Wow, thanks again fro all the reviews, faves and follows- you guys are amazing.
I'm home sick today (ughhh) so it felt like the right time to update. Hope you enjoy it!
Disclaimer: A perfect get well present would be if Marlowe gave Castle to me... Too bad he doesn't know who I am. So no, still not mine.
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Kate awoke in the middle of the night to a tiny whimper from beside her. She rolled over to check the time: midnight, right on schedule. Henry, so far, was eating about every two to three hours, although she fed him whenever he seemed at all hungry.
She pulled the baby into her arms to comfort him, and turned to glance at the man lying next to her. Castle was dead to the world; they'd both passed out around nine thirty after everyone left.
They'd agreed that they'd split night duty, but when all Henry wanted was her chest, it was hard to share the responsibility. He had insisted he'd get up with her anyways, but Kate internally chuckled when he said that, because she knew from personal experience that the man could sleep through an earthquake.
She smoothed his hair back from his forehead and leaned down to kiss him softly. Henry was pliant in her arms, sleepily rooting around and sucking on her shirt. She thought about feeding him in the bed, but decided against it, choosing instead to wander upstairs to his nursery, and settle down in the comfy rocking chair they'd purchased a couple of weeks ago.
She walked through the loft in complete silence and darkness, her feet finding the way without trouble. She stopped to grab a bottle of water; she was already feeling a little dehydrated from all the activity of the past few days and knew she had to stay on top of her fluids or she'd pay the price later when the adrenaline finally wore off and the exhaustion truly set in.
Henry's nursery was simply, but tastefully decorated. Castle had wanted to go all out- bright colors, fancy furniture, the works- but Kate had insisted that a baby would be much more comfortable in a serene environment. She had the idea to paint wide grey and white stripes across the walls, and then buy a simple white crib and matching changing table. The bedding was also in varying shades of grey and white, but accents of mint filled the room as well, to keep it from appearing too monotone.
Henry already a bookshelf filled with picture books, chapter books, and even a few novels. They'd began reading to her bump when it was barely noticeable, and they weren't planning on stopping anytime soon. If his parents had anything to do with it, Henry would be the most well-read kid in school.
The nursery had quickly become Kate's favorite area of the house: it was peaceful and inviting, warm and cozy. She'd spent so many hours inside it already: arranging the furniture, folding his little clothes, decorating the walls, and imagining her son in it. Now, he was here; it was finally complete. She still couldn't believe it.
Henry attached immediately and curled his body against her midsection, fisting his hand in her long, curly hair. "Good job, my sweet boy," she whispered, "you're getting so good at this."
She was just about to close her eyes and relax into rocking, when it caught her eye. She hadn't noticed it until now; Castle must have snuck it in when she wasn't looking.
He'd had a picture of her and her mother framed and hung it above the crib. It was taken on a random Christmas when Kate was about five; she was in her mother's arms and glancing at the tree with wide eyes. Her mom was looking at Kate, smiling and laughing. It was one of her favorite pictures, how had Castle known? She chastised herself for that immediately; of course he'd known, he, oftentimes, knew her better than she knew herself.
Her eyes filled with tears as she recalled the memory. She was so happy to be a mother, but she wished with all her might that she had her mom to share the joy with. Johanna would have been an amazing grandmother, and Henry would have grown up in awe of the passionate woman.
There had been so many times throughout the pregnancy Kate had wanted to call up her mom and ask her a question or tell her a story about the baby growing inside of her. How did Johanna cope with the morning sickness? Did she have any ideas for baby names? When Henry kicked for the first time, Kate envisioned the smile her mom would wear upon feeling it for the first time. She would have been over the moon to welcome in the new addition.
Kate had kept her emotions in check for the most part during her pregnancy; sure, she'd had her moments where she was in tears over something as silly as Castle not remembering to run the dishwasher or start the laundry, but most of the times when she cried over her mom, she did so in private. One morning, she'd come across one of her old ultrasound photos that Johanna had saved, and she spent the next hour in the shower, clutching her knees and rocking back and forth under the water with tears streaming down her face.
Another time, it struck her randomly early in the morning, and she'd slipped out of bed to run twelve miles and gain control over her senses.
In the hospital, she'd allowed herself a few tears when Henry was born: they were a mixture of joy and melancholy, happiness and grief. When Castle went home to change, she'd sat with her father as they both allowed the walls down for a few minutes as they imagined Johanna there with them.
But other than that, she'd either blocked the sadness or ran from it. She didn't expect tonight to be any different, and she wiped the tears away with the back of her hand and took a deep breath.
She allowed herself one more look at the picture, and that's when the dam broke free. She hadn't noticed it at first glance, but the frame was engraved. Above the picture, a simple script read "My Guardian Angel."
It was such a simple gesture, and so typical of the man she loved. Of course he'd thought to include her mother in the nursery; of course he'd make sure that the first thing their baby saw every morning was his grandmother watching over him.
Staring at the photo, and then her wiggling love in her arms, Kate finally let herself mourn. Without even a pause, she had begun sobbing and shaking back and forth. The baby detached and starting whimpering again, so she pulled him in tighter and kissed him over and over. Finally, she placed him in his crib- the first time he'd set foot in it- and collapsed to the floor in a fit of grievance, panic, regret, and heartache.
...
Castle woke up in the middle of the night to a cold, empty bed. He was still pretty groggy, and had no idea what had jerked him out of sleep, until he heard it.
It was extremely quiet, and he had to really listen to decipher it, but the tiny sob coming from upstairs had him on his feet in milliseconds. Someone was clearly crying, and it wasn't Henry.
He raced up to the nursery, tripping on a pair of shoes along the way, and paused at the door when he saw his wife in the fetal position of the floor.
"Kate," he whispered, alarmed. "Sweetheart, what's wrong?"
She looked up to him, her eyes filled with tears and her body shaking, and dissolved back into sobs. He rushed to her side and pulled her into her arms. She attached to him like a child seeking comfort, and he picked her up without trouble and carried her to the rocking chair.
He rocked back and forth, rubbing her back, running his fingers through her hair, kissing her on the forehead- anything to soothe her, just like he did whenever Alexis had a nightmare. She continued, and he didn't press for details. He knew she'd tell him when he was ready.
After a few minutes, she started to calm down, although tears were still streaming quietly down her cheeks. He kissed some of the falling drops, tasting the salt, until he felt something jab into his stomach.
Until now, he hadn't noticed she'd been clutching something in her arms, but once he looked down at the mysterious object, everything clicked.
He pulled the frame out of her trembling hands, and set it on the ground.
"Oh, Kate, oh Katie," (he rarely called her Katie; it was a nickname reserved for her father for the most part, but occasionally when she was falling apart, it just slipped out), "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I should've shown you, but I just hung it a couple days ago and then you went into labor..." He drifted off, feeling terrible about the gesture.
"No, no, Rick, I love it. You are the sweetest man, and I love that about you," she kissed him on the cheek, and scrubbed her hand over her face. She couldn't imagine how terrible she must look.
"It's just," she continued, "it's just that I've been pretending that it's okay that my mom isn't here, and just trying to move on, but it doesn't any easier. Henry will never know his grandmother, and she'll never get to hold him or spoil him or love him like we do."
"Kate, I don't know if there's a heaven or an afterlife, but I know, without a doubt, that your mother is here with us in some way or another. Even though she can't be with us physically, she still loves our baby boy to the ends of eternity. You think your mother would want to miss out on this? Of course not. She's here, she's smiling, and she's so proud of you. Honey, you've come such a long way. Six years ago, you were a shell of a woman, hiding in your mother's murder and living a life strictly for the badge. But look at you now, babe, you're a strong, independent woman who kicks ass for a living, while still managing to be the best friend, wife, and mother. You're amazing, Kate."
Castle finished his speech, and pulled her face up to look at him. She was still crying, but the intensity had faded and her body was no longer shaking.
Instead, she was clutching to him, and letting his words resonate within her. One of the reasons she'd fallen in love with him was his words and the way they could instantly calm her down.
She slowly stopped crying as he kissed the pain away. The hurt of missing her mother was still there, and she knew it always would be, but having Castle at her side made her stronger, made her more resilient in the fight.
She laid in his arms, protected and safe for a while, until finally she fell asleep.
Castle thought about moving her to the bed, but decided against it. She was too fragile right now, and frankly, he liked having her curled against him. After pushing the curls back from her face, and running his fingers down her back, he joined her in slumber.
They awoke sometime in the middle of the night, and made their way back to the bed.
Castle stopped to pick up Henry, and kept his arm around Kate as they walked through the dark apartment.
He laid the sleeping baby between them, and Kate snuggled in against Castle, Henry squished between his parents.
She whispered an I love you to her husband, who was already fast asleep again.
After a kiss on the baby's head, and one last thought of her mother for the night, her mind finally let go and her body relaxed.
She'd survived her first day home with the baby, and soon, she'd have survived the first night as well.
She can do this. They will do this.
Finally, she slept.
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Thoughts? Also, this was my inspiration for the nursery. Yay for pinterest! ( . )