Alaia Skyhawk: Someone commented that they expected Uther to berate Arthur as well. Hehe, I decided that he'd be angered more by Morgana than by his son going after her to keep her safe. That's not to say Arthur isn't going to be on his best behaviour for a while though XD

Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin.

Music: Campfire (Tangled OST clip, 1:18-2:26)

"Whom History Won't Remember" Episode: N/A

~(-)~

Chapter 59: Remembering a Friend ~Part 2~

Fingers brushed over the ornate cover, over the latch that held the tome closed before it was set into the concealed compartment under the bed. Merlin eyed the wrapped form of his staff that was in there, having half expected not to see it again or return here. He hadn't needed his spellbook at Ealdor, had only taken it because he'd not thought he'd return here. Thinking about that now, he smiled in irony that being here felt like coming home.

Gaius hadn't been in his chambers when he'd arrived back, he'd be out on his rounds. But word would spread quick of Arthur being back, and Merlin didn't doubt his mentor would rush back here as soon as he heard. That expectation was proven true, when barely five minutes after he'd entered the rooms, Gaius burst in through the door.

Seeing him, Merlin couldn't help the both sad and happy tears that welled up in his eyes, standing there as Gaius strode over to him and pulled him into a relieved hug.

"I was so worried about you. How did it go?"

Merlin backed up a little, trying to stop the trickles running down his face.

"We saved the village, even though five of the villagers were killed. Kanan is dead, and what men escaped won't be coming back again."

Gaius regarded those tears.

"Then why cry? If Ealdor is safe."

"My best friend, Will, was one of those killed." Merlin looked to Gaius in sorrow. "He got shot saving Arthur, and then he took the blame for the magic I used to summon wind to help us win. He protected me so I could stay by Arthur, because I'd told him he was worth protecting. Will died because of me."

With each word Merlin had bowed his head lower, fists clenching in pain at the memory. The feelings he'd had to hold inside while around Arthur and the others, able to rise now that he was with the one person in Camelot who knew the truth.

There was a flicker of gold in his eyes, a nearby jar shattering while one of the tables was shoved aside.

Gaius immediately put a hand on his arm, startled and scolding.

"Control yourself, Merlin. Remember, your magic is instinctive, so your emotions will affect it if you let them. Get it in hand, before they get you caught." He sighed, making his ward sit down on a stool. "You've been getting sloppy with that lately. You made things rattle in here when your mother told you what Kanan had threatened, and now you break something due to grief. You can't go on like this, not now that you've come back."

Merlin took a deep breath, wiping the tears from his face and biting his lip in guilt.

"I'm sorry, really, I don't mean to do it. It's just the more I learn about my magic, the stronger I seem to get, and the harder it is not to do things when I don't mean to. I get so little chance to practice anything big, that. I don't know, it just... feels like the new bits are what's slipping past me."

He put his head in his hands, Gaius regarding him with concern before deciding something.

"Has Arthur given you any chores to do yet?"

A small shake of a head.

"No, he and Morgana had to go speak to Uther, probably about her taking off to Ealdor without telling anyone that was where she was really going."

Gaius pulled him to his feet briskly.

"Then you and I are going out for a short ride. I'll leave a note for Arthur saying I've commandeered you for an errand, and that you will be back in time for your evening chores. Now go on, go saddle your horse, and do my pony while you're at it. I'll meet you at the stables."

Merlin frowned a little but did as he was told, Gaius writing a note and leaving it at Arthur's chambers. The two of them then rode out into the woods, the physician taking them to a less travelled area where there were a lot of caves and craggy ravines. The quiet of the forest was soothing, and both of them were quiet relaxed when he stopped near the entrance of a fairly large canyon and pointed up it.

"This one."

Merlin looked confused, getting down from his horse.

"Why are we here?"

Gaius followed suit, moving and tying his pony to a tree. He then sat on a convenient rock.

"So you can think things through and clear your head. Perhaps your magic will be easier to control if you can let out everything that you've got bottled up, and this is certainly a place you won't have to worry about restraining yourself. Go on, go in there. This one is a dead end, so no one will be able to sneak up on you without passing me. Go, I'll come check on you when it's time for us to head back."

Merlin stared at him.

"You brought me out here to think?"

Gaius sighed.

"I brought you out here to grieve. I know you too well, Merlin. I know the tears you've shed until this point are only the tip of what lies inside. You've known your magic has been slipping out when you let your emotions go, so you can't tell me you don't need this... Call it something like when grown men scream their lungs out to get rid of stress. It might seem silly, but it works."

Merlin still looked a bit unconvinced.

"Are you sure about this?"

The bland look he got in response said yes, and still a bit confused he did as he was told.

The canyon was old, tangled with weeds except where the tumble of stones in the bottom restricted them. He clambered his way past them, eventually arriving at a point where it widened out quiet a bit. Across the way any further progress was blocked by a rock fall, and looking around at what was almost like a crude and barren arena, Merlin understood why Gaius had chosen this place.

This place would be somewhat hard to damage, or at least kept him away from being close to things that would burn. Here he could truly let go, and not fear any stray magic resulting from that would get him executed.

Merlin took a deep breath as he finally let everything well up, screaming out like the men Gaius had mentioned and feeling like his magic was about to explode in a fury of power tied into it. Rocks near him were violently thrown into the air away from him, bushes among the rocks were reduced to ash in an instant. He then dropped to his knees, pounding his fists into the ground with his magic still wrapped up in everything. The earth shuddered with the hit, cracks radiating out from him, until finally he curled up in a sobbing ball.

He'd lost his best friend, the friend who had known about his magic since they were both nine years old. Yes they'd been separated by distance these past months, but the knowledge that Will was still there in Ealdor if he needed him had... But now Will was gone, dead. He could have stopped those raiders with ease, with as much effort as rolling over in bed. But Arthur had been there, and Morgana and Gwen. He'd hesitated out of fear of rejection because they were there, and that delay had created the situation that got Will shot. And then Will had taken the blame for the magic, and the reaction of the rest of the villagers to that had only made Merlin feel worse.

They'd accepted Will, honoured him even, for saving them with magic because it was still that... Saving them. How hadn't mattered, and that's why he felt worse. If Arthur and the others hadn't come, the people of the village would have kept his secret if he'd revealed it to get rid of the raiders. He didn't blame Arthur for coming, or the others, he blamed himself for not trusting them enough to take the risk until it was too late.

He heard more rocks crunching as they hit canyon walls, but he didn't care. He just lay there for a long time, listening to the forest around the rocky area and forcing himself to meditate. He let his sense of the web of magic calm him, going deeper into it when his magic seemed to want to pull him down, and discovering that when he wanted to he could sense more than just the web.

He started to lose sense of himself, like he was becoming the land itself, and he started to feel all the little creatures and animals in the area closest to him. So much life, in a land that needed him to protect it... Will had done what he did so he could continue to do that.

When Merlin finally sat up, he discovered he was hungry, stiff, dusty... and sitting in a small crater surrounded by shattered rock and charred ground. It was a stark reminder of his power, power that he did not yet know the limit of, and yet right now it didn't scare him. It was a reminder of his duty and his destiny, and for a moment he felt a spike of hate for that. If not for destiny he would have still been in Ealdor, he'd have been there when Kanan had first come. He'd have been there to protect everyone.

Merlin snorted. Yes, he'd have been there, but with the only magical means of attack being to throw things at the raiders or the raiders themselves... He'd have been shot with a crossbow within seconds, or run through with a sword. Either way, he'd just have been some hapless young sorcerer stupidly getting himself killed, and that was that. Those thoughts make the hate fade.

He was still sat there when Gaius came into view, much calmer now and feeling he had a better grip on his powers again. The physician paused in shock at the array of destruction that radiated out from where is ward was sitting, but he forced himself to ignore it, moving to Merlin's side.

"Are you all right?"

Merlin looked up at him, a strange distant expression in his eyes, and nodded before reaching out a hand. There was a flutter of movement from nearby, and as Gaius watched in awe a sparrow alighted on his ward's hand. Merlin watched it for a moment, before sending it away with a small flick of the fingers upon which it had perched. He then shook himself, blinking as if rising from a dream and getting to his feet with a smile.

"Thanks for bringing me out here. I feel better now."

Gaius, still startled, raised a hand in the direction the bird went.

"How did you do that?"

Merlin chuckled at his reaction.

"I was so caught up thinking about death, that I stopped thinking about the life all around me. My magic reminded me that it's there, I just have to look for it. When I let my magic guide me like that, like a dream, it feels like I'm part of everything around me. That's why the bird came, because I wasn't a person... I was part of the land it depends on. It felt... peaceful."

Gaius was clearly not sure what to make of that.

"Well, I'll just have to take your word for that... We'd best be going, if you're to be back in time to prepare a bath for Arthur and get him his supper."

Merlin chuckled again, still smiling.

"Yeah, he'd be lost without me to do all the picking up after him. When it comes to his chambers, he's a complete slob."

Gaius laughed at that.

"And you're so much better. Remember where this place is, Merlin. If you find your magic starting to slip again, I want you to come here and throw it around so you can get it back in hand."

"Yes, Gaius." A sad glimmer returned to Merlin's eyes. "Will would be laughing his head off right now. Me and that sparrow, he'd never let me live it down."

They got back to the castle well before dark, Merlin immediately rushing off to carry a bathing tub up to Arthur's chambers and then start filling it with hot water. He actually managed to get it done before the prince returned from whatever he'd been doing, Arthur pausing at the doorway to watch Merlin thoughtfully.

"So what was the errand?"

Merlin kept his back to him, evasive.

"You know, herbs and things. Honestly, I leave as if for good, and when I decide to come back Gaius acts like I've been on holiday. Work work work."

Arthur smiled smugly, walking further into the room.

"Well I knew you'd come back. The chief of the castle staff just thinks I gave you time off to deal with a family matter, out of sympathy. You weren't actually removed from the roster."

Merlin stiffened, turning and gaping at him for a moment, more than a little irritated.

"So you assumed I would come back?" He dumped the bucket he held on the floor. "Fine then, I'll assume you can get into this bath by yourself."

He stomped out past a startled Arthur, the prince realising that perhaps he could have chosen a better time to tease. He wasn't blind, it was obvious that Gaius' 'errand' was actually an excuse to take Merlin out and have a talk with him. Why was he always misjudging Merlin when the servant was upset?

Arthur undressed and sank down into the bath, still thinking. Coming to a decision, he resolved to speak to Gaius tomorrow. It might not be completely 'appropriate', but perhaps his idea would help Merlin. Gaius' errand had clearly helped, but he still felt like Merlin blamed him. He didn't want to feel like that.

~(-)~

Alaia Skyhawk: I thought the bit where Merlin senses the land was good, having it be one of those strange things he instinctively understands but yet Gaius finds startling and confusing. The bird was actually a hint on part of why Merlin is so good with Arthur's dogs later XD

On a side note, I've posted another chapter of Whom History. Part one of the first of the final three episodes of that fic :)