Twists And Turns
Chapter 16
The weekend drew to a close, and I distanced myself from Vegeta. I barely noticed when Bulma and Trunks returned home, but neither seemed surprised or opposed that I was still here.
After Vegeta had kissed me, I realized something. It was never going to stop. My bottled desire for the prince, and his blatant desire for me... it wasn't something that would simply fade away, much as I tried to ignore it. And the half-relationship we had right now was not going to last... nothing that unstable could remain without balancing itself somehow. And I was afraid of that. I couldn't see the future, and I felt like I was blindly running into something I couldn't foresee... no matter what I did, I wouldn't be able to stop it.
I was alone far more often now that I had been since I decided to stay here at Capsule Corp. I didn't want to be near Vegeta – well... I did... every facet of my being wanted to be near him... but I felt that I shouldn't be. My arguments for avoiding him were pretty weak though, and were growing weaker as time passed. I couldn't justify anymore why I refused to give in, but that just made me more frustrated, and fueled my attempts to deny the ceaseless want in my veins.
After a few days, Bulma asked to talk to me. I conceded because I couldn't see why not, and to be honest I had missed the amiable conversation with my friend... In fact, it had been a long time since I'd seen any of my friends at all. I doubted they would even recognize me now.
I sat down across from her in the living room; on the arm of my chair to deliberately make myself uncomfortable... every time my body was comfortable and relaxed these days it started to get aroused, and I couldn't have that. I think it was because I was now almost constantly in the vicinity of Vegeta, constantly bombarded by his scent and ki and overwhelming presence... It didn't take a lot of imagination to interpret it like that... and it was more than my body could handle.
"Can I ask you something, Goku?" Bulma began, taking a sip of coffee and scrutinizing me.
"...Sure," I said, unable to come up with a reason why I should refuse.
"You're not... happy right now, are you?" she asked.
I sighed and averted my gaze, "It's that obvious?" I answered her question with another.
"I just...I don't think I've seen you smile since..." she trailed off, "...in a long time. Are you mad at Vegeta?"
I bit my tongue hard to stop the automatic retort of the monster, trying to sort out what I myself actually felt.
A long moment passed, and I let my breath out slowly, "Yes." I said.
She raised a slender blue eyebrow, setting down her coffee mug, "Why?"
Because I... I can't stand being away from him... and I can't stand being close to him...and I'm scared... of what he's doing to me...
"It's complicated." I muttered.
She was silent for a moment, seeming to study me like she'd studied so many scientific projects...
"...Did you know?" she asked after a while.
I blinked, "Know what?"
"When you and Vegeta... you know..." she gestured vaguely with her hands, and I suppressed a shiver of restricted desire. Oh, I know all right...
"Did you know what the outcome would be? Did you know he could get pregnant?" she continued.
I took a moment to calm down; despite how uncomfortable I'd made myself, a certain area of my body was still taking interest in the implications of her words, in a leg-crossing way.
She looked at me steadily until I finally lifted my gaze to meet hers, "...No." I said shortly.
"You didn't do it on purpose?" she pried.
I almost laughed, but the question was far from humorous, "Absolutely not." I said, a little bit sharply.
"One more question," she went on, looking at me piercingly, "Did you hurt him?"
I didn't allow myself to think about it, to delve into that hazy memory that I'd buried for my own good.
I stood up quickly, with finality, "Why don't you ask him?" I muttered, walking away without waiting for a response.
X
I no longer joined the prince in his bed at night; that had stopped the day he kissed me, and I was back to not sleeping again. I was all but given the sofa by Bulma, but I rarely lay there. Most nights I would stand on the balcony and just watch the stars without seeing them. I hated that I was slipping back into depression, but I didn't know how to stop it... and disinterest came back over me after a while. I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to talk to people, and the world was grey again.
Something changed about Vegeta. Not a momentous change, it was a tiny physical change... not even, it was just a change of clothing. He didn't wear everything spandex anymore, but instead wore loose T-shirts, likely because the skintight clothes were getting uncomfortably tight. I would glimpse him occasionally just walking down the hall, and the looser collar of the new shirts would shift with his stride, providing a display of the bite mark on his shoulder whenever he took a step... as though deliberately tempting me.
Still I avoided him, and even avoided eye contact and conversation, wary of him and wary of myself.
The monster had been suspiciously quiet, and I was beginning to wonder if it was planning something... it left me alone for the most part except for whispering and commenting occasionally on the events of each day.
After a while I grew irritated with how pathetic I'd let myself become again, and I made a resolution to at least try to get back some of the relative equilibrium I'd achieved when I let myself get closer to Vegeta before. I forced myself to meet his eye, to even speak to him once or twice, though I kept my words small and used uncomplicated subjects... more for my own benefit than his. I didn't want to stir up trouble again...
My protective urges hadn't faded, and they did in fact show up later that week. I had been on the landing of the stairs when I saw the prince stumble, and instinctively reached out and caught him from behind before he fell. I felt his ki swing with a surprising bolt of pleasure, and I didn't have a second to register confusion before Vegeta whirled around and grabbed my bangs, his lips latching desperately onto mine without warning.
Gods, I thought I would explode. It was too much of a conflicted moment, too much pressure and uncertainty and doubt... Too many sleepless nights, too many impossible questions... and the kiss was the cherry on top that tipped the whole thing over.
The monster butted in, flaring my ki without my consent, but I didn't fight it. I was too shell-shocked and frozen to resist, even as I tried to escape, to push Vegeta away to regain some of my sanity, he just took the hand in his own and brought it between us. I was swamped with the instinctive desire titillating my exhausted body... but instead I fed off the monster's anger, transforming to Super Saiyan two, lightning flickering around my skin, my hair turning to pale blonde in Vegeta's grip. His dark eyes opened slowly, carefully, and I summoned a glare, wanting nothing more than to simply disappear. I couldn't do this anymore.
I gripped his shoulder to try and force him away from me, and he released me, his eyes hazed with a need I ignored. As soon as my lips were free of his I pulled my hair out of his grasp, retreating several stairs backwards. I was breathing hard and shaking, my teeth aching to bite something, the monster not whispering, but shouting in my head. Demanding I take control of the situation.
"Dammit, Vegeta," I snarled, "I told you no!"
The prince looked perplexed, as if reality was just now catching up to him.
"Kakarot, I-" he swallowed hard, "I d-didn't mean to, I swear –"
"It doesn't matter;" I retorted angrily, "I. Told. You. No."
He didn't respond as I expected him to...
"Make up your mind!" he shouted, "You kissed me first, remember? Every fiber in your body is telling me yes, only you keep saying no!"
"And for good reason!" I countered sharply.
But that was the end of Vegeta's patience.
"What reason?" he demanded, "You've got nothing to be scared of, you're the one that got me pregnant!"
I didn't think.
"I'm not scared of anything!" It was all I could do to put conviction into the words.
...That the prince would suggest that I was guilty of such cowardice caused rage to boil in my veins, even if I knew he was completely right. I was afraid... but I couldn't admit it.
Vegeta did not back down, "Prove it!" he shouted, his voice shaking with anger, "Prove you're not terrified that I'll bite you back! Prove you're not dead-scared of commitment of any kind! Prove you're not just too afraid to be in love with me! Prove it, Kakarot, 'cause I'm sure not seeing it!"
I just stared at him. I couldn't prove any such thing... and I could already feel the carefully constructed facades and walls that I'd kept up for so long beginning to crumble. I had to do something or Vegeta would see what I'd been trying to hide all this time... and once my defenses fell away, I would have nothing to protect me from myself...
I'm sorry... but this is for the good of both of us.
"You want proof?" I forced my voice to remain steady, to not betray my true emotions
My hand drew back almost of its own accord and struck the prince viciously across the cheek with a resounding crack. I felt skin break beneath the force.
There was a second's dead silence... and then insanity. Everywhere in my head there was shouting; the monster demanding I make use of the force I had just exerted, to use it properly and give into what had been nagging at me for almost a month... and every protective, defensive impulse and instinct I had ever felt was raging at me, berating me for daring to hurt Vegeta and punishing me for it with bolts of agony grabbing mercilessly at my brain.
I looked up to see Bulma and Trunks rush into the room, both looking frantic. Then my gaze was drawn painfully to Vegeta. His expression was one of total shock; and his cheek where I'd slapped him was slick and dripping with blood, but with the outraged chaos in my mind, I wasn't allowed to remember a desire for the taste of it. I felt sickened.
I couldn't take it anymore, "It's over, Vegeta." I forced out, gathering my ki and teleporting, already expecting and strangely almost welcoming the stabbing migraine that instantly descended on me as I left the prince behind.
X
My eyes were burning, and I sank to my knees upon rematerializing in my empty house; tears welling up and then falling unchecked down my face. I couldn't remember the last time I had cried...not since I was a young child... and I had almost forgotten what it felt like. The ache in my throat and the blurring of my eyes... Gasping sobs so deep and wrenching that they strained my ribs kept wracking my chest whenever I tried to breathe. My head was pounding, pressure and pain battering the walls of my skull, and my fingers tangled in my hair in frustration and anguish.
I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I didn't know who deserved those words from me most... I had failed and hurt and betrayed so many of the people I was close to.
TBC
((It's been a while since I updated this story I guess... I was so unfocused when I wrote this, so I didn't put up as much effort as I could have... oh well.
Thanks for reading and reviewing, I love you guys.
-Shinsun))