This past week or so turned out to be busier than I thought it would again, hence it taking a bit longer for me to get this chapter posted!

Just so you know, I DO know exactly where I am going with this story but sometimes I don't find the time to get it typed up within a week, but I will continue to try and get at least one chapter up per week. Have patience if it happens to take me a bit longer some weeks than others..it IS coming, lol! ;-D

I just want to take this time once again to say thanks to all of you who have and continue to support me and my "Becoming Jane" story! And to say "Welcome" to those who have just joined it! Your support means a lot to me! THANK YOU!

Chapter 20:

Jane:

I looked at the ring, then I looked at Tom. So many emotions were running through me once again. I wanted to say yes, I really did. I did my best to clear my head because I wanted to think about this before I gave him my answer. In hopes that it would help me in that way, I stood up and moved about the room, Tom looking after me all the while.

"Do you love me Jane?" Tom now asked. It was a question so unexpected that I came to a sudden stop in my pacing and turned to face him. Did I love him? After months...no...years of telling myself that I was over him, after everything that had happened when we met up in London...after his sweet, loving, caring, gentle gestures tonight, there was no doubt that I did. Still did. I had never stopped loving him...

Now he got up and came over to where I was standing. His expression was one of complete seriousness. "Can you look me straight in the eye and tell me that you don't love me, Jane? That you don't feel anything for me?" This statement surprised me even more. "If you can...then...this will be the end of it. I will have to let you go..." Tom's eyes started to look damp again, this time it would be because of sadness...of that I have no doubt.

"No...no Tom. I cannot look you straight in the eye and tell you I don't love you." I admitted. Tom's whole expression changed quite drastically at my words. Almost like the sun breaking out after days of grey skies. "I do...I do love you. I won't deny it to myself any longer. But...Tom. Before I accept your ring...there are some things we should talk about first."

"Of course, by all means. Anything." His relief was quite visible on his face and in his voice as he eagerly agreed. "What is it you wish to talk about?"

"First off...my writing..."

"What about it?"

"If I marry you, I am not going to give up my writing."

"I never ever dreamed that you would and I would never make you give it up." Tom frowned slightly in puzzlement as he replied to this. "Of course you are going to continue to write. That room upstairs...that is yours, I gave it to you so that from now on you would have a place in which you could continue to do your writing."

"What about Mrs. Radcliffe?"

"Who?"

"Mrs. Radcliffe...the authoress you introduced me to 17 years ago. You knew her husband."

"What about her?"

I took a deep breath. "When I visited her, I asked her how people felt about her, a woman being an writer of the kind of stories that she wrote...and...she said that she seemed to be respected and accepted by people but that...that it was her husband who seemed to have lost the respect of some people. That people were having a hard time accepting that a man's wife was making money at writing. That she shouldn't have to write books and make money when she has a husband to provide for her."

"I see...and you are worried that the same thing might happen with us? To me? If we marry and you continue to write?"

I nodded my head slightly. "Yes."

"Let me tell you something about the Radcliffe's and their situation, Jane. When they married, neither one came from a well off family. Neither were poor, but neither were really very wealthy either. Mr. Radcliffe wanted to become a lawyer, but it costs money to study law. Money that they could not easily afford. Mrs. Radcliffe had always written, strictly as a hobby. She knew how much her husband wanted to become a lawyer, so she offered to try selling her writing to newspapers in hopes to make some money and save it for his education. Neither really expect very much to come of it, but her stories did get published in the papers and then much to their surprise, she was notified by a publishing company who was interested in publishing her writing into books. Of course they realized that this would mean more money for them and Mr. Radcliffe would be able to get his degree in law. What they didn't foresee once he graduated was that not many people would have much faith in a lawyer who's wife was earning the income in their house. He practices, but he doesn't get the clientele he deserves. He's a good lawyer, as good as they come. But because it was Mrs. Radcliffe who was providing for them at one time, people get the impression that he is not good enough."

"But that is so sad! And quite unfair!" I exclaimed a bit angry at the prejudice of society but also feeling sorry for both Mr. and Mrs. Radcliffe. It should not be this way. He should be able to do be the lawyer he wants to be and make a success of it and she should be able to write for everyone's enjoyment.

"Yes, it is. It is very unfair, but you can't change the way society in general thinks. Anyway Jane, the point is, that is not how it is for you and me. You are already an established writer and I am already an established, successful lawyer. We will not be dependant upon any earnings from your writings. It won't matter that you are a writer, Jane. I promise you."

"I believe you. I didn't know the circumstances surrounding the Radcliffe's situation." I admitted.

"Of course not. How could you? For obvious reasons, it is never talked about. They continue to keep a very low profile life."

I nodded my head in understanding. Another thought had come to me while we had been talking about the subject of writing. "To continue on with this subject then, Tom...as, with your blessing, I am to continue on with my writing if we were to marry, another thing has occurred to me. I would not want to change my name...at least not for anything I publish. As you said so yourself, I have established myself as a writer and as I have only written under my own name of "Jane Austen", I think it would be wise to keep my name as such...again for any published writings I may have in future as...your wife." I was finding it rather odd to say the words, "..your wife" and most especially to Tom. Not that it wasn't pleasant...just...very foreign to me at the moment. But I hope that foreign feeling wouldn't last for too long.

"I wouldn't expect anything else, Jane. I have no objection for you to continue to use "Jane Austen" as your pen name at all." Tom smiled at me.

"Then Tom...there is the matter of children."

"Children?" Tom asked with a surprised look on his face.

"Yes. Tom...I don't want to have any children. Please, hear me out before you say anything in protest. First off, you already have seven children whom I have become very fond of. I really have become quite attached to them. And even though I realize I can still bear children, at this stage of my life, I do not wish to have any...and for various reasons. I feel that I am getting too old to start having a family for one. For another, my sister Cassandra once pointed out to me how I have a distaste for lying-in. She is right, Tom. It WOULD drive me mad to have to lay about for who knows how many weeks after giving birth. I really would have no patience for it. But lastly and possibly the most important reason...it frightens me Tom. Not the babies or children, I have enough nieces and nephews in my family, but the birthing. I have lost three sister's in laws to it and you have lost a wife. It is very common for women to die in child birth and I would be afraid that after all that of this time, you and I would finally get together, I would end up in the family way almost straight away only to have it end in death for me while giving birth, thus separating us once and for all. It might sound rather funny when I put it this way, but that would be our luck, wouldn't it Tom."

I almost expected to hear a laugh from Tom...or at least a chuckle when I said that last sentence. But as I heard nothing, I looked at Tom to see him gazing at me with the most serious expression on his face that I think I have ever seen on him. There was not even the slightest hint of amusement on his face nor even in his eyes. "Of course you are right Jane." I heard him agreeing with me softly. "I don't want to take the chance of losing you now after all of this either."

I breathed a sigh of relief, then went on to finish off the matter, "Perhaps it is selfish of me to think in this way, but I would not want to leave you with a newly born baby Tom if the baby were to survive but I also do not like the idea of not getting the chance to see my own child grow up."

"I completely understand Jane. You need not explain it to me." He assured me.

Of course I shouldn't need to, I suddenly thought. Mary had left him with seven children after all...

After a moment of silence, Tom spoke up again, "But Jane...staying on the subject of not having children...please...forgive me...but...I must ask you this...the intimate part of our relationship..." Tom's voice trailed off here as I felt the heat rush up into my face. His words astonished me to the point that I could not speak. There was nothing I could think of to say to his bold statement.

"Jane...that part of a relationship..." He started of very gently. "It doesn't have to be only about...children...and having a family."

Now I was really having trouble thinking...

"It is also about being in love...and expressing that love you have for one another...in a physical manner..." He stopped here.

Aha! This did make me think of something to say in reply...finally. I drew myself up tall, "Then by your own definition Mr. Lefroy, you have "been in love" with several women and all around the same time, if my memory serves me correctly." I was unable to resist this rather wicked reply, referring to that one time just before he and I had met. I was aware enough about his "loose behaviour" previous to our introduction to know what kind of man he had been.

"I am not proud of that time in my life Jane." He answered quite seriously again, his face very serious...but I thought I could still detect a faint twinkle in his eye. "I offer you no excuse other than I was a very foolish young man who was rebelling against the pressures of having to be the sole provider of my large family. Something I was not ready for. But you changed me Jane...you changed my ways and my thinking. You made me realize that there was something better for me."

That reply...I had not expected...I could sympathize with him having to deal with the pressure of having to help provide for his family. I could understand that from his point of view. But that I had been the one who had changed his ways...that was unexpected. I had not realized that.

"And yes...what I had done back then...that was not love. It is not an act of love when you are not in love with the person." Tom finished off. "I will never force you Jane, I love you and respect you too much to do that to you. But I hope in time you will become comfortable with the idea of...the intimate part of love. If you are concerned that a child might be the result of it, let me assure you that it doesn't have to happen...there are ways to prevent it."

I was truly grateful for Tom's words. As he had proposed to me only moments earlier I hadn't even had the chance to think about it until Tom boldly brought it up. Now I was suddenly aware of how unsure I would feel about the conjugal part of our marriage. I had no experience in that at all. And I think because of that, I would feel more concerned with disappointing Tom in that way. But as he said those words to me, I felt more assured that it would be alright. When the time came. After all, Tom knew that I wouldn't have the experience. He would understand. And...I would never admit this to anyone else except myself of course, but...I was curious...a brief memory of when Cassandra became engaged to Robert came to me at this point...I confess that I had been teasing her mercilessly about this very thing and had practically begged her to tell me all about "conjugal duties" when they happened so that when I got married I could decide if would want to undertake them myself...I also won't deny that I was relieved that he knew how to prevent a child coming from it...as well as relieved that he agreed that we did not need to have any (more) children...

Quickly, I thought I had better bring myself out of this train of thought. "What of your practice in London, Tom?" I now asked out of curiosity, wondering how long he would have to be going back and forth. Would he be spending months at a time after we married, away from home still? Would I be expected to accompany him there or would I stay here?

"After everyone left London and I knew that I was going to propose to you, I looked hard and diligently until I was able to find someone to take over so that I would be able to live here permanently in Ireland again. With you and my family. I'm free to be here all of the time now Jane."

"That is wonderful that you were able to find someone so quickly, Tom."

"I did look hard though. I never gave up until I found whom I'm sure is the right person." He smiled.

"Tom...I do have one more thing I would like to ask...if it's not too personal."

"I'll try to answer it."

"In London...you were still wearing your wedding ring..."

Tom looked at me, took a deep breath and then replied. "Yes..." he started off quietly. "I did. You see Jane, after Mary died, there was only one other lady for me...and I never thought I would ever see her again. So...I kept my ring on to show everyone that I was 'unavailable'. It was the easiest way to deal with it. My wife was dead and if I couldn't have you, I wanted no one else. I was not...am not interested in anyone else..." his voice trailed off here momentarily.

I felt my eyes get damp again.

"You may have noticed that I no longer wear the ring. I took it off as soon as I came back to Ireland in hopes that another one would replace it."

There was a few seconds of silence as I didn't know how to respond to his words.

"Do you accept my offer Jane?" He now asked.

There was one last thing I had to say...gathering my composure once again, I straightened my back and said, "There is just one more thing Mr. Lefroy...if I accept your proposal I want you to understand that I will NOT change for you. I will still be as independent, as stubborn, as spirited and as challenging as I ever was. Maybe even more so." NOW was he still willing to marry me? His reaction to my statement would tell me...

And...it did. Even more than I had expected it would. For to my genuine amazement, Tom laughed. He didn't chuckle, he laughed out loud at this and before I could ask him what he found so amusing, he said. "My dearest Jane of all Janes! You had better not change at all for I would not want to marry you if you did change as you would not be the Jane I fell in love with! I not only expect you to NOT change, I wish for you to NEVER change at all! I love you just the way you are Jane, for you and all of your wonderful traits."

Now I was at a complete loss for words. When I could speak, all I could say in a subdued and rather shaky voice was, "Then...I accept..."

Looking at me with a most beautiful smile on his face, Tom held up the ring again and this time, without even hardly thinking, I held my left hand out and allowed him to slip it on, feeling the coolness of it against my finger. I gazed down at the most beautiful piece of jewelry I had ever owned, thinking that it couldn't possibly be my hand that was now bearing that ring.

I felt Tom gently lifting my chin, making me look into his blue eyes. I could see the happiness not only in his smile, but in his eyes as well. It was hard for me to believe that I was the reason for such happiness. As for myself, it suddenly occurred to me that after all of these years of trying to forget Tom, of forgetting that he existed, that my heart had ever loved him...that I was now free to feel what I HAD felt all of those years ago...and the way I still do. That I was free to love Tom the way I had, the way I wanted to, the way I was capable of. It was almost incomprehensible to me.

"Have you been happy here? With me?" Tom asked me.

I had been...but I could only nod the affirmative.

"Then I promise I will always try to make you happy Jane...I want you to be happy here."

"I'm sure I will be happy here with you...and your family Tom..." I managed to say softly, overcome with emotion as I was.

That's when it happened. The first time in 17 years when we had kissed in Wisleys' garden during their ball and after Tom had come back and forced a kiss on me after I had learned that he had become engaged. The first one had been sweet, the second one, not so much as I had been hurt and bewildered by his action...and angry that he dare to do such a thing while he was betrothed to another... But this one had to be the sweetest one of them all that also sent sensations surging through my body like no other touch of Tom's had ever done. It left me quite breathless...And afterwards, as Tom gently put his arms around me I melted into them where we stayed just like that, neither talking, just enjoying each other without words...

Tom:

As time had gone on and I could tell every day that Jane and my family were getting along splendidly much to my delight of course and seemed to be getting more fond of each as well, she was making it harder for me to keep me waiting on the one important question I had planned on asking her since I had first seen her in London. I had Christmas Day originally picked out in which to ask, but suddenly it seemed too far away. I honestly didn't think I could wait that long.

The first afternoon after the Austen's had arrived when Jane had joined in to help Anne avoid being caught against the boys, I was thrilled to see her become involved with the game and my children and so quickly! She seemed to be enjoying the game as much as the children had been. After several minutes of just watching her, I was finally unable to restrain myself from joining in and purposely set out to "catch" her. And not because of the game. I knew that I was not following the rules by doing so, but I was unable to resist the temptation. I admit that I had done it partly in fun and to get her attention, but also perhaps because I knew that she would find objection to it.

When Jane had started joining in pretty much all of our physical activities and gaining my children's friendship was when I felt that Christmas was just too far away. I had to ask her as soon as possible. Since inviting the Austen's to our place for Christmas, I had pictured Jane by my side greeting guests as they arrived at our Christmas Ball. I realized that Jane would not have wanted to be introduced as "Jane Austen, Authoress", so I would have introduced her as "Jane Austen, a good friend of mine" or "...a good friend of the family." But when I knew that I could no longer wait until Christmas Day, the idea of being able to introduce her as "my fianc e", was another idea that took hold of me and would not let go.

Henry, whom I had confided in back in London once again helped me out when I had explained my situation to him. He let me know when Jane's birthday was which settled it. I was going to propose to her on her birthday. Knowing it was her birthday, the idea of at least having a special dinner and desserts that day I didn't think would be out of the question, but then Henry rushed to me one day not long before it and explained how Jane had made him, Eliza and Cassandra PROMISE not to tell ANYONE about her birthday. That she wished to spend it in a nice, quiet, normal manner. She did not want any special treatment or attention whatsoever. Somehow, this did not surprise me about Jane, although I admit I was a bit disappointed that she did not wish to celebrate it with us knowing about it. But, if that was how she wished to spend her birthday, then I would do as she wished. The day would pass as quiet and as normal as it always did. However...I WOULD have something special for her after all that night...

I was not at all surprised that Jane should have some objections to our marriage. I realized that she would also have some fears about it, especially considering what had happened 17 years ago. This prompted an emotional speech from myself explaining to Jane EXACTLY how I had been feeling about her since I we had first met in London. It was clear that Jane was also becoming emotional which I took to heart.

I had been fully prepared for her objections and questions as well as some of her conditions of our marriage. However I admit that I was still taken aback when she brought up the idea of having children. Of course once she explained her fears to me, I completely understood where she was coming from. There is always a risk of death with childbirth. As Jane had pointed out, she could die with her first lying-in and she was not willing to take that risk. As much as I would love for Jane to bear at least one child of mine, I had to agree with her. It was not a risk I was willing to take either after finding each other again and getting together at last after all of these years. When the time came, I would make sure that we would not have to worry about it...

But I also understood that Jane, never being married might feel a bit awkward about that part of our marriage. I was completely honest with her when I had said that I would never force her as I know too well that the common thought of men in regards to the conjugal part of a marriage is that it is a man's right to take his wife whenever he wants to, no matter if their wives want it or not, no matter how they feel. I have come to feel and believe differently about that matter myself. I have learned over the years the difference between taking a woman when she wants it and when she doesn't. I far prefer it when she does. I vowed to myself that I would be kind, gentle, patient and understanding with her when I "show" her how sweet and beautiful physical love can be...

When Jane finally accepted my proposal and I could finally slip the "long awaited" ring on her finger, the feeling I had was one of pure elation. I felt I was in my right then, to do what I had been longing to do at least since I had seen her in London. And that was to kiss her sweetly, gently and lovingly. I thought I knew what to expect I would feel when I kissed her after all of these years, but what I did end up feeling went above and beyond that...it was indescribable. Any words I could think of would not do it justice. And then to have her allow me to hold her like she did afterwards left me unable to speak. But words did not seem necessary as we stayed like that just enjoying being with each other...