CHAPTER 1:
(Jane)
I recognized him the moment my eyes chanced to fall upon him, as he stood at the entrance way of the building where Henry, Eliza and myself had been enjoying a recital by a famous lady of the opera before he turned and quickly left. Yes, even if it had been 17 years since I had left him standing outside the Inn where we had waited for a stage to continue us on our journey-and subsequently parted ways-while I caught the very next stagecoach back home, I would know him anywhere, my beloved Tom. I wondered at that moment that he had turned away to leave if he had seen me...seen me noticing him. Was that why he left? And in such a hurry? I was rendered speechless by the realization that he was there! What was he doing in London? Why wasn't he in Ireland? I couldn't help but wonder. We ourselves were in London regarding the printing of my book "Emma" and the reprinting of "Mansfield Park", which was now taken care of. I glanced quickly at both Eliza and Henry who also apparently had noticed Tom for they too looked at one another and then at myself. Before I found my voice and could say anything, Henry had left us...I knew instantly that he was going after Tom.
"I'll never forgive him.." I remarked to Eliza in a low voice.
"Of course you will. We always forgive him for everything." she replied.
It wasn't long before I saw my brother return to us with Tom. "Jane..." he said. "An old friend..."
So many emotions had run through me during this entire time upon first seeing Tom, from the blissful happiness I had felt when we first met and the time we had spent together, to the pain of having to part from him, to the elation I was feeling at seeing him again, to the...fear of inevitably being parted from him...again. I didn't want to go through that all over again. I hardly knew what to say. Looking up at Tom now, he was still as handsome as he ever was...even moreso if that was at all possible. I felt...confused. Why should we meet NOW? After all of these years? Why at all? I would have probably been better off remaining ignorant of his being there in London. These were the thoughts that were running through my mind as Eliza and myself bowed to Tom in acknowledgement and he returned the bow.
"My daughter...Miss Lefroy." Tom now introduced us to a young girl either in her early teens or very near, was my guess. How was it that I hadn't even noticed her? She was lovely, I thought feeling rather envious that she was not mine and Tom's daughter, but the product of the love between Tom and another... But then I knew...had known from our good friend and neighbour whom I adored, Mrs. Anne Lefroy, Tom's aunt and whom he had stayed with when we first met, that Tom now had 7 children. I had never, ever asked her for any information regarding Tom after we had parted, as it too painful for me. And I know that she spared me any news of him as much as she could, knowing how painful our inevitable break up had been for me. However, news has a way of slipping out and over the years I had learned of both Tom's marriage and his eventual seven children.
In thinking about all of this, I had missed part of what young Miss Lefroy had been asking of me, but I had caught the gist of it. She was asking if I would do a reading..
"Jane!" suddenly Tom's voice spoke out rather abruptly.
I stared at him momentarily stunned, at first thinking that he had been addressing me, but then a sudden realization dawned on me that it was his daughter he was talking to. I continued to stare at Tom and he looked back at me. Did I dare hope that he had actually named his daughter after me? But then, the name 'Jane' is a very common name. I didn't want to assume that of him...and his wife...YET... Henry was explaining the situation to young Miss Lefroy about me wanting to remain anonymous when suddenly, I felt the urge to do whatever I could to please Tom...but most especially, his daughter. "I will for my new friend if she wishes it. Come sit by me." And with that, I took her hand into mine and lead into the next room, placing her beside myself as we sat down, I opened the book and began to read...
I concentrated as best as I could, but my mind would not let me forget the fact that Tom was there...listening to me. At one point, the memory of another reading I had done...another one which Tom had also been at...quickly I brought my thoughts back to the present lest I lose myself in the past and stumble over a passage.
When I finished my reading, I closed the book, laid my hands upon it and only then did I allow myself to look up at Tom again, curious to see if was able to stay awake this time. What I saw was Tom gazing right back at me with a hint of a smile on his lips and clapping along with the audience, this time with genuine sincerity which took my breath away. While he was clapping, I couldn't help but notice his wedding ring. I allowed myself a small smile in return.
(Tom)
They say that you never forget your first REAL love...
No one was more shocked than myself when walking down the street in London towards my carriage after enjoying a lunch with my eldest daughter Jane, I happened to see them. I was so surprised that I literally stopped in my tracks and stared at them wondering if I were dreaming. I don't know if I can describe the range of emotions I felt in those first seconds I saw her...I had learned from my Aunt Anne Lefroy that she had never married...and ever since...I had wondered about that. Did I dare even think or believe that the reason she never married was because...because of me? But how could I be so arrogant and selfish to assume that...surely there had been other men for her...?
They continued coming towards us and eventually, we would all meet..what would I say, after all of these years, I wondered...I say "they" but my eyes were really only fixed upon one and only one in particular. No matter how much time had passed, I knew I would never forget her...could never forget her no matter how many years would pass...no matter how old we would grow..
I prepared myself for the inevitable reunion when the three of them made an abrupt turn and walked towards one of the buildings. They hadn't even seen me...without even thinking, I pulled my eldest daughter along with me towards the very building I had seen them enter.
"Where are we going father?" She asked me.
Where were we going? Good question as I hadn't a clue as to what was in that building Henry, Eliza and Jane had just entered, but we were about to find out as I felt compelled to follow. "A surprise." I replied
"What kind of surprise?"
"Well if I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise now would it?" This reply helped her to hold her tongue.
We climbed the stairs and went into the building but didn't go very far inside. We were soon to find out that there was a singing recital going on. I found us two seats near the doorway but I didn't really listen to the music. I gave my full attention to searching amongst the audience faces for Jane's.
At last I spotter her. But I knew she would never notice me, where she was and where we were. I was in agony. I longed, practically willed her to just glance over my way...but she never did.
When at last the recital was over and my daughter Jane and I stood up, I had momentarily taken my eyes off of where Jane, Henry and Eliza had been sitting. I looked back to find that they too had also stood up and I momentarily lost sight of them. I moved towards where they had been and then...I saw them again much to my relief. I noticed a young woman also approaching the trio, so I stopped where I was and strained to hear her...something about if she was the Jane Austen, author of Pride and Prejudice. My aunt Anne had also informed me of Jane's book Pride and Prejudice and of it's success. I won't lie, I had quietly swelled with pride for her when I had learned of that...Jane, and her accomplishment with her book. In fact, once I knew about the book, I had to go and buy it...for my oldest daughter of course...was my excuse. I actually had planned to read it myself. And without my family ever finding out...I did just that. And what I read...rather astounded me...
But I was not thinking about that just now and when I heard Henry tell the young woman that Jane was trying to remain anonymous. Those words hit me just then. Things had changed in 17 years. Jane could now claim to be an author...a bit of a famous one at that. To the point that people off of the street-in a manner of speaking-recognized her. And Henry was there to shield her from her "fans". That's how famous she was becoming. And I was sure it was just the beginning for her.
What then, was I doing there...now...after all of these years. She had moved on with her life, doing exactly what she had said she would do, making a living by her pen. She didn't need me...I also realized that I was suddenly afraid...afraid of rejection...
As my daughter Jane and I had been standing by door when I came to this decision, I looked back over at Jane one last time before leaving her forever. I just wanted to take a mental picture of her with me when I left this time, for good. But something happened that I did not count on. This time she saw me...just as I was ready to leave, Jane happened to look over at me. At first I was rooted to the spot, but I knew if I was going to leave, I had to do it now, because perhaps she hadn't seen me after all. You know, like when you look at someone or something but don't actually see it? I thought that it was possible that she hadn't really seen me after all. I quickly turned and left the building with my daughter, hurried down the stairs and back onto the sidewalk heading towards our goal in the first place, before I had seen Henry, Eliza and Jane, which was my carriage to take us back over to my law office and abode. Then...I heard it...
"Lefroy!" It was un-mistakenly, Henry's voice. "Lefroy! WAIT!" He called out again.
"Father, someone is calling you! Don't you hear him? He wants you to stop!" Jane stopped here and I had no choice but to stop as well. I knew I had to allow Henry to catch up with us.
"Lefroy!" Henry cried out once more as he approached us.
Turning, I smiled. "Henry..it's been a long time."
"Indeed it has!" He agreed with a grin.
"This is my eldest daughter, Miss Jane Lefroy. Jane...this is an old friend...Mr. Henry Austen..." I introduced the two.
My daughter curtsied politely while Henry politely took her hand and smiled at her.
"And there are a couple more old friends whom I am sure would also love to see you...and meet your charming young daughter." Henry said giving me a small wink. I understood that wink.
Something told me that I should protest...make an excuse...but...I couldn't. Truthfully, I didn't want to. Something had awakened in me...come alive again when I first saw her. I needed to see her...no, I had already seen her, I needed to talk to her again as well. I only realized in that moment, just how much I wanted to talk to her again. I allowed Henry to lead us back into the building from which we had just vacated and easily lead us over to where Eliza and Jane were waiting..
"Jane...an old friend.." Was how Henry re-introduced us. Jane and Eliza bowed politely and I returned it. "My daughter, Miss Lefroy." I now introduced the three females.
My daughter, having managed to put together "Henry Austen" and Henry's addressing his sister, "Jane" had come up with the right combination. "Your Miss Jane Austen?" she asked eagerly. "Would you do a reading for us?"
"Jane!" I admonished her lightly for having spoken without being spoken too or requested to. I didn't want them to think I had raised my daughter to have bad manners.
I noticed now how Jane had looked at me rather surprised. It was true...I had encouraged my wife to name our first born girl "Jane" although I had never told her why...that Jane was still very strongly in my heart at the time. After all, we had almost been married. The day she left me and returned home by stagecoach had been very painful for me and had remained a painful memory, even after I had married. Eventually however, time did have a way of alleviating the pain. After Jane had left me, I had returned home and hastily married the woman I had been engaged to before I had returned to Jane. Our first child was born before we celebrated our first wedding anniversary, it was a boy. I had found myself really hoping for a girl so that she could be called Jane. I won't say that I was disappointed that I had a son, every man wants a son, every man wants his first born child to be a son. I love my son...was very proud of my son. But my heart would not let go of the idea of having a girl that we could name Jane. I would have to wait for just over two years before I would have the daughter I wanted and as another Jane was still very much in my heart when she was born, I still insisted on naming her Jane. She had to be named "Jane" for this way, I would be able to lose myself in my love for another "Jane"...one who would never leave me...one who would always be a part of me and my life...my daughter. And thankfully, my wife held no objections with the name for her own mother was named Jane, Lady Jane Paul. It goes without saying that she was quite pleased that I had insisted on our daughter also being named Jane...and I allowed my wife to believe that we had named her after her mother.
I understood why Jane had left...I knew she was hurting as much as I was, but we both also knew deep down that life for us would have been very difficult had we gone ahead with the marriage. Suddenly Jane spoke..it was the first I had heard her voice in a very long time. What she said, touched my heart considerably.
"I will for my new friend if she wishes it. Come sit by me." She then took my daughter by the hand and lead her into the next room, placing her beside herself and after they were seated, Jane opened the book and began to read...
This time, Jane had my full attention as I hung onto every word she spoke. I was mesmerized by the soft, flowing cadence of her voice. She could go on forever and I would never tire of listening to her..all too soon she came to the end, closed her book and gently placed her hands upon it. Slowly she looked up at me and I looked down at her..I couldn't help but smile. I realized that the audience was clapping and I too joined in. She smiled back at me. I couldn't let her go now. Not this time.