Early chapter for you all! Well aint I nice :D
Chapter 17 - Dance
Thursday morning did not start well.
Stepping into the shower I could already feel the pent up anger and frustration building up inside of me, drowned out momentarily by the sound of the power turning on and the water gushing down onto my head. I'd somehow managed to get through the past couple of days without completely breaking down, and had only two more to battle until the winter holidays - but today was the day of the Dalton ball. Not only would I have to cope with seeing Blaine all day, I would also have to hide my emotions in front of a crowd of several hundreds. I was upset about how much this was affecting me, how little it seemed to be hurting Blaine. If he was able to turn his feelings off so easily then maybe it had all been a game.
The water wasn't hot enough. I turned the temperature handle to the left, feeling the temperature heat up, but not to my satisfaction. I turned it some more, steam spilling out into the enclosed space. Still not hot enough. Pushing the handle right to the end I sighed, before the temperature suddenly turned to scalding and I jumped back with a shout. Great. Already nothing was going right.
"Hey? Are you alright?" Ignoring the concerned shout of another Wildeian, I turned the handle marginally and stepped back into the flow, not really caring that it was turning my skin bright pink. If I suffered severe burns I definitely wouldn't be able to dance – I could sit alone all day and be cared for by some nice nurse. But not going would be even worse than suffering through it. If I hid then Blaine really had won.
"Oh Blaine." Suddenly out of nowhere I felt tears falling from my face again, mingling with the shower water and feeling icy in comparison. Surely I couldn't keep doing this? Surely I'd run out of tears to cry? I hit my hands against the sides of the cubicle, trying to knock some sense into myself, but it only made me hurt more. Pull yourself together Hummel…
The sound of the timer signalling the end of my five minutes rang out, but I wasn't ready to leave. I was going to stay in here all day – maybe open my mouth and let the water flow in until it filled me up completely, curl up in the corner and cry myself to sleep…
"Hey, your time's up." A voice sounded from outside my cubicle and without thinking I lashed out.
"I don't CARE about my freakin TIME!" Thrashing my hand violently backwards I smashed the timer off the wall and watched it crash to the floor, shattering into hundreds of pieces. The person outside the door went to speak again but I cut him off.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Immersing my head fully into the flow I let the sound of the rushing water fill my ears and closed my eyes, willing everything to stop.
There was nobody in the showers when I finally exited my cubicle, but I had no doubt somebody would be informed of my rule breaking. Realising I didn't have much time to get ready I ran to my room and shoved on my Dalton uniform, a process made slightly slower due to the sensitivity of my scalded skin.
When I reached the main hall preparations were already in full swing. The St Jades girls had arrived and everyone was prepping themselves and their uniforms. I cautiously stepped through the mêlée, not really sure where I was supposed to go, or if I wanted to go there, until I was suddenly grabbed by Steven.
"There you are! Everyone's been looking for you!" Yanking me off to another part of the hall I saw the other dancers that were taking part in the final waltz gathered in a corner, including Cynthia, whose face brightened as soon as she saw me.
"Oh Kurt! You're here!" Running over and enveloping me in a tight hug I felt the wind get knocked out of me and gasped out for more air. She didn't seem to notice however, and kept a firm hold of me, finally letting go after a minute or so.
"I thought you weren't coming, you certainly scared us all. Hey, are you hot?" For a second the sudden question surprised me, before I remembered that my skin was still showing my hot shower.
"You look really flushed. Or are you just happy to see me?" Cynthia smiled, flirtily running her hand down my chest and I groaned inwardly. Did she have the memory of a goldfish? Either that or she was choosing to conveniently ignore my sexuality. At this point though I would have given anything to be straight – as glancing over her shoulder at the other dancers brought me once again in the eye line of Blaine. Gaga he looked beautiful when he dressed up. I'd sometimes debated whether I preferred dapper smart Blaine or unruly casual Blaine, but had never managed to completely pick a favourite, always preferring the one I had seen last. This look was definitely picking up a few points for the former – it made my heart physically ache to think I could never look upon him in completely the same way ever again. As soon as our eyes met Blaine instantly looked away, turning to Xavier and mumbling something to him that I couldn't make out. So he was even friends with Xavier now – this really was a side I'd never seen before.
"Excellent. Now that everyone is here we can go through the briefing one final time." As Mr Cox went through the important things we would need to know for our big moment I felt myself drifting off, all his words merging into one long continuous sound. Maybe it was wrong for me to be taking this opportunity away from someone else, maybe I should withdraw. To do that now though would probably only create more questions and I wanted to draw as little attention to myself as possible. Well, less that I already had.
The dance started and I wasn't given any more time to sulk – thrown into a series of steps and twirls that I'm surprised I even remembered, let alone executed to an appropriate standard. Cynthia kept staring at me adoringly, especially during the more romantic dances and she reminded me of Gabriel. Thankfully I hadn't managed to spot him amongst the throngs of people, but I knew it would only be a matter of time before we would meet again. Despite this, it was, in fact, hard to focus on anyone but myself, which surprisingly I found rather nice and the hour whiled away far quicker than I would have liked.
It was only when the final waltz drew near that I began to feel sick again. Everyone cleared the floor and the other nine couples gathered near us, Xavier and Nathaniel leading the pack with an air of confidence that had everyone staring. The only person I could look at however was Blaine. Don't do it I said to my self over and over again, don't make it worse for yourself. But I couldn't not. I watched him dance around the room like an angel, the concentration on his face making him look strong and masterful. My focus on him was so fierce that I fumbled one of my steps, treading on Cynthia's toe, and she let out an indignant squeak, pulling me back towards her roughly.
"Kurt! You need to lead." She hissed. I could feel the despair welling up in me again. That dark skinned girl he was dancing with, Tamara or whatever her name was, she was a girl, and she was going to get closer to Blaine than I ever would. She was going to feel his hands round her waist and his breath on her face as they shared a magical moment together, lost in their own emotions. I was never going to get that – and the emotions I had experienced now felt cheap and fake since the truth had been revealed.
Finally the dance came to a close – to anyone else it had been a spectacular affair, with all the dancers joining in after we had set the ball rolling for a minute or so, the twinkling lights and moving music creating a magical finale. To me however, it had been a nightmare. As soon as we stopped I tried to get away, desperate to run back to my room and cry my feelings out again, but this time Cynthia wasn't going to let me go that easily.
"Kurt? Where are you going? You don't have Warbler practice, I know that." Jeez, why did they get clever at the worst possible points? "You have to come to the party!" Not even giving me time to respond she fastened her hand tightly around mine and dragged me off towards her friends, who were already discussing the after show gathering we were all heading to.
Wanting to put across a good impression – Darwin hosted the post-ball party. If I'd thought Nathaniel's organisational skills were good, it was nothing to what Xavier and his loyal band of snobs had put together. The common room was decked out like the hall had been, even with similar music – although this came from another ipod speaker instead of a live band. I wouldn't have been surprised if one of the Darwins had whipped out a violin and started playing along himself. There was what looked like champagne but was probably sparkling water floating around in tall glasses and Cynthia immediately zoned in on the trays of canapés, helping herself to rather more than was polite. My eyes scanned the room for a friendly face but I couldn't see any – most people were still queuing by the door. (The only reason I'd got in so quickly was because I was part of the final waltz group – everyone else had to be on a guest list. Yes, a guest list.) I hoped to death that Scott would get in because I didn't think I could cope with any more excitable girls without him. Cynthia's friends were very much like her, all obsessed with horses and boys. We couldn't even talk about fashion because most of the brands they wore I'd never heard of and of course, they were all convinced I wasn't gay.
Staring into space I realised I'd accidentally looked yet again in Blaine's direction. (I was beginning to curse my eyes for seeming to know where he was at all times. Or my brain – I couldn't be sure which was to blame.) His partner was still hanging around with him, but she was talking to Xavier, who had a smirk on his face the size of Texas. Now that Blaine and I were no longer friends, I really saw how old he was. Standing there with the other seniors, engaging in polite and probably very pretentious conversation, he looked at least four years older than me. Like an adult. I wondered if I'd been silly to even think a guy like him would want to be friends with me, let alone have romantic feelings. Older mature people knew how to play games, they knew how to control their feelings so they didn't get hurt. Young people didn't. Young people got their feelings trampled on because they hadn't learnt yet that generally things don't turn out like they do in the movies. In real life the Prince Charming usually turns out to be a complete asshole.
Maybe in ten years or so I'd look back on this point and laugh at how silly I'd been, how everything had seemed so dramatic and intense. But right now I was beginning to wish I was still in love with Finn.
"So Kurt, do you have a girlfriend?" I felt a sharp tug on my hand and was brought back to reality, the stare of a pretty girl with ringlets in her hair boring into me.
"Er, no." I replied, wondering how much sarcasm would be appropriate to put into my tone. "I'm gay."
"What?" Suddenly four flawless faces were facing my way.
"Didn't Cynthia tell you?" All the girls turned to look at my partner, who for once was not giving me an adoring stare.
"Um, I don't remember."
"Wait, so are you gay gay or just curious? Because I'd be happy to help you make your mind up…" I felt another hand snake up towards my chest and finally couldn't take it anymore.
"Look, girls. I'm sure you're all lovely people and will find your Prince Charming and live happily ever after. But I'm GAY and I'm leaving." Without saying another word I turned and walked away, heading for the exit that would take me away from Blaine and this farce of a party.
Throwing open the doors I marched into the corridor, surprised to see even that packed with people who hadn't been able to squeeze into the main room. I pushed through the crowds that thickened as you approached the door and eventually broke free into the cold evening air of outside. A long and loud exhale of air released itself from my mouth. I was about to stop and take a breather before I made my way back to Wilde, when I heard a shout behind me and turned round to feel my heart sink.
"Kurt! Wait!" Gabriel was running over, too quickly for me to try and get away without looking incredibly rude. He seemed to have lost his partner, and from the looks of it, had been following me through the crowds.
"Gabriel I-" I began to make my excuse, but he cut me off.
"-Are you ok? You look terrible." For once, he was probably right. I felt terrible. "Is it about Blaine? Because I saw him looking at us funny when we left." When we left. Man, I needed to tell him the truth.
"Gabriel you've got the wrong impre-"
"-Let's go back to mine, we can watch a movie like you and Scott did. I have pyjamas you can borrow-" I felt his hand take mine, fingers stroking my knuckles and my fists balled up in frustration.
"-GABRIEL YOU ARE NOT LISTENING!" The sudden outburst shocked him, his body jerked back in defence and immediately guilt rushed over me. But at least I had his attention.
"You asked me if it was Blaine that's made me upset – yes it is. Blaine has upset me, he's broken me. I don't think I can put myself back together for a while."
"Let me help you Kurt-
"-You can't help-"
"-Yes I can – I love you!"
"But I love Blaine!" I was surprised how Gabriel's declaration hadn't even registered. I watched his expression crumble, his hand dropping away from mine to hang limply by his side.
"I've always loved Blaine, even when he's said the most hurtful things and made me feel useless. I thought being with you would make things better, and for that I'm truly sorry, but it didn't. I will always love Blaine, and there's nothing anyone can ever do about it."
Silence settled over us. The sound of the party was faint, carried away by the winds that blew our clothes and hair about. I noticed a shadow outside Darwin that looked like a person, but it quickly disappeared into the gloom and I shook my head, thinking I must have imagined it. Glancing back at Gabriel I saw tears had begun to fall down his face – the realisation that I had now done to him what Blaine had done to me sending a stab of pain into my gut. I held out a comforting hand and to my surprise he took it, pulling it in close to press against his chest.
"I still love you Kurt." He mumbled in between tears. "Make sure you remember that." I opened my mouth to speak but like a flash he was gone, running away into the dark night. Standing on my own in the silence I pressed my fingers to my forehead and wondered how on earth things had turned out like this.