Twists And Turns

Chapter 17

My skin felt like lead. Heavy, dragging and painful, pressurizing every throbbing artery and aching muscle to the point of bursting or falling apart. I couldn't bear to stay still though, and I got to my feet unsteadily, pacing just to give some kind of action to my exhausted body. Hatred burned up through my chest like acid, but to my slight surprise it wasn't directed at the prince I'd abandoned. In the moment; I completely and utterly hated myself.

Every mistake I'd made and wrong turn I'd taken crashed over me in those brief moments. Everything I'd said, everything I'd done... and I felt disgusted. I wished I could take more than half of it back, but at the same time there were things that I was guiltily glad I'd had the nerve to do. Like telling ChiChi to take a hike. Only when she was gone had I realized how much she'd treated me like something unpleasant on the bottom of her shoe; even before all this madness had started, she had never appreciated me at all. I would understand if she treated me like that now, but I hadn't been such a bitter person back then... and yet she had still disrespected and even degraded me on a daily basis. I wondered how I'd put up with it for so long without noticing...

I didn't know what to do. The thought of being around anyone of any kind sent a flash of anger through me; but I couldn't stand to be alone anymore. It was so loud in my head that I could barely hear myself think; and the few times I could, the thoughts I managed to hear scared me senseless.

My mind turned unconsciously to Vegeta. I should have guessed it would. The shock in his gaze when I'd slapped him - when he realized I was about to leave him again – stayed imprinted in my memory. In closing my eyes I could sense what he was feeling now; confusion, panic, desperation... Guilt twisted in me sharply, but I ignored it. I couldn't go back to him now seeking forgiveness; I would end up where I started, and honestly nothing had changed in this stalemate of ours. My fuse of patience had run out, but I still felt the same morbidly conflicted things for the prince. Complex anger, twisted love, warped hate; and a strange stab of jealousy. What I had to be jealous of concerning Vegeta, I didn't truly know. But I had a feeling that it had something to do with his relative freedom compared to mine. And the fact that – hormones or not – he hadn't changed all that much throughout this whole thing... He wasn't being forced to change.

I stopped pacing suddenly, a chill of dread that I couldn't explain slithering down my spine. I could feel a throbbing beginning in my temples, warning me that something was wrong.

I have a hard time describing what happened right then. It was as if something had reached into my head with clawed hands and started rapidly unraveling things, penetrating thoughts that were solely mine and destroying emotions, feelings, attachments...

I felt my heart stop. Agony gripped me, bringing the taste of blood to my throat as I heard myself scream in protest, my teeth gritting together so hard that I was distantly surprised that none of them broke. Fundamental things; the things keeping me breathing and functioning every day, were mercilessly severed. I had never before realized how much I'd come to rely on Vegeta's presence in my mind, on feeling his emotions comforting my own and knowing what he was thinking when I couldn't count on myself.. until all those things were ripped away. Like a sinister vacuum, the purge sucked out every link I had to the prince, sucking out a sizable portion of what was left of my soul with it.

The monster awoke with a jolt, spreading blind panic and fury through my veins, blotting out conscious thought. All I knew was that I was not going to survive this. There was no way I could keep living without a soul.

Fear of being destroyed was honed with the monster's guidance into a singular point of pure rage, and I wasn't even aware of teleporting. Everything in my mind was black.

.

.

My fingers closed around the first thing they came in contact with, and I barely had the sensory capabilities to realize it was Vegeta's throat in my grip. The world was a whirl of unintelligible colors, unfamiliar scenery whipping past the solitary black hole at the center of it all; me.

I was barely aware that my power was reaching dangerous heights, my hair lengthening to reach my knees; all I could feel was the monster's unadulterated rage setting my skin on fire and pitching what little I retained of my vision into red.

The only thing I wanted was to stop or at least lessen the torment in my mind and body, and I wanted Vegeta to feel some of that agony and fear. To know what he'd done to me at last and understand why he was wrong beyond belief. I felt no urge to guard him anymore; no impulse to protect, and the monster was whispering encouragingly that he deserved to suffer for everything he'd done.

Outside my field of vision, I sensed the demi-Saiyan weakling approaching me, and my free hand shot up of its own volition and collided with his head, snuffing out that irritating presence as he collapsed to the ground and didn't move. Possibly dead. I didn't care anymore.

I could feel Vegeta's energy draining, this one last link tying him cruelly to me; torturing me with the fact that he could still stand there, could still look at me, but I couldn't feel him at all. The tears gathering in his wide eyes were lost on me, and I didn't let him go.

"K-Ka-kar-ot... P-please..." he choked, unable to breathe, "...don't... please, th-the ba-by..."

Yes, distantly, I could feel the tiny spark of ki I'd discovered before fading... I found the monster thinking 'good riddance'.

"Not this time, Vegeta," I growled, surprised I could speak coherently. I was tired of excuses; tired of having to be his rescuer, "You're in way over your head now."

"I swear..." He pleaded, "I... I d-didn't know –"

I cut him off, the monster channeling the flinty words I spoke. "Didn't know what? That I'd be upset? That I'd find you so quickly? That I wouldn't just let you go and forgive you like I have countlesstimes before?" I glared upon him with blurred eyes, the burning hatred I'd felt earlier brimming again, sawing corrosively at my lungs with each breath I took. "You're all out of second chances, Vegeta. No more."

My grip tightened, and somewhere in my mind I knew I was deliberately killing him. The monster goaded me however, with the promise of relief once the prince was removed from the picture.

I almost flinched at the touch of a gentle hand tracing my cheek, and after a long, painful moment; the red haze of the monster seemed to dim slightly.

"I..." Vegeta whispered brokenly, his eyes flitting closed, "I l-love you, K-Kaka...rot..."

I froze, the monster's grip completely melting away in a moment, my power dropping with it to return to my normal state.

What was I doing? My hand withdrew quickly from Vegeta's throat; the appendage was shaking like the rest of me. Without the support though, the prince fell, and I caught him without thinking before he hit the ground.

I felt empty and numb, unable to react to anything; and when a small smile crossed the prince's semiconscious face and he snuggled up to my chest, I didn't think to stop him. He didn't seem aware of what he was doing, and his eyes were still closed. He could have been asleep... then again, from his paleness, he could have been a corpse.

I hadn't even felt the tears forming, but they fell from my eyes before I could wipe them away, a few landing on Vegeta's reposed face. He flinched, one of his liquid ebon eyes opening and connecting dazedly with my own gaze.

It truly hit me right then. I could have killed him. Would have killed him if I hadn't stopped at the last second. Trembling with shock, I held the prince closer to me. I could barely imagine an existence without him, and the fact that I had almost brought such an existence upon myself just now released an inundation of tears and a quiet mantra murmured in Vegeta's ear.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, "I'm sorry... Oh, gods, Vegeta, I'm so sorry..."

How could I have been about to kill him just now? What was I thinking? Just knowing that it would have been very possible for him to die moments ago was enough for me to realize that I couldn't live without him.

Vegeta swallowed and spoke in a thin, wavering voice, "Y-you're just… saying that… because… of th-the mark.."

Obviously he meant the bite mark I'd left on his shoulder a seeming eternity ago. The mark that bonded him to me, so that I could feel every one of his emotions and thoughts.

But I couldn't feel any of that now. I racked my memory sluggishly, and remembered glimpsing a similar but somehow very different mark on Gohan's shoulder before I knocked him unconscious. Vegeta must have bitten him and then...

I shook my head hastily, realizing what the prince was thinking. He thought I only cared what happened to him because of some teeth marks on his shoulder? There was so much more to it than that; and complicated as it was, I was glad it was not some simple primal thing, somehow.

His scent soothed me, and I didn't move from that close proximity as I spoke again, my own voice was slightly unsteady with lingering tears;"The bond... was severed… when you bit my son,"

Vegeta was silent a moment and then asked softly, "Kakarot, why are you in Hell too?"

I sat back, startled.

"In Hell? What are you talking about?"

"I died, didn't I?" he asked perplexedly.

He seemed so certain...

"N-no, no. Of course not." I protested, putting conviction into the words to convince myself that I wouldn't have done that. I wouldn't have gone that far... I couldn't quite be convinced.

"Then...why aren't you still trying to strangle me?" he stammered.

I winced, an image of the prince's terrified, pleading face flashing behind my eyelids.

""I… I realized I could have killed you..."

Vegeta looked unsure, "But you...said such terrible things..."

"I know, I'm sorry..." I said defeatedly, knowing it was a long shot to hope he'd understand how horrible I felt for what I'd done, "I...I'm sorry for doing that to you. I just... I didn't..."

Language failed me. There weren't words enough to express the depth of apology the prince deserved from me...

Vegeta sat up slowly, as if the effort were difficult, "What are you trying to say?"

I took a deep breath, "I... I love you, Vegeta."

I'd said it once before, but at the time it had been mixed with a significant amount of resentment and hatred... now all that remained was the sweeter emotion, though I wasn't sure where the others had gone, or when.

Vegeta looked taken aback, but he regained his composure quickly, "You've already said that," he reminded me flatly. As if I hadn't just been thinking the same thing.

The monster was silent, almost as if it were holding its breath.

I sighed, "I know," I said, opening myself up to a new kind of hurt if the prince didn't listen to me. "I was… I was afraid…. of feeling this way…. I… I didn't want to mess up. I didn't want to let you down… and I was afraid of myself. I didn't know what I was feeling and it scared me senseless…."

Admitting fear; it wasn't something I was used to doing. But a lot of my actions of late had been driven by fear, and it was time the prince knew the truth that I think he had already guessed about me. He needed to hear it from my lips.

Something akin to distrust set into his eyes, "How do I know… if I can believe you, Kakarot?"

I fell silent; there was nothing to say. He knew how easy it was for me to lie these days, and though he knew the truth as well as I did, he was perhaps – like me – afraid to put too much trust into it right now. Betrayal. It had affected us both.

"How do I know you won't just run off again when things get tough?" Vegeta continued boldly, "How do I know I can rely on you?"

Again, for the moment, all verbal responses seemed inadequate. Uncertain, not having the guidance of the monster or the protective instincts that came with the mating bond that was now severed, I drew the prince to me and held him close, a gentle embrace. I could feel his steady heartbeat next to my own, his comforting scent wrapping around me like a blanket.

"As long as it takes," I said slowly, the words not a statement, but a vow, "...as many times as you or I fail alone or together, I swear to the gods I'll be there for you."

I had already said that I would stay with him until the pregnancy ended, but I had broken that promise too many times, and it had been promised in the first place for the wrong reason.

"Not because I have to," I went on carefully, "but because I want to… I need to. I need you, Vegeta. And I want you to need me."

Vegeta looked up at me, something like wonder on his face; and if I could have made the words more true by repeating them, I would have right then.

I cupped the prince's face in my hands gradually and brought his lips to meet mine. It was a soft, brief kiss, but I wouldn't have traded it for all the stolen, passionate ones in the world. I was certain. I loved Vegeta, and I was never going to let him go again.

He broke away after a long moment, "I trust you, Kakarot."

For a record third time, I was lost for words. I had given the prince no trust, and no reason to give what I hadn't in return, but despite that...

I didn't think, I simply hugged him to my chest sincerely; a small, but genuine smile – one of the first in months – finding its way to my lips. I rested the prince's head on my shoulder, purring softly to tell him that I understood.

I felt Vegeta's warm energy next to me, I felt his presence surrounding me and filling a few of the agonizing holes that had been left in my soul since the mark was disengaged. I wanted him to be mine again... I wanted him to belong to me once again.

But for the first time... I wanted to belong to him as well.

TBC