CHAPTER 28:

Jane:

In the coming days I found myself feeling better, seemingly getting over my fatigue. I was pretty sure by then that it had been nothing more than one of those early spring time illnesses like I had told Cassandra.

As we were heading into summer, we carried on the family traditions started by Tom and Mary, the nightly readings and the pic-nics on the property on the nicer days. I was delighted that I was now able to join in on these pic-nic games that I wouldn't have been able to had my illness continued...

It was later summer...or early fall when once again I made a certain discovery that one time had terrified me. But because of what had happened the last time, I decided to keep it to myself until I was a little more sure. By October, I could no longer deny it and this time, it was my husband whom I told first and not my sister.

"Are you sure Jane?" Was Tom's initial reaction.

"This time I kept quiet about it for a few weeks until I could be a little more certain. And this time...there have been other changes...physical changes that I did not experience the last time, Tom. And..." I paused here for a moment. "I feel sure this time. I know that is not really much of a basis to go by, but I didn't want to keep it from you any longer."

Tom's face lit up with obvious delight. He took my hands into his own and kissed both of them. "And...how have you been feeling?"

"So far, I feel fine, Tom.. A little tired at times, but not like last spring."

"Good. I am glad to hear it." He smiled gently down at me. Then his smile disappeared and was replaced by a slight frown. "Does it still frighten you?"

"I won't deny that it does, yes." I told him honestly. I needed and wanted all of the support I could get from him. "But the feeling of joy in my heart does out-weigh it."

Tom's face continued to look serious as he vowed firmly. "I promise you Jane, that we will get through this...you will get through this. I will do whatever I can to keep you from any harm."

"I know you will dearest. You have told me so before and your words are a great comfort to me. They ease my mind."

Tom embraced me then and held tightly onto me. "I cannot describe the feeling you will experience when you hold our baby in your arms for the very first time."

This statement of Tom's made me pull away just enough to be able to look up into his eyes. "Did you hold your children?" I asked in my genuine surprise, as it was commonly regarded that the mother and females of the children do the majority of their nurturing.

"I know it is common practice for the mother and females to attend to them, but when I first saw Anthony after he was born and each one after him, I could not resist. There was such an innocence about them. A beautiful innocence. And right then and there, I made the decision that as a father can not bond with his children in the same way as their mother can, I would bond with my children in whatever way I could. I held each one of my children whenever I could, for as long as I could for I knew that I would not be able to do so for long. They would grow up and quickly. I wanted my children to learn who their father was right from the beginning...by my touch, my smell and the sound of my voice. It will be the same for this child of ours."

Tom's words brought tears to my eyes. It made me wonder if my father ever held any of his children. Regardless, even if he didn't, I knew that he loved all of us all the same. But the image of Tom holding his children as babes...our child, was the most beautiful I had ever had...I hoped I would be able to see it for myself...

That night, Tom once again brought out the bucket and placed it on the floor on my side of the bed. "I hope you will never need to use this my love." He said with his charming lopsided smile.

"I hope not either Tom." I replied rather wryly.

Tom wanted to tell everyone straight away about the newest member of the Lefroy family who should be, if we had made our calculations correctly, making it's appearance sometime in the following spring.

I hadn't even told Cassandra about it when Tom gathered everyone together the next day, the children, his sisters and Cassandra.

"Everyone, Mistress Jane and I have a very blessed announcement to make." He started off. I could hear the pride in his voice as he spoke. I was sitting beside him while he addressed everyone. "Sometime next spring, we think maybe sometime in the month of May, there will be another Lefroy child. A brother or sister for you children."

There was very tiny moment of silence before the girls all expressed their delight at the thought of a new baby in the house. The boys were a little more subdued about it, but seemed to accept the news in their own ways. I suspected that this was because it was more of a "female thing" having babies that the boys didn't really seem as enthusiastic or interested, but as long as they didn't object to another sibling, I was fine with their own reactions as I understood them.

Both Phoebe and Sarah came over and hugged both of us while Cassandra hung back as they did so. When everything started to resume back to normal activities, Cassandra came over to me. "You seem to be happier about it this time than the last time, Jane." She said to me.

"The last time it was not supposed to have happened at all...and it hadn't. It was a complete surprise...no, shock. But you knew how I felt when I discovered there was no child Cass, it was then that everything changed for me. Afterwards, Tom suggested "letting nature take it's course" and if it did or didn't happen, then that it was or wasn't meant to be. I am happy, although admittedly, not really very much less scared...or worried. But Tom has assured me of having the best of medical care he can provide to see me through it."

Cassandra embraced me and replied, "Then if you are happy about this, then we all should be."

When we broke apart, we had noticed that all of the children and their aunts had left the room. With the exception of Jane. She had looked very happy at the announcement, so I was surprised to see that she now had a worried look on her face. Or was it a frightened look? No...the word "haunted" came to my mind. Of course...she lost her own mother to childbirth.

"Jane...dearest, are you alright?" I asked going over to her.

She didn't or couldn't reply, but she did embrace me. "Oh my dear. It's going to be alright." I tried to reassure her.

"I don't want to lose you too." She managed to choke out.

"Oh dearest. Your father has promised to have all of the medical care I will need. Your father told me once that because your mother had given birth to seven healthy children without any trouble, that they were unprepared for what ended up happening the last time. And because of that, your father wants to make sure that it doesn't happen again." I realized here that no matter how much it still frightened me, I must not show it for Jane's sake. I must be strong for her.

"Are you sure?" She now dared to look at me.

"Of course, I'm sure. If it would make you feel better, you should go and speak with him about it."

"I might do that yet."

I nodded and smiled encouragingly at her. She gave me a rather watery smile back, but I could see that she seemed to be feeling a bit more calm about the situation. Watching her leave, I suddenly felt a bit concerned...I hoped that we had made the right decision for Jane's sake as well...

Tom:

I was more than ecstatic when Jane told me about the expected child. Of course now that it was a reality, all sorts of concerns entered my mind. For both Jane and the child. I wanted desperately to make sure that they both survived.

As much as I hated to, I felt it would be best to forbid Jane to continue on with any of the children's physical play for both hers and the child's sake, effective immediately. She could of course still take daily walks with Cassandra as long as she didn't exert herself. I would also take Cassandra aside and make her promise to keep Jane from overdoing it. I already knew that Cassandra would agree to this.

For each new child expected in family, Mary and myself had always gathered our family together to tell them of the news. This child would be no exception. As in the past, my children were quite accepting of their newest sibling. But if there was one thing I hadn't counted on, it was my daughter Jane. She had looked just as thrilled as her sisters had when I had announced it, so I was surprised when she turned up outside the door to my study shortly afterwards, her demeanor seeming to have changed, although I didn't know why at that moment.

"Come in." I responded automatically when I heard the knock. "Jane!" I exclaimed in surprise when I saw that it was my daughter. I stood up as she walked in and I indicated the chair across from myself. She sat down and I followed suit.

"Father..." she began. "Please...forgive me, but...do you think having a child is wise?"

I gaped at my daughter in shock at her question. "What do you mean my dear? I thought you were happy when I made the announcement."

"I was..." she replied slowly.

I frowned at her as she spoke. "But...?" I encouraged her.

"It's how we lost mother..." she spoke in a quiet voice. Of course. How selfish of me to forget how much Jane had been affected by Mary's death. "I don't want to lose Mistress Jane too!"

I got up and came around to Jane's side of my desk and embraced her.

"Dear heart...what happened to your mother...we were not at all prepared for. She had given birth to seven healthy children without any trouble. We never expected that anything would go wrong the last time. And because of that, I will have the best doctor in attendance for Mistress Jane."

"Mistress Jane did tell me that already. About what happened with mother...and that you would make sure it doesn't happen again."

"And she is right, Jane. I will make sure that every precaution possible is taken with the birthing of this child. Please Jane...I do not wish for you to concern yourself about this. I know that is a lot to ask as you are nearly a woman yourself and you have already started to understand about this part of life. But I would rather you kept, good, happy positive thoughts about all of this." An idea suddenly came to my mind. An idea that would make Jane feel useful and would hopefully help to stop her from thinking about the birthing too much. Especially so early on. "What you could do is anything to help keep Mistress Jane happy and comfortable. There may come a time when she does not feel well at times, just like what happened with your mother if you recall when she was with your youngest siblings. It would be a great help to both myself and especially to her if you could do anything to help keep her happy and comfortable. I am sure I can depend upon you for that."

"Of course you can father." Jane seemed to like this idea.

"And I know that Mistress Jane will really appreciate it as well. I'm sure she would enjoy spending some quiet time with you."

Jane beamed at me before standing up and leaving the room. I sat back down at my desk and continued on with my work, feeling good about the idea I had just given to Jane. It would hopefully help both of the out during this time, I thought to myself satisfied.

Jane:

As it had been bothering me all day, I brought it up to Tom later than night when we were in bed.

"I hope we have made the right decision regarding "letting nature take it's course" Tom. After the initial announcement and everyone had left, Jane seemed very concerned over it. I haven't a doubt because of what happened with her own mother. She told me in her own words that she didn't want to lose me too. She was upset Tom."

"I know..." Tom replied. "She did come to see me as well. She said that you had told her to talk to me about it. I reassured her as much as I possibly could. She does love the idea of their being another sibling in the family, but there is no doubt that she is also very concerned."

"She seemed to be better after I reassured her with what you told me yourself. Do you think you were also able to convince her?"

"I think so...I hope so. The problem is that Jane is now old enough to know better. She can't be "fooled" so to speak. We can only convince her as much as we convince ourselves."

"Oh I hope we have done the right thing after all, Tom." I fretted. "Even though I am not Jane's mother and have no intention of replacing Mary for her, I do not wish to put her through a similar scenario that she went through with her own mother. I am now more concerned for her than I am myself."

"Shhh..." Tom reached for me and held onto me, making me feel better, more calm. "We cannot do anything about it now, but I can do anything and everything I need to this time that I did not even think I needed to do for Mary. I will search for the best doctor in Limerick and have a consultation with him or perhaps even several consultations over the next few months and get all of the advice he can offer and his word that he will be here when the time comes." Tom promised me.

Just as he had promised, Tom set off the very next day and was able to find one of the best doctors in Limerick who agreed to take me as his patient. He reminded me a bit of Tom in that he was a young doctor who was more of a "modern" thinker and doer. The first consultation we had and ones to follow also helped to relieve myself (as well as Tom, I'm sure) of our child birthing concerns. Of course he did also remind us that there can be no guarantees, but that over the next few months he would devote his time to studying birthing deaths and ways in which they can be prevented.

One night, I was awoken by a horrible sensation...I leaned over and my hand sought desperately for the bucket which I found just in time. I was only barely aware that someone who could only be Tom of course, had grabbed onto my hair and was holding it out of the way for me, simultaneously rubbing my back. I had the vague notion that he undoubtedly had done this for Mary numerous times.

"I'm sorry Tom." I whispered weakly when at last I fell back onto my pillow. Apparently, I was not to be amongst those lucky women after all.

"You are apologizing for being ill?" I could almost hear the smile in his voice. "You can hardly help it my dear."

"I did wake you up. "

As I was speaking, he lit the candle on his side of the bed, got up, brought over the water pitcher and a glass and set it down on night table on my side of the bed. He poured me a glass of water and handed it to me saying, with that smile on his face that I had pictured in the dark. "Don't be silly, my love. I am here for you, just like I was there for all of my other children."

These words brought tears to my eyes. I was finding out more and more about what kind of a man, both family-wise and husband-wise, Tom really was. I was more than lucky to have him.