Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all Twilight Saga and characters.

Renesmee

This was the first time that I felt like a college student. I was loved living with my friends and with my boyfriend living across the hall. Jacob came every morning for breakfast and we all took turns on dinner. Jake would often walk me to my classes and he drove me back home every day after classes.

"Who's cooking tonight?" Jacob asked as we parked outside our building.

"It's Duli's turn so I'm guessing we're having Italian."

"Awesome! His lasagna rivals Esme's and the garlic bread…" His eyes glazed over and I bursted into laughter.

"You are so easy to please." He smiled my favorite Jacob smile. We got to the boys' apartment and everyone was there. Even Leah drove down for Duilio's lasagna. Leah and Carol were setting the table. Anna and Brady were in a corner talking and laughing. Embry was helping Duilio with the garlic bread which was his favorite part of the meal.

"Where's Seth?" Jake asked as we entered.

"He's got midterm tomorrow so he and Edward are having an extra study session."

"Anna and Duli made tiramisu for tonight!" Brady told Jake as he sat next to them.

"Not until after dinner!" Anna warned him. Brady rolled his eyes at her but she caught him and pinched his nipple.

"Hey!"

"That's what you get for rolling your eyes at me." We all laughed and I went to the kitchen to help out.

"Hello beautiful." Duilio said when I walked up to him and handed me the salad spinner.

"How was class?" I asked him as he chopped some more vegetables.

"It was fine. Philosophy." He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly and that was the end of the conversation. Ever since he came back he had been very quiet and reserved. He didn't joke around or flirt with the girls which was very strange. Jake said he was just maturing but I knew better. He was kind, as always, but he wasn't himself. He looked at me again. His eyes narrowed probably because he saw the worry in my aura. He smiled shaking his head. I heard him murmur 'worry wart' under his breath and he come over to toss the vegetables into the salad spinner. I finished the salad and set it on the table. Everyone was already sitting at the table talking. I sat next to Jacob and rested my legs on his lap. I wasn't tiered but I felt more comfortable when we were touching somehow.

"So Leah are you excited about starting your master's next semester." Duli asked her as he set two lasagnas on the table.

"I'm only taking one class and only because Rosalie practically threatened to poison my food if I didn't. She's such a hypocrite. She says its not healthy that I am always with my son but she's always with hers!"

"That's not true. Momma, aunt Alice, and grandma Esme babysit for her all the time but you never let Harry out of your sight." I reminded her.

"Hell! I'm here aren't I? And Harry is at home with Esme." She complained.

"Well that's only cause your stomach is stronger than your maternal instincts." Jacob teased.

"Shut up Black! I'm here cause I missed my best friend and I don't mean you! Duli's lasagna is just a bonus."

"I can come make my lasagna for you any time you like, Leah. Just say the word." Duli told her with a smile.

"And that is why I love you Little V." We all laughed. Leah had given him the nickname Little V for her little Volturi which also worked well as little vampire.

"Take notes Duli. The way to a wolf's heart is through her stomach." I told him. Leah threw a napkin at me as Duilio brought the rest of the lasagnas to the table. We had four ovens between both apartments so there was always plenty of food.

"Dig in."

"Don't gotta tell me twice." Embry said as he shoveled a plateful of lasagna. Thankfully, Duilio had used up all the ovens to make six of them. And enough garlic bread to feed an army. We all ate our dinner and drank wine until it was almost midnight. Leah left early so that she could tuck in Harry, Anna decided to spend the night with Brady and Carol left to lock herself in her room to chat with Stephen. Only Duilio, Embry, Jake and myself stayed behind to watch a movie. I was tucked away on Jacob's lap so cozily that I was starting to feel sleepy.

"Better get her to bed before she starts snoring and ruins the movie." Embry told Jacob. I threw one of the pillows towards his head but he caught it easily.

"I don't snore." I said in a very matter of fact tone.

"Sorry, Sis but you do sometimes." Duilio gave me his half smile, mocking me.

"Alright baby. Let's get you to bed." Jacob stood, carrying me in his arms. He walked over to my apartment and into my room. He laid me in bed gently. I held on to his neck so that he couldn't pull away.

"Stay." I asked him. He smiled and kissed my lips. His strong arms were on either side of me as he climbed into my bed. He leaned closer to me to kiss my cheek, my chin, and then my neck... I definitely was not sleepy anymore. I wrapped my legs around his waist to pull him closer, needing to feel his weight on me. He was aroused and so was I. His tongue found the sensitive spot at the base of my neck and he suctioned it creating a soft pressure that caused every cell in my body to react. I moaned and instinctive pressed myself against him to subdue the warmth that collected between my legs. He hissed and rubbed his hardness against me in a slow rhythm that caused me to ignite. He took my lips captive and changed his rhythm to an almost frantic pace. This is when I realized that I was projecting my arousal to him. And my thoughts too.

"Shit Ness. We have to stop."

"Why?" I whined as I cursed myself for realizing I was projecting. He would have never known if I had not projected my little realization.

"Because I brought to here to sleep not to have sex."

"Please Jake." I asked him desperately.

He looked into my eyes. I could see the uncertainty in his eyes. He rested his forehead against mine and kissed the tip of my nose.

"I love you Renesmee. But I'm not ready."

"Is that true? Or are you just saying that because you think I'm not ready." I tried not to sound annoyed or angry but I couldn't help it. My anger dissolved when he did something I didn't expect, something he had never done before. He stared directly into my eyes as slipped his hand inside my pants and lightly stroked his fingers between my legs, feeling the moisture that had pooled there through my underwear. He groaned. I bit my lower lip in a vague attempt to stop myself from moaning but it escaped anyway. He removed his hand and I almost whimpered.

"It's not nice to tease me."

"Trust me Ness. I know you are ready and there is nothing more than I want than you at this very moment than to make you mine but I can't. Please don't push me to."

"I won't. I didn't mean to use my gift on you."

"I know. I'm gonna take a quick shower and then I'll come back to sleep over but you gotta take a shower too and change the sheets or the scent in here is gonna make my cold shower pointless." I giggled and nodded.

"Ok. Don't take too long, though."

"I won't unless your brother decides to kill me when I walk in smelling like this."

"You could just stay and make your death worthwhile."

He laughed his throaty Jacob laugh, throwing his head back. It calmed down to a chuckle and he kissed my lips lightly.

"You are worth it regardless. Now go take a shower." He said as he got up. He smiled and walked out the door. As disappointed as I was I was glad that at least he agreed to sleep over so I counted my blessings and did as he asked.

Jacob would spend most nights with me studying and then he would return to his apartment. Only on some occasion would he sleep over in my room. So I always cherished those few nights he graced my bed with his presence. The next day, it was always a bit awkward with my brother around knowing Jake slept in my bed. Duilio always watched us closely when he was around us. I could tell Duilio was a little disturbed by the change in our relationship but he never said anything. Once a week, Duilio and I would spend the afternoon together to go hunting. It was wonderful having him around, even if it was only for the semester.

"You and Jacob seem to be getting closer." He finally got the courage to bring up the subject.

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"I hate to say this but I can see you are getting increasingly aroused when you are around him. So is he."

"Duli! You are my little brother. I don't want you seeing that."

"I can't really help it. Besides, smelling my sister's arousal on her boyfriend happens to be much MUCH worse." He made a disgusted face and shook his head as if he were trying to shake the image out of his head.

"Oh God, Duli! I'm sorry."

"As much as I would like rip his member off, I also see how much you two love each other. If you feel ready, I give you my blessing and I'll even help you out with dad when the time comes."

"I don't even want to think about what daddy would say. But I don't think anything is going to happen. He said he's not ready and on top of that, Jacob is momma's best friend. He respects her and daddy too much to do anything. As frustrating as it is, I understand that he is in a difficult situation. I don't want to put a strain in our relationship or theirs."

"That's my Ness. Always thinking of others first. Just make sure you don't put a strain on Jake's junk cause I doubt Carlisle will want to treat that."

"Duilio Marco!" I smacked his arm and he smiled at me. His eyes were full of mischief and I almost saw a bit of his old self.

"But seriously, if you decide you can't wait please do it in your apartment. Or even better, go to hotel and shower before you come back." I shoved him lightly and he laughed. It wasn't his normal laugh but I'd take what I could get.

"How about you? Seen any girls you like on campus?" I saw his expression change instantly. He eyes looked pained and almost as instantly as is came, it was gone.

"Naw, why would I go look for girls on campus when I am surrounded by such beautiful women at home?" He said quickly. Duli has a tendency to use flattery to redirect you from asking questions he didn't want to answer, but I wasn't going to fall for it this time.

"What is going on, Duli? I've been trying to give you space and time but I'm really getting worried." He sighed and dropped to the ground by one of the larger trees. He leaned his head back against the tree closing his eyes. I sat next to him and took his hand.

"Tell me. You know I will never judge you."

"You say that, but you don't know what I've done."

"I love you. I'll always love you no matter what." He looked at me for a moment as if he were trying to decide. I don't know what he saw but he finally opened up to me.

"I know you're not going to like this but I've killed people Ness. You knew that already but what you don't know is that everyone I've murdered disserved to die. I know that dad had the same dilemma. He went after the bad men too, but he still felt wrong about it. I don't. I can see their souls. I know these men and women I kill are worthless, dark and undeserving of life. I don't feel guilty Ness. I did what I had to do to make this world a better place." He said with anger. I saw a little less of my brother and more of the deadly Volturi when he said this. Sometimes it felt like he had two personalities, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide. I tried not to how my discomfort.

"Ok. So what does this have to do with you dating?"

"I know the wolves would disagree but I'm not a monster Renesmee. I've never considered myself a monster until last year. I never realized what I was capable of."

"What happened?"

"Her name was Aria. She was beautiful. Dark hair, dark eyes, clear luscious skin. I saw her at the piazza eating gelato. She was trying to eat it quickly so that it wouldn't melt. I was mesmerized by her beauty, but it was her soul that truly captivated me.

"I introduced myself and I could see that she was attracted to me instantly. We called each other and finally we decided to go out on a date. I even introduced myself to her parents. We dated for three months…" He sighed again and I saw a glimmer of silver in his eyes.

"You fell in love with her." He nodded.

"I told her on our three month anniversary. She told me she loved me too but I already knew that of course. That night we decided to make our relationship physical. We went to a ravine we loved to swim in. It was isolated, beautiful and perfect for us. I should have known better than to take her somewhere so isolated but I wanted us to have some privacy. I wasn't prepared for what happens to us when we get intimate. I lost control and I didn't even notice her screams had changed to screams of pain. I broke her bones during the act, she was bleeding and I couldn't hold back. I drank from her…" His tears were flowing freely as were mine. I put my arms around him. He didn't hug me back. He stayed as still as a statue.

"I couldn't stop, Ness. All that emotion, lust, adrenaline overpowered me. I drained her. When it was over and I saw her mangled body, I didn't know what to do. I buried her there and I left Volterra. I was planning on never going back but I knew they would come for me.

"Demetri found me in two days. Marcus was with him. I don't know what I expected from him but he certainly surprised me. Marcus sent Demetri away and then he put his arms around me and held me. It was the first time he ever held me like that. I cried into his shoulder and he just held me, silently. When we got back to Volterra, I found out they had taken care of everything. They sent an email to her parents saying that she was running away, got train tickets using her credit cards, and even paid witnesses to report seeing her on the train. They expected me to go back to normal but I wasn't the same anymore. I had this overwhelming anger and bitterness inside me. I've been driving them crazy. I've been insolent and in Volterra, that type of instability can get you killed. I think that's why Marcus allowed me to come here. He is hoping I can find myself again and its working. Being here, living this life is so easy. I've missed home so much."

"Why didn't you come home to us in the first place?"

"I saw the disappointment you had when I first came here with red flecs in my eyes. I couldn't face that disappointment again. I loved her, Nessie. I didn't mean to kill her. I'm not a monster. I'm not." He said almost angrily. My heart ached and I remembered that not too long ago Eve had said some similar. 'I'm not bad', she told me as she justified her killings. It made me wonder what I would say if I ever slipped.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I need your disappointment. I need a reminder what I've done, of what it makes me."

"You are not your mistakes, Duli. This is who you are." I showed him images of our childhood. I showed him my memory of him, his kindness, his consideration and need to make all of us happy so that our colors would shine brighter. Even all those tricks we played had a purpose. Billy got a new wheelchair, Emily got her home painted, grandpa got his kitchen organized. He had always been good and one bad thing could not erase that.

"I'm not saying don't feel sorry because you absolutely should. The woman you love is gone but it was an accident Duli. We can't help what we are. People die every day. We are as much a part of nature and life and death as a car accident. Maybe it was her time. Maybe you should just cherish the short time you had with her. "

"And then what? Move on?" He chuckled humorlessly. "You don't know what this is like."

"I know guilt. I had to deal with guilt for a long time."

"Its not the same. You never killed anyone."

"I didn't?" He looked at me with a questioning expression and I realized there was no getting out of telling him how I felt. I tried to avoid it because I didn't want to dwell on the darkness but certain events in your life leave a mark.

"At first I felt guilty about what happened to Leah. As I started to heal from that pain I started to really think about what I did and I realized that there was something else I felt guilty about. Eve's father was in league with Levan and Ramon, but once he had his daughter, he changed and fought to protect her. Marcus didn't want you at first and even he changed his mind about you. What if Ramon and Levan would have changed their minds about their kids? What if they would have become good fathers after they met them? Chris and Harry are never going to know their father's because I killed them."

"That's not the same thing. They raped Leah. They were going to rape you."

"I had a good reason for what I did but it doesn't change the fact that I turned them to ash and it wasn't an accident. It was intentional. I could have ripped them apart and left them there but I didn't. I burned them because they hurt me and Leah and I let my rage and instincts take over. They didn't get a trial. I killed them, because I could, because they were vampires and they hurt me and nobody was going to judge me otherwise, but does that mean that I should get away with murder? Chris and Harry are still young but one day they are going to realize this. What do I tell them? What do I tell my two little cousins when they ask me why I didn't allow them a chance to know their fathers?"

"I doubt that Chris and Harry would judge you, Ness. Especially Harry. You know how protective he is of his mother."

"I know. And I hope that's true. But my point to this story was that you can't let the guilt eat you alive. When I feel like I am drowning I let Jacob pull me to the surface again. As horrible as it was, you can't change what happened. You have to let it go and you have to let the people that love you help you."

"How's that been working out for you?" He asked sarcastically. He knew every well that I still felt guilty.

"I didn't say I mastered it yet but I'm trying to work on it. I've gotten over my guilt about what happened to Leah. Leah and Jacob helped me a lot with that. Love can be very healing."

"Its hard to find healing love in Volterra."

"That's why we're here. Let us help you." He sighed and nodded.

"Thanks sis. I will. I promise. So, have you talked to Jake or mom and dad about feeling guilty for burning those vampires?"

"No, I haven't told anyone about this. Not even Jacob. He wouldn't understand. Unless their eyes are yellow, he doesn't see killing vampires as murder. I never talk to him about these things."

"That's a pretty big thing to are part vampire and you are immortal. Forever is a long time not to make mistakes."

"I know but I'm scared. He's a wolf and I am part vampire. He doesn't know the fine line that separates me from the monster."I whispered. He took my hand and kissed it.

"I know."

"Jacob will always love you, no mater what. You are very lucky to have him."

"I know I am. I wish you could find that love too."

"I thought I did."

"You know what I mean."

"You wish I had an imprinter."

"Yes." He smiled sadly.

"I'm venomous and I am a Volturi. A wolf in Volterra tied to venomous bloodsucker is a fate that I don't wish on my worst enemy."

"Well if a wolf imprinted on you, maybe you could finally come home."

"I doubt Marcus would ever let me go. I'm the only good thing in his life. Besides, he also needs me. He is trying to restore what Aro has destroyed. There's a lot of evil out there and a lot of mistakes have been made. As much as I love you all, you guys don't need me. I am glad that I can make our world better and more importantly, with me in Volterra, I know that you will always be protected."

"I'm the older one. I should be the one protecting you."

"True but I do it so much better." He smiled at me. I smiled back. We both got up and headed back to the apartment, hand in hand.