Chapter 2: "Akiha's nap has to end!"
Saturday, October 26, 2002

My eyes flutter open and slowly begin to focus as I wake up in my bed. My head is still spinning slightly.

"...Aproned Devil," I slur slightly.

Kohaku slipped me some drugs, definitely. For it is now the next morning...

"...‼"

I leap out of my bed and dash over to my desk. Those papers...

...Are all done?

I try to remember last night. I began work. I threw my pen at the wall. Kohaku came in. We talked briefly. I thought a lot. She slipped me drugs in the guise of a kiss...

...I cannot remember finishing them. Falling back onto my bed after I was drugged is the last thing I recall.

I leaf through the stack that is perhaps nearly a foot high.

They are all signed as I expect I would sign them. Tohno Akiha. It is definitely my handwriting, right down to the flourishes I add to the characters. Kohaku learned a lot of things from Otou-sama, but forgery was not one of them.

...At least, not as far as I know.

I set the papers back down and hold my head a bit as I walk up to the mirror, looking at myself.

Tohno Akiha looks back. Long black hair, which is good. No hint of red. Bright blue eyes that are not quite fully open due to the effects of grogginess from the drugging. Same blouse and red dress she always wears. Nothing is out of order, although it is considerably wrinkled due to sleeping in it.

I will have to find something else to wear today, it seems. As well as bathe. I usually bathe when I get up, so the the only thing abnormal about this routine is the fact I am doing it so late.

I walk into my closet, looking for something I can wear in the meanwhile. It is a Saturday, so thankfully I have time to relax a little bit today. It is always a nice thing to have a little bit of time to myself for a little bit of quiet. It helps keep Tohno Akiha human.

A light blue sweater and a long black dress catch my eye. Well, it is not my usual choice, but for some reason it just seems... right, for a reason I cannot possibly explain. As it is late October, it would be wise to wear such warmer and longer clothing.

A clean bra. I sigh slightly. It looks more like the bras Seo is starting to wear. We are approximately the same bust size, so this is unsurprising. What depresses me slightly is the fact she is approximately 20 months younger than me, and yet we have evenly-sized chests. If her chest swells further than mine, I will have to make sure I keep the fat inside of her chest and not let it get to her head.

Underclothing and socks. Well, of course those are needed. According to Souka though, some of the girls at the academy do such daring things as visiting boys on the weekends without underclothing on. What sort of thrill they gain from this, not only do I not wish to understand it, I do not wish to even think about it. I would never let anyone catch me, dead or alive, without some form of undergarments on. And if they take them off when I am dead, I will haunt them straight to hell.

Satisfied with my choice of garments for now at least, I walk off with it to my bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me, setting the clothing neatly on the edge of the sink.

I begin to unbutton my blouse. It undoes easily enough, as I am quite used to buttoning my blouse, and I let it slide off my back and arms.

...I sigh as I look in the mirror.

They are still there. They are still in their bra. They are still small. Much, much smaller than I would like them to be.

The real reason, according to Sion, and one that makes sense, I think, is that since I took upon keeping Nii-san's life alive with some of my own, is that the energy normally reserved for allowing my body to grow was instead pushed towards that purpose.

Nii-san and I are both rather small, and he is also fairly frail in constitution. As his life was "gone," Nii-san could not grow his body properly. As half of my life was supporting his, mine could not grow properly, either.

In theory, I could still grow somewhat, but not to the extent I would have had I not been under that burden. That is why I have seen my bodily proportions increase a bit over the last year.

However, they are not quite decently figured like Kohaku or Hisui, and they certainly will never approach the levels of Arcueid-san or Ciel-san. Even at best, I shall be a bit smaller than average, and have a body more like a girl's than a woman's.

...And for some reason, that bothers me like few things manage to do.

Breasts are silly things to worry about. They serve one functionary purpose and that is all — to provide milk for a child. But, of course, I have no child to breastfeed. Nor, for that matter, have I had sex... much less a pregnancy. Therefore, the size of my breasts are useless and I should not care about it so much.

And yet... I am oddly aware of my chest, or lack thereof.

Perhaps that is one of the reasons Hanei is so popular at our school — she has easily the largest breasts I have ever seen on someone... not that I have looked especially hard, of course, but it is rather hard not to notice such a thing, especially when she, herself, points out her talented genetic gift on occasion.

Then again, there is always a downside to having such an accentuated bust. Her back will likely be in bad shape in about twenty or thirty years, for one. Plus hers would sag far more than mine would in old age.

...Not that I am very likely to ever live to old age due to my cursed blood. But that is irrelevant.

...Nii-san did seem to like women who had bigger breasts. Perhaps that is why he chose her over—

...No. I cannot allow myself to think that. Nii-san's choices are Nii-san's, not mine. It is rude to expect him to be a part of such fantasies that he has proven he has no interest in.

They have grown slightly since the last year, yes, but even then... they are not nearly as large as I would like them to be. If they were even Kohaku's size, that would be acceptable. As it is, I remain smaller than her.

Then again, my body is not made for such proportions, either. The birth of a female Tohno is a very rare event, and according to Otou-sama, most Tohno women who are born, are of slim builds such as mine.

Well, I cannot change my genetics. If I could, I probably would have purged the Tohno blood in me some time ago.

I unzip and step out of my red dress, leaving me clad in just bra and underwear. Of course, what is there is perfectly fine from a biological standpoint. I can see the black hair, a sign of maturity, on my body through them if I look carefully enough. Slight, but there, just as my breasts are.

I hmm slightly to myself, and stick my thumbs through the bands on the sides as I lower them, examining a bit. It will need to be groomed soon. Not that I expect anyone to look there, of course, but it is a simple matter of hygiene and cleanliness. I used to like shaving it very carefully, but now such an act to me just seems like one does not think they are mature, or are attempting to appear younger for some reason. I step out of my underwear, moving them to the pile of worn clothing with my left foot.

I do not want to appear younger. I want to appear my age. I am 17 now, and women are not so... bare. Only children.

So I stopped. I groom it now. Besides, it means there is less of a chance to cut myself there, and cutting myself in such a sensitive place is not an experience I particularly enjoyed, especially since it had a fair tendency to itch as it healed. Obviously, a lady cannot and should not scratch such a place in public.

I shrug slightly to myself as I unclasp my bra and pull my arms out of it, and then take off my hairband and set it down, throwing my hair behind my shoulders as I look at my nude form in the mirror. I am now bare to the world, in the manner I came into it, more or less. The only people to have ever seen me like this were Kohaku, rarely Hisui...

...And Nii-san in my dreams.

I sigh. I do love him. I love him as more than a sister loves a brother. I love him, romantically. As a wife would love a husband.

I would do anything for him. I can aver that he is the one person who can take the cold, bossy Tohno Akiha and make her positively and completely melt to his whim. Truth be told, I... I am not fully sure why he has this effect on me, I just know that he does.

For eight years, I had thought of him night and day. The hurt slowly stopped as the years went on, partially due to me growing used to the pain of him being gone, as well as growing numb to the physical pain and chills, and partially due to my mind being so preoccupied with what Otou-sama was doing that I could not spare the time to think of him as much, but still... at night, when my mind was drifting off to sleep, Nii-san was in my thoughts. Nii-san was in my dreams.

The boy who had come to my home one day out of nowhere, looking rather like he was lost in the world, quickly grew accustomed to the space and splendor of the manor. He lived in the detached, Japanese-style house we have on the grounds. And every day, we would play, at any chance I could get... and sometimes even when I did not.

He would grab my hand, and we would run, and run, and run. And he would laugh, and he would jump, and sometimes I would even find myself doing these things, trying my very hardest to keep up with him, savoring every second of this strangely joyous feeling. Otou-sama would berate me most terribly if he caught us and especially if I had soiled my dresses with dirt or mud, but still...

...It was worth it, for that. To be with that boy. To experience a tiny slice of a childhood that I was otherwise denied. It was worth it every time — none of the punishments I ever received dissuaded me from partaking in these activities with him whenever I could.

Then, one day, a terrible tragedy befell us. That day, someone died. History will say that it was this boy, but I have chosen to reject that reality and substitute my own. To me, that day, "he" died. And Nii-san barely survived.

But then, right after he had recovered well enough to be sent home from the hospital, Otou-sama sent him away the very next day. The joy was gone. Now it was just the work. And not long after, the chills and pains began. Chills that would make me feel like I was standing outside completely naked. Pains that would make me scream like I was being ripped apart, cell by cell, and beg to die.

When I did not feel like dying, hatred boiled in my veins. Hatred for Otou-sama. The sort of hatred that would drive one with less willpower and fortitude than myself into nothing less than committing patricide.

But... I suffered them both.

For Nii-san, because that is how much I loved him. The hope that he would come back one day... that was enough to keep Tohno Akiha alive.

And for Otou-sama... because he informed me that with Nii-san and "him" gone, that I would now become head of the Tohno family one day, and that all of this would be mine, and as stern as he was, I knew I would need every ounce of wisdom I could gain from him to be an acceptable head.

The days turned into weeks, the weeks into months, the months into years. Some days, the chills were so unbearable that all I could do was sit in a very hot bathtub all day. Others, the pain was so searingly intense it blinded my senses and it took Hisui, Kohaku, and Otou-sama to keep me held down and in bed, my body twisting and contorting in ways that made it look like I had been thrown off a building or crushed between things, resembling a victim of Minamata Disease, with hands like claws and my body twisted so violently that it is nothing less than a miracle that I have a normal posture. I have seen the pictures; they were not pleasant to look at in the slightest. I burned most of them.

Then, Otou-sama died, and I immediately requested Nii-san to return from the Arimas. And he returned. And I found the pain insignificant and the chills just a triflesome bother. He could take them all away, just by his mere presence...

As much as I try not to, I still think of him sometimes. I dream of his embrace, and of the smell of his skin, and of the feel of his hands as he rubs my back. I dream of hearing him whisper my name into my ear. I dream of him never wanting to let me go, of saying "Forget your work for now, Akiha, it is time for just you and me."

I blush at the thoughts. I can feel my body reacting to them already. I realize I have not breathed for a few moments, and so I force myself to inhale air. A slight warmth has formed in my cheeks and stomach. I place my hand over my left breast to ensure my heart is beating, having sworn I felt it stop for a moment, and instead, it is beating slightly faster, as if I had exerted myself.

Such impure thoughts, having an effect like that on my body... it is disgusting.

And yet.

It is also what my body desires. Filthy, impure desires. Most would say illegal ones, as although Nii-san and I are not blood related, it is only he, Hisui, Kohaku, and I that know that. Even to the Arimas, he was always — ALWAYS — Tohno Shiki.

But... between us, to me, he will always be Nii-san. And to him, I will always be Akiha... his little sister.

I believe someone said you cannot help whom you fall in love with, and that it is pointless to fight it.

Visibly, I must fight it. To Nii-san, Hisui, and Kohaku, I must appear that I do not long for him anymore in that way. And usually, I do not.

But sometimes...

I turn the water on, and step into the tub. I shirk back slightly at the water's initial coldness, and quickly turn up the hot water faucet. Within moments, the water changes from cold to lukewarm to a very pleasant heat, and I carefully guide my body down into the tub, shivering slightly as I lay my back and shoulders on the edge of the cold porcelain, and then sigh as I feel the warmer water beginning to surround my body. Heat pours into me, and as always, it is wonderful, delicious.

Even though I no longer have to support Nii-san's life, I still like to take exceptionally hot baths. They are one of the few times I can truly relax... but now is not the time to do so. I am already delayed.

I turn on the shower attachment, and lower my head so that the water soaks into my hair.

An absorption of my own consciousness.
A past I can never forget.
A life I must continue living regardless...

Next Week (6/20/10) - Chapter 3: "Scrambled Slice of Life"