A happy belated Canada Day, and a happy Independence Day to my fellow Americans. Don't blow your hands off with fireworks now!
Chapter 5: "Blood and Emotions ~Oil and Water~"
I call Ishizaki a few hours later, having invited the three of my friends over for a few hours. I do have my work done, even though I do not remember it apparently, so it is acceptable and will not matter if I have some company. It is a nice change of pace to have faces other than Hisui, Kohaku, Nii-san and Len in the mansion, at any rate.
I sit in the back seats, my bags in tow. I did not buy too much, but I found a pair of boots I like quite a bit, a nice fountain pen that seemed destined to fit in my hand, and a kakemono* with a scene of autumn leaves falling from a tree, a reminder of my favorite time of year. I would not change my birthday for the world, even if I could; autumn is truly my favorite season, and I am sad to see it ending soon. Regardless, the scroll is tasteful, and I shall like looking at it on my wall from time to time.
Seo, of course, went insane on buying nearly any doujinshi that interested her, as well as some new art and drawing supplies. Even with all that she bought, it is very likely that she will have read them from cover to cover in the space of a month or so. The girl will voraciously read through them first for amusement, then look them over with a closer eye, seeking if they do anything she could use to improve her own technique. I am glad Seo has such a talent; truth be told, sometimes I wish I could draw as artfully as she does. Perhaps someday she will become a professional artist. I can already think of a pen name for her: "Tsurupettanko."**
Hanei, naturally, bought things that accentuated her beauty. Some jewelry, an outrageous bra that was rather lacy and pushed up her breasts, and makeup. When I asked why she would ever want to wear such a bra, she just said "Good things will happen to me if I do!" and gave that terribly infectious smile of hers. Well, as long as it makes her happy, that should be all that matters. I, however, would never dare to wear something so... provocative, even if I were blessed to have breasts like Hanei does.
Souka bought mostly things that were, obviously, blue. Blue clothing, blue hairbands, a book called "Island of the Blue Dolphins"... blue, blue, blue. I would think she is too old for the book, but it is the English version, so perhaps that will make it more challenging to her. I am fluent in English out of necessity, so if I have time to spare, I may help her read it. It does look to be a fairly interesting novel, and I confess I have not read very much western literature. It would broaden my horizons to do so.
Seo could not wait to return to the mansion to tear open her new doujinshi. She is already laughing her head off at something she has read in one of them. Seo's laughter is cute if it is heard once in awhile, but when it is constant as it is now it is more like a fork scratching a fine dish. I do my best to ignore her laughter while speaking to Souka and Hanei.
"Hanei. What did you mean earlier by 'good things will happen' if you wear that bra?"
"Hm?" She looks at me, a bit confused at first. Typical Hanei. Her eyes widen slightly with understanding a couple of seconds later. "Oh! Well, isn't it obvious, Akiha-chan? I want a boyfriend."
"...With all due respect, Hanei, it would take a very patient man to be your boyfriend."
She giggles slightly. "That's what these are for!" She pushes out her chest slightly, proudly. Souka rolls her eyes, and then when Hanei is not looking, she leans over to me, shielding her mouth from Hanei's gaze with her hand.
"Hanei's lost it, Tohno," Souka whispers, "if she thinks that a racy bra is going to magically land her a boyfriend."
"Agreed," I quickly reply. After all... bras are worn INSIDE of shirts, not outside. As... unappealing as my chest is, even I know that.
There is also the fact that as attractive as Hanei is, a man would have to have great patience to be able to take care of her appropriately. As her friend, I will see to that, and make sure that whomever she proclaims as her boyfriend is not using her or simply trying to get in between her legs. Anyone who would dare to treat her in that manner with me around will find in me their worst nightmares, and then some.
Yet... is that not what I really want too?
Granted, I am not quite the same kind of woman Hanei is. I think I am attractive, yes... but my chest is definitely a drawback. It is acceptable on a girl like Seo, but it is not quite as acceptable on one who is supposed to be a woman such as myself. Admittedly, my demeanor could also be a factor. I can be... sharp at times. A third possible factor is that my lifestyle is a very busy one, even publicly. Oftentimes I am only on the campus for a very brief time — half an hour or so — after classes end at 3:30, and if not I am usually either doing some duties I have been assigned at school, practicing my violin playing, and so on. These sorts of things limit my ability to start up such new relationships. And fourth... of course... would be the reality of who I am — a human on the outside... a demon within.
Despite this all, someday I will have to decide upon an heir to the Tohno assets and name, because demon or not, I, like most beings, have only a limited amount of time on this world. It cannot be Nii-san, as Otou-sama named me head of the family, so the only real question is... do I have a child, or do I adopt one...?
It does not matter too much right now, of course, but it will be something that will have to be addressed in the years to come. There must be an heir to the Tohno name. I do not care very much if they are not of my flesh and blood, and truth be told, I would possibly prefer that they are not; I am still undecided on whether this is the right course of action. I may have gotten control of my blood back for good with "him" being gone and Nii-san's life no longer attached to mine, but there is no guarantee any children I have would have that same level of control. Depending on who the father would be, it is possible, although unlikely, that the demon blood would strengthen, even if the person possesses so little demon blood that they are, for all intents and purposes, human. Whether I choose to adopt, or have a child of my own, no matter what, the result would be dangerous.
There is also the fact that there are still those who hunt demons walking this planet. While Nii-san is the last of the Nanaya as far as we both know, there are many of the Asagami, Fujyou, and Ryougi families around, and not all of them even know they are of those bloodlines. Nii-san may be sympathetic to my ideals and causes — whether it is because he sees me as his sister, or simply a human, I do not know... but anyone from those families would potentially not be so willing to allow us to live. Therefore, even in my somewhat peaceful existence now, I must be on my guard at all times; the Ryougi, notably, are especially dangerous, being almost as efficient at killing as the Nanaya were.
Nii-san was dangerous, too... but in the end, even though he tried... even though I, myself, tried... he could not completely let go of Tohno Shiki. He could not kill me, much to my chagrin, forcing me to happily smile and give him a parting gift of doing it myself. He tried his best not to allow me to kill myself. His grip on the knife as I plunged it towards my heart that night a year ago was weak and exhausted, but at the same time I could tell he was trying to push the point anywhere but towards my breast, even as I pulled it closer.
In the end, it was only Kohaku's timely intervention that had saved us both, with the help of a thin strip of white cloth.
It saved Nii-san from the guilt of having watched me end my own life and become that which I think he detests the most. At this point, Nanaya Shiki was fading from consciousness, and Tohno Shiki was but a helpless observer. An observer who snapped back to his senses in time to see his sister firmly, but calmly, grab the knife he was holding in his hand and push it towards her chest with a smile.
But more importantly... Kohaku and that ribbon saved me from taking my own life, as a coward who could not admittingly truly kill Nii-san, either.
Someone who could not admit killing "him" brought her great pleasure.
Someone who could not admit that the demon blood running through her veins had nearly taken over and won.
Someone who could not admit she was drunk on the glorious power that surged through every nerve and fiber of her being.
It was only seeing Nii-san's face as he straddled her, knife inches from her neck, resisting the urge to slice through the line that he surely saw, that gave her a shred of her humanity back...
Perhaps it was because I love him so, but honestly, in the moment before I was sure I would feel the blade pierce my chest, my thoughts were on how handsome Nii-san looked at that moment. Masculine, and yet vulnerable. Strong, and yet weak. Self-sufficient... and yet dependent.
Dependent on his sister... to live. Not just literally, but figuratively as well...
"Hey. Tohno." A pair of fingers snap in front of my eyes. I startle slightly, then turn to them and follow them up. The hand is attached to Souka. "You alright? You looked like you wanted to cry for a sec there." Hanei is also looking at me, concerned. Seo is too lost in her doujinshi to even realize I had shown a moment of weakness among the three of them.
"...I am fine, Souka. Do not concern yourself with me." I shake the unpleasant memories out of my head as best as I can while repositioning my hair a bit.
...Although I must admit... Nii-san being on top of me in that way... that also might have been what brought Tohno Akiha back from wherever her soul had been temporarily discarded to...
It is very easy for someone to say "Sure, I will never lose my sanity," but those people have never experienced being on the brink of madness, of feeling the one single thread that keeps you barely sane fraying. They have never even come close. All it takes is the right triggers to make even the most sane person insane. An experienced torturer knows this, and once they find what breaks a person, all they need is a ruthless nature and the willpower to stop looking at them like human beings to bring out the dark side of human nature.
For example, even the most peaceful of men will probably fight for the lives of those he loves. His wife, his children, his family. But if you kill them... he will turn into a vigilante, driven by hatred, revenge, self-loathing, any number of things, perhaps. Then you have him in the palm of your hand. Or, if you're a little less ruthless, you can simply use them as a bargaining chip... but then you must be careful not to overdo it, as the man will kill you for it eventually or die trying, especially if you renege on promises made.
So many different things, and all it takes is lining them up in the right order to bring anyone — man, woman, or child — to the brink, and only one more event to send them over.
For me... that was a year ago. Of knowing "he" was still alive.
When Nii-san began having his nightmares, I knew then it was "him" and his influence. I knew that I had to act decisively and immediately, or else Nii-san would lose his mind... and, having just gotten him back, I was in no position to risk losing him ever again.
So I set out. That night, I tracked "him" down, and killed him once and for all. He would never haunt Nii-san, or me, ever again.
But, in his place, I wound up being the one to take on that burden. It was thanks to his dying curse, passing on his affliction to me. And without even realizing it, my grip on sanity began to fade.
I held Nii-san's life in my hands. Me. I could have ended it with just a whim, by cutting the very link that, in a similar period of insanity, I had established eight years beforehand.
And "he" was quite vocal about me cutting it. I nearly did. Nii-san got worse and worse, eventually being unable to even breathe very well...
...All because I was convinced by "him" and the curse, that this would somehow make him mine.
For a foolish, selfish reason, I thought that holding the power of life and death over him would somehow make him change his mind on whom he loved. But... he loved Kohaku as a partner, and not me. Despite my intense feelings for him, as far as Nii-san was concerned, Tohno Akiha is just his sister. He loves her very much, but they cannot ever take that step of being more than that, because he is unable to stop seeing her as his sister, and start seeing her as a woman.
In some ways, it is the worst pain I have felt in my life... knowing I was rejected. It is why I nearly killed Kohaku. But, enough of the human Tohno Akiha made the blow less than fatal. Grievous, yes, but not fatal.
At the same time... his rejection is partially what set the events into motion. If he had said yes to me... then there might still be a demon in the guise of Tohno Akiha, as opposed to Tohno Akiha herself, being in control of her mind and body.
...All for love.
It is why in some ways, I think I fear it, to be honest. Nii-san is the only person I could ever see myself loving, because if the worst happened, and he could not save me... I know he is fully capable of killing me to bring me peace. A regular human would stand absolutely no chance against my origami.
But, besides that... there really is no room for anyone other than him in my heart, I think. I... cannot see myself able to truly love anyone else, not even my friends. I mean, I DO love them; but I cannot fully love them because to do that would mean they would have to not only know about my flaws, but be prepared enough to deal with them.
And admittedly... there would not be many people who would be able to best me in a fight. Especially to the death. All I have to do is glare at them, and my origami will do the rest, vaporizing them within mere seconds if I will it so.
Unlike a human, I could win a fight without even lifting a finger. I could with a fight while laying flat on my back. I could win a fight from hundreds of feet above them... and they, they would become nothing but a mere thought.
And yet, at the same time... conflict. Conflict because as head of the Tohno Family... I must have an heir to our name when my time comes, whether it is in fifteen years or seventy-five. So... I really only have two choices.
One, I have a natural heir. Of course, they will be like me... their demon blood a little weaker, their human blood a little stronger, but they still run the risk of the Inversion Impulse just like I do. I would have to train them especially hard to resist the urge to invert. Our powers are wonderful things in theory... as long as we can control them. But great powers, unchecked, bring about great destruction, and the last thing I need is for Ciel-san and Arcueid-san to have to kill my children. It would bring them grief whether I were alive or dead; they both know me on too personal a level to feel anything but that if such an event occurred.
The other would be to adopt. Advantages, guaranteed freedom from inversion since they would lack the Tohno Bloodline. Disadvantages... would be explaining how I differ, and how someday they might have to kill me. Matricide is normally a fairly difficult thing to accomplish, mostly due to the emotional burden of killing your own mother, but it is a different matter entirely when your mother is... less than human.
Right now, though, that is the distant future. For now, I should be focusing just on making sure I keep what I have...
"Yo, Tohno!" A fingersnap. I shake my head, startled once more by the same pair of fingers in front of my eyes.
"Ah, yes, Souka?" I blink a bit.
"We're back at your home, you know." She looks at me, a little worriedly, before she climbs out. It is only then that I notice that I am the last one in the limousine.
I sigh as I collect my bags and exit.
* A kakemono is a type of Japanese wall-scroll painting, that are hung on the wall and easily changeable.
** "Tsurupettanko" roughly means "Smooth and Flat-chested girl."
Memories can never fade, both good and bad.
And yet... there is no escaping the future, either.
I am damned either way...
Next Week (7/11/10) - Chapter 6: "A Dish Best Served Au Gratin"