Chapter 27:
Jane:
As time went on, the fatigue continued on and off. There were better days and there were worse days. We finally attributed it to my not being able to get comfortable enough during the nights to get a decent sleep because of the pain in my left arm that had not lessened any.
Finally after starting to get beyond patience with it, I allowed Tom to purchase some medicines from the apothecary in Limerick for the pain in my left arm. It came in the form of bitter powders that had to be mixed in with water which I had to drink. And a new thing...at least for people. Liniment oil. That one I admit I felt a bit skeptical about as I knew that liniment was intended to help heal horses. Tom assured me (who had been assured by the apothecary) that people were now starting to try it out on their own aches and pains and with positive results. He begged me to at least try it, as in his words, "It couldn't do any harm and it may actually help. It may help you to sleep through the night without pain." He had said. I had to admit that those words alone made me feel that I should at least try it. To have a good night's rest again would be very welcome indeed. Every night and every morning right after we awoke, Tom gently, attentively and lovingly rubbed the oil on my arm. The effect was that it really did seem to work and I was at long last blessed with better night's rest.
However, the fatigue seemed to remain with me after all, although not as bad as it had been at times. It did seem to be easing a bit with my being able to sleep better at nights once again. With my ailments finally seeming to ease with the help of these medicines, I found myself enjoying more of a daily routine once again. I wanted to get back into the children's physical activities again but Tom wouldn't hear of it. "Give yourself some more time." He pleaded with me. "Give your body the time to make sure that you are really healthy again." And perhaps he was right as there was something still not quite right...although I didn't feel ill, I also knew that I was not 100%...and there was still this other thing that was more of a cause of concern for me than anything else. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it secret for very long, but I was in two minds as to whom I should talk to about it. Of course I should tell my husband...Tom...but I wasn't ready to. I felt more comfortable in confiding in my sister first.
The idea of bringing this up to her was going through my mind as Cassandra and myself were coming back home during one of our walks in April.
"Jane..." Cassandra stopped me just outside of the house. I looked at her questioningly. "You seem...preoccupied lately dearest...and especially today, on our walk. Are you unwell again?"
The look on Cassandra's face showed me how very concerned she was again for my health. Immediately, I put her fears to rest.
"No indeed, dear sister. My symptoms still seem to be easing."
The look of relief on her face was unmistakable. But I knew that this was an excellent opportunity for me to let her know of my other concern.
"But...there is something..."
Almost at once, Cassandra's face clouded over with concern once again.
"What? What is it, Jane?" She whispered.
Suddenly I had a hard time getting the words out. I felt like if I said them, admitted to it, then it would be true. And I didn't want that...
"Jane! Please...tell me! You've got to tell me!" Cassandra was getting frantic and I knew I had to ease her anxiety. I also knew that I couldn't go back and not tell her now. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and...said it.
"I think...I think I'm with child Cass..." I spoke the words in a barely audible voice.
The silence that followed was deafening, so I opened my eyes and looked at Cassandra who was looking back at me in utter amazement.
"What?" she exclaimed, still in a whisper. "When? How? I mean..." Instantly she blushed at her last two words, obviously not wanting nor needing the details. "I mean...I thought you and Tom...were trying to..."
"Prevent it from happening." I interrupted her impatiently. "Yes...we were. But I also know there are always risks as there is only one sure way of preventing it from happening, Cass..."
"Are you sure Jane?"
"As I have never been with child before, I cannot be certain...but that one sign...you know...I haven't had it...for a little while."
"Have you been feeling ill?"
"No...thank goodness, no. But we both know Cass that not all woman necessarily become ill."
"But isn't this good Jane? I mean, it explains your fatigue doesn't it? I know that has not gone away completely even with the help of the liniment easing your pain so you can sleep at night. And it's better than the other possibility...that dreadful illness that Aunt Philla died from."
My sister was clearly more happy about this news than I was. "How do we know that this isn't going to kill me anyway, Cass?" I replied bitterly.
"How do we know that it will, Jane?"
"Oh Cass! You have said yourself that being a mother isn't for me!"
"I have seen you with Tom's children, Jane...I think I...we both underestimated you there." She replied gently.
"But I didn't give birth to any of them! I'm scared, Cass...we both know it's too common for women to die in childbirth. Tom and I have only just got back together...oh it's too awful! I always knew it was too good to be true, Tom and myself!" I couldn't help it. The tears started falling.
"Nonsense, Jane!" Cassandra spoke up more firm that I think I had ever heard her.
"This wasn't supposed to happen!"
"You...you aren't angry with Tom...about this...I hope."
I sighed and said quietly. "No...of course not. As I told you, I know the risks. I am...confused...conflicted, however. I...I need some time alone. To think." And with that, putting one hand over my mouth, and brushing the tears that were now streaming down faster with my other, I turned and fled from Cassandra and ran to my favourite place down by the river.
Tom:
I cannot express my great relief that Jane seems to be responding to the medicines for the pain in her arm I had insisted upon purchasing for her. Of course she did still seem to be fatigued at times, but I didn't think it was as bad as it had been before she started taking the powders and liniment.
It was while I was at my office in Limerick one afternoon that thought came to me out of nowhere. A thought so crystal clear, I don't know why it hadn't occurred to me before. I admit that there had been something nagging at the back of my mind of late and with this thought, I now know what it was. But this idea also shocked me so that I was unable to think about work or anything else. And because of that, I chose to leave and go home early even though I was at a loss as to what the best thing to do was once I got there. I hoped that the ride home would help to clear my mind somewhat. I discovered however, that the trip back home, did nothing to help me.
"Where is Mistress Jane?" I demanded of Berkley as soon as I was in the door.
"Mistress Jane is out taking her daily walk with Miss Austen." Berkley answered me quickly and efficiently.
"Thank you, Berkley." I replied a little more relaxed.
I gave Berkley my coat and hat and went off in search of my children to learn that they were still engaged in their physical activities. Normally I would join in with them, even part way through. But this time, I decided to not even let them know that I was home early. I needed some time to think. Instead of going to my study, I found myself in the drawing room nearest the door that Jane and Cassandra would enter upon their return from their walk. I took a chair near one of the windows which I knew I would be able to see them arrive back from, all the while trying to think of ways to bring up my thoughts to Jane.
It wasn't really very long before I noticed Jane and Cassandra at first at a distance and gradually getting closer as they walked towards the house. Before they reached the steps to the door however, I saw Cassandra stop Jane. Surprised by this move, I found myself leaning forward in the chair and then I stood up and walked over to the window, keeping my presence concealed from them, watching them all the while. At first Cassandra looked upset as did Jane...but then I saw Cassandra's face brighten somewhat...but Jane's...did not. I frowned, wondering what they could be talking about. It was when Jane put a hand to her mouth and then brush her face with the other that I realized that...she was weeping! And then...when she turned abruptly away and ran in the opposite direction of the house...that was when I felt my heart turn to lead because that was when I knew, that she knew...I stood there at the window with my head now pressed against the cool glass, watching her quickly retreating back in agony.
"Jane!" I cried silently, desperately wanting to be able reach her...to tell her it would be okay.
I hardly even realized that Cassandra was now entering the house, but even without turning around, I somehow sensed that she was just outside the door to this room.
"She knows...doesn't she.." Before she even said anything, I stated rather than asked, again without even turning around.
"Knows...what?" Cassandra asked cautiously.
"About...the child. She knows she is with child." I replied.
I heard Cassandra gasp slightly at my words. I turned around to see her looking at me in sheer astonishment.
Before she could ask her obvious question, I explained. "Mary eight of my children, Cassandra. I came to know the signs sometimes better than Mary did. Sometimes I knew she was with child before she knew. Or at least before she would tell me." I paused here for just a moment. "It didn't occur to me until this afternoon because...because we had been using precautions..." It was rather awkward having to bring up Jane's and my details about our intimacy to her sister, but I needed to make her understand how I had also reached the conclusion about the child. "...and then with her arm being in pain, well, that's not a symptom of being in the family way of course. But something kept nagging the back of my mind and I knew not what. And after the medicines seemed to help the pain in her arm, but she still was fatigued, I remembered...for some reason, I remembered this afternoon how Mary used to become quite fatigued when she was with child early on. She tired easily. Some days she would sleep late...or go to bed early at night...or needed a nap after lunch. Much like what has been happening with Jane."
Cassandra nodded slowly, affirming my guess when she realized that I was finished speaking.
"God, how she must hate me!" I exclaimed in a low voice, my heart in pain. "I PROMISED her that this would not happen. I know how much she fears it! And she is right to!"
"Oh no!" Cassandra now rushed up to me. "No Tom, let me assure you that Jane does not hate you. She knows the risks. She knows that...that this can happen." I saw that Cassandra was also feeling awkward with this intimate part of the conversation. "She is...she is feeling...confused right now however. She just needs some time...some time to think. She will come around, I'm sure."
I admit that my heart felt a bit lighter at Cassandra's words, assuring me that Jane did NOT hate me after all.
"This has to be better news than her having that dreadful disease though, don't you think, Tom?" Cassandra searched my face, trying to show me that this did not have to be a hopeless situation.
"Yes...I would like to think so." I finally agreed with a small smile. "What should I do about Jane?"
"Maybe let her approach you about it Tom. She needs to think about it first. Let her be the one to bring it up to you."
Again, I nodded my head, gratefully. Cassandra was no doubt right that I should let Jane think about it first and then come to me.
Jane:
Although I still felt confused, my walk did seem to help me feel somewhat better about the predicament I now found myself in. I knew I had to come to terms with it and accept it. There was nothing that I could be done about it. I also needed to talk to Tom and let him know...
Of course there was no real chance to talk to him until we were in our bedchamber for the night...and even then, I found it difficult to bring up to him. Once he blew out the candle, I felt a bit of courage come with the darkness.
"Tom..." I began.
"Yes my love?"
Silence. I could hear Tom move and I knew he was turning over onto his side to face me.
"Jane? What is it, love?" He asked me gently. I then felt his hand gently rub the arm nearest him.
I had to speak now...there would be no "forever holding my peace" in this case. This was not something that I could hide for long. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and jumped in.
"I...I think...I think I may be with child."
Silence again. And then.
"I kind of guessed." Were Tom's surprising words.
My eyes popped open wide and I turned to face him in the dark.
"What?" I whispered, astounded.
"Just today. This afternoon actually. Something had been nagging at me...and then I finally remembered. I remembered how tired Mary used to become each time she was with child."
I didn't...couldn't speak for several seconds.
"I know how it frightens you, dearest Jane."
Here I felt Tom's hands and arms reach out to hold me.
"Yes..." I whispered. "Very much so." I felt the tears start to gather in the corners of my eyes.
Pulling me even closer to himself, Tom said, "I promise you Jane, that you will have the best doctor from Limerick here along with a mid-wife. I will do ANYTHING I can to keep you safe." He vowed as he gently kissed the side of my face.
Even though I felt reassured by my husband's words, the tears still fell.
"We will get through this my love. I promise you."
I held onto Tom's body and his words. Several minutes later, I felt Tom leave me and get out of bed. He re-lit the candle on his side, picked it up and left the room, leaving me to puzzle over what he was doing. I wouldn't have to wait too long it turned out as he returned with something in his hands.
"What is that?" The question came out before I could stop it. I knew perfectly well what it was.
Tom smiled and said coming over to me and placing it on the floor on my side of the bed, "A bucket, Jane. Just in case. You don't want to be caught at some unearthly suddenly hour needing it."
I groaned. I hoped I would NEVER need it and I told him so.
Tom laughed as he replied. "I hope you won't either my love, but when Mary started getting the sickness with Anthony, this bucket was by her side of the bed pretty much throughout our marriage until..." His voice trailed off here.
"Poor Mary! Was she very sick?" I asked curiously and sympathizing with her.
"It came and went. Some days were better than others and it was different with each child. But she accepted it, she knew that it was part of being with child."
Just as I knew I should accept it too, I thought grimly. Well, there wasn't anything to be done about it, I guess I would have to do the same. I would just try to not think about it...until the time came. Maybe I would be one of those lucky women who never got sick. I hoped so. I wish I could remember if mama ever mentioned that she was sick when she was with one of us. Being one of the youngest of my siblings, I would never remember. And mama would never have spoken about this to me unless I had been at home when Tom and I had become engaged. We never did have this talk. I guess I could only find out on my own. I do take some comfort in the fact that Tom is taking care of me as much as he can in that respect. Having been through this with Mary, he was quite learned in this...much more than myself of course.
Tom now made his way around to his side of the bed, crawled in, blew out the candle and then pulled me to his body once again, kissing my forehead.
A couple of weeks later, I discovered that I no longer needed to worry. But oddly enough, this just caused even more ambiguous feeling on my part.
I was in my writing room on the morning of my discovery when Cassandra came into the room.
"Jane! Whatever is wrong?" She came over to where I was sitting, on the settee with my knees drawn up under my chin, my eyes red with the tears that were still streaming down my face and a damp tissue in my hand.
Immediately, she sat down beside me. "What is it dearest?" she asked, concerned.
"There is no child after all, Cass." I managed to get out, albeit rather shakily.
She frowned at me slightly. "No child?"
I shook my head slowly. "I started feeling a little bit ill in the night and I thought it was the onset of the sickness that women can get. I was never physically ill...but this morning after I got out of bed...I saw that my monthly womanly duty had returned." I sighed. "It was that which had made me feel ill."
"And...you are crying because...you are...relieved?" Cassandra asked confused.
Again, I shook my head slowly.
"Oh...Jane..." My sister embraced me.
Through my sobs, I explained, "Once I had accepted this child as my fate, I started to develop some maternal feelings towards it. I can't really explain it Cass, but it's something that I never thought I ever would feel. And it was the most wonderful feeling...and Tom...every night since telling Tom, he would gently lay his hand upon my stomach...I feel such a sense of loss, Cass! Even though there never was a child! And now...now...I wish there was one..." This started my tears flowing afresh.
"Oh, dearest..." Cassandra held me while I wept. "Maybe this was is for the best after all then, Jane. Perhaps that is what God is telling you."
"No..." I said firmly, looking up at my sister. "I don't believe that. If God was trying to tell me that, then WHY would he have given me such strong feelings for it? Why would I be upset now, if this was for the best? If it was for the best, I believe I would feel relief instead, but I don't!"
At my words, Cassandra didn't say anything, she looked like she was at a loss for words.
"And now...I have to tell Tom." I went on quietly. "He also loved this child. He'll be so disappointed..." I trailed off here without finishing off what I was really thinking, "...in me."
"I'm sure he will be disappointed Jane, but not in you. He won't love you any less." Cassandra replied, seeming to understand the words I had not spoken.
The two of us sat there for awhile, Cassandra being the wonderful, patient older sister that she is, quietly holding onto me, as there was nothing else to really say and it was obvious that we would not be doing any writing today. With Tom at work, I had the day in which to get used to the idea of there being no child and to think about how I would tell him...
Tom:
I cannot describe how very relieved I was that Jane was not angry with me, nor did she despise me for what had happened. And as much as I know that there is a risk with childbirth, I also cannot help but feel what a true miracle this child of ours is. I am beyond delight that Jane seems to have accepted this fate of ours and I daresay even seems to be looking forward to becoming a mother to our own.
I had promised Jane that I would do anything and everything that I can to ensure a safe delivery. It is all I can do. Otherwise, it is out of our hands and we can only hope and pray that God wouldn't be so cruel...
I came home one afternoon to find...nothing unusual really, except Jane. She seemed to be...preoccupied about something. I wanted to approach her about it but with my family about there was no real opportunity to do so. As the afternoon turned into evening, it suddenly occurred to me that sadness about Jane which did give me cause to wonder...which eventually turned to alarm as I recalled Cassandra's story about Eliza's mother's fatal illness and I wondered if the symptoms had returned. I had to find out as soon as possible!
I wouldn't be given the chance to talk to Jane until we were in our bedchamber for the night. I let her change first and I changed as well into my night clothes, then waited sitting on our bed while she brushed out her hair. Once she was finished and came over, I stood up and reached out and took her hands in mine.
"I sense that something is troubling you Jane." I spoke up gently without any preamble.
She started, surprised by my statement before sitting down on the bed. I sat down beside her, still holding her hands in mine. She looked down at the bed for a few seconds before starting to speak, still not looking at me.
"Tom...there is something you need to know." She said quietly. I swallowed, a dreadful feeling starting to creep into the pit of my stomach. I didn't like the sounds of this...I could already tell it wasn't going to be good news. Then I had seen the sadness in Jane...
"What I am about to say, is very hard Tom..."
"Go on..." I encouraged her barely managing to get the words out myself.
"This morning I discovered...there is no child after all, Tom." She whispered the words.
I had trouble comprehending at first as this was not something I had expected at all. No child? I was unable to speak myself for several seconds while my mind processed the meaning of the words.
"I'm so sorry Tom! I know how much you wanted this child." Now Jane looked up at me and I saw tears on her cheeks. I took the back of my hand and gently wiped them away.
"Yes...I did." I admitted to her gently. "But you need not apologize Jane. We thought wrong."
I will not deny that this news was a bit of a blow to me. But I also had to think of Jane. At least her life would no longer be in jeopardy.
"Dearest Jane...you needn't weep for me any longer." I consoled her.
She did stop, but with a different reaction than what I was expecting.
"I am not weeping for you!" She shot out taking me by surprise. "I mean...of course I am. But not only for you...for myself as well..." She finished in a more subdued voice.
I knew she had grown to accept the child but I hadn't realized that feelings for it might have become as deep as mine.
"Once I accepted this child, I did want it, no matter what the risks to myself were. And when I discovered there is to be no child after all...well...I can't even begin to describe the sense of loss I felt."
Once again, I was taken by complete surprise by Jane's words. "Are you saying that you wish to have a child now, Jane?" I ventured to ask her.
Jane stood up quickly at my question and started pacing around. "No...yes! I don't know! When I had no choice in the matter, that was one thing. But now that I do...it still frightens me...and I also feel like if I say 'yes' that I am knowingly and willingly signing my own death warrant. Yet...the feeling I had when I thought I was...that too was indescribable."
I could see just how conflicted my dear Jane was about all of this. I was silent for just a few seconds will I thought about the situation.
"Jane..." I stood up and went over to her. Taking her hands into mine once again and looking into her eyes I spoke gently. "What we could do is let 'nature take it's course'."
"What do you mean by that?" Jane asked looking puzzled.
"We could stop preventing it from happening, but also NOT 'TRY' too hard to make it happen. We would just go about our life in a normal way as we have been. If it happens, it was meant to be. If it doesn't happen, then it wasn't meant to be. Does this sound reasonable to you?"
Jane was silent while she mulled over this idea, then slowly she looked up at me and slowly nodded her head in agreement.