Reflection Essay
Chapter Five | Overture
Quistis liked her second floor classroom. It looked a little different now; new flooring had been installed, the walls given a fresh coat of paint, and she even had one of those swishy ergonomic chairs in front of the state-of-the-art smartboard.
She had to admit, it was nice to be back in an instructor role after several months of being out on the field, constantly on the brink of death and destruction, wondering if they were going to make it out alive.
Even if today she was delivering one of the most boring presentations: fire safety.
It was Squall who had asked Quistis to do it. Recent months of peace and restoration had brought an upsurge in work health safety standards and procedures, and students, staff and SeeDs alike found themselves with a long list of e-training modules they had to complete on topics such as cyber safety, code of conduct and even anaphylaxis training.
Squall had known none of them would actually do it, so he'd asked Quistis (the only one who would) to deliver the training in person to cover his ass. He'd ordered all of them to go - Selphie, Irvine, Zell, Rinoa, Seifer. She internally chuckled at the thought. This kind of admin was a nightmare for Squall. He hated it.
Still, it was far better to be concerned about making sure everyone was on top of procedure and protocol rather than concerned if they were going to survive the next battle.
And so that was how Quistis found herself standing in front of the board, delivering the dullest content she'd ever found herself presenting.
Rinoa sat up at the front with the courtesy to look engaged and interested; Selphie was slumped up on her desk, one side of her face resting on her arm as she gazed dully up at Quistis. Zell sat in the middle, legs and feet jittery on the floor, arms crossed firmly as he listened. Both Irvine and Seifer were lounged up at the back; Irvine's legs were straight in front of him, ankles crossed, cowboy hat twirling in his hands. Seifer sat as he always had; - it was remarkable how nothing seemed to have changed with his demeanour, and yet so much had - legs apart, both elbows sprawled out and resting on the back of the seat.
One year. It had been over a year since Time Compression, and almost the same amount of time since Seifer had been brought back to Garden. Slightly forcefully. At the request of Cid and Edea, and also Squall.
Some had been surprised by this, but Quistis had not. Whatever rivalry there was between Seifer and Squall was clearly one-sided. Squall just did not care enough to respond. In fact, she was sure he would've been completely oblivious to the entire thing had it not been for this destined mission that was thrust upon him and he was forced to go head-to-head with Seifer.
No, Quistis knew that both boys - men - had a high level of respect for each other, no matter how begrudging it was. For Seifer, enough to even regard Squall as a rival in the first place. For Squall, enough to be quietly disappointed at the fallout he watched the sorceress' knight go through, and then concerned enough to find him afterwards and bring him back.
People were surprised to see Seifer return to Garden, but once again, Quistis was not. She had a feeling he'd come back - maybe this was earlier than he'd been planning, but she knew, eventually, Seifer Almasy would return to Balamb Garden. Quistis was loathe to admit it, but she couldn't picture Garden without him. There was an odd sense of loss walking around the place knowing he wasn't around, followed by his faithful posse.
And now they were all here, back together again at Garden.
Learning about fire safety.
Quistis was nearing the end of the presentation where they would all need to log onto their own study panels and complete a multiple choice quiz. All of a sudden Selphie perked up, showing a sign of life for the first time.
"Heeeeey," she said in a hushed voice, inhaling deeply. "Do you guys smell that?"
Everyone else sat up straighter in response to this, sniffing the air. Zell was the first to react.
"It's smoke!" he declared in shock, jumping to his feet.
"Right now?" exclaimed Rinoa.
"You're kidding. This is a set up," said Irvine in his languid voice, all the same standing up as well.
"Touch the door."
"It's hot!"
And so followed a panicked blend of voices as they all spoke over one another.
"Oh my gosh, there's actually a fire? Here? NOW?"
"What do we do?"
"What did we just learn?"
"Get down low and go, go, go!"
"Go where, exactly?"
"What about Angelo? What about Squall? What if the whole Garden's on fire?"
"S'alright, you can replace those things."
"Sefie - use slot and cast some Water!"
"How? There's no fire in here."
"Can't you just get us wet and that'll keep us safe?"
"Don't most people die from smoke inhalation rather than being burnt - "
"This can't be real," said Seifer flatly. "You're way too calm, Instructor. It's a set up."
Quistis just shrugged. "Either way, we're trapped."
"Yeah, but there's no real danger. So we can just sit here."
"I ain't sitting around!" protested Zell, shaking his head vigorously. "Dude, there's smoke out there!"
"The windows."
"Yo, that's it! Break the windows!"
"Hold up, Zell. We can always just unlatch them," said Irvine reasonably.
"And what exactly are we gonna do? Jump out and get cut up by the rings?" said Seifer scathingly.
"Aren't we floating near FH?" Selphie was practically bouncing up and down in her boots, "We can jump and swim over!"
"You're friggin' nuts."
They all rushed over to the windows to check. "Nope, I ain't jumping."
"What are we supposed to do?"
"QUISTY, HELP US!"
"Well, if no exits are available you're supposed to lie down low, seal all the cracks, open any windows and signal for help. Then wait for help to arrive…"
"Aw, hell no! I'm busting down that door."
"Yeah, go for it, Chicken-wuss."
"Wait, what - ?"
"Outta the way, Quisty!"
"Wait, Zell, let's just think about our other options," Quistis attempted to say in a rational, calm voice, while one-handedly trying to type a message to Squall with her phone. Frantically. Abort. Now.
She watched in trepidation as they all grouped behind Zell and he geared up to kick the door. Even Seifer joined them at the back, still dubious but obviously not about to risk being left behind.
Fortunately right before Zell was about to land a well-placed Mach Kick, the classroom door slid open with its usual smooth vsshp. They all yelled in surprise and Quistis had to stifle back a laugh at their genuine shock. It was momentary, though, as a split second later they were trying to squeeze through the door at the same time, Zell and Irvine yelping as their shoulders got caught on the frame.
So that was how a few messy, spluttering seconds later, the group all cascaded out into the corridor to behold Squall Leonhart standing there. The hallway was smoky indeed, but not as much as they'd expected.
And they definitely weren't expecting to see Squall.
"Squall! You're okay!" Rinoa rejoiced, muffled as she was with both hands clapped over her nose and mouth.
"…" The commander surveyed them all with a critical and unimpressed eye, arms crossed.
"Where's the fire?" gasped out Selphie.
For answer Squall merely pointed down the hallway where a machine was billowing out grey smoke.
"…I knew it was a set up," grumbled Seifer, straightening up and smoothing down his grey coat he'd pulled up to cover his face.
"You guys," said Squall resignedly, now holding one hand on his forehead, "are meant to be the best SeeDs out there. That," he flicked his head back into the classroom where they'd all just exited, "was embarrassing."
"You were watching us?" demanded Irvine.
"There's CCTV running all the time."
"You were checking up on us, Squall? Don't you trust us?" Selphie's eyes were wide and reproachful.
He shot them a look as if he shouldn't have expected any better. "I had a feeling you guys wouldn't listen. And if you can't handle a fire evacuation, how are any of the students going to make it out?"
"Yo, I thought we did a pretty good job - " started Zell contritely.
"You're thinking too much about this," Rinoa soothed, "People spring into action when the time comes. Yes, we should definitely practise these and do the online modules - " she made a face at this, but continued on, "But it always works out. Remember the faction fight between NORG and the Headmaster? The missiles, the battle with Galbadia Garden?"
Nobody else but Quistis noticed the way Seifer tensed just that tiny bit at Rinoa's words. He averted his eyes to the side as he always did when the war was brought up, no matter how casually.
"Yes, well, I think they did well enough, Squall," Quistis said in a swift tone that closed the matter. She reached out a hand to press the panel to close the classroom door. "I'd pass them all." They made noises of relief at that. "I'm going to the cafeteria to get a drink. Do you want to come, Seifer?"
He looked at her, surprised, but nodded.
"Sure."
No one else batted an eyelid as they fell into step together (except Rinoa who always watched the two of them with a knowing glimmer in her eyes). It was just normal, accepted, that Quistis and Seifer hung out more with each other than anyone else in the group.
"So how was that presentation?" she asked some twenty minutes later when they'd both gotten their drinks of choice (unsweetened iced tea for her, a ginger beer for him) and were leaving the cafeteria.
Seifer took a swig from his bottle. "Mm. I'd give it a B-plus for excitement. It was more interesting than your usual lectures."
He snickered when she cast him a dark look.
"You know I always like the practicals, Instructor."
"It did kind of impress me how well you always did despite the fact that you never listened," she admitted.
Seifer grinned, "I listen to everything you say, Instructor."
She paused mid-step, making him stop and turn around to look back at her. I listen to everything you say, Instructor. The words struck her as… familiar.
"What?" he said.
Quistis had a strange look on her face as she gazed back at him, a faint crease in between her brows. "I... had a bit of deja vu just then."
Something shifted in his emerald eyes but Seifer just said with a snort, "No kidding. That entire thing, in the same classroom, was deja vu."
Still Quistis remained standing there, her mind working in a way she'd come to associate with her dredging up memories that were all there, just buried beneath the surface. Surprisingly it was Seifer who helped her recall many moments from her past.
This was no exception.
"…The Granaldo," she breathed out, comprehension dawning on her. "I'd forgotten about that."
Seifer's eyes glinted as he walked back towards her and gave her a tug to make her keep walking.
"Another one to the list, eh? I'm winning by a mile."
"Hey, I was the one who remembered baking cookies with Matron on rainy days," she said a touch defiantly, although she was smiling.
"And I remembered putting a frog into Chicken-wuss' bed. Gotta admit, my memories around him are sharp and clear."
Quistis chuckled at the image of a five-year-old Zell screaming and bawling. "That was mean. I was so mad at you for doing that. He wanted to sleep in my bed for the next two weeks."
"Yeah, that kinda backfired on me…"
"What do you mean?" she asked, looking at him curiously.
"Don't worry."
"We did all get along sometimes, though, didn't we?" Quistis mused, almost as if seeking reassurance. "We cared about each other. We were each other's family."
Seifer shrugged, "I guess."
She looked at him, both reproachful and amused. "I think you're more fond of Zell than you realise, Seifer."
He snorted, "I doubt it. And if there's anyone I was fond of, it sure as hell wasn't Chicken-wuss."
"Then who? Sis?"
"Sis? Yeah, she was cool."
"Everyone loved Sis. I admired her so much. And Matron. Maybe that's why I tried so hard to be big for everyone."
"You mean bossy?" He snickered when she shot him another withering look.
"I kinda liked that you were bossy. Kept me on my toes."
"I'd like to think of myself as organised and able to help others be organised too," said Quistis delicately.
"Yeah, well, Miss Organised - did you forget something?" Seifer said mockingly, taking out a blue manilla folder from under his arm and waving it in front of her.
She blinked, reaching out to grab it. "I - have you been carrying that the whole time?"
"Yep."
"I - I left it there on purpose…"
"Liar. You mark on Tuesday nights."
Quistis was stunned at how he knew that piece of information. Then again, they'd spent quite a bit of time around each other these days and she was such a creature of routine and habit that it made sense he'd picked up on these by now.
Seifer, on the other hand, seemed to do something different every evening. He never seemed to have a plan. He just went with it.
He was always around when she wanted to see him, though.
Her eyes lingered on the black book that was folded under the crook of his arm. He always had it whenever there was a class or meeting involved.
"What do you keep in there?"
"Just a notebook. Random things. Everything. Didn't write anything from today's fire presentation though," he quipped with another smirk.
"Well… thank you," Quistis said with a smile, holding up the blue folder, and in that moment she felt like she was saying it for a lot of things, things that she never would have thought possible a year ago.Thank you for spending time with me. Thank you for always being around. Thank you for listening to me and talking to me.
He must have understood because a genuine grin tugged the corner of his mouth.
"Still mad at me for putting a frog in Chicken-wuss' bed?"
She had to laugh. "You're forgiven, Seifer."
Something tightened in his face, so slight it was easy to miss. But just as Quistis knew how to spot his discomfort when the sorceress war was mentioned, she noticed the subtle change. They'd both come to a stop outside the dormitory wing, and somehow Seifer was standing right in front of her.
"What is it?" she asked, tilting her head to one side.
The way he was looking at her was disarming. And making the breath whoosh out of her lungs.
It was a moment before Seifer spoke.
"It's just… you can forgive me for doing that. Are there other things you can forgive too?" His voice was low and quiet. Eyes never leaving hers. No trace of mirth in his expression. Just him, and an earnest question.
Quistis found herself speechless. "What?"
And then Seifer looked away, a small grin appearing as he waved his hand as if to dismiss the matter.
"Nothin'," he said easily, "See you around, Instructor."
Quistis watched him go reluctantly, her heart still pounding in her ears. She had half a mind to call him back - an inclination that had been arising lately in her interactions with him. Sometimes, like just now, Seifer would say something - and either his words or the way he said it or both made Quistis both insanely curious and terrified to find out more. She always wanted to ask more, dig deeper, demand him to clarify, but she was also scared to. Always too scared.
So she never did ask.
And this was one of those moments.
Also one of those moments her stomach was all in a twist and butterflies danced in her chest.
It had been happening more often as of late. That odd tingling sensation whenever Seifer was around. Which was actually quite a lot - she wasn't sure when it had happened, but he was now the one she saw and spoke to the most out of the group.
The fluttery feeling. It flared up at random moments. When he flashed a smirk at her, just her, sharing a private joke that was between them; or when he threw back his head and laughed uproariously at something Raijin or Irvine was saying, and Quistis found herself staring at him with an unconscious smile of her own. When he automatically grabbed a tray for her as well at the cafeteria. When he assured her she was being "crazy like a woman" when she was brave enough to voice any anxieties or insecurities.
The quieter moments too. His arm brushing against hers as they walked beside each other. Catching each other's eye at something funny that only they had noticed about the gang (usually at Zell's expense). Every time he brought up a recollection from their past, whether it was when they were kids at the stone house or cadets in training or more recently as her student. That one time he'd stood behind her and reached over to show how to hold his gunblade in his signature style.
Quistis shivered at the memory. Seifer was impossible to ignore normally, but she had been very conscious of his body behind her, his firm hands over her own, his voice low right beside her ear.
"You're pretty friggin' rigid, Instructor," he'd breathed out.
"What?" She'd tried to sound sharp and candid but her voice was a little too high and unsteady.
She couldn't practically hear him grin which brought her back to her senses a little. "Relax. Now you've just gotta turn your right hand to the side."
"I think I've got it," Quistis had replied firmly, and she let out a tiny breath when he released her hand and stepped away from her.
She'd been revisiting that moment a bit too much recently. It alarmed her that she hadn't minded Seifer's closeness. At all. In fact, she'd immediately missed his warmth as soon as he'd stepped away, and found herself wanting to press up against him again -
No thank you, brain, we are going to stop there.
Quistis directed her thoughts to a more sensible line of thinking. She forced herself to walk, as if putting her body to action would snap her back to sensibility.
Seifer was her friend now. Their friend. Uncanny as it was. She enjoyed his company, enjoyed their banter and conversations, and sometimes even enjoyed those smarmy remarks that was once cause for much irritation. Quistis was protective of all of the orphanage gang, but perhaps it was because Seifer was still considered a black sheep at Garden, she felt particularly more protective of him.
And that was it and that was all, and so what if he was charming and handsome? (That wasn't news to anyone, least of all Quistis).
And so what if he randomly said things and smiled in a way that made her heart flutter? (That was still new to Quistis, and rather unsettling).
And so nothing, she told herself firmly. Seifer was just being Seifer. Quistis supposed she was just grateful he was back with them all, in his right mind, where he belonged, and no longer trying to run at them with Hyperion.
Satisfied with this conclusion, Quistis reached her dormitory and immediately changed out of her uniform into some comfortable leggings and jumper. She took her time making a mug of tea before settling down on her cosy couch, putting on some soft music. She pulled her folder of tests into her lap, clicking her pen as she slid out the pile of papers.
Reflection Essay by Seifer Almasy
Quistis did a double take. What? She flipped through the rest of the sheets, wondering if he'd given her the wrong thing. But the rest were her class' test papers, exactly what she needed to grade.
What is this? Did he put it in here by accident?
Mystified, she began to read his scrawl, which was surprisingly neat. Quistis wasn't sure if the GFs had dulled her memory of his handwriting, or if it was because he never had turned in his homework for her to notice.
Reflection Essay by Seifer Almasy
I know. Tardy. Better late than never.
Reflecting on my actions? Damn. Where do I start.
I made a poor choice. That doesn't even begin to cover it. I make choices everyday and these choices have consequences. Poor choices have bad consequences, and it's something I have to live with every damn day.
Not like I give a damn about my 'bad reputation'.
I thought I was grown up. I wanted to grow up. I didn't want to be a boy anymore.
Be part of a great cause. Do something big. Something great. Something grander and nobler than any SeeD had ever done or could ever do.
You asked if I had a dream. I had one. I had one dream since I was a kid. I wanted to serve and protect, I was gonna be the hero. Knight against the evil mercenaries. Me against the world. Doesn't get more romantic than that.
Turns out I only grew up when I gave up that dream.
Just asking here. But can I even ask for forgiveness for being on the wrong side of a war? I'm not really after an answer. But circle one.
Yeah you can ask. No way in hell.
So here I am. Back in Garden. When I was supposed to be saying screw you to institutions and order and authority, I'm back here again. Writing this damn thing.
Nothing changes quickly. But it's been almost two years, Trepe, and we're both SeeDs now. Equals. Like we were at the orphanage. When we were cadets. I liked those times.
And now… now it's not too bad either. A hell of a lot better than where I was a year ago. But I think it could better.
I know I don't really deserve to.
But just asking. Would you go to dinner with me on Friday?
Circle one.
Yes. Hell yes.
Seifer.
…Also, 700 words? Screw that.
"Oh," Quistis said softly, pressing a hand on her heart which was pounding quickly.
She blinked, that tingly, fluttery sensation welling up inside again as she reached the end of the essay. A smile caught her lips as she read it again a second time, then a third time. Several emotions flared within her. Sadness at the obvious guilt. A wrench in her heart at his question for forgiveness. Nostalgia, and an overwhelming sense of loss as she suddenly remembered what this was, and what it was in response to.
She always felt like this when Seifer brought up yet another memory. How did he remember all this, and she didn't? It didn't seem fair. Not to him.
Quistis hated that she couldn't remember.
And perhaps the strongest feeling of all, something scary and exciting and exhilarating all at the same time. Something she'd been feeling often in his company.
A memory swam into her mind, a conversation from long ago. Perhaps brought on by Seifer's essay.
"Yeah. Maybe. Maybe one day we'll be equals again."
"…Would it be any different?"
"Guess we'll just have to see."
She wanted to know. She wanted to find out. Oh, she dearly wanted to see.
With a sure smile, Quistis picked up her pen and circled her answer.
Notes: Fire safety inspired by that episode in The Office of course. :) Thank you for reading this short little story, we all love us some Seiftis.