Subject: Edward Cullen, aka The Womanizer

by ericastwilight

Edward's family hire Bella Swan to break the heartbreaker's heart in hopes to have him see the error of his womanizing ways. But she falls hard, too, at the risk of breaking her own heart when the truth is revealed. EXB-AH-OOC

39. In My Dream

Subject: Edward Cullen aka The Womanizer

Chapter Thirty-Seven – In My Dream

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Betaed by bookishqua/booksgalore

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Bella

Blood coated every surface around me. Beneath all the crimson, the room was unrecognizable. Where was I? An office perhaps? My hand shook as I brought it to my lips, a futile attempt to keep from screaming. When the coppery taste of blood hit my senses, my stomach roiled.

I stared at my hands horrified to see flecks of blood on them. A part of me wanted to scream, but the more dominant part kept me from doing so. That if I had I'd awaken Edward, and that my pain would be his, too. I couldn't do that to him.

No more pain, I chanted silently.

I fought to keep the sting of tears at bay.Damn it, no!There was no falling apart for me, not now, not then. The touch of her hand came to rest on my shoulder, and even though the room was dimly lit, I could see her profile.

"Brianna," I whispered. An old ache bloomed in my chest as my dead best friend's name resonated throughout the gory room.

"There was nothing you could have done, love," she said. Her touch was so cold, and nothing like the warmth her friendship had given me when she was alive.

"I was too busy after that night I caught you with Jordan," I said, looking at the destruction of the room that morphed to my old living room. "Maybe if I'd taken the time to find you, you wouldn't have-"

Brianna's bright curls moved as she shook her head at me and cupped my cheek. "I didn't return your calls and I didn't want to talk to anyone after what happened with Jordan."

I couldn't continue watching her pale green eyes without breaking down and sobbing, so I dropped my chin to my chest. "I didn't try hard enough."

"You did," she whispered. It was so soft, but echoed throughout the room. "It was my choice, not yours, never yours."

"I should've been able to talk you out of it," I reasoned, looking up to see her softly smile.

"Maybe," she whispered. "But I never gave you the chance because I did not want to. You can't live always thinking what if. It won't change anything."

"It's all I have," I said softly. "Something to cling to, so that I could continue to do what I do."

She tugged on my chin and her eyes told me to reexamine what I've said.

"An excuse?" I asked myself.

"One of many," she replied as her hand gestured toward a group of unseen faces.

Quietly, I walked over to see Julian, Jacob and the rest of my former subjects. They were talking as if they've known each other for years, and laughing and smiling about something Jacob was saying.

"I told her what she wanted to fucking hear," Jacob continued as he shook his head. "If I hadn't she'd been on my ass trying to," he used his fingers to gesture quotes, "fix me forever."

I was numb from his words, he never said anything to me. Why would he say those things? Was this how he really feels? Looking at the other men from my past, I could see them all nodding, agreeing with him.

"Yeah, man," one of them said.

"Preaching to the fucking choir, bro," another said.

What the hell does this mean?

"Let go, Bella," Brianna said softly as she stood behind me.

"Let go of what?" I asked as Brianna tried to lead me away. I shook my head, taking another step toward the men. I wanted to hear more.

"How the fuck was I supposed to tell her that what she did was fucked up?" Mike said to the other guys. "That's one thing about her, she's so freaking weak and she doesn't even know it. You take one look in those baby browns and you can't tell her shit because she never reallylistens."

Reese ran his hand through his dark black hair, his smile as vibrant as I'd ever seen him. "I was only in it because she had all that innocence, that vulnerability that made her irresistible. I broke her in."

"Ah," Mike said and laughed. "We're the ones that made her the sex expert her books claim her to be." The guys all chortled as he pulled out a leather strap from his back pocket and slapped it against his thigh. The laughter continued, but their words were lost as the lights dimmed around them.

Brianna took hold of my hand, pulling me away from the voices of my past. I sobbed and shook my head. "I don't understand."

"Bella, you need to let go," Brianna repeated, softly stroking my hair.

"I don't think I can." A choked sob escaped me. Her hand slipped from mine, and I desperately tried to take it back. "Please don't leave me."

"You don't need me anymore," she whispered as she took a step back. "You never really did." Without thought I tried to close the distance between us, she shook her head. "You have all you need. Let go, Bella."

Brianna, her seraphic face, red hair and smile faded in the shadows of the room. All around me I heard the murmurs of those that I tried to save after I had failed Brianna. All of my subjects, patients, even the families of my former subjects all had one thing to say.

"Let go."

I gasped as they continued, the voices swirled and ended with a series of ever changing faces. Faces of those that I helped and hurt, Daniel, Brianna, Edward, and my brother amongst them.

I screamed as blood started to drip from Jordan's abdomen.

"You saved me," he said. "Now save yourself."

"Let go, love," Edward whispered, wrapping his arms around my waist from behind. I sighed and melted against the hard plane of his chest. "For yourself, let go. I'm here with you, always."

I gasped as I jerked awake to find myself sitting on my bed. Sweat beaded most of my body. The coppery scent of blood no longer invaded my senses. My hands, felt soft and dry as I looked to see that they were no longer covered in the blood of my past.

It was all a dream. A few dim fingers of light from the bathroom fell over the bed, illuminating Edward's naked back. Relieved, I breathed deeply for the first time since the dream turned into a nightmare.

Pushing a few strands of hair from my face, I turned to see that it was only six in the morning. Edward had mentioned something to my barely conscious form the previous night that he wasn't going into work. Allowing my head to fall back against the pillow, I stared at the ceiling above me. The nightmare, no dream, replayed in crystal clarity in my mind.

Since I'd been nineteen years old, I had allowed past events to lead to the life I lived. Excuse after excuse had led me through the choices that I had made. However, those choices had led me to Edward.

Was that just another excuse? No, I know in my heart that somehow we would've ended up together.

As I turned to face Edward, his arm reached for me. Once his hand found my thigh he pulled until I was pressed against him. His hand automatically smoothed over my hip and stomach, sighing. This continued for a few moments until his breathing returned to normal.

Even in his sleep, he soothed me. I brushed the hair from his forehead and watched his brow furrow for a moment.

"Bella," he murmured. His head sought out the crook of my neck, nuzzling me there. "My Bella."

"Yours," I whispered softly. He wanted me even in his slumber. There was another decision that I regretted. The choice not to call him the day before when I had been in the ER.

Thoughts swirled in my head, making it hard to stay in bed any longer. I had more choices to make, and I hoped I'd made the right ones. Later, when we were both awake, we had others to make together.

With a soft press of my lips over his, I left to have a moment to myself. Damn, bladder control was non-fucking existent at six months with twins. After getting cleaned up, I checked on Edward once more before making my way to our office. I looked among my music cd's and pulled out the nine that I needed. With a through check through Edward's things I found his file that had led to his discovery of the truth.

After closing the office door, I pulled out our shredder from under the desk and turned it on. Taking Jacob's disc out from its case, I gave it one final look before slipping it inside the machine. The quiet hum it produced was hardly louder than a blow dryer, as I continued to the next file disc. Once I was done I dropped the cases into the trashcan. Step one was complete. What the hell do I do now?

I wandered into the living room, noticing that I'd barely killed a half an hour in the office. There on the coffee table was the file that Angela had asked for. Angela.

How could I not have seen that she'd fixated on me? Then again, hadn't I ignored the same tells in Daniel?

I'd been so caught up in all the drama of my life that I hadn't given a second thought to Angela since the party. Sure, she had called, had emailed and had requested to have lunch with me. Nevertheless, I had completely failed to see her as a threat, much less someone who was in need of serious therapy. I had known for quite some time that she used to cut herself in college. Ben and I had gotten her the help she needed when we had noticed fresh wounds at a party.

It was another thing that told me that the choice not to take further patients was a good one. Now, the question was what was I supposed to do about myself? Edward and I were already seeing a therapist together and we had discussed about me going to one by myself.

Was I ready to purge the truth to a complete fucking stranger? Damn, I'm a foul-mouthed bitch when I was sleep deprived. Not only had I a need to tell someone outside of the family, outside of the circle of people that knew the truth, but also I needed to let go.

I'd been so independent for so long that I had messed up the previous day. I only hoped that Edward would forgive me for my error. Fuck that, forgive me for being a stubborn ass.

Edward

The warmth I had once again grown accustomed to the previous night, was gone when I woke up. After putting Bella in bed, I had called my family and let everyone know that I'd be out of the office for the rest of the week. They had known that I would take some time off once Bella returned.

I hadn't told them about Angela; it wasn't something that I wanted to share with anyone. Groaning, I ran my hands over my face. Fucking hell. Had all that shit really happened?

Where the hell was Bella? The shower wasn't running, but I was able to make out the slow beat of a Maroon 5 song coming from outside of our bedroom. She was already up and making breakfast. Damn it, why couldn't let me care for her? Did she not believe in sleeping in?Bella was in desperate need of learning how to relax.

I pulled on a pair of sleep pants. Bella hated when I wore clothes to bed, considering she hated wearing them herself. Not that I minded. It was even more of a requirement since everything made her uncomfortable in her pregnancy.

After a quick trip to the bathroom I made my way toward the kitchen. Only to find her on the phone, pacing -which was so fucking unnatural.

I'd seen her do it only once, the day she'd found out that we had visited the beach house so I could retrieve my mother's ring. Then she was nervous, no doubt because of the secret that laid between us. This was totally different.

Breakfast laid on the coffee table in front of the couch, warm and a reminder of past mornings. I should've been grateful, but I was more concerned about why she was on the phone.

"Thank you." She ended the call as she rubbed her stomach. Suddenly, her body stilled and after a moment turned to see me standing near the hallway. Her answering smile was timid and nothing liked I'd hoped. I had no fucking clue as to why. Despite this, her hand reached out for mine.

Bella gave me a half smile and wrapped her arms around my waist. "Good morning," she whispered, nuzzling my chest.

"Why are you up already?" I asked, wrapping my arms around her shoulders. Kissing the top of her head, I lingered there to take in her soft scent.

"Couldn't sleep," she murmured. She sighed and squeezed me for a second longer. "Let's have breakfast, I'm starving."

I laughed and sat down on the couch, pulling her down next to me. "Are the babies having cravings?"

A lovely blush covered her cheeks as she plucked a slice of bacon from her plate. "No, just me. I think." Taking a bite she blushed again. "I couldn't decide what to make. I was close to making every breakfast item in the apartment." Laughing, I pressed my lips against hers, unable to resist.

"It's a good thing I had groceries delivered the day before last," I said, grinning. Before me on the coffee table, was a plate full of French toast, bacon, scrambled eggs and sausage. I turned to look into the kitchen, sure enough every surface was sparkling clean. She was obviously nesting, something I had read about in our books about pregnancy. How long had she'd been up?

However, there was something missing about this breakfast. It took a moment for me to realize and once I had, I pulled Bella onto my lap. She laughed softly, pulling around so she could kiss me. "That's better," she whispered against my lips. I nodded, happy the feeling was mutual.

We ate, feeding each other. Enjoying the quiet peace that settled over us, considering what had happened the night before, it was just what we needed. With the last bite of French toast from my plate, I pressed it against Bella's soft mouth. She hummed as she took the last bite.

"I'm stuffed," she said, rubbing her tummy. "I think that should keep them quiet for a little while."

Concerned, I pressed my hands over her abdomen. "Are they not letting you sleep?"

She shrugged. "I haven't been sleeping well and that has nothing to do with my pregnancy."

"Because you were away?" I offered. She nodded and did a little half-shrug.

"That and yesterday was an eye-opening experience." She shifted off my lap and settled her back against one corner of the couch. I took her legs and brought up to lay across my lap. "Are you really okay, Edward?" she asked. "You can tell me, and if you can't, I'm sure we can get you a solo appointment with a therapist."

I shook my head, taking one of her feet in my hands. The next few moments happened so quickly that it took several more to figure out what had just happened.

Bella screamed bloody fucking murder, snatched her feet from my hands and was across the room in seconds. Food and our drinks were dripping on the coffee table, couch and even me. I could see her clutching her abdomen protectively.

Fucking hell, had I hurt her? Damn, I had no damn clue what I was doing anymore. Especially when it came to Bella's health and pregnancy. Ever since I had left her alone in the hospital, I had always thought that I'd fuck this up again. I'd make some horrible mistake and hurt her, our babies, or us.

"Bella," I said as I rose from the couch. Her whole body shook as I approached, after a few deep breaths she relaxed. "Please tell me what I did." Even I could hear the desperation in my words. I had to know.

"I'm sorry," she said, softening her features further. "You can't rub my feet or even my legs. It could trigger contractions."

"All right," I whispered, extending my hand out for hers. "That explains why you removed your feet from my hands, but not your reaction." She shook her head at my hand, and I ignored the sting from her rejection. "Tell me what's wrong."

"My brother and I were preemies." Fuck, I did not know that, this only added to my fear over the upcoming birth. Why hadn't I thought to ask about that, she is a fucking twin. She ran her hands over her face roughly, finally reaching for my hand. "I'm sorry I scared you, but I freaked out because of yesterday."

My body immediately tensed. "Is something wrong with the babies, with you?" I hadn't realized that I had pulled my hand away, only to grasp her by the shoulders.

"Edward," she whispered. "You're in that 'grr' mentality again and holding on a little too tight."

I loosened my grip. "I'm sorry." I shuddered. "It's the thought of you and our children in danger-" I shuddered again, pulling her closer, needing that distance between us eliminated.

"I need to tell you something," she mumbled. "I realized something about yesterday." Her brows furrowed and she seemed at a loss for words.

Taking her hand in my mine, I sat on the couch, pulling her down next to me. "You can tell me."

"I realized that if I hadn't walked in on the situation with Angela," she started, nervously biting her lip. I had no idea where she was going with this. "That you would've promptly kicked her ass out."

I snorted and grumbled, "Fuck, yeah."

She gave me a small smile before she continued. "And you would've told me what happened."

"Of course," I said. "I wouldn't lie to you about something like that, at all. It wouldn't be fair of me to keep that kind of information from you." She flinched and I understood the look on her face.

Guilt. Fucking guilt.

She sighed and nodded. "I know that now. And I'm really sorry, I wasn't thinking when it happened."

"When what happened, Bella?"

"I had some cramping really early yesterday morning." My hands grasped both of hers, clutching to them as she continued. Immediately, a several different scenarios went through my mind, all equally frightening at the one before it. "Nothing's wrong. I was checked out by an ER doctor and everything looks just fine."

"Why didn't you call me?" I could hear in my own voice the hurt behind my question. Not only was I hurt that she hadn't called me, but afraid.

Had I really destroyed all her trust in me when it concerns her health and our children? Suddenly the unwanted image of her devastated face when I left her months earlier haunted me. I'd left her to decide what was best for her and our babies - alone. Even after she had asked for my help, I had left.

The voicemail messages I'd received shortly afterward were also just as unforgettable.

"Edward," Jacob had said in a deep growl. Behind his voice were the sobs and someone yelling. "How fuck can you do this to her?" He had taken a deep breath, before he had continued. " Look, I know you're hurt, trust me I how it feels. When I found out the truth I wanted to wring her little neck. But damn it, Edward, this is Bella for fuck's sake and your baby!"

Another from Esme. "Edward," she had cried. "Please come back. I know you enough to know that you'd never forgive yourself for leaving. You both love one another, shouldn't that be enough reason to stay, to talk? Are you afraid?"

I had been afraid, that day. Despite the anger and hurt that I had felt that night, the night I had walked away from Bella, from our baby, fear had been one of the most prominent emotions. After I had heard those two messages they had made me solidify my decision to leave at the time.

After my parents had died, the sense of abandonment, the loss, the anger had torn me apart. I had made a choice back then, at the tender age of fourteen, to never allow myself to have a family. For I would never wish the pain I'd felt on my worst enemy, much less someone that I'd loved. On my wife, on my children. Since that day I had been diligent about birth control, not losing my virginity until eighteen, though there had been ample opportunity. And once I did start having sex, I had always used a condom. Until Bella.

In the end, a child told me to listen with my heart, and I had returned home to retrieve it. It had laid in Bella's hands since the day that she had shown that she loved me. My defection at the time, seemed to have had another effect on our relationship. She didn't trust me enough to confide in me, to instantly want me by her side should something happen to her.

Haven't I been there for her since? I reined in my anger, because Bella didn't need another thing to worry about. She should've called me, though.

"You didn't call me," I said as flatly as I could, averting my gaze from hers. The memory of Bella lunging after Angela the previous night was scary enough. Had I known that Bella had been the ER hours earlier my blood pressure would've been through the roof.

"I know." Her fingers clutched tightly around mine, like a lifeline.

"Why?" I looked at her then, and could see the apology all over her face.

"Edward, I was cramping, and I had been worried. My only thought was to get checked out. I didn't think." She scrambled through the sentence quickly, as if she couldn't find the words to tell me.

"What do you mean?"

"I just acted. By the time it occurred to me to call you, it was all over. I didn't want to scare you." Before I could say anything, I sensed there was something else she wanted to say. With a gentle squeeze of her hand, I encouraged her to continue.

She sighed and looked down at her lap. "I'd never had to answer to anyone before, which may be part of the reason why I hadn't called. I realized last night that it was so wrong of me."

I took a few deep breaths in an effort to calm myself. A part of me wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her. Tell her that she was my life, that our children were my life, and that I had every right to know. But I knew I couldn't talk to her in that manner. She was still incredibly fragile.

"I know I couldn't have been there when it was happening," I started, placing my finger under her chin. With a little push I had her eyes meet mine. "But you should've at least called me right after." I was surprised at how easy it was to hide the hurt from my voice. Yet when she looked at me, her face fell.

Her fingers tightened around my own. In an effort to show her that everything would be okay, I brought her hand to my mouth to place a kiss on them. I knew it was hard for her to admit that she was wrong.

"Edward, I just wanted to get home to you. After I got the all clear from the doctor, that's what I did."

"And they're sure everything's all right with you and the babies?"

"They concluded that it was pain from the scar tissues from my earlier surgery. They're constantly being stretched, causing the twinges."

Internally, I cringed at the thought of her on any operating table, only solidifying my fear of the upcoming birth. So much could go wrong.

"The moment you had that scare and called someone, the next call should've been me," I said. "I want to be a part of all that happens with your pregnancy. I can't do that if you're shutting me out."

"I know that, now. There was so much going on and I was relieved. I also didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd worry. After what happened yesterday, I knew you'd tell me the truth about Angela. I know now that I should've told you, too."

"Damn right," I said. "And it's not just the babies that I want to know about. If something is happening with you, health-wise or anything for that matter, I have the right to know. You are my life, as much as our children."

"I'm sorry," she whispered, climbing onto my lap. She nuzzled my neck, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. "I love you so much." I pressed my lips to her temple. Though I was still angry, I loved her just as much as the day before. That was something I knew would never change.

I looked around me and saw the scattered drinks and plates across the floor. "We need to clean up our mess," she said.

"Yes we do," I said, grabbing a fallen plate from the ground and stood up."You get a towel. I'll get this."

She took my hand. "We'll do it together." She smiled and pressed her lips against my cheek.

After cleaning up, we sat together for a while, the clock in the living room striking nine in the morning. "Since I'm not going to work today, what do you want to do?"

"We have a busy day today," she said. "I made an appointment with a therapist. We have an ob appointment a few hours later." She rubbed at her shoulders, rolling her neck several times.

"Let me," I whispered. "I may not be able to rub your feet but at the very least I can rub your back and shoulders." She nodded, settling between my thighs and against my chest.

"Detective Gomez will be here later today to take your statement," I said, concerned that all this was too much for her. "I can call him to postpone until tonight," I murmured, rubbing where her neck met her shoulder. I was happy to provide some comfort. Her health and her needs came first, especially now. It was my turn to take care of her. Stubborn or not, she was going to let me.

"About Angela," I whispered, wishing I didn't have to disrupt the quiet peace that we had established again. "You didn't think that I'd cheat on you?"

She shook her head. "You thought that I would?" she asked.

"With my past, it wouldn't be hard to jump to that conclusion. I never gave you a reason to believe otherwise."

"You gave me a reason, you love me.I trust you."

I let her words settle, it was the last piece that had been missing in our relationship. Our trust had still been on a proverbial cliff after I had learned the truth. After I had left her when she needed me most.

Until she said it, I had no idea how much I needed to know that she trusted me. I felt lighter, even more so when I looked to see that in her eyes, to see that she loved me truly. There were still things to work through, and I'm sure new things would come up often, but we'd handle them together.

"How do you know her?"

"We attended a few classes in LA, but I lost touch with her. Then Reese brought me to one of their parties. That's actually where I met Mike. We did a scene there and Angela was the other submissive."

"She had mentioned a scene," I said. Damn it, I was curious. I didn't want to hear about a scene with another man, but I was curious about what sparked Angela's obvious obsession with Bella.

Bella hesitated, turning her head to look at me. "When you asked if I had been with a woman, I lied."

I nodded. I had a feeling that this was coming. "Your hands were tied because of the NDA." I grinned at my own pun, causing her to slap my arm. It was an attempt to lighten the tension that had arisen. "I don't fault you for that. You couldn't say anything. I take it that it wasn't your call."

"No, it wasn't. I had agreed to be a submissive for one scene. Reese had taken advantage of it. In the end it was the catalyst to end our relationship."

"He hadn't asked your opinion on the matter," I concluded.

"In a way, yes. That, and I didn't like the loss of control."

I snorted. "No shit." We both knew that she hated to relinquish control in just about every situation. It was good to know that she seemed to be coming around. Enough to allow me to take care of her.

"I made an appointment for my own session. Today, in fact." There was an edge to her voice as she continued. "I'm going to tell her about what I had done, with my subjects, I mean."

"You could lose your license to practice," I whispered. "And your credibility as an expert in sex."

She nodded, her head falling forward, looking down at her lap. "I never claimed I was an expert in my books or even in my interviews. My readers were the ones that gave me the title of doctor. You've read my books, they're stories more than they are instruction manuals. As for my license, I don't think I can practice anymore. At least not right now, I won't be able to anyway. My subjects were never paying clients, so I don't think I have to worry about that."

"Why?"

"I had always known, since the very beginning that what I was doing was wrong. It was the reason I was so cautious about my subjects. I always tried to justify it, with how if I hadn't helped they'd be worse off or someone would do something drastic. Like Brianna had. There was always a part of me that knew, though."

"And now it can't be as easily dismissed?"

She shook her head and sobbed. "No."

Carefully, shifting her around so that she'd lay comfortably, I crawled over her. I pulled her back to my chest. I murmured to her, "I love you so much. I hate to see you like this." However, it might have been the thing she needed most. It wasn't right what she'd done, so I refused to tell her it was okay.

Luck was on her side, lucky that they'd all came away from what she'd done to become better people. However, there was so much risk that it could've turned ugly. Angela and Daniel are, were perfect examples how bad things could've gotten with her former subjects.

Her tears were accompanied by little sobs, hiccups and tightened fingers around my own. Slowly, I pushed up to my feet to take her in my arms. Her arms wrapped around me, and for the second time in less than twelve hours, she cried against my skin.

With slow measured steps I walked toward our bedroom to lay her on our bed, her body immediately turning away from me.

"Shh," I said, pressing my lips to temple. "I'm going to draw you a bath." She hadn't acknowledged me in any way.

As fast as I could, I filled our bathtub. Taking the time to set a warm towel beside the tub, I felt her before I saw her. It surprised me that she pulled herself out of her state without me, but it also gave me some peace of mind. Her episodes were few and far in between. Nightmares had been the only obstacle, or so I thought. Now we had guilt and doubt to work through.

I turned to see her leaning against the doorjamb, looking somewhat amused as I poured a cap full of something fizzy into the bath water. "What are you doing?" she asked, her eyes bright from her tears.

"Taking care of you," I replied. Extending my hand, she took it without hesitation. The question in her eyes remained, surprised by my actions. "Why are you so surprised about me drawing you a bath?"

"Not surprised," she answered softly. "It's just no one's ever done this for me before."

"I'm glad I'm the first," I said and gave her smug smile. "And the last."

The corners of her mouth lifted. "And the last," she repeated. Slowly, she allowed me to pull off all her robe and shirt she wore. Touches and brushes of lips were chaste and comforting.

I held her hand as she climbed into the tub, watching as her face softened in pleasure. She moaned as she settled inside and blushed when she realized what she'd done. Picking up a small cup, I poured it over her hair.

"It's been a while since I've washed your hair," I said, pouring some shampoo into my hand. "But I think I remember what to do."

She laughed softly, closing her eyes as I started to rub my fingers over her scalp. "That's surprising since most of the times you had, you were preoccupied with other parts of me."

I groaned, "Tease." I shook the lustful memories from my mind, avoiding looking at the rest of her. "Until we get approval from the doctor, we're keeping things strictly PG."

She pouted as I continued to wash her hair, rinsing it. "No leg hitching allowed?" she asked, closing her eyes as the water ran over her face a little. Internally, I groaned again.Did she have any idea how hard it was not to touch her?

"No leg hitching," I said. "We'll ask if we can at the doctor appointment."

She smiled and nodded. "You know there's a chance we'll get to see them again. Do you want to know what we're having?"

"In a way I do." I grabbed a washcloth and started to lather it with soap. "I'd like to know what to do with the nursery at the house."

"Yeah," she said thoughtfully. "I'd like to pencil in a mural on the west wall."

"That's exactly what I was thinking about, too."

"But I can't paint it until after they're born," she said, grimacing. "The smell makes me nauseous."

"Yeah, I figured it probably isn't a good idea. We can always have the babies in bassinets in our room until their room is ready."

"We can, but it shouldn't take too long if you help me."

I handed her the washcloth, clearing my throat. "I think for both our sakes, you should wash yourself." She laughed and took the cloth from my hand, flicking some suds at me. I cleared my throat again and tried hard not to watch her glide the washcloth over her. Fuck, I am a man, but this is torture.

"You're willing to let me help you paint," I said, a bit surprised. "You're not one of those sensitive-type artists that freak out if someone touches your things."

"Hell yes, I am," she started, leaning forward to likely wash her legs and feet. "But I'd like for you to help me create something for our babies."

"I'm terrible at painting," I grumbled. Yet, I was blown away that she wanted this, and by how much I wanted it, too. "But I'm willing to learn."

"Do you think we can go this week?" she asked, tossing the little washcloth toward the hamper. "To the house, I mean."

"Sure thing," I said. "I figured out how long we'll be there, at the temporary house. With the time constraints and the fact that I want Emmett's crew working on it, I figure at least two years, maybe three."

She cringed. "That's a long time, by then we'll be attached to the house."

"I know," I said, pulling the tub stopper. "But you have to admit the house I planned is awesome."

"Yes, it is. When you sent me the blueprints I was awed. You have some amazing ideas." I smiled, happy to have her compliment me on an important project such as our dream house. "I also like the idea of something being ours, only ours."

"It will be," I said as I rose to my feet. "Our house on our property with our family living inside. But no matter where we live, my home is with you and where ever you are."

Her bottom lip trembled as I helped her to her feet. I kissed her nose and took her face in my hands.

"Shh," I murmured. "Don't cry, love." As I kissed the tears before they could stroke down her cheeks, and I wrapped a towel around her.

"Damn hormones. Sorry, I'm a fucking mess," she whispered. "This past month has been a little stressful and now you're being so sweet." I took her hand in mine, helping her from the tub. Slowly I rubbed the towel to dry her. "No one has ever done this for me. I never let them."

"Well I'm glad I can be the first," I said. "And again, the last one to. Let me go get you something to change into. I forgot."

"Sure you did," she teased. I smirked because she was right, it was just an excuse to see her naked. When I returned with a pair of boxers and one of my shirts, I found her standing in front of the full-length mirror.

"I can't see my toes," she said, looking at me through the mirror. She looked down and wiggled her toes. "I bet my manicure is chipped."

"You're toes are as cute as ever," I teased and offered her the clothes I'd gotten. "I can paint them for you if you'd like, a little practice for later. Besides, since I can't suck on them like I'd love to, I might as well paint them."

She moaned softly, whining, "Who's the tease now?"

I cocked my head to the side, noticing the enticing flush from the bath, her pregnancy and yes, arousal. "You're the world's champ, baby." She blushed even further and mumbled something under her breath that sounded like "must need his glasses."

"I heard that," I said, brushing my hand down her arms. "I can see perfectly fine. You're beautiful, even if you can't see your toes."

"Thank you," she whispered. "Help me?" Handing me the shirt with a little fancy flourish she lifted her arms and her eyebrows at the same time. From the corner of my eye I could see her smug little smile when she noticed my eyes looking straight at her breasts.

I sighed and grumbled, "If I must, though clothes should be illegal for the next week while we're home."

It was a nice little detour and fresh reminder that we could still be who we are, despite all the crap we'd been through. The rest of the morning passed in much the same way, teasing, chaste kisses and just us relaxing.

However, an hour before Bella's appointment with her new therapist, Bella was again nervous. On the drive there, I could feel the tension that rolled off her in waves. I placed my hand on hers, waiting for her to look at me. There were tears there, in her eyes, but there was also a fierce determination. "You're doing the right thing, love."

She nodded. "I know, but I'm seeing my past ten years of my life from another perspective and it's really fucking with my mind."

"Well you've never been this close with a former subject," I said softly as I pulled my hand from hers. "The emotions involved with my case were very different. And you know exactly what the truth did to me."

"Which leads me to question everything before you," she said as I pulled into the parking lot. We sat there for a few minutes. I had no idea what to say about the doubts she was having, but I had some inclination what those doubts would do to someone like her. The more I thought about it, the more relieved I was that she had decided to seek therapy. I couldn't help her with this, talk her way through this because of my involvement with her.

I took her hand again, while we both looked at the office in front of us. It was plain and nondescript in its simplicity. Where I saw this place as a step toward Bella's recovery and ours, Bella had to have seen as something menacing. There was a part of me that wanted to protect her from this place, of where her mind would have to go once she'd enter.

However, she needed this to really move on.

With a deep sigh and a tight squeeze of her fingers Bella looked at me."I'm ready," she said firmly. I shook my head, because fuck, I wasn't. I took a few deep breaths, Bella's fingers curling tighter around mine. "I'll be okay, Edward."

"We should've gone to the ob first," I said, wondering if it was too late to postpone the session. "I can't bear if something happens to you and the babies."

"If it gets to be too much, I will stop."

"It's not enough."

"You can't go in there with me," she whispered.

"I know."

"But you can sit right outside that door," she said. "I'd like that very much, to know that you're close and will be there the moment I step back out."

"All right," I whispered. With one glance toward the office, I nodded. I looked over to see her face filled with tension. I was only making it worse. "I'd like that, to be close just in case."

She gave me a smile. "Let's go." I hopped out of the car, making my way to her side and helping her out. Leading her with my hand at the small of her back, we walked inside the tiny office.

There were only two chairs and a love seat, along with some potted trees in the simple room. Behind a glass half wall was a little old lady, with large glasses typing away on a keyboard. She smiled as we entered.

Hand-in-hand we walked over. After a minute, Bella was handed a clipboard to gather some information. I watched as Bella filled all the blank areas with her neat cursive writing. "You were born in Arizona. How the heck had that happened?"

"My mom and dad were traveling to see family in Texas when oops, Jordan decided he wanted out."

"Should we be worried?"

"We'll talk to the doctor," she said. "No need to worry yourself."

"It's hard not to. This pregnancy started with complications."

Bella nodded. "Yes, but you can't constantly think the worst. Or at least that's what I'm trying to do."

"Sorry."

"Don't be," she replied, taking my hand. "I know that you're scared, though I'm wondering now if your guilt is a part of this."

"Yes, I think it is. How about we save that for our session later this week?"

"Okay," she said. "But if it's really bothering you, just talk to me."

"I will." She had enough on her plate for the day and so had I. There was no need to add more conflict, and if I knew Bella, she'd feel guilty about me feeling guilty. And that wasn't something she needed at the time.

After a few minutes, Bella returned the paperwork and clipboard to the secretary. "Ms. Swan," the secretary said as she opened a door. "You can come inside now."

Bella sighed deeply and nodded. "Thank you," she said as she rose to her feet. Bella turned and pressed her lips to mine. "Love you."

"Love you, always."

With that said, Bella walked over to the door. "I have to run out to the bank," the secretary at the door said to someone behind her. "Should be back before your next appointment." I heard someone say something behind her as Bella and the secretary met at the door. With a smile, the woman brushed by Bella. "Go on in, dear."

A woman, in her late fifties greeted Bella at the door as the secretary walked out the door Bella and I had came in. She introduced herself, "Samantha Giles, how are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," Bella replied, she looked back at me. "That's Edward Cullen." I stood up and offered my hand. After a firm shake I took my seat again. The woman turned back to Bella.

Bella cleared her throat and offered her hand. "I'm Isabella Swan and I used to break hearts for a living."

The woman's eyebrows rose and she looked back at me, but kept her composure. Something Bella was able to do before, but now she struggled with it. "All right," she said, opening the door further. "Let's talk inside." Bella gave me a small smile and followed the woman, the door closing softly behind them.

~oOo~

Fifty-eight minutes, two chapters on my e-reader and a lot of pacing later, I watched as Bella emerged from behind the door. She gave Ms. Giles a small smile, repeating the time for their next session the following week. When Bella turned to look at me, I could see tears in her eyes. I rose and took her in my arms.

"Tell me what to do," I whispered, kissing her temple. "I hate not knowing what to do."

"This is perfect," she murmured. "Can we get out of here? Maybe take a walk."

"Anything," I replied as I led her out the door. There were little shops and other offices that flanked the building, but across the street was a cluster of trees, benches, and a playground. "Park?"

Bella nodded absently, and I knew then she was lost in her own mind. Perhaps, analyzing the very conversation that had just occurred. Her fingers wrapped around mine as we crossed the street to enter the park. The weather was pleasant, the sun just warming the outer layers of our clothing.

"Are you all right?" I asked, tightening my fingers around hers. She sighed deeply and looked at me.

"I will be," she replied softly. "All I did was talk, she didn't utter one word. I told her I wasn't seeing patients any longer. She only nodded. I've been through therapy when I was younger, after Brianna died. However, I hadn't remembered how it felt to sit on the other side of the couch."

"I've been on both sides of that couch," I murmured. "After I closed your file, I promised myself I wouldn't analyze everything you did."

"You still did."

"Yeah," she whispered. "How can you stand me?"

I sighed, thinking how best to answer. One thing I was sure of, she wasn't close enough. I found a shaded spot under a tree with a bench under it. "Let's sit down."

Bella nodded and sat warily beside me. "I'm not sure I'm ready to hear this."

"I'm going to tell you something that you may already know."

"That makes no sense."

"Think about it, it's in our nature to analyze who you're with. You were new to the whole relationship thing as I was. And I can tell you that I over-analyzed everything from the very beginning. Even now, every move you make I take into account so I don't say or do something that could hurt you."

"All right," she said thoughtfully. "I understand what you're saying, but sometimes it's still hard to comprehend how you can even stand the sight of me."

"That's easy, I fucking love you."

"Still don't see why," she mumbled.

"All this has you doubting my feelings for you?"

She shook her head. "No, what you feel is obvious. I'm just trying to see is why you do."

"That's not easy to answer, because it wasn't just one thing. It was the overall package. All of you. You're not fucking perfect, you never strove to be. And maybe because you don't try to be, it called to me in a way no one else before you ever had."

"I know I'm not. I am far from it. It's impossible to try to achieve perfection when everyone's thoughts on what that idea is, are different. The more I think about, the more I believe that you saw something in me that no one had been able to do. Not even my family."

"I broke through the exterior," I murmured. "Just like you've done with me."

"God, I love you," she said, laying her head on my shoulder. She wrapped an arm around my waist. "We'll get through this, just like we've gotten through everything else."

"Together," I whispered.

~oOo~

We spent the next hour roaming the park and talking of some of the things that been happening at work. I paid for bag of popcorn from a vendor and we walked over to a bench that sat near a small playground. Quietly, Bella and I shared the buttery snack, watching a group of children playing.

Bella sighed and I glanced down to see a beautiful smile on her face. The first genuine one that I'd seen all day. "What is it?" I asked, following her line of sight.

"The little girl with red hair," she said softly, laying her head on my shoulder. "She has the same color of hair as Brianna did when we were that age. Same laugh, too." I watched the redhead laugh as a little girl with long black hair chased her around a swing set.

I wrapped my arm around her shoulder, giving her a little squeeze. It seemed to be what she needed.

Bella looked up at me. "That's what we used to do, too."

The little girl with red curls turned suddenly to her friend and laughed in the other girl's face. They wrapped their arms around each other and giggled as the fell to the grass. Sun glinted off their matching smiles, their laughter filling the air. Bella and I laughed along with them.

---

AN: I hope you all understand, that Bella admitting what she did was wrong had to be done. It was the last thing she needed for her to move on.