Chapter 40: Uncertain
A/N: Thank you everyone for your honest reviews. I'm sorry if I have thus far disappointed any of you in my story. I'll try to improve and stick more to the character's personalities as well as hopefully be fair to both characters. Believe me when I say one thing though; Seblaine is end game. I have a couple chapters already written that I'm reviewing before I make the final draft and post them. I hope this chapter serves to hopefully ease some of your concerns; it's ironic that I had this chapter already written for the last few days and many of the reviews for my last two chapter are discussed in this new chapter. I think the reason lately I've been working on Sebastian's story and point of view is because he is less understood than Blaine. Everyone loves Blaine, but I feel that in order to really love a character you need to understand them. Sebastian is back and forth because that's all he's known his entire life. But things will change. I swear it.
Just don't give up on me yet. Have faith that everything will turn out okay, I won't let you down.
Last weekend was weird; my parents and Cooper seemed to be overly preoccupied with Sebastian. It felt as if I was the one who didn't fit in this picture. I wasn't jealous, I really wasn't, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right. I was missing something. I wasn't able to see Sebastian all week because he's been busy with whatever it is he's doing. Obviously, I don't know, because lately everyone knows him better than I do.
That led me to take matters into my own hands. Since Sebastian was hiding something, I took matters into my own hands.
I was sitting in the Lima Bean thinking about what groceries I needed to by for the dinner I was making Sebastian tonight, when in came the one and only Hunter Clarington.
"Still sore about losing?" I said when he walked over to me.
"Dream on Anderson." He said rolling his eyes.
"How's Dalton?" I said taking a sip from my coffee.
"It's alright. Warblers are rehearsing every day and classes are whatever. The only problem I have is my roommate."
"Sebastian?" I asked raising an eyebrow. "Why?"
"What're you talking about? Sebastian hasn't been my roommate for a while now." He said giving me a confused look.
"What do you mean? He doesn't live with you? Who does he live with now?" This was all news to me. Since when were Hunter and Sebastian not roommates?
"He lives at home as far as I know." I could feel my face turn into one of confusion. Sebastian wouldn't live at home. He barely even liked spending weekends there out of fear of running into his dad. "What is it?"
"It's nothing." I said standing up. "I'll talk to you later."
"Blaine!" He said running after me. "Where are you going?"
"To visit him at his house."
"Can I come with?" He asked handing me the coffee I left on the table. "I'm his friend too, you know?" He said laughing.
"Y-yeah, sure." We drove to his house but it seemed empty. I knocked on the door twice before anyone came to open it.
"Mr. Anderson?" Maria opened the door and seemed surprised to see me.
"Hey Maria, is Sebastian here?"
"Mr. Smythe hasn't lived here for some time now, Mr. Anderson."
"What do you mean he hasn't lived here? Where else would he be living?" Hunter asked.
"I'm not sure. I'm sorry, but since his father kicked him out of the house I haven't seen him." Maria looked broken up.
"Thank you Maria. It was good to see you." I waved at her before Hunter and I walked back to my car.
"Since when does Sebastian not live at home?" Hunter asked. "I had no idea, did you?"
"No." I breathed out. Sebastian didn't live at school or at home with his father, and he never even mentioned it once to me. I could feel myself getting angry, but mostly I was hurt. What worried me even more is where Sebastian was living.
Tonight it was just the two of us; my parents and Cooper and Julie were out for the entire weekend. Tonight I wouldn't take no for an answer. Tonight I wouldn't pretend that I'm okay with the way Sebastian is acting. Tonight I would make him understand exactly how I feel. Tonight I needed an explanation.
"I don't understand you." I said after ruthlessly trying to convince him moving to London was the best choice for me.
"What do you mean?" Sebastian said taking out some dishes. It honestly felt as if he was oblivious to everything I was feeling.
"I'm trying so hard to find any opportunity to be with you, and when I find one, you completely shut me down." I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing and ended up cutting my finger on a knife.
"Are you okay?" Sebastian pulled out a band-aid from the first aid kit and walked over to me to put it on but I took it from him.
"I can do it myself." I mumbled.
"B. Can we not talk about this tonight? Let's just be happy this weekend." He said setting the table for us. "I was thinking we could go to the park or something fun? Take a break from our lives. Let's go to Columbus and explore the city."
"Not until you come clean." I said putting the food on the table.
"Come clean about what?" He asked taking out drinks from the fridge.
"I'm just frustrated that for some reason, even though you say you love me, you never share anything with me anymore."
"What do you want me to do to prove to you that I'm yours?" Sebastian walked over and hugged me from behind; he nestled his head into the crook of my neck and pressed against me tightly. "I'd do anything."
"Clearly not," I said placing what I was working on down and making him let go of me. "Because according to you I'm not allowed to go to London with you, even though it's what I want to do. And I can't shake this feeling that you're hiding something…everyone is; my mom, my dad, Cooper. It's infuriating that the one person who should know everything is completely in the dark." I could hear myself getting angrier. The only time I ever acted this way was when Kurt thought it was a good idea to have Ms. Pillsbury give us couples counseling.
"B…" Sebastian said coming to sit down with me at the table. "I'm sorry I've made you feel that way. Believe me, it wasn't my intention. What can I do to make it up to you? I'm sorry that I've taken time away from your family."
"It's not that" I said sighing. I'm happy. I'm glad you're content spending time with me and my family, but…I just want to know what it is your hiding. Why is it that when we find a chance to be happy, you throw it away?" I wasn't even sure what it was that I was trying to say at this point. It just felt like everything was trying to make it's way out. Everything that I usually keep to myself in order to not start an argument was all coming out. "I don't even know what I'm trying to say but…" I really didn't know.
"But what?" Sebastian said looking at me. "You can tell me."
"I'm just tired." I said playing with my food. Suddenly, I wasn't very hungry.
"Of me?" Sebastian asked turning his gaze to the plate.
"Yes and no." I was being brutally honest, but it was time I stopped playing these games. "No, I'm not tired of spending time with you, of course not. But I am tired of running in circles with you and playing these games. It isn't all your fault, a lot of the blame is on me…I just wish that you could be honest with me and put everything to be out in the open."
Sebastian didn't look up at me; he spent his time playing with his food and taking the occasional bite. I knew I was being a diva, but I didn't care.
"Since when do you not live at Dalton?" I said after neither of us spoke.
Sebastian looked up at me and he looked irritated and surprised. "Who told you that?"
"Answer the question Sebastian." I said staring directly at him. I wanted answers, and until he answered me he wouldn't be getting anything from me.
"My…my uh father wanted me to move back home, so I did."
"Really? Then why did Maria tell me that you don't live there anymore?" I knew he would be upset that I did snooping behind his back, but if he didn't want to give me a straight answer, what was I supposed to do but find out for myself?
"Why are you meddling in things that don't concern you Blaine?" And this is the part where his defenses go up.
"You don't concern me?" I asked, as if he really knew I didn't care for him enough to try to figure what was wrong so I could help.
"Not what I meant. Where I live and what I do really shouldn't matter to you. When I'm with you, I'm with you and that's all you should care about."
"You expect me not to care what happens to you when you're not with me? You expect me not to worry about what you do or if you're okay? That's not me Sebastian; I care for you too much to not be aware of all these red flags you've been hiding from me. Just tell me…what happened?"
"It's nothing. I'm fine how things are right now."
"That's the thing Sebastian, I don't know how things are right now. My parents won't even tell me. I know they know." I stood up from my seat and started cleaning my setting. "Why don't I?"
"There are things about me that you don't have to know." Sebastian said behind me as I was throwing things away.
"Funny." I said fake laughing. "I thought I knew you. I thought I knew all there was to you, but guess I was wrong. Looks like I'm just another one of your toys." Sebastian stayed where he was, not even following me when I walked out of the kitchen and to my bedroom. I knew what I said hurt him, and I felt bad about it, but why wouldn't he just be honest with me.
I walked into the bathroom and started the shower; maybe steaming hot water was what I needed. I locked the door, not necessarily because I didn't want Sebastian to come in, but more because I wanted to be alone and uninterrupted. I took longer than necessary in the shower, letting my mind wander and think about everything. What was I supposed to do with Sebastian? I loved him. More than he could ever imagine, but we weren't on the same page anymore.
I turned on my music hoping that through it I could find what I was looking. It never let me down and always expressed what my words couldn't; today was no different.
(Blaine)
Head under water
And they tell me to breathe easy for a while
The breathing gets harder, even I know that
Made room for me but it's too soon to see
If I'm happy in your hands
I'm unusually hard to hold on to
Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well, but you make this hard on me
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's
Make or break in this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today
I learned the hard way
That they all say things you want to hear
And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and
Your twisted words,
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry
Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's
Make or break in this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today
Promise me that you'll leave the light on
To help me see with daylight, my guide, gone
'cause I believe there's a way you can love me
Because I say
I won't write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's make or break in this
Is that why you wanted a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's make or break in this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don't want it for a minute
Babe, I'll walk the seven seas when I believe that
There's a reason to
Write you a love song today
I walked out of the bathroom in a towel to find that Sebastian wasn't there. He probably left, just like he always does when something comes up that he doesn't want to face. In case he did stay, I sang loud enough that he would have had to hear me. I had just got into bed when my phone lit up.
"Hello?"
"Blaine?" Kurt? That was weird that he was calling me; he was always so busy with school.
"Hey Kurt! What's up?"
"Nothing. Am I interrupting something?"
"No, just hanging around. Is everything okay?" I could hear his voice trembling from the other side of the line. "Kurt, what's wrong? What is it?"
"I need you." He whispered.
"What do you mean? Are you in Lima?"
"Can you please come to New York? Just for the weekend. Spend the weekend here."
"Kurt, I can't just up and leave for the weekend. I-"
"Please." Something about the way Kurt was speaking made me feel as if he wasn't doing this as another attempt to get me back; he legitimately seemed sincere. If I could leave and come back before my parents got back Sunday night, maybe I could get away with it.
"I'll leave right now."
"Thank you." Kurt whispered. I said goodbye and just like that I was packing my bags to stay with him this weekend.
I walked down the stairs and was surprised to still find Sebastian there. He was sitting on the couch, his eyes distant. He looked up at me when he heard me coming down the stairs.
"I thought you'd be gone by now." I said leaving my bag near the door.
"I can leave if you want." He said getting up.
"I have to leave. You can stay here this weekend if you'd like."
"Where are you going?" He said furrowing his eyebrows and staring at my bag.
"New York." I said simply.
"New York? For what?" He said walking over to me.
"Kurt called me. He needs me right now, I'm not sure why, but he doesn't seem okay."
"You can't just leave just because he…" Sebastian trailed off at the end. "Do you need a ride?"
"No, I can drive." I said getting my keys.
"No." He said taking my keys. "I'll take you." Sebastian picked up my bag and opened the door.
"Sebastian, you don't have to do this."
"I want to." He said walking outside towards the car.
The entire ride to the airport was spent in silence. Neither of us wanted to say anything, or maybe we just couldn't find the right words to say.
Sebastian had a half smile on his face. "It feels like I'm losing you again to Kurt." He said letting out a small laugh.
"You're not losing me Sebastian. I'm just going because Kurt needs me." I said looking at him. I didn't want to leave on bad terms. "If he didn't sincerely need me, I wouldn't be going." When we arrived at the airport, I looked over at him to see eyes full of hurt…eyes that tore me apart. "I'll see you Sunday." I said opening the door.
"Blaine…" He said opening the window after I got out of the car. I turned around but Sebastian hesitated. "Just uh, have fun. Bring me back a souvenir." I put on a smile and nodded before walking away from him.
The flight was long and I got stuck in the middle seat, but the drive to his apartment was exciting; the life of the city always put me in a good mood. I knocked on his door and smiled when I saw Kurt's face light up to see me, even if it was really late.
"Blaine!" He said pulling me into a hug.
"Hey Kurt!" I said hugging him back. I looked past him to see Rachel running towards me. "Rachel! It's been so long." I said squeezing her tightly.
"Blaine! It's so good to see you." She said letting me go. "How was the flight?"
"It wasn't horrible." I lied. "How is everything?" Rachel looked over at Kurt before giving me a nervous smile. "Busy with the city life but it's awesome here. I can't wait for you to move out here, I know you're going to love it." Rachel grabbed my arm and pulled me over to the couch.
"How do you guys sleep with all the city noise?" I asked taking a sip from the tea Kurt made me.
"You get used to it." Rachel said laughing. "I should get going though." She said standing up and putting on a coat.
"Where are you going so late at night?" I asked raising an eyebrow.
"I'm staying the night with Brody." She said putting on a bright smile. "I'll be back tomorrow though! Get ready because we have a full day planned out."
"I can't wait." I said hugging her goodbye.
"Text me when you get there." Kurt said closing the door behind her. Kurt made his way to his room. I walked into his bedroom to find him lying on the bed.
"What's wrong?" I said lying down next to him and looking him in the eyes.
"It's going to sound stupid…" he said turning slightly red.
"What is it?" I said holding his hand. "You're still my best friend Kurt, I'm here for you."
"I just needed someone here with me from back home." He said looking at me. "Life in New York isn't as awesome as people make it out to be. I love it here, but I feel so alone. I needed the one good thing I've ever had in my life…you."
"You called at the right time then." I said smiling. "I needed to leave Lima for a while and you needed Lime to come here. I'm happy you called." I said. Kurt and I weren't going to get back together, but we were at a good place when he left. We decided we would remain close friends and that's all I asked for. "Is NYADA not everything you wished for?"
"It is. I love it there. But it's high school all over again. I assumed Rachel and I would be inseparable, but she's always busy with Brody and I'm always here by myself. I can't even tell you how happy I am that you're here with me."
We spent a lot of the time talking about what was new in our lives and how school was going for Kurt. He even seemed okay with me talking about Sebastian, which took me by surprise.
"So you like the guy from Adam's Apples?" I asked. "Catchy name."
"Yeah, well I mean, we haven't really gone on an official date or anything but I really like him."
"I'm really happy for you Kurt." I really was; we were in a good place right now. We were close enough to talk about our new love interests and I loved that.
Kurt moved in closer to me before he spoke again. "I can't say that I'm over you though."
"Kurt…" Before I could finish my sentence, his lips were pressing gently against mine. The kiss started slow but quickly heated up to the point where I was on top of him, caressing ever part of his body. I knew I would regret it in the morning, but right now we both needed the same thing. We needed our anchors back. We needed something familiar. I had a feeling when he called me he would want this, and something in me told me that I wanted it too.
I groaned when I heard the phone ringing and waking me up. I ended the call before I looked over to see if Kurt was asleep and was glad to find that he was. I felt slightly embarrassed at the fact that we were both naked and didn't clean up after what we did the night before. I thought I would wake up and immediately feel remorse for sleeping with Kurt simply because we both needed release, but I actually enjoyed it. I didn't regret it.
The phone started ringing again; I wouldn't have answered the call, but it was from Sebastian. I put on some shorts before walking into the living room.
"Hello?"
"I was thinking about it…If you want to study in London I would be more than happy for you to be there with me."
"Sebastian, what're you saying?" I was still groggy from just waking up and wasn't sure if I heard right. Sebastian sounded as if he was rushing or anxious to get what he wanted to say out.
"Move to London with me." The question took me by surprise, and I instantly felt guilty for having sex with Kurt. "Please." Sebastian said after a while of not finding the right words to say.
"Why the sudden change of heart?"
"I'm was being stupid. I'm selfish for not telling you what's been going on. I should have known keeping you in the dark would only hurt you. I'm so sorry Blaine."
"Why are you saying this now? I mean, yes, I still want to move with you but why are you calling me at 6 in the morning to tell me this?"
"I couldn't wait." He said laughing nervously. "I miss you so much. I can't wait for you to come back."
"I miss you too. We've gone longer without seeing each other though Seb, is everything okay?"
"When you're here I at least know I can take a quick drive to your place if my constant craving for you over powers me, but knowing you're in New York without me…it just makes me insane. I didn't sleep all night thinking about you." I could feel my stomach churn. Now I regret what I did last night.
"Sebastian...I-I need to confess something." I paused before telling him what had happened. "I slept with Kurt last night. That's not what I came here for, but I was just so frustrated with everything and he was here for me...I'm sorry."
Sebastian didn't speak for a while, but the light breathing told me he was still there. "It's okay B. You have no reason to apologize."
"Ye-"
"Do you want me to pick you up from the airport?" Sebastian said interrupting me.
"I wouldn't have it any other way." I said hoping that the smile on my face was evident in how I spoke. "Sebastian…"
"Yeah killer?"
"I love you, okay?"
"I love you too."
It was ironic really; I came to New York to escape my problems and all my questions only to findd the answers I couldn't find back home. I would move to London with Sebastian, come hell or high water.