped from the sudden movement as he lifted me in his arms and ran to the bedroom. I giggled the whole way, tugging on his hair just the way he liked. I licked the shell if his ear and earned a sexy deep groan.
I grinned mischievously when he gave me a glare, but he just placed me gently on the bed. I shook my head, jumping off the bed and ran to the lonely brown leather Tantra chair that sat in the corner of our bedroom.
He grinned at me and cocked his eyebrows suggestively. That's right, tiger. I want a ride.
At some point I had fallen asleep, since the next thing I awoke to breakfast in bed. I smiled as my handsome husband fed me some fruit, loving the heated look in his eyes. For some reason, the strawberries sort of tasted off, but I ignored it. It was then when I heard a distant voice, as Edward placed a piece of fruit against my lips.
"She's barely eating," I heard Nessie whisper from behind me. "If I don't feed her, she doesn't eat."
"Did you hear that?" I asked, looking at Edward.
He cocked an eyebrow in confusion. "Hear what, love?" I looked around the room, I couldn't figure out where her voice had come from. Am I hearing things? Edward, clearly on a mission to distract me, started to nibble on my neck, forcing everything outside of us to disappear.
Days passed in wonderful bliss. I was so thankful that we decided to take some time off to ourselves. We spent most of the time in our apartment, alone, spent together in various states of undress and laziness. It was fucking amazing and I loved every minute of it.
We returned to work, loving every aspect of my job. In my position, I found that I was finally doing what I really wanted to do—helping others. I still had my practice and my books, but I was helping people and reaching so many, thanks to Cullen and Cullen Inc.
I looked around my office and loved the pleasant beach like color scheme that Alice and Esme had it decorated in. We all agreed that we needed sponsors and donators to feel relaxed when they came to see me. It helped a lot, since funding seemed to coming easy. Though I felt that had more to do with the generosity of those associated with the company.
The groundbreaking for the second shelter was the following week, so I decided to work on my speech. I looked up when I heard a knock on my door. When I checked the time, I realized that I wasn't expecting anyone for a meeting. And Eleanor, my secretary hadn't announced anyone.
That left only one conclusion – Edward. The sneaky ass, he'd been insatiable since we found out we were pregnant. Then again, he had been insatiable since the start of our relationship. Not that I'm going to complain. I grinned and decided to make him wait. He knocked again, a little more urgently.
"Come in," I said firmly. Since I knew it was him, I hadn't looked up. As he entered, I felt his presence nearby, and I heard the click of the lock. I internally smirked. Work for it, fucker. I heard the gentle flutter of the window blinds as they closed, one by one. He wanted privacy for whatever he had in mind. I had doubts that it included business. The jerk. Sexy Jerk. Yeah, I'm insatiable, too. Who could blame me?
"B, please you have to snap out of it," Jasper pleaded in my ear. I felt lips press on my forehead from some unknown source. What the hell? Holy fuck, I'm losing it. I felt warm breath against the back of my neck as Edward brushed my hair aside. His lips distracted me enough for Jasper's disembodied voice to be shoved to the back of my mind.
"Mrs. Cullen, do you have time for me now? Or should I make an appointment?" Edward whispered in my ear.
I tried to bite back the grin that threatened to make an appearance. "Well my time is valuable, Mr. Cullen. You should have considered calling to make an appointment rather assuming. I might've been in a meeting."
He growled against the skin, taking a small bite. I yelped softly, earning a chuckle. Though I leveled him a glare, I was greeted with bright excited green eyes. I couldn't even pretend to be mad at him. My fingers curled at the back of his neck, pulling his mouth against my own. With a guttural groan, Edward fell to his knees in front of me. Unable to resist the prone position, I tugged his hair to bring him closer. His hands started to roam up my legs to take a hold of my hips. I moaned when I felt his fingers tease me beneath my skirt.
He started to pull back, but I tugged him closer. "Mmm, someone's greedy today," he said smugly. I growled against his smirk, taking over the kiss, deepening it. It was a good way to get him to stop talking. This isn't the time for talking, champ.
His glorious hands undid the buttons of my jacket and blouse quickly. My hands slid from his hair and glided over his sinuous arms and chest. One by one, I slipped each button off, knowing that he'd get impatient. Sure enough, within moments, he loosened and removed his tie. However, I refused to be rushed, slowing my fingers along his buttons.
That pissed him off. Glaring at me, he stood up and stripped down to his boxers in record time. I cocked my eyebrows at him, grinning. "Looks like I'm not the only one greedy." I bit my lip and smirked.
Edward playfully growled and pounced. Fingers curled around my hips, lifting me onto my desk. His hands hurried and bunched my skirt up around my waist, tearing my favorite blue panties from me. Before I could protest, he thrust two fingers inside me. Forgetting myself, I threw my head back and moaned deeply. His hand fell over my mouth, Edward's eyes dark and hooded.
When I nodded, thanking him silently for reminding me that I had to be quiet, he started on my neck. Nipping and licking at me, we worked together to remove my blouse and bra. The moment my breasts were exposed, Edward groaned, bent forward and took one of my pebbled nipples into his warm mouth.
My hips moved to the same rhythm he set with his long fingers. I moaned in pleasure as he was quickly brought me to the brink. I held on to his strong arms as I felt the tightening in my abdomen coil, ready to spring. Before I let go, his wonderful lips descended on mine, stifling my scream.
Edward allowed me to catch my breath for a few moments, resting my head on his chest. I felt his whole body shake slightly. The ass was laughing, I looked up at him and sure enough that smug ass look of his was upon his face. He loved to watch me let go, plus it was like a pat on his back. Ass.
Ah, I'll let it go this time. My hands trailed down his chest and down the trail of dark hair that led to…Oh what did we have here? He groaned, bucking his hips toward me. He threw his head back, his breath ragged, eyes closed as I stroked him. Unable to resist him any longer – when was I resisting – I pushed his boxers down. His cock sprang free, eliciting a sigh of relief from Edward. To tease him further, I only allowed the tip to touch me. He growled and swatted my hands away and he thrust hard inside me.
I moaned and propped myself on my hands behind me. He wasn't having any of that shit; he always wanted me as close as possible. Edward wrapped my arms around his neck, grasped my hips, and whispered, "Hold on."
I groaned and nodded, wanting to move against him. He lifted me off the desk and he stood up straight. Even though he barely moved, the angle and deep penetration was glorious. Using his upper body strength, he held me and had me wrap my legs around him. I realized what he was doing and knew it would be amazing. With our eyes locked on each other, he lifted me up then slammed me back down. We both grunted and groaned.
God, he was strong. All while standing, he kept up with his lifting and slamming my body down on him. After several minutes, he somehow managed to walk to the door of my personal bathroom and pushed me up against it. His mouth closed over mine, his soft, warm tongue, caressing against mine.
Edward pounded into me over and over again. I felt the coil again and it sprung. To keep from screaming out loud, I bit into his shoulder. He was relentless. He kept going and going. It reminded me so much of something, but I couldn't remember what. His fingers gripped me tightly, likely causing bruises. I couldn't bring myself to care, it felt fucking glorious.
His groans and grunts became huskier and more frequent. He was close. I wanted him to reach the high we could only bring to each other. I started to lick his neck and his ear. I whispered, "Come for me."
He grunted and slammed into two more times then I felt him still and fill me. I threw my head back, reaching another peak and falling over it. With a soft, but satisfied smile, Edward carried me into the bathroom. Once he sat me on the counter, he took the time to clean me up. The simple act caused him to get hard again.
"Sorry," I said softly. "But I have a meeting with someone in about fifteen minutes. So this," I grabbed his hardening cock, "is going to have to play nice until we get home." He groaned and pouted. I shook my head and kissed his pout.
"I love you, Bella," he said softly, pressing a kiss to my lips.
"I l…"
"You're not having her committed, Nessie," Jasper said angrily. Who the fuck was getting committed? I looked at Edward who was all smiles as he laid kisses at my exposed neck.
"Bella," he whispered. He looked confused, no that look in his eyes was worry. Did he hear Jasper, too? Edward took my face in his hands; his face was etched with worry. "Did I hurt you?" he asked, looking into my eyes. His hands roamed over my body, when he found nothing wrong, his hands stopped at my stomach.
"My baby," he whispered. For some reason, the way he said that, scared me.
~oOo~
Days passed and I finally looked like I was pregnant. My feet were sore from my last work out. I wanted to stay as healthy as possible, so I signed up for special trainer during pregnancy. I was taking my vitamins and my iron. It was all so important to make sure our baby was healthy.
The thing that hadn't help was my cravings. Poor Edward, it was three-thirty in the morning and I insisted on Chinese food. Was there a place open this late? I had no idea. At one point, I must've dozed off on the couch as I waited for him to return when I swore I heard him.
"How long has she been like this?" It was Edward, but he sounded angry and distant. There were ghostly whispers of other voices but all I heard was Edward. Why can't I open my eyes?
"…committed. Are you crazy? That will kill her." Edward was still angry. Why was he angry? I wanted to cry. I couldn't get to him, to calm him. I couldn't hold him. "Her fiancée," he growled. Fiancée? Why was he calling himself that? I was his wife, he was my husband. What the fuck was going on?
I felt myself floating still unable to see. Why can't I see? I heard the menace in his voice. "Fuck off, Alice. I can take care of my family."
Disoriented, I awoke the following morning. Edward was sitting beside me in nothing but his boxers with a big grin on his face. "I know that look. You did something bad didn't you?" Edward looked at me innocently, even batting his long lashes, feigning ignorance.
I rolled my eyes. He grinned one more time and lifted me off the bed before I could stop him. He carefully placed me on the couch, and proceeded to play some classical music. Edward turned, holding something for me. It looked familiar a red leather box. I cocked an eyebrow in question.
"It's not that big of a deal, I swear," he said warily. "It's something I think you deserve. You've done so much for me." He kissed my lips and knelt in front of me, placing the little box on my knees.
When I opened the box, I gasped. Inside were beautiful diamond earnings. However, it wasn't a gasp of surprise or even happiness. It was a gasp a pain. They looked familiar for a reason. I knew that reason.
I'd been kidding myself. They weren't real, for this wasn't real. I looked up at my Edward. He looked so happy and so full of love. He wasn't my Edward. The music playing was another reminder that this wasn't real. The earrings, a reminder of what I have done.
Edward caressed my tummy and whispered his love to me and our unborn child. This was a reminder that Edward would never do that. He didn't love me enough, because he left, not only me, but our child, too. None of it was real. I kissed my Edward tenderly and he returned it eagerly. Before I allowed it to pull me back into the dream, I pulled away. It was time for me to awaken.
Edward
Talk about hardcore shock therapy. Sitting beside me was the love of my life. Bella sat, staring out the window with soulless eyes. It was what my rash decisions had done to those I loved the most.
We finally arrived at her building and I managed to carry her up to her apartment. No questions were asked by security; my guess was that someone had notified them of her hospital stay. Once I reached our apartment, I sat her down on the couch in the living room.
She hadn't stirred, remaining terribly silent. I brushed an errant strand of hair away from her face. Nothing changed in her eyes or her face on the drive back from the hospital. I whispered to her continually that I loved her and that I was sorry for leaving her, but she hadn't uttered a word.
Dressed in a terrible hospital gown and little white panties, I knew she would want to change. I picked her up and walked into the bed room. Her hair was damp; they must have bathed her at the hospital. I found her favorite pair of yoga pants and a tank top, dressing her quickly. When she still hadn't said or given me reason to believe that she had come back to me, I carried her back to the living room.
Placing her down on the couch, I knelt down in front of her and took her face in my hands. Her eyes were blank, emotionless. Not what I was used to. I hated that look. I hated seeing her like that. I did this to her. Again. After I promised I wouldn't leave her again. After I promised I would listen when I was ready to hear the truth. After she told me that she loved me. I still chose to walk away.
I had done that to her. How could I think that she didn't love me? It has been written all over her face. It had been in her eyes, in her touch, in every kiss and in every breath of ecstasy when she was in my arms.
I left her. I broke my promises, and I broke her. Not once did she tell me that she didn't love me. Not once did she tell me that she had to leave. Not once did she walk away from me.
With her face still in my hands, her eyes started to fill with tears. I had no idea why she was starting to cry suddenly. It scared me, as a sob escaped her lips. "It's not real," she whispered. Her eyes softened, glazed from her tears.
"Baby, I'm here," I said, kissing her forehead.
Bella shook her head, and then I felt her hands on my chest. She pushed me away. I shook my head and went back to her, but she pushed me away again. No! Before I could beg her to let me hold her, she jumped off the couch. She walked toward her bedroom and looked around the room as if she was lost.
Following closely, so fucking scared of the look of despair in her eyes. She appeared to be looking for something. She let out strangled sob and fell to her knees. "It wasn't real!" she screamed, clutching her hair, her body rocking back and forth.
I had no idea what she was talking about but I knelt behind her, wrapping my arms around her. She sobbed uncontrollably in my arms. I sobbed with her, unable to hold back. I hurt her, too much. I'd broken her.
She started to sing softly, in between the sobs that shuddered through her body. "You're my sunshine on a cloudy day." Over and over again, but I had no idea why. I wanted to know, but she wouldn't answer any of my questions. I tried to sing along with her but she only cried harder. I had no idea why! I was at a lost on what to do for her.
Time seemed to have lost all relevance, I had no idea how long we sat there on the floor. Pain barely registered in my knees from being on them for so long. The only that broke through my senses was the broken woman in my arms.
She mumbled something, but I couldn't make out. "What?" I whispered in her ear, my lips ghosting over her skin.
"I hate you."
I stiffened around her and I felt my heart break. I'm too late. I'd done too much damage. "I'm sorry, Bella." She shook her head but didn't say anything. We both remained quiet for several more minutes before I felt her squirm in my grip.
After I loosened my hold on her, and she stood up on shaky legs. She continued to try to push me away, but I didn't allow her to leave the iron grip of my arms. I needed to hold her, and I knew deep down she needed me to hold her. Within moments the fight left her and she slumped in my arms.
"Love," I whispered.
She whimpered, "Don't."
I tried to broach a different subject and I was curious. "Tell me where you went."
"To an alternate universe where we were both happy and married," she replied softly. "Where you wanted me, our baby and you sang to my tummy every day." Her usually sweet and sensual voice was hoarse and low, cracking with small sobs.
Suddenly, she clutched my shirt and screamed against my chest. I felt as tear after tear left her eyes, but I held her tighter. Her hands pushed at me, time and time again. When I didn't let her go, she pounded my chest, and still I held her. I wanted her to let it out. She needed it. I needed it.
"You left me! You left us! How could you? When I needed you the most, you left us!"
With one final hard push against me, I stumbled away from her. Her face was back to the same pained look I'd seen when I Googled her. The same one from the news footage of when she was held by her father after Brianna's death. The same face she had as my sister carried her away at the Gala and when I left her a week previously. The same expression she had that would be forever etched in my memory.
Her hand shot up and she grabbed the wall for support. When I stepped toward her, her grave voice made it clear she didn't or want my assistance. Slowly she made her way to the bathroom, closing the door behind her.
After a moment I heard her get sick, retching terribly. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water, and moments later I found her sprawled on the floor.
She looked up at me. "Reality sucks. I didn't get sick in my world." Sounds fucking perfect, love. No wonder you didn't want to leave. She held up her hand, asking for help. After I helped her to her feet, she took the glass from me and sipped some water.
She looked in the mirror over the sink and touched her cheeks. "God, I look like shit." Averting her gaze, she grabbed her toothbrush. Then her stomach growled. "Ugh…I guess I'm hungry," she said sheepishly.
I grinned, hoping to entice one from her. She didn't smile back, but kept her eyes on me. "I'll make you something." She nodded and returned her attention on getting cleaned up. I sighed and closed the door behind me. I walked into the kitchen.
Had I been hearing things? Hadn't she said she hated me? She had hit me over and over again, though that barely compared to what she must feel. Her mood swings and anger were all over the place. Not that I didn't understand that. I felt so many different emotions since I picked up. There was anger, confusion, love, and doubt – so much doubt.
God, what if she was pretending again? I didn't want to pretend anymore. I wanted us to be real. I needed us to be real.
I took out a few things to make omelets like she taught me. Moments later, I felt her enter the kitchen, pulling out a cutting board and took out a knife to chop the other ingredients. I sighed. Had she any idea how good it felt to do something so simple and normal for us?
"What day is it?" she asked.
"It's December twentieth, love," I said calmly.
"Please don't call me that." We continued for a few more minutes, preparing everything. "One week is the longest spell I've had since Brianna died."
"Do they happen often?" I knew of the short spells she had after Daniel died, but I'd always managed to pull her out of those.
She shook her head. "I had one a few years ago when I cut my hand at dinner while I was with Jordan and Julie. I just closed up. I think it's just my minds way of protecting itself."
"Do you dream the whole time?"
"I think so, but time seems to move differently when that happens. I don't understand why this one took so long. You brought me back from all the ones that were threatening to take over when Daniel died." She stopped what she was doing and looked at me. "Wait, did you just go get me?"
I looked at her worried that I'd make her angry again. She must've seen the answer in my face. "Asshole," she mumbled. Her face flushed red and I could tell she was trying to stop from lashing out. "Did you even fucking check on us?" she hissed through gritted teeth.
I shook my head. She dropped the knife and backed away. "Then why are you here" she screamed, her eyes filling with tears again. She wiped at them furiously, as if she hated to show how vulnerable she really was.
"I want to be here, Bella!"
She shook her head and clutched her stomach. "Fuck!" Her eyes widened before she turned on her heels and ran to the bathroom. I groaned, but continued to finish the omelets. I knew she wouldn't want me with her. A few minutes later, I plated an omelet when Bella walked back into the kitchen.
"I need to eat first, and then we'll talk."
I nodded and handed her a plate. She sat on the kitchen island where I left a table napkin and glass of orange juice. I sat beside her and we ate quietly. After several minutes, Bella spoke, "I told Jordan everything." I looked up at her; her face was crumpled up in pain. "He left me, too."
She had told me before that we were the two most important people in her life. I couldn't imagine what she felt when she realized that we may never come back. I took her hand in my own. "I'm sorry I left you like that, Bella."
"You didn't just leave me, Edward. You left our baby." She paused and looked as if she was thinking. "I know you're confused and angry, but I thought you loved me enough to stay. Stay at least until you knew everything was fine."
"It was all too much."
Her fork dropped on her plate before she pushed it away. She had barely eaten. "Do you think I didn't know it was too much? Of course it was too much for you to handle. That's why you fucking ran."
Angrily, I stood up and took our plates to the sink. I hated that she fucking hit the mark perfectly. I'd run from everything when it came to personal relationships. "It was the only thing I could think of doing. If I had stayed, I would have said or done something I'd regret later!"
"Oh, like say something like, 'Tell her to take care of it?'" she screamed.
"That's not what I meant and you know it."
"I don't anything right now," she cried out. "I don't know if you're back for me or out of a sense of obligation. I don't know if you love me. I don't know if you'd run again." Before I could respond, she walked into the living room.
There was something she had to understand. "I won't leave you again…"
She cut me off. "Save it, Edward. You've said that before."
"At least I haven't told you that I hated you!"
"You did, Edward," she said hoarsely, as emotion coated her words. "You did when you gave me quarter of a million dollar diamond earrings for servicing you."
Fuck. "Well you did too when you made me think for a minute that I fucking raped you!"
She flinched. "I tried to go back and right that, but they wouldn't let me." I ran my fingers through my hair roughly. "Edward, I'm so tired. I don't want this anymore." She looked at me with soft glistening eyes.
"This?" I asked. The softness of her voice worried me, instantly dousing my anger again.
"As in fighting with each other," she replied. "As in you leaving again, because I won't survive when you do."
I knew it was useless to try to convince her that I wasn't going anywhere. However, I had to know something.
"I just need you to answer something." She nodded, biting her lip. "In the videos, you said once that your other subjects never fell in love with the real you. They fell in love with the Bella you created for them." She sighed and sat on the couch. "Which Bella did I fall in love with?"
She patted the couch beside her. When I sat down she placed her head on my shoulder. Unable to resist, I pressed my lips to the top of her head.
"If you had asked me that last week I would've said the real me," she replied softly. When I tensed, she soothed me by pressing a kiss on my neck. "But I don't know anymore." I sighed and when she looked up at me, she smiled timidly.
"For the last six years, I've done everything I can to help everyone around me. But in doing so I neglected myself. I didn't allow myself to fall in love. I wasn't even going to take your case. I wanted to step away from that aspect of my life. I wanted the real thing. But I think at the same time, I wasn't ready to accept it.
"But your case was special. You were hurting everyone around you with your actions. I couldn't stand the sadness in Alice's voice. So I took it. And when you entered my life, I fought against my feels at first. I tried to deny it, but I couldn't. I barely lied to you, Edward, but there were some half-truths. When I knew I was in too deep, I found that I didn't want to lie to you. I wanted to tell you after our first night together. But your family insisted I wait. Wait to make sure your feelings for me were real. "
I had no idea what would've happen if she told me then. Would I have forgiven her? My family stopped her from telling me. They stopped her from dropping my case earlier. I had no idea how to feel about that. Maybe if I'd known earlier we could've avoided all the pain.
"I don't want to talk about my family right now," I said firmly, averting my eyes from hers. Bella had to be aware how much it hurt that my own family had been a part of it. The only people I let in betrayed me. And because of her, I had opened my heart to them more. That fact hurt me, too.
"I know you feel betrayed by them and by me," she said softly, nuzzling shoulder. "They thought what they were doing was right. Back then, I thought it was the right therapy for you. But now I think I just created a mask."
"No, Bella I'd taken off my mask and my armor after I met you. I used to wear it every day to protect myself to keep others from hurting me. But in wearing that mask and armor, I failed to see that I was hurting everyone."
"You put that mask back on the night of the gala," she pointed out.
"I thought it was my only way of pushing through the pain," I said, running my fingers through her hair. It'd been a comforting gesture for the both of us.
"I didn't really fight," she said softly. "I thought if I let you leave, even push you away that you would get over what I did and get over me that much quicker."
"God, we suck," I said.
"When we fight, we fight."
"When we hurt, we hurt," I countered. When we both fell silent, I tried to relish the fact that she was with me. Allowing me to hold her despite everything we'd been through.
"Are we going to pretend this didn't happen?" she asked.
"No, we can't go back to pretending anymore," I said warily, wishing partly that it was still possible. She hummed in agreement. "What do you want, Bella?" I asked, placing another kiss on her head, wrapping an arm around her.
"To be happy," she whispered as she shifted enough to lay her head on my chest. I sighed deeply and fully wrapped my arms around her.
"I can make you happy, love." She whimpered at my term of endearment, and I knew then she wasn't ready to hear it. "Can we try starting over from the beginning?"
"Ha! I think it's a little too late for that," Bella said, chuckling slightly. "Or did you forget I'm knocked up."
"Okay, not starting over but maybe we could try again."
"I don't know, Edward. I can't handle it again. Our baby needs for me to be healthy and strong. If you leave again, I'll bury myself in my world and refuse to come out. The only reason I came out now is because you came for me. What if you next time you choose not to?"
"I won't leave again, Bella." We remained quiet for several minutes, both processing everything in our minds. My mind was so unsure still. One side of my mind questioned everything Bella said and remained cautious. The other side, the Bella voice told me to let go and love her. My heart agreed with the Bella voice.
"Why don't we both just think about it? I think that if we both say yes now it may not be honest." I pulled away slightly, and looked at her in confusion. "Edward, I don't know why you're here. You say it's because you love me, but what if in a few months you decide it was all about the baby."
She was as confused as I was, maybe cautious of me, because I had hurt her too much, too many times. However, I had to make it clear to her, that despite my mind being in utter chaos, there was one thing that neither half of my thoughts doubted. I loved her.
"Damn it, Bella. I love you, even after everything."
She shook her head and pried herself from my arms. She stood and started to pace in front of me. "How can you sit there and say that. You should hate me. I want you to yell at me and scream at me!" She threw her hands up in the air frustrated at my seemingly calm demeanor.
"I don't want to do that right now," I said, shrugging my shoulders as I tried to remain calm.
"I'm not some fragile little girl. I need you to be angry at me. I deserve it."
"I've done enough," I spat with venom, because I hated hearing that she felt that she deserved that shit I'd done to her. The marks I'd put on her. "And you are fragile." Her phone suddenly rang. "Ignore it," I growled.
She eyed it and looked at the caller id. "I have to take this," she whispered. My eyes narrowed but I nodded. It better not be my fucking family.
"Jacob," she answered. I growled and jumped off the couch. She looked at me with widened eyes. "Yes, I'm home now." Her eyes were on me as I approached her. I pressed the speakerphone button on the main unit.
"Are you all right now, Bells?"
"Yes, Jake. I'm fine," Bella answered.
"You know I'm really sorry about this, Bells."
"You should be sorry, mutt," I growled.
"You're still there, Cullen?"
"I'm not going anywhere, Black."
"You did and you may again," Jacob replied. "When you do –"
I cut him off. "What Jake? You'll come in to save the fucking day? Take my place?"
"No, I'm just going to remind you how much you hurt Bella every time you run."
I was about to hang up but Bella placed her hand on mine and shook her head. "Is Nessie with you?" she asked.
"No, Bella she's not. You need to call her. She's with Alice and the whole family is worried sick about you."
"I'll call them. Jake, have you heard from Jordan?"
"Nah, Bells. I'm sorry. Billy said that he didn't go into therapy yesterday."
Bella sighed and tears filled her eyes. I tried to hold her, but she shook her head as she stepped way. "Shit. What a fucking mess," Bella said, looking defeated.
"A mess that could've been avoided," I said grimly.
"Look Cullen, I have some idea of what you're going through right now. But believe me running away is not going to solve anything."
"I know that, Black. But this wouldn't have happened if you didn't fucking meddle."
"Yeah, but the only reason your family did this was because you were an asshole. Still are but that's another story."
"As I was going to say, before I was interrupted, Bella, what are you going to do? Don't tell me you're going to forgive him this easily."
"Black, mind your fucking business. What happens between Bella and me is between us, not anyone else."
"You're wrong there, Cullen. She's a friend and a part of Nessie's family. And most of the choices you make affect everyone around you. I thought you learned your lesson on this matter."
I clenched my teeth and my jaw snapped closed. Before I could respond, but said something else.
"Jake, that's enough. We all know the blame is all on me. I should've told him."
"Alice said he was being stubborn."
"Yes, but I could've easily tied him to the bed to make him listen."
Jacob huffed. "Kinky, Bella, you never tied me up." I growled and slammed my fist on the button effectively turning it off.
Bella cocked an eyebrow. "He's just trying to get a rise out of you."
"I know but why does he enjoy it so much. It never affected me this much."
"Could it have something to do with me?" she said, toeing the ground, suddenly shy.
"Of course, only you can get me to act like a cave man," I grumbled. The phone rang again. Bella looked at the caller id and cringed, because it was Jacob again, but she allowed it to ring.
After the beep, his voice filled the tension in the room. "Look, I'm sorry, Cullen. You know that we'd always be like this, even when were friends. Remember we showed each other up just to push the other harder. You know, to bring out the best in each other. I admit I did this for my own selfish reasons. But think that you and Bella weren't reason enough.
"We grew apart way before I left your company. You know that. You kept pushing me to go clubbing or to fuck around. I couldn't do that to Bella and I resented you for it. I missed my buddy that would kick back at my place and help tinker with my car. The one friend I had that never criticized the fact that I came from the other side of the tracks. As for Bella, I was tired of seeing her live a half life. She poured everything into helping others, but not herself. I thought you two were perfect for each other. I still do."
The call ended. I tried processed everything he had said and I sighed. It wasn't helping me stick to the fact that I loathed him. I wanted to hate him, but I couldn't.
"So where were we before we were interrupted?" she asked.
"You were pacing," I reminded her. Then she said that she wasn't sure what she wanted yet. And I understood her, because she was as confused and hurt as I was. I nodded, taking her hand. "You're still wearing the ring." When I she hadn't pulled way, I brushed my thumb over the warm metal on her finger.
"I am," she whispered.
"Are you going to keep wearing it?"
Her shoulders rose and fell, playing with the ring and touching my thumb softly. "I want to, but—" She stopped, meeting my eyes. I knew what was stopped her from wanting it.
"Bella," I said, reaching out for her again. She hadn't hesitated that time, wrapping her arms around my waist as I enveloped her small frame. "How about we try and start fresh. I'd like to take you to dinner tomorrow night."
"Like a first date?" Bella said, laughing softly. "I'd like that. Though, our first date was a little weird."
"Yes, considering our first date consisted of Chinese take-out on your living room floor."
"Our second date was better," she reminded me.
"Yes, dinner with my entire family, while I got you off under the table. That was fun."
She slapped my chest. "Ass."
"Love," I whispered, trying it out again.
"Dick."
"Sweetheart."
"Ass."
"You called me that already," I teased.
"Yes, but I love your ass." When I snickered in response, her arms tightened around me. Fuck, it felt good, too. "Edward."
"Hmm."
"I don't hate you."
"I know. You're a horrible liar." She laughed. "Bella?" When she hummed, I pressed my lips to her forehead. "I could never hate you," I said sincerely.
"Edward?"
"Yes," I said to change it up a bit. I felt her smile against my chest and when I kissed the top of her head, she sighed.
"Please stay."