John sat on the couch picking at the food on his plate but not really eating any of it. Sherlock sat silently beside him, holding his own plate in his hands, food untouched and making no effort to eat any of it. The room was pretty full and people were talking amongst themselves but thankfully for the moment they were leaving John alone. He nearly scowled at the food in front of him; if he had been at all hungry before the conversations with his family had taken that little bit of appetite away.
He sighed quietly to himself. This day had been emotionally draining and he was so tired. The sadness of watching them bury his sister, his regret over the way that they had left things, and the stress of having to interact with his family had been almost more than he could handle. He just wanted to go home, crawl in bed, and be alone for a while. He couldn't wait until this day was behind him and he tried to figure out how much longer they should stay here until it was acceptable to leave.
He glanced over at Sherlock. He sat completely still beside John, perfect posture, dark coat still on, and staring straight ahead. Obviously, he was uncomfortable and hating every second of this experience. John really couldn't believe that Sherlock was here. He hadn't even asked Sherlock to come with him because he was sure that Sherlock wouldn't say yes in a million years. But here he was and John was, despite the run ins with his relatives, very grateful. It had meant a lot to him to have Sherlock by his side. As heavy as this day weighed upon him, he knew that he had gained strength by having his friend by his side.
John spent a few more minuets lost in thought, when suddenly Sherlock declared beside him "John, I think I love you."
At precisely that second, all conversations in the room had ceased and the room was perfectly quiet for Sherlock's declaration. All heads popped up and over to where Sherlock and John were seated. The faces of all John's family members looked at John and Sherlock in shock and maybe a bit of horror. Their mouths dropped open and their eyes stared wide.
John bolted out of his own train of thought and his head snapped up meeting the many sets of eyes staring at him and his flatmate. Wondering, they were all wondering what he would say. A million questions sat on their faces. A million questions swirled in John's own mind. Surely, he must have heard Sherlock wrong. A plethora of emotions rushed through his system and he somehow managed to turn his head and look at Sherlock.
Sherlock sat there calmly, his head already turned back and staring ahead at the point he had been looking at before. He was acting as if he had said the most normal and mundane of things. He was completely oblivious to the energy in the room and the attention that was directed at him and John at this moment. He felt himself break out in a sweat all over his body and yet his mouth was so incredibly dry as he tried to get it to work. "Wh-what-what did you say?"
"I said 'I think I love you.' I thought you ought to know," he replied nonchalantly. The crowd around them now started to murmur and smile slightly. They looked as if they were watching the most interesting telly program. John knew he had to do something.
"Sherlock, uh…let's uh…step outside, ok? Yeah," he said not waiting for a reply and grabbing Sherlock's arm and leading him outside.
Sherlock surprisingly followed John outside and now that they were out here it was easy to see that Sherlock's act of calmness was just that, an act. "John, really, what are we doing out here?"
"Sherlock, you want to explain what is going on here?"
"You're the one that brought me out here," Sherlock said trying to brush the attention off of him and back on to John.
"No, I mean about what you said. In there."
"John, there is really no need to make a big deal out of it." John was surprised to see that Sherlock was fidgeting. He shifted from foot to foot and his eyes were darting everywhere but at John. Sherlock was nervous.
"I think there is. You've…never said that to me. What did you mean by that?"
John's head was spinning and he wasn't sure he wanted the answer. Hearing Sherlock say that he loved John was the last thing John thought he would hear today. He didn't think Sherlock meant it that way but one could never be sure of anything around Sherlock Holmes. John knew that he was the one person in the world that knew the most about Sherlock and still he knew so little. And the fact that Sherlock was so nervous, the fact that he was nervous at all, made John's unease grow.
Realization dawned on Sherlock's face as he put together what John was asking. He sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. "Please, John, how many times do we have to have this conversation? No, I didn't mean it that way. And honestly, I just wish I hadn't said anything at all," he said turning and walking back towards the house.
O.K. so Sherlock didn't mean he was in love with John. That was a relief. Now that John had cleared that up he could move on. He'd obviously embarrassed Sherlock and he had to make things right. "Wait, Sherlock. Stop." But Sherlock just kept walking. John rushed after him and grabbed him by the arm. Sherlock turned around to face him.
"What?" Sherlock said impatiently.
"I'm glad you said something." Sherlock just gave a little humph in response.
"I'm sorry I embarrassed you."
"You didn't embarrass me," Sherlock scoffed as if it was the most preposterous thought in the world.
"O.k." John said though he didn't believe that for one second. "I'm sorry I got it wrong then."
Sherlock relaxed a little but John could still see he was still uncomfortable. "I just…you've never said that to me," John explained.
Sherlock looked around before finally looking back at John. "That is why I said it. So, you would know."
"What brought this on?"
Sherlock rolled his eyes and looked like this was the last conversation that he wanted to have. "This isn't a big deal. I just…this whole situation just got me thinking."
John raised his eyebrow in response. "What situation?"
"It's just, that I've seen how much you regret not telling your sister how much you cared for her. You did love her and you would have told her but you ran out of time. Well, it just made me think that that could happen to anyone really. And…I just wanted you to know how I felt because I never have told you." Sherlock said all of this not meeting John's eyes but he added quickly "And I'll not be having a bunch of guilt on my shoulders on account of you, alright? If something were to happen to you I just do not have time for guilt. Muddles the brain, slows down the thinking and I'll not have it," he said sternly but John could tell it was not real.
John had to stifle a laugh. Sherlock was so uncomfortable and nervous and it was funny to see. But John kept it in, knowing Sherlock wouldn't find it funny at all. "Oh."
"I mean, really, it should be obvious. I shouldn't have had to say it in the first place. Your deductions skills are quite mediocre. You should really work on that."
Now John smiled. "I will."
"Alright, well I'm glad we cleared that up," Sherlock said turning and starting to walk away.
"Sherlock," John said calling after him. Sherlock turned around and faced John. "I feel the same way. I thought you ought to know."
Sherlock just smiled in response. "How about we get out of here and go home?" John suggested.
"It is about time," Sherlock said with a genuine smile.
That concludes "A Study in Regret." I hope that you enjoyed it and I hope you'll leave me a comment. If you're a Doctor Who fan check out a little one shot I just finished called "Heavy Memories." Thanks for reading!