Chapter 15 - Withdraw

I didn't know how I got into my bed, I only knew I didn't want to move from it. My face was stuck to my sheets from the tears that had fallen all night and I pulled myself upwards to stare bleary-eyed around my room. I was still dressed in my clothes from the night before, even down to my shoes, and the things I'd knocked off my desk and shelves from stumbling to my bed were still strewn across the floor. Oh hell.

It was funny how I'd thought coming to Dalton would solve all my problems. McKinley had been the unsafe ground, tainted by the leering figure of Karofsky behind every corner, waiting to slam me into a locker. I'd thought Dalton would be a safe haven free of any pain and suffering where I could finally be myself. Well compared to this, the bruises on my elbows would have been like kisses from angels.

How could Blaine do this to me? How could he have been so cruel? I'd never even thought it was possible for him to be unkind to anyone, although if everything had been an act then there were probably hundreds of things I didn't know about him. The realisation that everything had been a lie – the meaningful chats over coffee, the way he had driven miles to stand up for me, the loving looks and embraces we'd shared, even the new room I was now dying in – it was too much to handle. I didn't think it was possible for a heart to break multiple times, but it had.

Just as I hauled myself fully upright to check the time the door shook from heavy knocking once again and I groaned. Gabriel wouldn't go away. He'd been trying to get in all morning but I wasn't responding. Lady Gaga herself could request a private meeting with me right now and I wouldn't unlock the door. I didn't want anyone to see me like this. Wiping my eyes furiously to get rid of the blurry film I glanced over at my clock and saw it was nearly noon. Jeez, how had I slept that long? I suppose I'd actually spent most of the night crying, sobbing until I felt like every bit of fluid in my body had been drained, so had probably only managed to drift off in the early hours of the morning. It was funny how other things ran out eventually, but tears always seemed in constant supply.

"Kurt? Let me in!" Please. Go away. Facing Gabriel was the least of my problems right now. I guessed everybody in Wilde would have heard our argument, and my next-door neighbours would definitely have experienced the pain fest afterwards. Taking one step out of my room just wasn't an option right now.

Suddenly I heard footsteps approaching from the left and another voice outside my door.

"Gabriel, what's going on? Students are complaining about the noise." Nathaniel sounded tired – maybe he'd been kept up too.

"Kurt won't open his door – him and Blaine had an argument and now he's not responding to anything." There was a brief silence as Nathaniel did something that I couldn't hear. All of a sudden a loud sound emanated from my bedside table and I looked over to see my phone vibrating, the name Nathaniel flashing up on the screen. I ignored it and let it go to voicemail, new shudders of pain running through me as I remembered that Blaine had been sitting by me when I'd recorded the message, trying to put me off. Nathaniel didn't bother to leave anything and I saw the missed call total flash up to seven, adding to the ones Gabriel had sent me.

"Well he's either asleep or ignoring us, do you know what happened?"

"Him and I went out last night and Blaine wasn't very happy about it. I think he told Kurt about how he's been using him for fun." Wait – so Gabriel knew? Why hadn't he told me? Did he realise this was going to happen? Oh hell, I couldn't trust anyone anymore. I didn't even know if Artem liked me, if he was actually fluent in English and had just been messing with me the whole time.

"Wait, what are you talking about?" Nathaniel seemed puzzled and for a second my spirits rose slightly.

"Blaine said he never liked Kurt, that it was all a game. Then Kurt told him to get out." A deep sigh rang out the other side of the door and I buried my head in my pillow again, the cotton texture rubbing against my raw face.

"I know what might help. Stay here and call me if anything happens." The footsteps died away and I heard Gabriel knock at my door again, this time more feebly.

"Come on Kurt, we have to talk about this. And I'm here for you. I miss you…" Prada help me.

It was a good ten minutes before Nathaniel returned, but when he did I knew exactly what his plan was.

"Kurt?" The voice was unmistakeable and for once I immediately responded, sitting bolt upright on the bed.

"Kurt buddy are you awake?" Scott didn't bother to knock on the door, just rested on it and spoke directly into the wood. My brain immediately began warring with itself – I wanted desperately to let him in but knew if I opened the door I would have to deal with Gabriel and everything else. As the three boys outside talked to each other I pondered for a while, before suddenly inspiration hit me. Grabbing hold of my phone I somehow managed to jab out a message and sent it to him, hoping to Louis Vuitton that he had his with him. Outside the sound of a phone buzzing rang out. Scott stood away from the door and fumbled around to retrieve it.

"It's from Kurt." Instantly everyone else moved forward. "He says he wants to let me in but nobody else can come." An annoyed squeak rang out that I assumed was from Gabriel, but surprisingly he didn't put up much of a fight.

"Ok Kurt." Scott said, back against the door. "Only Nathaniel and Gabriel are here and they've moved away. I promise. You can open the door." Slowly I pushed myself up onto to my feet, letting out a soft cry when I realised I could barely stand. Stumbling over to the door I leant against it for a couple of seconds, taking deep breaths to try and gather myself. Scott could hear me.

"It's ok. I'm here. Let me in…" After one final breath I turned the lock and slowly opened the door so the light from the corridor spilled in. I stopped when there was just enough of a gap for Scott to slip in and he did so quickly, helping me push the door shut behind him. For a second he just started at me, before his expression crumpled.

"Oh God, Kurt." He reached forward towards me and suddenly my floodgates opened again. Tears streamed down my face as I wrapped my arms round him and buried my face in his shoulder, guttural sobs spilling out of my mouth unevenly so my whole body shook and convulsed.

"Kurt, Kurt, sssh…" Scott rocked me backwards and forwards and I cried harder, wanting to get it all out.

We stood there for a good minute or so, not really saying anything other than the same few phrases over and over again. When I finally felt too exhausted to cry anymore I simply pulled myself in closer, holding on tightly so one of Scott's hands reached up to gently stroke my hair.

"Sssh, its ok, sssh…" The movement calmed me slightly and I felt myself relax, but I still wouldn't let go of him.

"Let's sit down." Gradually, I allowed him to push us across the room, stepping over all the debris until we both sat down on the bed. Scott rested back against the headboard and I immediately went to curl up next to him, but he pushed me so we faced each other.

"What are you doing Kurt?" It wasn't the response I'd been expecting. My eyes stared blankly back.

"This isn't the Kurt I know. The Kurt I know is strong." I felt a hand rubbing on my shoulder but still didn't know how to respond.

"What happened?" Now I knew I had to speak. I made an attempt to move my lips but all that came out was a mumble. The last words I'd spoken had been my cries to Blaine as he'd left.

"Come on, you can talk to me."

"Blaine doesn't want me." It sounded pathetic, but I was also making a real effort not to break down again. Scott sighed.

"Well we know that's not true."

"He said, he said…" I went to speak again but had to fight to bring up the courage. "!" In a rush the words tumbled out of my mouth and I buried my head into Scott again, sobbing dryly.

"What?" Once again I was pulled up again to face him.

"He's been messing with me this whole time! He never had any feelings for me he just wanted to screw me around! He doesn't even like me!" I could feel tears brimming in my eyes again (how on earth was that still possible?) but Scott stopped me. His expression now looked annoyed.

"Well that's the biggest piece of bullcrap I've ever heard. Blaine is crazy about you." Such a phrase would normally have made my heart leap, but now it only stuck the knife in deeper. Even he was fooled.

"You didn't see him. He was so angry. And so mean…"

"Is this about what happened on Thursday?" I grit my teeth, knowing I was going to have to come clean.

"On Thursday, we had a fight. Blaine said he wasn't ready to be with me and I got pissed. Then I went out with Gabriel and-"

"-WHAT?" I'd tried to gloss over it, but to no avail. Scott looked completely dumbstruck. "You went out with Gabriel?" Great.

"Yeah. It was a silly idea I know, but I was upset. Anyway, Blaine came to apologise just as we got back and he saw us kissing," I tactfully ignored the choking noise that spilled from my best friend's mouth "so he was really pissed. But I said he couldn't have it both ways, rejecting me but then wanting me again, and then…" I couldn't say any more. Scott managed to get over his reaction to Gabriel and I and sighed, leaning back and putting his hands behind his head.

"Oh man. We are in some doo-doo. But what were you thinking with-?"

"-Don't." This was why I hadn't told him. Scott always seemed to be right in these kind of situations and it annoyed me. Bringing my legs up towards my chest I moved so I was sitting next to him. I didn't feel like dying anymore, but I was still exhausted and my face burned with the rawness.

"I don't know what to do. I've screwed up everything."

"Not everything. You haven't broken any bones, which is probably what I would have done." A small laugh escaped from my lips. How was I laughing? "But you cannot sit in here and mope all day." Now my expression fell again, my head flashing to the side.

"No! You can't make me go out there! Gabriel…"

"Is probably listening in right now. Don't you think he deserves an explanation? I know he's a weirdo, but still." Gaga. He was right again.

"Just let me get myself cleaned up." I got to my feet to walk to the mirror and tweak my hair, but let out a cry of anguish before I'd done anything. I looked TERRIBLE. My face was like a tomato, the areas around my eyes puffed and sore and there were tearstains everywhere. My hair was matted together and my lips were cracked and dry. It was my worst nightmare.

"Holy Marc Jacobs I cannot go out like this!" Turning back around to Scott I pointed madly at my face and saw he understood. "Please give me some time to sort myself out – we can watch the football or something." Now that was an offer he would find hard to refuse. I saw my friend's face ponder the suggestion warily, before finally nodding in approval and getting up to bring my laptop over to the bed. Phew.

Grabbing some face wipes I sat back down on the bed as Scott surfed the web for his football site, but suddenly another wave of tiredness swept over me and I yawned.

"Hand over your mouth." He said with a smile, but I saw his eyebrows furrow with worry again.

"I'm so tired." I replied, my voice becoming slow and laboured. Without even realising I lay down so my head was resting on Scott's stomach, and as he stroked the hair out of my eyes again I felt myself slowly drifting off to sleep.