Rush Hour

Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon get stuck in rush hour traffic on their way to a meeting with the Council. This is one of the ORIGINAL Yappy Obi stories, before he came to be known as Yappy Obi.

Originally posted in 2008

Obi: Master, can't we just stop somewhere and grab a bite to eat. It won't take long. I am starving.

Qui: Obi-Wan, we cannot be late for this council meeting. And with this rush hour traffic, that may happen. There is no time for us to stop and eat.

Obi: But I'm hungry.

Qui: And this is my fault that you didn't want to eat my cooking last night?

Obi: No offense, Master, but you cannot cook.

Qui: At least I didn't feed you Master Yoda's mush. That is what I had to deal with when I was your age.

Obi: You were never my age. Why is there so much traffic now? The holiday is over, everything should be settling down.

Qui: I have no idea. But if this sorry excuse for a pilot doesn't get out of my way, I will not be held responsible for my actions. For Force sake! MOVE YOU MORON!

Obi: Master, you seem a bit tense. Don't you think that maybe I should pilot us for a while. I am much calmer in these circumstances.

Qui: Obi-Wan, please don't get me started. Just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Obi: Actually, you know if I could offer my… MASTER, LOOK OUT!

(They screeched to a halt)

Qui: Stupid fools! Does anyone know how to merge correctly on this planet? Come on people, everybody let somebody in… you know, this is not that difficult. See how I do it? I let this guy in front of me in, without trying to ram the back of him.

Obi: Very nice, Master.

Qui: Look at that… I let him merge in front of me and the guy doesn't even give a wave. I DIDN'T HAVE TO LET YOU IN. Jerk.

Obi: Master, how about right there…look! There's no line at McMoon's diner. Please can we stop? Please?

Qui: No, Padawan. Keep this up and you won't eat for a week. I am having enough problems dealing with these so called intelligent beings who are flying in front of me. WHAT ARE YOU SLAMMING ON YOUR BRAKES FOR? Just move forward… there we go. Okay, now we're moving.

Obi: Why are you yelling at them? You know they can't hear you. And does it really do any good?

Qui: Obi-Wan, shut up. Please.

Obi: Testy today. You should get in the left lane. That one seems to be moving better.

Qui: Yes, but this guy is not gonna let me in. Come on… just let me over…AH! Jerk!

Obi: Go ahead now, the next guy is gonna let you in.

Qui: Thank you sir! Okay… now we are in the fast lane. Let's make some progress. Um…buddy if you want to get over in front of me, a turn signal would be helpful. Cause I am not letting you in otherwise.

Obi: You should just let him in. He's forcing his way over… Master, back off a bit!

Qui: I have to wonder how these people got a license to pilot. It really is sad.

Obi: Please can we stop? I really am hungry. Listen? Hear that? That grrrr noise? My stomach. It needs food. Soon.

Qui: Obi-Wan, I have already told you. We are NOT stopping. It's bad enough I have to fight this sithly traffic. I don't need you whining about your stomach. Chew on your braid for a while.

Obi: I love you too, Master. Chew on my braid. This stupid braid. Makes my head look lopsided. Who's idea was this?

Qui: The padawan braid has been part of the Jedi culture for centuries, Obi-Wan. It is a symbol you should wear proudly. I still have mine.

Obi: Yeah, but you don't have to wear it. It just gets in the way. Masters like it because they can use it as a leash. Keep us in line. How primitive is that?

Qui: It is not a leash, nor is it primitive. It's a very important part of your life. NO! COME ON PEOPLE, JUST DRIVE! What… OH SITH! There's the problem. Yes, lets all stop and look as what's going on over there… yes, that's real important.

Obi: But, Master, looks like a nasty collision. Think we should help? Maybe they have food.

(Qui-Gon reached over and slapped Obi-Wan on the back of the head.)

Qui: Would you stop thinking with your stomach. We are going to be late and you know how I hate that.

Obi: We should have taken the back way.

Qui: There is no back way.

Obi: I know. But it sounded good. Look, the security-police got that guy who was tailgating you earlier. We should stare him down.

Qui: Serves him right. There is some justice in the world. OH SITH! What now?

Obi: That ship is taking a left hand turn up there.

Qui: A left hand turn? In this traffic? JUST GO STRAIGHT! DAMN! Get in left lane, Master, it'll be much faster if you get over there. Obi-Wan, that is the last time I ever listen to you. Ha… get in the left lane.

Obi: Are you mocking me? Yes, you are mocking me. I know why you are testy today.

Qui: Why?

Obi: Because you are hungry. You won't admit it, but you always get like this when you're hungry.

Qui: NO OBI-WAN! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! We are not stopping.

Obi: But… now… now… I have to go, Master. I really need to use the bathroom, and I am not saying that because I'm hungry.

Qui: You are how old now? Thirteen? Why do I feel like I have a five-year-old following me around today? You can hold it.

Obi: What if I can't?

Qui: You will.

Obi: I'm hungry, I have to use the bathroom and I am stuck in traffic with you. This is a good beginning to the day. I hope to spend many mornings like this one. Thank you.

(He began chewing on his braid.)

Qui: Careful with the braid, Obi-Wan. If you chew that one off, I can't get you another.

Obi: Good. One less thing I have to worry about. Hey, I can see the temple. We're getting close.

Qui: And we have ten minutes to get there. Let's go people. Time is money.

Obi: Time is money? What the hell does that mean?

Qui: It means, watch your mouth. And I have no idea what it means.

Obi: Why does money equal time? Doesn't money equal money?

(Qui-Gon reached over, grabbed the boy's braid and shoved in into his mouth.)

Qui: Shut up, Obi-Wan.

Obi: Are we there yet?

Qui: Shut up, Obi-Wan.

Obi: Shut up, Obi-Wan. Why do I feel like a pawn in this whole thing? Just use me up, spit me out. When you need help, who do you turn to? Yep… good ole Obi-Wan. When I need help, who do I turn to? Used to be you. But I don't know anymore. I do know this though... I HAVE TO PEE!

Qui: I wonder if I can sell you to Master Jayco. He seems to have hunger and bladder problems just like you do. You'd suit him well.

Obi: I bet he doesn't let his students suffer like this. WATCH OUT!

Qui: THAT'S IT! I have had it. Obi-Wan, take the damn controls. I need to be angry right now, and don't want to kill either of us during the process. And if you stop anywhere else but the temple, you will be eating your braid.

(Obi-Wan assumed command of the vessel.)

Obi: Finally you have come to your senses. Let the master pilot show you how to navigate this traffic.

Qui: Oh, yes. Please do, Master Kenobi.

Obi: You're just jealous. See, look at this… just go with the flow. Aren't we all happy little pilots now? Signal, merge and look… we are in the righthand lane. Force… I am so good.

Qui: Keep this up and your butt is going to be in the corner this evening meditating for five hours. I don't need a play by play of your trip to the temple. Drive, that's all I want you to do.

Obi: Almost there, Master. Can I run to the diner on floor seven before the meeting?

Qui: NO! We are already late.

Obi: Can I use the bathroom at least?

Qui: NO! We are already late.

Obi: You just said that. Who are you? I want Qui-Gon back. What did you do with him? Well, if I can't use the bathroom, I will not be held liable for my actions in that meeting. And it will all fall back on you.

Qui: Which means that it will fall back on you. From me, to you. Don't you just love me sometimes?

Obi: Sometimes, yes. Today? I want you to go away.

Qui: Sorry, Obi-Wan. No can do. There. Dock the ship there.

Obi: I can't fit into that spot. The guy is parked way over the line.

(Obi-Wan started driving around the docking lot.)

Qui: What are you doing? We don't need a tour of the lot. Find a spot and park.

Obi: Have to find a good spot.

Qui: You passed ten of them. PARK! NOW!

Obi: You need a valium. Or a brick to the head. You wait till I tell Master Bren about your behavior, she won't stand for this.

Qui: Obi-Wan, what does your astro-physics teacher have to do with anything?

Obi: She likes you.

Qui: Does not.

Obi: Does too.

Qui: Really?

Obi: Yep. Asked me if you were seeing anyone.

Qui: Hmmm… well. I may have to come see how your are doing in your astro class after all. Wait, a brick to the head?

Obi: Long story. Here we go. How's this spot?

Qui: Only took us an hour to park. Come on… let's hurry. No time to stop at the bathroom.

Obi: This is going to be the longest meeting of my life.

END