Hogwarts

January, 1994

It was incredible, but Severus Snape truly believed that life had actually managed to become even more intolerable. And just as in almost all instances where he'd been made to suffer, it was the fault of a smug, bespectacled, arrogant Quidditch player by the name of Potter.

Anyone could see that Potter was his father all over again. But, amazingly, this generation's version was even more of a trial to Severus than the previous one, for the boy seemed to be a magnet for the worst sorts of trouble. Over the years Severus had grown used to a rather unremarkable, if dull, existence as a Hogwarts professor; but no sooner had Potter stepped foot inside the castle that all manner of chaos broke loose, almost continuously and for each and every term.

To be fair, much of it had to do with the Dark Lord. Even Severus himself would grudgingly agree that there were certain things the boy certainly could not have helped. But it was evident that Potter also went out of his way to invite trouble, he and those wretched friends of his. And it was up to Severus to ensure that the brat didn't get hurt, or worse.

It seemed as though Severus was plagued almost continually with having to save Potter from himself. No sooner had they cleaned up the mess involving the Philosopher's Stone that the Chamber of Secrets was opened; and no sooner had that incident been taken care of, when that odious, wretched monster of a murderer had escaped Azkaban. It was bad enough that in all of the wizarding world, Remus Lupin the Werewolf had been hired to teach his, Severus's, Defense Against the Dark Arts; but now it would seem that Sirius Black was attempting a happy little Marauders' reunion by daring to breach the confines of the school.

Severus hoped to Merlin that Black would find his way into Hogwarts again just so that Severus could have the pleasure of Crucio-ing him to insanity before finally giving him to the Dementors. What he felt for that creature was beyond hatred: it was something hot and dark and mad, something there wasn't even a word for. It was blood pumping from a mortal wound, it was eyes ripped out from their sockets and smashed beneath a hobnailed boot. And the reasons were well beyond what that swine had done to Severus in school; this was the man whose actions had not only taken Lily away from him permanently, but also prevented Severus from ever achieving a reconciliation with her.

There were times when the remorse that he felt was even more powerful than his love for her. Mostly because he'd indirectly been the agent of her murder-in some ways, he was nearly as culpable as Black himself. But perhaps almost as regrettable, he'd never won back his honor in her eyes. She went to her death thinking him evil and irredeemable-she, who had been his one, lone champion. To kill Black, or at least to offer him up to the Dementors, would only dull slightly the keen throb of guilt that haunted him every hour of his life. Protecting Potter ameliorated it somewhat, for at least in that way he could atone for his fantastic error. But nothing could ever permanently erase the knowledge that he had betrayed her so terribly.

Looking back on it, he marveled at what a fool he'd been. The adult Severus could clearly see now the colossal mistakes the teenage Severus had made, could see how his choices had hurt the one single person in the world he cared for and who had cared about him in return. Potter is a fool, yes. But Severus had been ten times more foolish at that age. There were nights when Severus lay in his narrow bed unable to sleep while he tortured himself with a thousand what-ifs. What if Black hadn't been the secret-keeper, and Lily was still alive? What if Severus had been able to speak to her again, and let her know, somehow, that he was no longer in league with the Dark Lord? Of course, one doesn't turn away from Voldemort and expect to live; but if he could somehow just have told her, would she...? Would she at least have been his friend again? Perhaps not, as she was married to that arrogant bloody bogey hippogriff hemorrhoid James Potter. Then again, Lily was so stubborn, no one could keep her from doing what she meant to do; and if she had meant to be friends with Severus again, she would have been.

It would have been enough. It would have been enough just to have her smile at him again. It would have been enough just to hear her voice, even if she was praising James to the skies. It would have been enough just to have the right to care about her, to enquire after her, to think of her. Even if he had to endure the company of her odious husband and tiresome child, he'd have done it and gladly, as long as she would have smiled at him again...

"Severus! It's been ages!"

"It's been exactly two weeks, Lily."

"Well, it feels like ages anyway. And I'm so sorry I'm late, but Harry had a little accident."

"Surely he's potty trained by now."

"Oh, Sev! I mean he was flying his broomstick in the house-"

"Hmph."

"Don't be such a stick in the mud, Sev. Anyway, Harry was flying his broomstick in the house and he scared the poor cat to death, for she jumped on top of the breakfast table-during breakfast, mind you-and broke nearly all the dishes! The tea in the teapot splashed out too, and scalded poor James terribly."

"I shall be sure to bring the cat a nice toy when next I visit."

"You're the worst! But of course I had to clean the mess up, and make another round of breakfast since we'd hardly touched any of it when the accident happened. Poor Harry had his broomstick taken away from him for a week, since it's against the rules to fly in the house."

"I don't believe his father, either, was much for rules."

"Now Sev, be sweet."

"I always do my best to be 'sweet'."

"Speaking of which: what kind of ice cream do you want?"

"Lily, why on earth did you choose Florean Fortescue's in which to meet?"

"What? Don't tell me that being a...that being a You Know What killed your love of ice cream."

"I wasn't aware I'd ever had a liking for ice cream."

"You don't remember? Remember that summer when it was ever so hot, and Dad gave me some money to get ice cream and I took you to that little shop that had only two flavors and I got a vanilla and you got a chocolate and we took turns eating from each other's and you said it was the best meal you'd ever had? You don't remember?"

"Ah. It's been so long."

"Hasn't it? Anyway, I'm getting you a Muggle chocolate ice cream. I hope they have it here."

"Lily, I can well afford to pay for my own ice cream."

"So? I'm still getting you one. That's what friends do, right?"

"I...Yes. That is what friends do, Lily."

"See? All right. Hi there, I'll have a Wizard Twist, and he'll have a...Well, do you have Muggle chocolate here? Brilliant! Here you go, Sev."

"If you insist."

"Yes! Now eat it!"

"I'm afraid motherhood has made you unbearably bossy."

"You try managing a child and a man who sometimes acts like a child every day and see how you are!"

"Need I remind you that I oversee dozens of children every day for ten months a year?"

"I still can't believe it, Sev. A professor at Hogwarts! I bet you're ever so good as a teacher."

"I doubt my students would concur with you."

"Well, just promise you'll be nice to Harry when he starts school."

"Hmph."

"Sev! And eat your ice cream!"

"Yes, Madame."

"There you go! Ha! I saw you smiling, don't hide behind your hair and pretend you didn't."

"Upon my word, you've grown terribly saucy."

"I've been worse."

"Is that so."

"Yes." Pause. "I'm a lot cheerier now that we're friends again, Sev. For a while there, I'd felt as though I wasn't complete."

Pause.

"Me too, Lily. More than you can ever know."

As Severus paced his classroom one cold afternoon and scrutinized his students' abysmal Potions work, he noticed that Potter seemed strangely subdued. The boy had barely looked up when Severus criticized his potion, but only nodded quietly in response (the Weasley creature of course muttered something under his breath, earning a five-point deficit from his House). Naturally, Severus was keenly aware of the boy's fear of Dementors, just as Severus was aware of a lot of things the boy had no idea Severus kept track of. But it seemed to Severus that something other than Dementors was troubling the boy this day.

As Severus assumed his desk, Potter looked up, and their eyes locked for a moment. Before Severus could recover from the always bewildering recognition of Lily's gaze in her son's eyes, Severus was able to see a flicker of a face in the boy's thoughts, followed by a seething sensation of hatred that wasn't Severus's own but which matched his in quality.

The face was Sirius Black's.

"Attend to your work, Potter, or it will be another five points from Gryffindor," Severus said coldly as he reached for his pen. He saw the familiar expression of disdain cross the boy's face, before the boy said "Yes Sir" and turned to his cauldron again.

So he knew, Severus mused to himself as he began a letter to the Apothecary. Severus had wondered if Potter was aware that Sirius Black had betrayed his parents. Now Severus was certain he did, and that he'd learned this information rather recently. Who the happy bearer of this news was, Severus couldn't begin to guess.

That evening, when Severus presented Lupin with the wolfsbane potion prior to the full moon, the werewolf seemed to pluck this idea from Severus's head.

"Thank you, Severus," Lupin had said congenially enough when Severus stonily set the goblet on Lupin's desk then turned to leave. "Oh, by the way, Severus," Lupin added as Severus got to the door. Severus turned stiffly, replied "Yes?" as curtly as he could. For he took no pleasure in conversing with the werewolf, who unfortunately had adopted an attitude of polite camaraderie with Severus, as though the Marauders had never happened.

"Harry," Lupin went on, sniffing the potion and then making a face. "Have you noticed that he seems a bit quiet lately?"

"I don't deign to notice Potter if I possibly can," Severus rejoined, opening the chamber door. "Good evening, Lupin."

"Because of James?" Lupin asked. Severus paused. Then Lupin went on "Harry looks like James, indeed, but he reminds me very much of Lily, also."

It was only thanks to his long years of Occlumency that Severus managed to keep a neutral expression on his face, but his tone had a metallic edge to it as he slowly turned back around, then said quietly "You have no right to mention that name to me."

"Why not? She was my friend, too," Lupin said. Even though his tone was gentle, his expression sympathetic, Severus wanted to Sectumsempra the werewolf till he was a fountain of blood.

Unable to trust himself not to betray a word or look that Lupin could use against him, Severus declined to respond and instead turned round again to leave. But before he could, the odious werewolf was suddenly by his side, actually placing his hand on Severus's shoulder. Severus shrugged it off like he would a blast-ended skrewt.

"I know we'd never been the best of friends, Severus," Lupin said, "but I'd have thought that the years would have healed some of the old wounds."

"I did not come here to take a little stroll down memory lane with you, Lupin. Good night."

"All right then, Severus. But about Harry: do you believe he knows that Sirius betrayed his parents?"

"I haven't the least idea," Severus lied.

"Well. Sometimes I wonder if he'd found out, somehow. It can't be easy to live with that information. I confess it's still difficult for me to believe that Sirius..." Lupin didn't finish, merely sighed, glanced down at the floor.

"Some wounds never heal," Severus surprised himself by saying. Why in the world was he standing here having this conversation, and with this person of all people?

But Lupin only nodded his head mutely in response, as though he knew Severus wasn't referring to the Marauders. It was then that Severus finally got a hold of himself, and swiftly departed from Lupin's chambers.