Twists And Turns

Chapter 6

I'm not sure how long I just stood there, suspended in midair twenty or so feet above the barren former-battlefield below. My vision wouldn't focus, it kept blurring red and shifting, no matter how often I shook my head to clear it or rubbed my eyes frustratedly. The monster was a greedy bastard, and it wouldn't let me go, especially not with the real, raw anger still thrumming in my blood.

And even then, that anger was just a cover-up of an emotion, to stopper up the ones I didn't want to feel. The ones I wouldn't – couldn't - make myself feel. The longer I thought about it, the more anger seemed like a form of cowardice. But a comforting cowardice, somehow.

Still, the fact that I had such little control over it, that it commanded me instead of the other way around; the way it had forced my hand and my words... it scared me.

If I'm scaring myself, the gods alone know what I'm doing to everyone else.

I growled as my futile attempts to banish the echoes of the monster from my veins turned out to be just that; futile. If I couldn't make it leave...

Let it burn itself out, I suppose.

I couldn't say how long that would take, or what the idea entailed... but the monster was a stranger to me, and while I had shaken its hand and invited it in... I didn't trust it and wanted it gone. At least for now.

I was hesitant this time, to submerse myself in the itching rage humming and whispering behind my eyelids. What if I lost myself in it? What if it never stopped? What if...?

My sight sank into the blurred ruby viewpoint of the monster, and I felt it take over, willingly gave myself to it for the moment. It guided me, gathered a ball of smoldering ki in my hand and fired it blindly at the ground below, charging another blast as the smoke unfurled from the craggy stone that had just been obliterated. As the burning energy released itself from me, my power jumped higher, and with the mindless destruction; I let myself slip deeper into my head, let the monster take the wheel.

.

.

After what felt like a moment and an hour at once, I felt the last of the anger drain away, my vision flickering back to normal as a last bolt of yellow ki spitted from my hand and collided with the ground... or what was left of it.

A long black expanse of wanton destruction spread before me, much like a deep, dark scar carved into the ground. The earth was buckled and blackened, huge cracks webbing outward from the source of the desolation... me.

I sighed quietly, swiping a stream of sweat from my forehead. I was no more enlightened than I had been before laying waste to an entire coastline, but at least the monster had curled up and gone back to sleep.

And then I was left to my thoughts, with no barrier to separate my mind from the conflict squeezing it from the outside.

I couldn't bring myself to look too in-depth into those thoughts though, not now, and I was physically and emotionally exhausted.

I didn't have to think about it, it turned out, because just seconds later I sensed a familiar ki-signal approaching me. Gohan, and he wasn't alone. Just behind my son trailed Krillin, and both looked urgent and worried.

Gohan halted a few feet away from me, the backlash of his ki buffeting Krillin as he stopped as well.

I drew a deep breath, summoning my most convincing smile before turning to greet them.

"Hey guys, what's up?" I forced out a cheerful greeting, though it may have sounded like a growl, I wasn't sure.

Krillin visibly flinched and took a step back in the air, but Gohan's expression did not change, just a slight raise of an eyebrow indicating he wasn't fooled.

"I sensed your ki rise, Dad," he said simply, "I assumed there was trouble."

"Really? Why would you-?" I began, again forcing nonchalance.

"Well generally you would only use your third form to battle some kind of enemy." Gohan interrupted swiftly, expression unfazed.

I blinked, only noticing right then that my power still remained dangerously high, the heavy mane of Super Saiyan three almost reaching my knees. I lowered my power quickly, but there was no sense pretending nothing had happened.

Krillin looked at me for a long time, an uncertain tint in his eyes, but said nothing.

"Are you okay, Dad?" Gohan asked after a moment, "You look stressed."

If only you knew, I thought bluntly.

"I'm fine." I muttered, a blatant lie.

"You just need to rest," Gohan went on, "Why don't you -?"

"I said I'm fine!" I snapped, aware that I had just bared my teeth threateningly at my son. While he might not understand Saiyan body language, being only half-Saiyan raised among humans; I knew what I had done.

I registered that Krillin had given a frightened squeak at the snarl grafted on my face.

"Goku... uh... maybe Gohan's right..." he stammered, "You're being... you're..."

"What?" I muttered, swallowing the rest of the retort.

"...You're scaring me..." my friend said extremely quietly.

I caught Gohan watching me, but his gaze was very different from Krillin's nervous glances. It was sympathetic, almost understanding.

"Krillin... why don't you head home?" the demi said eventually, "There's clearly no danger here and I think..."

"Are you crazy?" Krillin hissed under his breath, apparently forgetting I could hear him clearly with my enhanced senses, "What if he -?"

"Shut up, I can handle him," Gohan responded shortly, "He's my Dad, what could happen?"

The weighted look Krillin gave him was answer enough.

The human sighed and shook his head, "Alright, just be careful."

As he turned to leave, Gohan caught his wrist.

"Don't forget exactly who it is we're talking about." he said in an undertone.

Krillin's gaze slid over me once more and he just blinked once before leaving.

"He's different when he's afraid," Gohan said quietly once he was gone, turning to face me slowly, "Just like you're different when you're angry. What happened, Dad? I've seen you mad, but never like that."

I let out my breath slowly between my teeth. I couldn't relay everything, but I knew Gohan wouldn't accept a simple answer. I doubted I could give him one either way.

"I just... Things changed..." I said eventually, knowing how vague it sounded.

"What things?" he asked, "You've been acting different. Way different. Mom's noticed, and so have I."

I tried not to let the panic show on my face. ChiChi was all suspicious about my behavior too? How much had she guessed? How much had Gohan guessed?

"I'm not sure exactly," I half-lied, "I woke up and realized I was becoming someone else... and I guess I didn't try that hard to stop it."

"Why?"

I let my eyes close as I thought about it, "I... I had to change," I said slowly, leaving the rest of the statement unsaid. ...or else I'd fall apart.

I had to let the monster in, or I wouldn't have the small amount of control I possessed over it right now. It would have come calling either way. It was my choice whether I fought it or went with it, and I knew enough to know which battles I couldn't win.

When I looked at my son again, saw him studying my face, I was startled to see a look bordering on sadness enter his gaze.

"All the light's gone from your eyes," he said quietly, "Or else it's there but it's... harsher. Blunter. You look..." he trailed off.

...Angry. Like Vegeta. I know. I thought, averting my face from his.

"...Older." Gohan finished, surprising me slightly.

I blinked. I felt older, I'd give him that. Like I'd lived a hundred years since I was last confident in who I was. Three weeks or a lifetime, it was the same amount of time in my mind.

"I'm losing myself..." I said softly, almost unaware the words had left my mouth.

Gohan shook his head, "No," he said simply, "You're finding yourself."

I stared at him, utterly bemused.

"What do you mean?" I felt more lost now than I ever had, how could I find myself if I didn't know who that was supposed to be?

A small smile came to Gohan's lips, "While you might be more confused and angry than you've ever been before, run in circles with your own thoughts; think about it. You say you had to change... does the change feel natural?"

I remembered how easy it was to let the monster swallow me, how quickly thoughts sprang to mind where once I rarely pondered anything.

I inclined my head in a short nod, still slightly perplexed.

Gohan's grin persisted, perhaps brightening at my response, "You might scare Krillin with how intense your eyes have gotten, but without that old innocence obscuring them, they're so clear..."

My son the scholar. Spoken almost like a poet. I felt a grim smile tug at my mouth.

Still, for all his knowledge, I still felt as lost as ever. I didn't know what to do, who to listen to, who to trust. I hadn't even ruled myself out as trustworthy.

"What would you have me do?" I asked carefully. It seemed Gohan had wisdom to share, maybe he could give some advice. Gods know I could use some.

To my surprise, he laughed, giving me a devilish smirk; amusement lighting his eyes.

"Well it looks like an adventure to me." he said lightly, "I'd say let this 'change' run its course."

"But what do I do once it does?" I asked, unsure what he meant. Let the monster take control? Give in completely? Or did he mean to let go of the monster and become something else entirely?

He shrugged, "That's up to you... Sometimes the journey's half the fun, though."

That is if the journey lets you live to see the destination... I thought bluntly.

TBC