Chapter 19:

Jane:

The days were slipping by pleasantly enough, in the mornings while the children were at their studies, Cassandra and myself would quite often find ourselves in the "writing room" working this time on a story we agreed to call, "The Elliots" , or in Tom's library reading or spending time with Henry and Eliza, both of them being interested in my next writing project as well. We included them in on it and let them help us out with their own opinions.

The afternoons I spent a fair amount of them joining in with the children, Sarah and Tom with their physical activities. We went outside as often as we possibly could but of course there were days when we had to use the big room on the main level. I could see that the children preferred to be outdoors during this time as they were limited inside, even in this big empty room...and they knew to be more careful in it. However, we still managed to play a variation of the chasing game I had joined in on that first afternoon, and other games such as Blind Mans Bluff where Tom volunteered to be the Blind Man trying to "find" us all, everyone breathless and laughing by the end.

After the physical part of our day, is when Jane and myself went to the music room and worked our both her solo piano pieces-which, because she had done so much practicing after we had left London, didn't really need a lot of work done on them-and the piece we decided we would do as our duet at the Christmas Ball. As Jane didn't need to practice as much on her solo pieces I decided to start her playing some Christmas music which I had promised her we would play just for her family and which we could play on Christmas Eve and/or Christmas Day. It was during this time that I found out about her unusual middle name, "Christmas". One would assume that she must have been born on or very near Christmas, but I learned that her birthday is June 24th, which is exactly 6 months before Christmas Eve Day and Christmas was her mother Mary's favourite holiday.

To round out the day and evening, there was tea, dinner and the nightly reading which, I would sometimes read..or Jane, or Anne...or a little less often, one of the older boys...and even Tom would do his share as well. It was during one of these nights that I found little Mary coming over to me, much to my surprise and make herself comfortable in my lap. I caught Tom's expression when this had happened the first time...it was unmistakable...I had to look away because I still was having a hard time wanting to accept the look on his face...in his eyes. The children too seemed to be becoming more comfortable with me around and whenever I read, instead of lining up rather rigidly in front of me, they gathered more closely around me in more of a casual semi circle.

After one of Jane's and my piano practices, Tom met us outside the door of the music room. "I wish to speak to Miss Jane for a moment, please." He addressed his daughter who left the room quickly.

"Jane..." he spoke as he entered the room. "I hope it's not too much to ask of you, but it seems that Anne has now become interested in learning to play the piano and wishes that you could teach her as well. I said that I would have to ask you but that she must respect your decision."

"Oh Tom...I...I could...I have never taught anyone right from the beginning, but...I suppose I could try. However, as Jane and myself must keep on practicing until the Christmas Ball...I wonder if she would mind waiting until after it before starting in on her own lessons? I will be more than happy to try then, but for now, I don't know that I have enough time. I hope that is alright."

"That is fine Jane, I understand. I will explain it to Anne who will have to be patient."

"I do hope she will understand Tom."

"I'm sure she will. I think she will be happy to know that you will give her some lessons. And now..." Tom offered me his arm which I took. "It is time for our tea."

With the days passing in a this manner, I was finding it quite easy to "fit in" and become used to the daily ritual of the Lefroy house-hold...and in fact finding myself quite enjoying it...which was the double edged sword. As like in London, I knew I would have to depart from this one day, which saddened me. But as Cassandra had also told me, that morning I had showed her the room that Tom had "given" me, to not think about the end, but to enjoy the days there. I had to continue to just take each day as they came and enjoy them all to the fullest and NOT think about the day that will come that will take us...me away from here. And there was still so much that was to happen with the Christmas Ball and Christmas itself which were both fast approaching...

I awoke on December 16th, the day of my birth to a delightful but rare sunny winter day in Ireland. As birthdays are generally quietly observed and only my family, that is Cassandra, Henry and Eliza, are the only ones here who would know about it, I did not expect anything special and that was fine with me. If I enjoyed the day, that was all that I wanted of it, I didn't require anything more. And as I had been enjoying our visit on the whole, there was no reason to believe that today should be any different.

"Happy birthday, sister dear!" Cassandra greeted me with a smile as soon as she was awake.

"Hush Cass!" I teased her with a smile.

Cassandra knew that I would not like it if my birthday were ever found out by the Lefroy house-hold and most especially by Tom. But I could not resist teasing her a bit when she had greeted me, even though I knew she was being quiet. She laughed lightly at me and I joined in. I could already feel that it was going to be a pleasant day. I had previously made Henry and Eliza promise that they were NOT to say anything about it being my birthday, they were not to bring it up out loud to anyone. Even though Henry can be a tease at times, he knows enough not to push me and this time he did realize that I was being completely serious when I said that I did not want anyone outside of our family to know about today. Even Cassandra and Eliza had sided with me against Henry for which I was truly grateful. I knew then that he would not break that promise, so I felt I could go about the day without any worries about my birthday being found out. Plus, it was little Mary's 4th birthday in only 3 days and I felt the focus should be on her, not myself.

And indeed the day passed on as pleasantly as it always had, but as the sun was shining that morning, I could found I could not stay in the writing room...nor even the library. I had to be outside in the sun.

"Cass!" I exclaimed suddenly, causing my sister to jump slightly. Even though it was lovely in the writing room with the sun shining in, I was restless. "Let us you and me go and take a walk by the river this morning instead of writing. I cannot seem to concentrate on it anyway and I think a walk would do me some good in my thinking of it. And in fact, I won't think about it for awhile. Perhaps what I need is a break from it."

"Of course Jane. That sounds like a fine idea. I think I could use a walk as well." Cassandra agreed. "The break will do us both some good."

It wouldn't be the first time that I had taken a walk down by the river, although there had not been very many days since arriving in which I could take a pleasant walk, but I had managed to get a couple of walks in, none the less. And today, as it was sunny, I was going to take full advantage of it.

We made ourselves ready, let Henry and Eliza know what we were doing and checked the time to give us an idea of how long we should be, then left. I fairly skipped down the stairs and towards the direction of the river, Cassandra having to walk quickly in order to keep up with me.

"Slow down Jane! We have a plenty of time!" She begged me to which I did. She was right. I shouldn't hurry such a lovely walk. I did as she asked and slowed down.

We continued our walk amicably towards the river and then once we had arrived, followed it some ways down, through the Lefroy property, over a couple of hillocks and passed trees and bushes. We came to rest at a spot that had become one of my favourites along the river. I liked that it lay between two hillocks and a huge tree was right on the riverbank, hanging over the river. I could imagine how lovely it must be in the summer here. I liked it because I felt it could be a place of refuge if I ever wanted to come here on my own sometime...if I ever needed a place in which I wanted or needed to be on my own to think as no one would be able to see me here unless they were looking for me. I suddenly stopped myself with my thinking here. I really shouldn't be allowing myself to think of such fanciful ideas when I wasn't always going to be here. I realized that it had been wrong of me to think of this lovely spot as my own special place on Tom's property...

But then it was my birthday, I told myself stubbornly. If no other day, I should come here today and allow myself to think of it as my place and enjoy it for a short time with my sister, which we did. I linked my arm with hers and we laughed and talked of anything but "The Elliots" and of Tom. We talked of things that we would normally talk of at home. We talked of our mother and wondered how our brother James and his family were managing with our mother. I almost started to feel guilty about that, but then I reminded myself that Cass and myself had always lived with and had been looking after our mother. We were entitled to have our time away from her as well. After a bit of time, we reluctantly started to make our way back to Tom's house.

The rest of the day passed by as normally as it always does and by our own bedtime, I had spent my birthday enjoying the day, which is all I wanted. As I went to follow my sister out of the library and to our room, I felt a hand gently touch my shoulder.

"Jane...I wish to speak with you for a moment if I might." Tom voice said softly. I nodded to Cassandra to go ahead, I would be upstairs shortly, then Tom did something unexpected...he shut the door behind Cassandra.

"Jane...I have something I wish to ask of you." He started off as he turned towards me. He seemed to be having a hard time finding the right words in which to begin. He paced the room a little bit first before, "Jane...the Christmas Ball is only a week away...and...I wish for...that is...I would like it if you...I would really like for you to be by my side when greeting our guests as they arrive." He finally got out.

I stared at Tom in astonishment. I had not expected this. "Not as "Jane Austen, Authoress", I want to stress that." He continued quickly.

He knew me too well. I had been about to object to his offer for that very reason. This is when I noticed that he had stopped pacing and had stood right in front of me. He took a deep breath before he resumed. "But as my fianc e..."

Now I really was dumbfounded. I couldn't speak. I needed to sit. Tom seemed to realize this and as he had done in London, he gently guided me to a settee, sat me down and then sat down beside me.

Now that he had it out in the open, Tom seemed to find it easier to speak himself. "I cannot hold this in any longer Jane...I told you back in London that I never stopped loving you. That was true then and is still true. If anything, spending the time that we have together, both in London and here, I have come to love you even more since that day in London if that is at all possible. I have been observing you with Jane first in London and now here again in Ireland. Not only with Jane but with my other children as well and you seem to..."belong" here with all of us. I've been both watching my children and talking with them...my children adore you Jane...I adore you...I want you by my side...always...as my wife...as Mrs. Tom Lefroy."

I thought I was still at a loss for words, but somehow I managed to get them out, although it sounded like my voice was coming from another part of the room as it sounded far away. "But what of your family, Mr. Lefroy...I...I mean...your uncle..." I found my mouth felt a bit dry as I spoke.

"Who is no longer alive, don't forget Jane. And even if he were, I have not depended upon him for nearly 17 years. After Mary and myself married, I no longer needed his help. And I now have established myself as a lawyer here, Jane. People come to me when needing a lawyer or legal advice. I do not depend upon anyone but myself."

"But...the Lefroys, Tom...they never were in favour of a union between you and me." I tried to point out.

Tom frowned. "I don't understand who you mean?"

"If your uncle did not approve then surely there are others in your family who would not either."

"My uncle was not a Lefroy, Jane...he was a Langlois, on my mother's side. He was in fact my mother's uncle...my great uncle."

But I remained obstinate. "But still...Tom...he was a blood relative of yours."

"Jane...you never met any of other Lefroys aside from my Aunt Anne and Uncle George. I believe that my parents would have liked you had they lived to meet you. I also firmly believe that my brothers and my sisters whom you haven't met but will at the Christmas Ball will also like you. But even if they didn't, it wouldn't matter to me because I love you and I want to marry you...and there isn't ANYTHING that ANYONE can do to stop us this time. I can finally provide for both of us Jane, give you the life you deserve. The life I WANT to give you...the one I could not give you 17 years ago, but can now. Please. Let me Jane..." Tom looked at me so imploringly it almost hurt my heart to look at him...yet, I could hardly look away. I wanted...oh yes, I wanted what he offered, but I was still so afraid...

I felt Tom's hands gently take mine in his, a gesture that both astonished me and started to melt that part of my heart that had been trying so hard for so long to keep Tom away from reaching it. "I understand that you are afraid because of what happened the last time..." He said very quietly.

That did it, I now felt tears gather in my eyes but I would do my best to not make them fall...they couldn't...

"Jane...do you believe in fate?" Tom asked of me, gently. But he didn't wait for an answer for he went on. "I do. I truly believe that we had been given a second chance the moment we saw each other last summer in London. After we had our chance to talk privately, I knew right at that moment that I was going to ask you to marry me. It was part of the reason why I had invited you to stay with me there. I was not going to let you go and let you walk out of my life again after that...I could not. I felt that it was meant to be for us. I no longer was being depended upon, I am a successful lawyer who relies solely on myself. I could provide for you...and I was...am still in love with you. I feel that you are too. You have not told me so in words, but you have in actions. You need not have accepted my offer to stay at my place in London nor come all this way for Christmas...yet...you did. That tells me something." Tom stopped here to catch his breath.

"Do you remember Jane...17 years ago when you asked me at my uncle's in London if you could really have all of this? I asked you what you meant and you said, "You.." meaning me and a life with me. And during Wisley's Ball in the garden, I told you that I was yours heart and soul. I still am Jane. I always have been and I always will be."

As Tom had been speaking these words a lump was starting to form in my throat and finally the tears that I had been trying to blink away started to roll down my cheeks. I was mortified at myself that I had been unable to stop them.

"Oh Jane..." Tom whispered. I now felt his hands gently cup my face and his thumbs gently wipe at the tears on my cheeks, a gentle, caring gesture which caused them to fall a bit faster. "Dearest Jane..." He repeated still whispering...this time I felt something very lightly touching the top of my forehead... Then he brought his face level with mine and looked me right in the eye. I now allowed myself to see the love in them. With the feel of Tom's soft touch on my face wiping at my tears, with what I hesitate to interpret as a very light kiss on my forehead, with the obvious look of love in his eyes...I was lost to him once again. My heart was once again stolen by Tom Lefroy.

"I love you" Tom continued as if he felt he had to make sure that I understood his love for me. "I believe I have always loved you...from the beginning of time. And shall always love you even after our bones have turned to dust beneath the earth's surface. For eternity Jane, I shall love you."

Looking into Tom's eyes, I now noticed that Tom's eyes had also become damp with emotion as he said these words to me. Then he started to fumble around in his pockets, searching...for a handkerchief for me...or perhaps for even himself, or for both of us I assumed.

Finally, his hands locating what they had been looking for, he produced it front of me...my mind for some reason unable to register what it was...what it wasn't, was a handkerchief. Tom opened a small box, then I gasped. "Please say you will marry me Jane...and make me the happiest man alive."

It was a beautiful, elegant, dainty gold ring with a simple, tiny, sparkling diamond in it's center.

"Tom...it's...perfect..." I was managed to whisper, unbelieving. Perfect was almost an understatement in my mind. It was lovely. Beautiful. Stunning. Exquisite. I didn't know if I deserved such a fine piece of jewelry.

"I actually bought it while I was still in London and after Jane had gone back home..."

I stared at Tom. He had bought this ring last summer?

"As I already told you, I knew after we had our first talk in London that I was going to ask you to marry me. Then after you had spent a couple of weeks at my place there, there was not a doubt in my mind. I would have asked you in London to marry me but I knew that you needed time Jane. I knew that I could not...should not rush you about it. That's in part why I asked you to come to Ireland for Christmas. And in fact, I was going to propose to you on Christmas Day but I found that I could wait no longer. I know today is your birthday..." He finished off softly.

My expression must have looked like one of pure amazement, but I couldn't speak.

"Henry told me..."

Henry told him? I was going to kill Henry! He promised!

"BUT...that was before he told me that you did not want anyone here to know." Tom went on quickly. "After you had told him that you didn't want anyone to know about your birthday, he quickly came to me and made sure that I knew that. And I have kept that promise Jane. But when I found out that today was your birthday and I didn't think I could wait until Christmas Day before I proposed to you, I decided that your birthday would be the perfect time to ask you."

I guess then I couldn't fault Henry...and Tom hadn't said anything to anyone else...

"Please Jane..." Tom pleaded with me, still holding the ring up in his fingers. "Please say you will become my wife..."