Twists And Turns

Chapter 14

Hours passed. I was aware of Gohan returning home at about nine-thirty, and of him and Goten going to bed a little later. I sighed at the dark ceiling above my head. I had no intention of solving the dispute I'd caused with Gohan now, I had made my point; and once the anger that had had nothing to do with the monster had calmed, I had registered that I felt terrible about what I'd done.

Also I had more pressing matters in mind.

I glanced at my left wrist, where several faint white indentations still showed where I'd abused the skin with my own teeth. Half a senzu bean was enough to stop the bleeding and close the puncture marks, but it didn't erase everything; and I wasn't going to use a whole bean because it had seemed like overkill for such a small, self-inflicted injury.

For some reason, I felt like I'd done something very wrong – stark contrast to when I'd bitten Vegeta's shoulder; which had felt completely right, though I think I did regret the action itself, or my lack of thought during it ...But now I felt tainted and dirty...

Is it always going to be like this? I thought uncertainly. I think I had a pretty good idea what it felt like to be a drug addict now. Knowing that even when I managed to quiet the need for it, it was only a matter of time before it returned full-force, even worse than before. And what would I do then? I was barely keeping myself sane as it was – well... about as sane as I could be, considering Piccolo mentioning a "split-personality" and the muttering of my little monster that was not so little anymore.

The simplest answer seemed to be to find Vegeta and admit how much I wanted – needed – to be close to him... to be close to the source of this twisted up addiction.

I snorted; not only did that sound shallow, selfish and desperate, but it would only make my situation worse considering I still couldn't bear to look at myself in the mirror without wincing and turning away disgustedly. Giving in to what I wanted seemed to be the same as giving in to the monster, and I still had some fight left before I turned to that last resort. There were times when I couldn't force the monster back, but I hadn't surrendered to it completely... yet.

I'm sure it would have made Vegeta pretty happy if I admitted to desiring him – or more accurately, his blood and body – like this. But I think in the long run it would just make both of us miserable, and make me hate myself more than I already did.

Something dragged me away from my thoughts suddenly. It was like a warning bell, a plea and a feeling of deep distress rolled into one that I could almost hear, though it was obviously all in my head. Instinctively, I teleported; vanishing from my bed where I'd been neglecting sleep and re-materializing in an equally dark bedroom that wasn't mine.

I wasn't the least bit surprised that I had unconsciously brought myself right to Vegeta. Every time he was in danger, I instantly came to his aid without a thought, and I wasn't entirely sure why I could never stop myself from doing so.

….Only he wasn't in danger now.

Asleep, eyes tightly closed, he was clearly caught within a dream; his ki low and slightly fuzzy with sleep. I could sense fear radiating from him, and I hesitantly sat on the edge of the bed, watching him toss and turn in his dreams.

I didn't want to wake him; I can't explain it but for the moment, I didn't want him to know I was here. I just wanted to give myself a single second to look my fill before I tried to talk to him.

He needs your help right now, the monster said softly, surprisingly patient, That's why he called you here, are you going to give it to him or not?

Since when was that sadistic, impulsive, angry monster on my side? I was confused; for something that had originated from a sense of rage, it sure did have a calmer mood sometimes... but why?

Sighing inaudibly, I looked at the sleeping prince and tried to direct my ki towards him, tapping into the instinctive protection I admit I now felt towards him to tune the energy, making it soothing and warm.

It didn't seem to work, in any case, Vegeta's expression was still distraught as he thrashed in his sleep. I supposed he had to be conscious to interpret a ki signal, and he wasn't tied to my emotions like I was to his...

After a moment, he jerked awake, eyes snapping open only to fill with tears as he hid his face and sobbed wrenchingly.

Slightly unsure, I let his emotions wash over me to try to make sense of them. Anguish, terror, hopelessness... isolation? His back was to me, so I couldn't see the full extent of his expression, but his low level of ki was absolutely chaotic.

I remained silent, having no idea what I should do.

Eventually, Vegeta's energy balanced itself, though he was still distressed and extremely upset.

Slowly, he turned over, and his confused eyes connected with mine.

"K-Kakarot?" he asked disbelievingly, in little but a whisper, "What are you doing here?" He sat up unsteadily, his dark eyes alive with emotion and uncertainty.

"What does it look like?" I asked levelly, my voice neutral and quiet, "You needed me here, so here I am."

I remembered that he'd sent me away, all but told me to leave. Maybe I was defying him by returning on my own, but I can't say I cared about following his orders.

"What do you mean I -?" the prince began.

"I could feel it... in my head." I interrupted, touching a fingertip to my forehead, "It was like you were begging me to come. I thought I'd have to save your ass again, so I IT'd here."

Not consciously, but I had automatically come to his rescue... It turned out there wasn't a lot of rescuing for me to do... but I wasn't about to leave and return to my impossible thoughts and my empty bed.

I thought about that last part. I had assumed I was so drawn to Vegeta after ChiChi left because it was instinct, because he was deliberately tempting me, or because the monster was urging me to be so... never once did I consider that I might have grown lonesome. I had never had a problem with sleeping alone before... but then, I had never lost quite so much genuine companionship quite so quickly all at once before... In fact, I don't think I'd ever really lost someone I cared about because of something I'd done or become. Now I'd lost nearly everyone, except a select few that seemed to understand me, like Piccolo and Gohan; and the latter probably despised me since I'd attacked him.

"It's the middle of the night," Vegeta said shortly, and I blinked away my grim musings, returning to the conversation.

"Doesn't matter," I muttered, glancing at the winking red digits of the clock beside Vegeta's bed; it was long after midnight, "If you were on Namek at three a.m. and you needed my help, I'd go there, regardless of what I was doing."

Of course, I probably wouldn't choose to do that, but either way, it seemed I was programmed to respond like that when he was in trouble. There wasn't a lot I could do about it.

"So why did you need me this time?" I asked, trying to get information about the dream... what was it about that had caused him such dread and anguish? "Obviously I'm not here to rescue you."

"I didn't even realize that I was..." he began quietly, trailing off.

Apparently he hadn't noticed that he was essentially calling for help in his sleep; that made sense, but it didn't answer my question.

"It was just a dream." he said shortly after a moment.

A slightly dejected look crossed his face; as if he expected me to leave once I learned there was no real threat. I'd already known that; I'd known that the minute I teleported here. But as long as he wasn't sending me away again, I wasn't going to leave just because I didn't have to defend him against some kind of danger. The monster was quiet, my conflicted thoughts were calmed for now, and I was within close proximity of the person I'd been needing to be close to for hours... I wasn't going anywhere.

I moved so that I was kneeling on the foot of the bed, carefully meeting Vegeta's eye for acceptance. I wanted to be nearer to him, even if I couldn't go any further right now. It would be enough just to breathe his serene scent and feel his steady body heat. If I could have that much, I silently swore I wouldn't ask for anything else.

Vegeta nodded once slowly, and after a moment's hesitation, I crawled over and lay down next to him, a few inches of space separating us. Immediately, I felt better. Like the feverish demand that had anchored into my body since I marked the prince had been soothed, just by being near him. I let my eyes close peacefully and laced my own fingers on my stomach, relaxing in the lull.

I remembered why I was here, and spoke without opening my eyes.

"What was it about?" I asked quietly.

"What?" Vegeta asked, as if startled out of a deep thought.

"The dream," I said, trying to picture his expression as he spoke, relying on my other senses besides vision to paint the picture, "What was it?"

He was silent for a long moment, and I could feel his ki dip with unhappiness.

"Nothing," There was a definite, bitter spritz of dishonesty in his voice, "Don't worry about it."

I laughed softly, more like a sigh than a real laugh.

"If you're going to lie, save it for someone else," I muttered with my eyes still closed, "I can sense that you're not telling the truth and that you're actually pretty worked up about this. So tell me and get it off your chest."

Again, he was quiet for a few seconds, and I could feel that he was unnerved, perhaps at my perceptiveness.

He took a deep inhalation, and I could sense him gathering his courage, "In the dream... I... I lost the baby." I could hear the tremble in his voice, and knew how difficult it was for him to admit that such a thing had truly scared him.

I opened one eye slowly, then the other; I wanted to look in his eyes to understand the mixed emotions I was interpreting.

Vegeta began to speak again, and I could see and hear how progressively hard it was getting for him to say each word, "The sheets were red, and the baby's ki was gone. Dead. Lost. I…. got scared," I stared, I had rarely, if at all, witnessed the arrogant prince admitting fear like that. "I knew I had failed, but more than that… I…. I knew I had lost the most important thing in the world to me… and it t-tore me apart…"

He covered his mouth with a fist to mute the sob that I could sense was building, his dark eyes bright with unshed tears.

Gods, when did he become so vulnerable? I thought absently, an urge to protect thrumming throughout my body. All I wanted was to comfort him, though I wasn't sure that want really belonged to me. It was instinctual, but I decided to act on it anyway.

I wrapped an arm around his shoulder, my fingers rejoicing to be coming in contact with his warm skin, and I brought him closer to me, laying his head gently on my chest. His scent rushed into my nostrils straight to my brain, and I started purring as he breathed shakily, the wetness of his tears pricking my shirt. I threaded a hand slowly through his hair, marveling at how soft it was, as I attempted to soothe him at my body's command.

"Shh," I whispered, stroking my fingers through his hair again, "It's okay... everything will be okay..."

I wanted to take him in my arms and kiss the breath out of him, but I forced myself to remember my restraint. I wasn't even supposed to think that way after what I'd done the last time I had caved.

This is for him... not myself... I thought, my purr rumbling softly against the prince's ear pressed to my chest. After a few moments, he fell asleep, and I could sense in his ki and stabilized emotions that I had done my job well.

Still, as I continued purring even after he drifted into sleep, I couldn't help but submerge myself in his scent, the heat of his body, the indescribable texture of his hair against my fingers.

It wasn't long before my eyes closed and I fell asleep as well. And I didn't realize it then, but it was the first time I'd actually slept in a month.

X

I awoke a few scant hours later; it was early in the morning. I felt amazingly renewed after actually getting some rest, and I carefully extricated myself from the still-sleeping prince and left the room without a sound.

Bulma and Trunks were getting ready for work and school, and I alerted them of my presence before heading into the kitchen to make some food. I was actually hungry; after weeks of negligence and disinterest, I actually wanted to eat something. I was almost inclined to call it a miracle, and I caught myself smiling as I filled two plates with food; one for Vegeta, as he'd be waking up soon, and my instinctual nature was commanding me to provide him with sustenance. I didn't even resent that instinct, and I thanked the mailman as he dropped off the newspaper at Capsule Corp's door, slipping said newspaper under my arm to bring to Bulma's room – which was technically Vegeta's too.

I felt like a new person, and the monster was completely silent, almost as if it approved of my current good mood.

I was walking up the stairs, careful to avoid spilling the full tray of food I carried, and something very solid crashed into me, nearly knocking the whole thing out of my hands. I glanced at Vegeta in time to see him lose his balance, looking at me as he stumbled in utter disbelief.

"Jeez, Vegeta, look where you're going." I muttered without heat, helping him stand straight and adjusting the tray in my grip.

He blinked at me once, bemused. I wondered why he was so startled, and by feeling his emotions, I could sense that he was amazed that I had stayed here after the night.

"What are you doing?" he asked blankly after a moment. I think he'd meant to say 'what are you doing here?'

"Bringing food," I said simply, gesturing with my free hand at the large tray I held in my other, "I got hungry, and I figured you'd be too."

He was Saiyan, and Saiyans were hungry nearly all the time; unless they were fighting an addiction to a prince and a monster in their head. But for the moment, both were quieted, so I reverted back to my Saiyan nature when it came to food.

Vegeta nodded slowly, and followed me as I took the remaining stairs back to the bedroom and laid the food tray on the bedside table, tossing the newspaper to the side of it for Bulma to read when she returned home. I sat down on the bed and placed the two plates of food there as well. After a second, Vegeta joined me, seeming a little uncertain.

I lay back leisurely and put a strawberry in my mouth, savoring the sweet fruit after so many days without tasting such things. It seemed the effect of my withdrawal was wearing off, and I was taking interest in what I saw and tasted again. I assumed it was because I was still near Vegeta, sating my need for his presence so that other, more basic, needs of my body could be reawakened.

After a while, the prince set his plate down on the floor and lay down, folding his arms behind his head distantly as he looked at the ceiling. I could sense that he was deep in thought, something that put a frustrated dent between his eyebrows; I wasn't going to pry to find out exactly what he was thinking about, though I'm pretty sure I could have if I wanted to.

I expelled my breath silently, "It can't stay like this... We can't stay like this" I said carefully.

Vegeta nodded twice, still not looking at me, "What are you going to do about it?"

It could have been a challenge; pressing for some explanation for my changes in action and word alike, and asking where to go from here. It felt a bit like a stalemate, this momentary respite from conflict, but it also felt like a relief.

"Me?" I asked, "I'm not sure." At least that was the truth. "What are you going to do, Vegeta?"

He leaned on one elbow and looked at me calculatingly, waiting for me to catch on to the almost teasing vibe in his ki. I couldn't hold back the grin that pulled at my lips as I sensed his grim amusement.

"Oh, I don't know Kakarot," he said sarcastically, almost mockingly, "Maybe have a fucking baby?"

At first I laughed, joining in his blunt sense of humor for a moment as I sat up slowly.

And then the seriousness of that remark caught up to me and I stopped. Behind the brief amusement was a whole lot more emotion that he was hiding from me. Maybe even hiding from himself.

"Are you scared?" I asked softly.

He sighed, "It's not going to be easy, that much I know."

"At least you won't be alone," I said, a half-reminder of my promise to stay with him through this ordeal. Even if I couldn't give him what he really wanted from me, I could offer that much.

"That I won't," Vegeta agreed in monotone, "And what will you do when this is all over, Kakarot? One way or the other?"

I thought about it. I wasn't sure I'd be able to tear myself away from the prince if my addiction withstood the course of this pregnancy. Even if it didn't, I doubted I would vanish from his life. There was something about two all-powerful Saiyans that caused them to bump into each other even unintentionally, and I was certain Vegeta wouldn't give up that easily if I did manage to leave him. As far as I could see, I was stuck with this unless some cataclysmic event caused a change in the status quo.

"...I'll do what I have to." I said eventually, glancing at him, "...And you?"

He snorted, "I'll either spend the next eighteen years or so trying not to screw up the completely unfamiliar process of raising a child, or I'll never speak to anyone again and crawl into a hole and die... What a bright future."

That last remark sounded more defeated than anything else, and I felt a small rush of sympathy, despite myself.

"Oh come on, it won't end like that." I argued, trying to lighten the dampening mood.

"Those are the only two options, Kakarot." he muttered, "Succeed or fail, either way I lose."

That sounded a lot like my current situation... Whatever choice I made, it did little to impact the overall outcome. Seems the prince was in the same boat.

"You only lose if you don't succeed," I said slowly, trying to console him instinctively, "That's the definition of failure."

He looked thoughtful, and eventually just looked away.

I felt a purr start in my chest again, a primal desire to alleviate his uncertainty.

Vegeta's nerves were as frayed as mine were, and I had the feeling both of us were slowly becoming much the same creature, experiencing varying highs and lows but either way scarcely able to react. Relying on other means to make decisions for us; whether those means were fate... or the quiet whisperings of a monster.

TBC