I've had a busy week (well past couple of weeks, really) but I'm hoping that after this weekend, things will start slowing down to more of a "normal dull roar" agan, lol. ;-D
CHAPTER 18:
Jane:
We all met up at the breakfast table, with the exception of Henry and Eliza who had not made an appearance yet.
"Good morning Miss Austen...Jane.." Tom stood up and greeted us and then sat us down. "I hope you both slept well?"
"Good morning, we did yes, thank you, Mr. Lefroy, very well." Cassandra answered for both of us.
"Good morning, Mr. Lefroy...Miss Lefroy, Sarah.." I added my own greetings and then, "Good morning children." with a smile at them. My greetings were returned by all including the children, although a bit more quietly as they seemed to be taken a bit by surprise that I had addressed them.
While we were waiting for Henry and Eliza to show up, I decided it might be best to bring up the subject of Cassandra's and my earlier roaming.
"Mr. Lefroy..." I now turned to Tom.
"Yes, Jane?"
"I have a bit of a confession to make."
"Oh?"
"Yes...I'm afraid that I was a bit impatient and could not wait to show Cassandra the lovely room you had shown me last night. You see, Cassandra helps me with my writing by giving me her input and we discuss certain aspects of the stories, mostly to do with the characters and in a sense I feel that it would be just as much hers as mine in that respect. I hope you understand that I really wanted to be able to show it to her on my own and we did so this morning before coming downstairs."
Tom gazed at me for a couple of seconds before breaking into a smile and said, "Of course, Jane. It is like I told you last night that the room is yours to come and go as you please. I trust you still found it as acceptable this morning as you did last night?"
"Oh yes, Tom! Even more so if that is at all possible. All is as you told me last night and the view is splendid."
"It certainly is a lovely room Tom." Cassandra now added.
"I'm happy you approve." Tom replied to both of still smiling, but then he turned his focus to me and his eyes told me so much more than his words. I had to look away before I started blushing under his gaze.
"What is this you need Tom's approval for Jane?" As usual, Henry just happened to be entering the room at a most convenient time. Not soon enough to know what we were talking about but in time to be curious about what we had been talking about. "I hope my youngest sister has at least been behaving herself, Tom?" He now addressed Tom with a bit of a grin.
Oh how Henry could not resist teasing me and more so, I had noticed in particular when we were in London, in Tom's presence too!
"Really Henry!" Eliza tried to chastise him. "Leave poor Jane alone for once!"
"Jane has been a perfect guest." Tom answered Henry firmly...which did make me blush somewhat.
In order to take the attention away from myself, I now asked of Tom. "When would be an appropriate time in which I will be able to listen to Jane play, Tom?"
"Probably this afternoon when her studies are done. Unless Sarah and Phoebe can spare her from helping with the younger children's studies for a little while, this morning. Sarah? Phoebe? Would it be alright if Jane does a little playing for our guest this morning? Perhaps right after breakfast even and while the rest of the children are starting their own studies." Tom suggested.
"I'm sure that would be fine Tom." Phoebe agreed. "Jane can always do her studies right after."
"Yes, that won't be a problem Tom." Sarah added her own input.
"Good. Then you may take Miss Jane with you to the music room when are finished with your breakfast and have been excused, Jane. But now it is time to for us to eat, please let us bow and give thanks." This time was Tom who said the blessing..
Throughout the morning meal, I watched young Jane as closely as I was able to without making it look obvious and sort of saw what Tom had been referring to about her looking after her younger siblings. It was she who made sure that they were eating and were quiet and minding their manners at the table and likewise it was Jane that the younger ones addressed if they needed or wanted anything. But she also might be like that at meal times when all of the adults are together, so that her aunts would be free to converse with the rest of us without any disturbance. I really couldn't be sure. One thing, I was starting to form somewhat of a theory about Jane of my own based on my memories of her in London and the little I have seen of her thus far in her own home.
I finally found myself alone with Jane after we had finished a pleasant breakfast meal and had been excused. She lead me through the main entrance way and towards the music room, the room that held the piano. After we entered I went to close the door and then thought I should ask Jane if she thought it would be alright that I did so. After her affirmative reply, I went ahead and did so, then joined her at the piano.
"Which would you like me to play first Miss Aus...excuse me...Miss Jane?" she asked of me politely.
"Oh it doesn't matter to me dearest, I should like to hear all that you have been practicing. You start where you want and play through all of them in whichever order."
After which I left her sitting at the piano and sat down in one of the chairs closest to her. What I heard amazed me...she had been good when I heard her in London, but she really had come quite far since then. I was more than impressed as she played song after song for me.
When at last she finished, I couldn't help but clap as I stood up and went over to her. "That was wonderful Jane! I can tell you worked very hard and diligently since I saw you in London last. You play beautifully!" An idea came into my head just then. "You know...we cannot...should not hide this talent of yours."
She looked at me questioningly. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that...maybe you should have a bit of recital."
Jane gasped at this, just as another idea came into my head. "Wait...the Christmas Ball. You should play at the Christmas Ball!"
"Oh...I don't know that I should..." Jane replied then I could see her practically biting her tongue and blush for I'm sure she felt she shouldn't contradict me.
I became thoughtful. I really thought she should do this. "You wouldn't have to actually make it like a recital...but what you could do is just play the piano when there is a break from the dancing...while people are milling about, visiting and when they are eating. It would be more like...background music. And...if it would make you feel any better, I could sit with you at the piano."
Jane didn't say anything at first, I could tell that she was thinking about it. Finally she said, "Miss Jane...I will do it that way if..." she stopped here.
"Yes?" I encouraged her.
"If...would you play a duet with me first?" She finally blurted out.
Now I was the surprised one. But...it was a good idea. Perhaps it would settle her nerves somewhat if we were to do a duet.
"That is a fine idea, I accept." I told her with a smile. "But...we should ask your father for his permission first to do this of course."
Jane looked visibly relieved at my answer as she agreed with me.
"And then...we shall have to pick out a piece that we both like and get to practicing it."
With this, we both left the music room to go in search of Tom whom we found in his study. He first looked up and then stood up as we entered.
"I trust the piano playing went well?" He asked of us.
"Oh quite well...very well indeed! In fact...that is why we have come..." I replied.
Tom looked at me in askance. "Yes?"
"I could tell that Jane has put a lot of hard work and effort into her practicing over the past few months. She plays beautifully. And it was my idea that her talent on the piano should be shown."
"In what way?" Tom now wore a slight frown on his face.
"At first I was thinking of a recital, but then I thought perhaps it would be better if she were to play a little bit at the Christmas Ball. Sort of background music when there is a break in the dancing. While people are visiting and eating. That way, she won't be.."on display", but could still be heard enough. We would like your permission for her to do so."
"And you think you would like to do this Jane?" Tom asked his daughter.
"Yes Father, I think I should...I think I should like to try."
"I have promised Jane that I will sit with her while she plays if she likes and she and I will also play a duet which of course we will need to take the time to learn."
Tom took a few minutes to think this over before answering, "Then you have my permission. We will have to arrange a time for the two of you to learn your song as well as continue practice for Jane."
Now he smiled at us both. He seemed to be genuinely pleased with this idea.
"She has been practicing in the afternoons after all of her schooling and activities are done for the day." Tom went on.
"If it would be alright, we could continue on with the same time. We may need a little extra time for our duet, although Jane has become so good at the other songs I have taught her, she won't need to really practice them as much, as long as she keeps up on them."
"Very well. Jane you may return to your studies now." Tom instructed. Jane bowed slightly to us and left the room.
"Thank you Tom, I really think this will be a good thing for Jane. You may not like the idea of putting her out in front of everyone like a show piece, but this way, she can show her talent without having to become the main focus of everyone's attention. She was reluctant to do it that way anyway, which is why I switched from the idea of a recital to having her play at the Christmas Ball. And now in hindsight, I believe the Christmas Ball would be the better idea of the two for Jane anyway, to not put her directly onto a stage in front of everyone, straight away."
"You read both myself and my daughter very well Jane and I appreciate it. You are correct in that I do not like the idea of her nor any of my children to be exposed while they are still children in this way. I want them to have as normal a childhood as is possible. There will be plenty of time when they are adults to take that route in life if they wish it."
"And I both agree and respect your wishes about that Tom. I also think this is good for Jane's social skills."
Tom frowned at me. "In what way do you mean Jane?"
"Forgive me Tom, but I feel that Jane has perhaps..."stifled" herself in that respect. Whether on purpose or subconsciously, I do not know. But I think that she feels caught between wanting to be more sociable yet feeling more comfortable just being amongst her siblings. She will be reaching that age where she should be wanting to go to balls..."
I noticed Tom's expression of mixed emotions as I said this, so I proceeded quickly, "Not in hopes of getting a husband...at least not yet, but for fun. For the experience. Balls are a part of life...and society. They play a big role in helping develop social skills. You don't want Jane to become the mother of her siblings...this is one way in which she can start to become the young lady she is not that long in becoming and should. I believe that Jane both desires to be a part of society yet she also fears it, so she uses the excuse that her brother's and sister's need her to be their mother in order to avoid it. And by playing at the Christmas Ball, it could be a start for her with both becoming more comfortable in society and overcoming the fear part of it."
Tom was silent for several minutes while he mulled over my analysis of his daughter. Then in a quiet voice, "She was definitely more sociable when Mary was alive..." He admitted softly.
My heart went out to Jane...and Tom, really. "Then you have my full support of this idea of yours, Jane." He agreed once again even more firmly than he had before.
"Thank you Tom, I'm sure you won't be disappointed." I flashed him a smile.
"Thank you Jane...for being so observant. And...everything." He smiled back at me.
"If you will excuse me then, I will leave you to your work now." I bowed slightly, with every intention of leaving the room.
Tom:
While Jane had been giving me her own thoughts on my oldest daughter, a funny notion was also starting to creep into my own mind...an idea that shocked me...and even shook me to my core...
When Mary was alive, everything was of course, normal with my family. But after her death...as I had told Jane, I had noticed my own daughter changing...becoming more serious and more like a mother to her younger siblings. But when Jane pointed out how she seemed to be more comfortable with mothering her own siblings than to be out in society like a young girl should...I couldn't help but wonder...was I in part or maybe even fully to blame for that? Had I, after Mary's death and seeing how Jane reacted, been too protective of her? Had I sheltered her too much to try and keep her from as much of the pain as possible? With Mary gone...had I...the idea was almost too much for me to bear...but...I forced myself to...with Mary gone...had I, in some subconscious way, wanted to somehow keep Jane from growing up so that one day, she too wouldn't leave me? And because of that, had I been the one who kept her so well protected? TOO well protected? Was I the one who had actually been "stifling" Jane's social skills so that she was starting to fear society and not wish to be a part of it? Again...so that she wouldn't leave me? I suddenly felt ill.
"Tom?" I heard a voice come from out of the recesses of my mind. "Tom! Are you alright?"
I looked up as I followed the direction of where the voice was coming from and realized that Jane had not left the room yet after all, her expression having turned to one of genuine concern as she quickly made her way over to me. "Tom! You've gone deathly white! Are you ill? Let me fetch you some water, you stay put."
Unable to speak, I pointed a slightly shaky finger to my water and glasses to Jane who very quickly and efficiently poured some, brought it over to me for which I took very gratefully some and gulped it down my suddenly dry throat, Jane dropping down onto her knees before me while I drank.
"Tom..." Jane finally spoke after several seconds of watching me closely, sounding a bit relieved and even had a bit of a smile playing on her lips. "There...you've got some colour back in your face now at least. Do you think you are ill or coming down with something perhaps?"
"No..." I was touched by her concern for me and replied in a bit of a shaky voice. "Jane..." I gulped as I spoke, "I have to ask you something...I need your opinion..."
"Of course Tom...what is it?" Jane asked gently, looking up into my face, still on her knees before me.
Taking a deep breath, in a quiet, subdued voice, I disclosed Jane the conclusion I had just discovered about myself to her.
"Oh Tom..." Jane started off when I had finished. "I think that you were...are just being a protective father of his daughter after she had lost her mother...and as you should. She is the oldest daughter after all and you said yourself how close she and her mother were. You saw the changes her mother's death brought on...it concerned you, I am sure. Perhaps you were being a little over protective, but I think you were acting in a fairly normal manner. However, you are going to have to "let her go" you do realize. You will have to accept the fact that one day there could very well be another man in her life who will take over from you and you will have to let her go."
After confessing my new found fear to Jane, I started feeling much better. And after listening to her, I knew she was right.
"I know." I agreed finally smiling weakly down at her. My "crisis" seemingly over, Jane now stood up and returned the smile.
"It's funny how it seems to be the fathers who have a harder time letting their daughters go. Mothers cannot wait to get their daughters out into society in order to find a suitable husband, preferably one well off, but fathers seem content to keep their daughters at home...at least until a man they feel is good enough for their daughter is found. At least in some cases. Perhaps not all, but in some."
I allowed a small chuckle to escape, thinking that she sounded quite right in her what she said. "Thank you, Jane." I said quietly.
"You're welcome Tom, of course. And now...I feel I can leave you to your work."
I nodded my head slightly, wishing I had a reason to keep her in my study for just a little while longer, but as I couldn't, I had to let her go. Gazing after her retreating form, I was still seeing her on her knees at the my feet and looking up at me with genuine concern both in her beautiful deep brown eyes and on her lovely face...Jane was not making it easy for me to have to wait...
Jane:
I left the room with one place in mind to go...his library. On the way there, I thought back to our little talk and Tom's "episode" which seemed to be the result of "shock". It had given me such a fright to see him go so deathly white in the matter of just seconds. He had looked fine when I was set to leave his office in the first place, but when his face had turned colour so drastically and so suddenly, it really gave my heart a turn. I was glad that I had been there and was able to help him overcome it.
"Poor Tom." I thought to myself. "He too is feeling the consequences of his wife's death with his own children." That idea though, was more proof to me how much he loved his family, how devoted he was to them. Even with a houseful of help between his sisters and servants, he was still feeling that it was not easy emotionally to bring up his children without their mother. This thought saddened me somewhat. "I must do whatever I can to help him out while I am here." I decided firmly. One thing, I was glad to see that in some ways, Tom was a lot like my own father with his children, being very kind, gentle and loving with them. I loved my father, he had always been encouraging of my writing. For that I will be forever grateful.
And with that thought, I found myself in his library where I spent the rest of the morning, looking over his books and even finding some that were appealing to me. I only took one for now though and thought how that lovely room Tom had given to me would also be a nice place in which to read in. Which reminded me...I should seek out Cassandra...although I was sure she would be with Henry and Eliza. I looked around the library and decided that I would sit and read for a bit in here first...
I hadn't realized the time when suddenly Cassandra had entered the library. "There you are, Jane!" Her voice startled me out of my reading. "It is time for our lunch!"
"Already?" I asked, surprised that the morning was almost gone.
"Yes! Is there where you hid yourself after you listened to Jane play?" She asked.
"Afterwards, we had a talk with Tom." I then filled her in on how I felt that Jane should play at the Christmas ball and how we had taken the idea to Tom. I left out the part about Tom having become briefly ill as I didn't think it was my right to tell her something that I felt was more personal for Tom. "I apologize. I was thinking of looking for you, but I had wanted to check out Tom's library and when I found this book I had only meant to read a bit of it, but became intrigued by it. What have you been doing this morning?"
"Henry, Eliza and myself have been keeping ourselves occupied in the sitting room that we were in last night. I thought I should write to mama and let her know that we have arrived safely."
"That was good of you Cassandra. I'm sure that she will be wanting to hear from us." I felt a bit guilty as that idea hadn't even occurred to myself.
"They sent me to find you, Jane so we really should make our way to the dining room."
"Yes, of course." I stood up and with my book, we left the library. As we passed the staircase, I told Cassandra that I should take the book I had found upstairs to our room. I told her that she could carry on to the dining room without me, but she said she would wait. I promised only to be a moment and flew up the stairs as quickly as I could, then returned to her in good time where we joined the rest in the dining room. All were there already. I felt guilty for having held them up.
"I do apologize for keeping you all waiting." I said straight away. "I went into your library Mr. Lefroy where I found a book and had only intended on reading a little bit, but found myself so immersed that the time slipped away on me."
Tom had stood up when we entered the dining room and answered while he seated us, "Do not worry about it Jane. I am happy to hear that you have found some reading material that interests you."
Once we were all seated, the blessing said, and we had started in on the food, Tom spoke to his children..and to his sisters.
"As there has been no snow or rain today..and the clouds are starting to break apart a bit, I think taking a walk might be would be an idea."
I noticed that his children seemed to like the idea of being able to get outside for their faces seemed to brighten at the mention of it. I also liked it. I had been hoping for the chance to have a walk on his land.
"Oh, I should very much like to take a walk on your grounds, Mr. Lefroy. Would it be alright if I join the children when they go on their walk? Perhaps they can show me around a bit. I should also like to see the river that runs across your land."
"I am sure the children wouldn't object to you joining us, Jane." Tom smiled at me.
Us? I first thought. Oh yes...Tom had told us that he sometimes will take part in the children's activities whenever he is able to. Looking at Tom's offspring, I could see that they were once again taken by surprise a little bit by my request.
"Oh please do join us, Jane!" Sarah now added in delight. "It would be so lovely to have you."
"Thank you Sarah. I am already looking forward to seeing more of this splendid place."
As we continued on with our meal and conversations, I could tell that Tom would look at me from time to time. I'm sure he was pleased that I had asked to join them. It was true, I was looking forward to the outing.
At the allotted time, Tom went around and gathered us all. As it turned out, Henry, Eliza and Cassandra had all decided to come along as well. Tom's children had already been gathered and were already in their outer-wear by the time we met them at the door.
"To save us time." Tom explained with a bit of a twinkle in his eye. "Instead of having all of us trying to get into everything at once."
I couldn't help but smile at that.
We were all one fairly big group that headed outside into what had become more of a sunny day, making the colours in the scene before us even more vivid. Once we were down the stairs and away from the house, the children seemed more at ease and almost at once, Anthony and the boys ran a little ways from the group and started at what looked to me like they were chasing each other, but soon I realized that Anthony was actually chasing all of them, each of the younger ones trying to protect themselves by either hiding behind another or even playfully pushing another into Anthony's path.
"Play fairly, Anthony!" Tom called after them. "Don't forget that you are bigger than they!"
I saw Anthony nod his head towards his father to let him know that he had heard him and understood, then slowed his running so as not to easily overtake his younger brothers. We all had stopped to watch the boys play who were now not only running but laughing as they tried to keep away from Anthony. I could see that Anthony was pretending to not be able to catch them but finally he caught the youngest, George. Then Anne couldn't seem to keep still any longer and she too ran and joined in the game.
"Come on Jane! "You join us too!" Anthony called out. At first I thought he was talking to me, until young Jane answered him.
"Not right now, Anthony."
I wondered if the reason why Jane had decided to not join in had something to do with her age...maybe she was starting to become that young woman...
We all watched and laughed at the five of them laughing and running. As we continued to watch, I started to see that once Anthony caught one, the one caught would team up with Anthony and also start to give chase on the rest. One by one, the boys were all caught which left only had Anne left whom I could see that having a bit of a harder time than the boys running in her dress. It was unfair to her, I thought, her being a girl, in a dress and having four boys after her. I couldn't help myself, I ran to where she was as I wanted to help Anne even though I was sure that Anthony at least was playing as fairly as he could. Anne was older than the older three boys, but it still wasn't fair, I didn't think.
I found myself getting caught up in the game, keeping Anne out of the reach of all of the boys and laughing as I did so, enjoying myself as much as the children. I was so caught up in having to keep an eye on all of the boys and keep Anne out of their way, that I jumped out of my skin when I suddenly felt hands clamp gently down on my own shoulders and simultaneously heard a soft "Got you!" right by my ear. I whirled around to see that it was Tom who had "got" me. I was so surprised that I could not say a word at first as I looked up into his laughing blue eyes. Realizing that it had been his hands that had been on my shoulders sent a tingling sensation surging through my body that I had not felt in 17 years...of course we had done the customary touching whenever he helped me either in or out of the carriage back in London (I didn't even know if it had been he or Henry who had helped me out of the carriage here at his home in Ireland, but I had a strong suspicion...) and whenever he had escorted me, but this time it was different...it was the same feeling I had felt whenever Tom and I had touched me during our..."courtship" 17 years ago...a sensation hard to describe. After I had left him all of those years ago, I had worked hard on making myself forget how it had made me feel every time we had touched during that time...and now...I almost believe that this time, that "tingling" feeling might have even become stronger now...
When I was able to finally pull myself away from him and found my wits again, I said lightly, "Mr. Lefroy...it is obvious that you do not play fairly yourself."
"I don't? And how so?" He asked.
"It is young Mr. Lefroy and the young boys who are giving chase, not yourself." I pointed out.
Tom's smile widened as he said, "Ah, but Miss Austen, you were not playing fairly either then as you were not part of the game when they started playing. You jumped into it nearly at the end of the game."
"Only to help Anne as I didn't think it was fair to have four boys against one girl who has a harder time running in a dress than a boy would in trousers. I was merely evening the odds a little bit for her."
"I see..." Tom replied thoughtfully.
"And you yourself jumped into the game at the end siding with the boys which once again lessened the odds I was trying to make for Anne."
"I did not join in to side with the boys though, Miss Austen."
"Oh?"
"No." He replied, those eyes of his, now seemed to be sparkling. "I was hoping to engage in a little game with you."
Now I was so surprised I couldn't think of what to say at first. Then finally after a few seconds, "Then you still were not playing fairly Mr. Lefroy as I did not know that you had started a game with me." I objected.
Tom first gazed at me with his half smile then bowed slightly in acknowledgement of my words and said, "You are right of course Miss Austen, I had not informed you of my intent. It was not fair of me."
"Mr. Lefroy..."I found myself unable to resist adding, "Had I known you were playing, I perhaps could have given chase after you." As soon as I spoke, I realized what those words could mean and wished them back immediately.
Tom expression became one of amusement at my words. "Yes...I guess you could have...if you had wanted to." I detected the double meaning behind his answer...I had hoped he wouldn't come to the same conclusion I had as soon as I had spoken them, but, it appeared he had after all. However, he didn't go on about it and perhaps he did it keep me from further embarrassment. If so, I had to be grateful to him for it. "But as I caught you we are on the same side now, so you can't give chase to me now." He finished.
During our exchange the boys had caught Anne thus ending the game-or so I would assume-so I took advantage of it as a way out of my own situation with Tom.
"As everyone has been caught, I should like to go and see the river now, if that is alright with you Mr. Lefroy."
Still wearing an amused expression, Tom replied, "That is fine with me Miss Austen, lead the way children, but mind you are careful down there, you know the rules regarding the riverbanks, especially when the ground is wet!" He ended rather sternly, clearly to make certain they remembered the dangers of a slippery riverbank. "Anthony, Jane I want you to both of you keep a good, firm watch of your younger siblings down there!" He added before a chorus of 'Yes, Father"'s were heard as they all acknowledged their father's warning, then ran off towards the river ahead of the rest of us. Only little Mary stayed with us now holding onto her father's hand, Tom not allowing his youngest daughter to go off with her brother's and sister's to the river. I couldn't say that I blamed him there.
"Will they really be alright without an adult down there to supervise them?" Eliza asked, surprised.
"They'll be fine." Tom replied full of confidence. "They have grown up here and have learned early on about the dangers of the riverbank...as well as that any misbehaviour of any kind by the river will be strictly dealt with. As we are right behind them, we will be there momentarily ourselves."
As we started off to follow the children, to my surprise I felt little Mary's mittened hand reach up and try to take my own into hers. I looked down into the sweet face and smiled at her realizing with a profound tenderness in my heart that this little thing most likely couldn't even remember her mother...and never would. Although, I had no doubt in my mind that Tom would make sure that she knew about her mother. I took the little hand into my own and when I looked up again, I noticed Tom was gazing at me with that expression that I still refused to allow my heart and mind accept in the way I wanted to interpret it...
It was lovely down by the river, I had noticed that there were trees scattered here and there along the river bank on either side. One day before we left, I knew I would have to take a walk along this river, in either direction and see where it would take me. But for now, I couldn't concentrate on it fully as I was doing all I could do to keep my mind from wandering back to Tom and our exchanges since coming outside this afternoon...