Chapter 7: "The River of Dreams"
...Is it... possible that Seo is not attracted to males, but to... females?
...Is it... possible that Seo is not only attracted to females, but to... me?
...Is it... possible that Seo is not only looking at me as a Senpai, but to... be a lover?
THUMP.
I feel my heart shiver in my chest like the blood in my veins had chilled. My hand tremors slightly as my eyes remain fixated to this... this image.
An image that is both simultaneously utterly revolting and hauntingly beautiful. There is simply no other way to describe it.
I avert my eyes, and try to shake the image and thoughts from my head. No. This can't be right. This, this is just all a freakishly horrid coincidence... maybe I am simply a model for this girl... yes... that has to be it...
...Right?
But... what if I'm not? Then this means Seo... could... she, and I... we'd...
No! No, I'm imagining this. Surely. It must be some freak thing... caused by "him"... yeah...
That's why I'm feeling the tightness in my chest, because of— eh?
...Tightness...?
I place my right hand over my heart. As I do, I feel it thump resolutely in my breast. Determined to keep my body alive, even if the momentary shock made me into the living dead for a few fleeting seconds.
It seems it has forgotten to beat for a few moments, and is only now remembering. My lungs suddenly resume working as well, but I only notice they had stopped in the first place as I noisily gasp in air.
I feel slightly dizzy. I shake my head to try to remove it, and look at the page a second time to ensure I am not hallucinating.
...I am not. The girl who looks very much like Seo and the girl nearly identical to me are kissing...
I... cannot believe this...
I would never, ever do such a thing with Seo! Seo is a girl, and so am I! I do not like females sexually or romantically, I like males! Specifically, Nii-san is the only person I am interested in having a relationship with, so why—
My heart skips a beat as I realize that the characters in the title can be read another way, if one takes them character by character.
"Lonely Autumn Winds."
...Seo wrote potentially her actual, inner thoughts and desires in this... about me...
...About... me...
...
...
...I race to my room. Kohaku is waiting for me in the hall, but I race past her as well, grabbing the door handle with a sweaty palm and twisting it violently downward, slamming the door behind me as soon as I enter, listening to my heart pulse rapidly, feeling the blood surge through the temples of my head with every single heartbeat. I pant as I hear her call my name, but I no longer wish to talk to her. I am in no condition to talk to her. I... I can't think clearly...
I listen to my breathing. Short. Sharp. Raspy. As if no air was able to be held in my lungs.
My heart, providing a non-stop cadence for my lungs to work by. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
The temples of my head, working in time. Throb. Throb. Throb. Throb.
I feel my stomach turning slightly. I don't know what's worse... that Seo is possibly really looking at me in that way, or that I will have to tell her I am not. Either way, the situation is not good...
...It is dangerous.
A fantasy such as this one, if it's a true one, is best left in one's mind. This is why despite my deep feelings for Nii-san, I would never dare to vocalize them... not even to him. It's bad enough Kohaku knows, and that's because she's not stupid enough to not notice how I reacted when she and him were spending time together.
For even though I am an educated, intelligent woman... jealousy is a behavior inherent to the human condition.
Were we animals, Kohaku and I would be fighting until one of us fled or died. Well, then it'd be simple... I'd kill her easily, I think to myself as I feel a smirk cross my face.
"Akiha-sama, is everything okay?ǃ Akiha-sama, please answer me or I'm going to break down the door!" She bangs on it with her fist, and she sounds genuinely concerned. Her words — and the fact that she's banging on the door more or less where the back of my head is — are enough to bring me back to reality. For the third time in possibly as many minutes, I shake images of a spider spinning up her prey out of my head.
I steel myself for a moment so I can manage to speak about as normally as possible as one can when one realizes that perceived idol worship has progressed into romantic and sexual infatuation, with a member of the same sex, at that.
"...Everything is fine, Kohaku. Do not worry... I will, ah, speak with you tomorrow."
Silence. I can tell Kohaku is weighing options. I simply know her too well by now.
Does she refuse my demand?
Does she assent?
A good servant will be obedient, yes... but a great servant will know sometimes she has to break the rules. And if anyone is experienced at breaking the rules and getting away with it... it would be Kohaku.
More silence. She is thinking about it. That much is good, but...
...Which decision is the right one here and now? I honestly don't know. Part of me wishes Kohaku would just go away. Part of me knows talking about it might help, but... that is such an EMBARRASSING thing to talk about, especially to another girl!
Approximately 10 seconds later, she has made her decision. "...Very well, Akiha-sama. I will be in my room if you change your mind or need anything." After a few moments of awaiting a reply which I do not give her, I hear her footsteps slowly walk off, followed about ten seconds later by the opening and closing of a door.
I sigh in relief. I will have to thank her in the morning, possibly. A small price to pay for the peace of now.
I walk over to my bed and I lay on my back, trying to collect my thoughts and calm my body.
What... in her right mind would possess her to draw something like that? Granted, I do not know Seo's sexuality, but that is because her sexuality is really none of my concern. It is not my job to police my friends in that way — as long as they are happy with whomever they are with and that person is not dangerous, I would learn to grow to accept them.
...But...
...What if it really is me?
...For that matter... why me, of all people?
Surely she would be able to find someone more to her style and liking than I am. I am very unlike Seo, in nearly every way. We do not share hobbies or interests, for the most part, although I will confess to having proofread some of her finished work... which is not too bad, although I can hardly confess to being much of a doujinshi reader.
Her stories have been rather interesting ones, at least. They had some flaws in them, sure, but her writing, while improving, is not quite up to par — not yet. Her art is rather good, but she lacks someone with the ability to take a character and transform a look, a voice, and a tone into written word.
Her stories tend to be comedies, which is why the fact this one was so serious from the start greatly intrigued me. Although it would have been just as typical of Seo to put someone who was very obviously NOT attractive in the slightest in that panel, too, of course. That is her sort of style, to get you to think one thing so that her joke has more effect.
But, this was no joke. This was definitely a romance story.
...And it just so happened that either this other girl is me, or a girl whose looks, proportions, and body shape are very obviously based upon me.
I sigh a bit, and close my eyes, remembering that scene. That scene, of a shared kiss.
The image of Seo and myself kissing goes through my head, over and over and over again, only finally stopping when, without realizing it, I fall unconscious.
"...Mmmmh..."
My eyes open slowly on the bed. They blink a few times, as I realize now I had fallen asleep.
...Seo had drawn that doujinshi. That doujinshi of her... and me. Kissing.
It was admittedly a cute drawing. The sort of innocent love that schoolgirls such as her would dream of. Her and me, kissing, lips touching ever so slightly, ever so carefully, ever so tenderly, ever so romantically.
...But still.
I do not like other women. Not in that way. Nii-san as my public partner would be the worst publicly, but a woman would be considered next most scandalous. In society, it is a gray area — some people approve of it, some people disapprove of it, and many are fighting for the right to marry the same sex.
Truth be told, I honestly believe that one should simply be allowed to at least attempt to be with the one who brings them happiness in this world, regardless of what they are. Obviously, if the other person rejects their advances, that is one thing, but... our time on this planet is far too short to worry about such a trifling matter, really. Everyone wants to be happy... so they should be given the freedom to be happy.
At the same time... while I am not one to tell one whom they can or cannot love, I cannot allow Seo to view me in this way. Even if her attraction is to girls, my attraction is not. Therefore, I will have to call her and inform her of this.
I sit up in my bed and stretch. I feel rested and re-energized. On one hand, I am a bit angry that I fell asleep so soon. On the other, it is approximately the time I would wake up anyway. I can tell, even though I look at the clock to be certain.
4:52 AM. My body is performing like clockwork. It is fully used to waking up at this time.
It is also probably for the best that my mind has cleared up from its panic last night. Now that I have slept on it a little, I feel that I am much more mentally prepared to confront Kohaku about my drugging on Friday night.
I walk over to my window and gaze out. The moon is high, and a little over half full. A waning gibbous.
Arcueid-san is no doubt getting ready to retire for the night, if she has not already. I am fairly sure that any threats she fought or was monitoring have either been defeated or she has gathered the information she needs. Her usual personality and demeanor may be somewhat childish and naive, but her determination while on the job is nothing but pure business.
...Although, despite that, I believe she is still smitten with Nii-san, but... she can do something I cannot — she can accept that he has affection for others. For Kohaku, and not for her.
...I could not, initially.
I remember full well my attitude, my words. "If there is a time for me to do that, then that is after finding out that it will never become mine."
Such words... send a shiver down my spine as I remember them. Those were not the words of Tohno Akiha. Those were not the wishes of Tohno Akiha. Those were not the desires of Tohno Akiha.
...Those were the words of a demon, impersonating Tohno Akiha.
It was "him" influencing me. "Him" that made me bold to the point of blindness. Perhaps I am a little more sure in my action and thought now, but never again will I allow "him" to control me in that manner. Tohno Akiha controls Tohno Akiha. Nobody else. If he wishes to control my mind in that manner again, he shall have to kill off Tohno Akiha completely...
"...Ah." A tear has slid itself down my cheek.
I lift it with my index finger, and look at it. Crystalline. Pure.
HUMAN.
Tohno Akiha is human. Tohno Akiha was born human. Tohno Akiha appears human. Human features, human organs, human speech, human thoughts, human emotions, human insecurities, human imperfections...
"He" was not human. He ceased to be human when he rushed at me to kill me, 9 years ago. He looked human, he had human features. He even spoke like a human. But the sounds he made, the thoughts in his head... they were delusional. Foolish. Insane...
...Lunatic.
That is the most fitting word. The moon.
The red moon. Blood red moon.
Crimson Red Vermilion... chaos reasserting itself.
Humans can be thought of, really, as complex machines; a set of highly-ordered systems whose individual components may seem superficially chaotic, but they are adjustable, understandable, and controllable when you know exactly what you are doing.
But this comes at a price.
That price is that such order in the self causes disorder in the environment. When we carve out a home that is comfortable for ourselves, we disturb the comfort of the place where we build it. Life, therefore, is allowed to exist because as it grows, the cosmic energies in the universe shift around to accommodate it. Therefore, the more structured the life, the more chaos grows elsewhere.
An equivalent exchange.
This has been proven throughout history. Parasites feed off of their hosts. Empires are built upon misery and enslavement of the losers. Those with superior tact triumph over those who favor sheer, stupid force. The strong thrive, the weak die, and in this manner, balance of all things are sustained.
Such was the case with "him" — as Otou-sama rigidly controlled his life, things such as fun and games with me, or with Nii-san, inevitably were creating chaos in the structure. Therefore, the structure had to be made more rigid and less accessible to us, and Otou-sama made it so. The day where "he" inverted forever, was the first time he had been allowed outside with Nii-san and I for approximately a month and a half, because he had achieved perfect scores on both his school tests and on Otou-sama's own, far more personal tests of the Tohno family.
This, was Otou-sama's most fatal mistake and flaw. He could not see that they had to be balanced.
For when order suddenly turns to chaos — when there is simply too much for it to hold back anymore — it all comes crashing down with no chance whatsoever for it to diffuse safely; there is no time for such rebalancing. Like an earthquake, the break is clean, immediate, and packed with extreme amounts of energy. There is balance... but not before the excess energy is spent to create the balance.
And that night... was my earthquake. That night that I killed "him," I could not push back the pure chaos that he had injected directly into my ordered life, nor could I dissipate it.
And thus, I lost.
It really happened. For several days, Tohno Akiha was dead, and Crimson Red Vermilion Akiha walked in her stead... and the damn demon was smart enough to hide her power and play the charade, like some sort of distorted, scrambled mirror.
She looked like her. She sounded like her.
To an extent, she thought like her.
But the thoughts in her head weren't the full thoughts of Tohno Akiha. What remained of Tohno Akiha was feverishly trying to find a way to reassert her control over her body, unable to do much else but watch through a shared set of eyes as she did things entirely against her will.
Like drinking blood. And even stopping that took nearly every ounce of what remained. But the chaos did not like that. So it turned to its next target... Nii-san.
Tohno Akiha would never want to harm Nii-san.
But... she did.
No, she didn't just want to harm him, she DID harm him. Slowly but surely crippling first his body, then his mind, until he could no longer think clearly. Until he could scarcely breathe.
Toying with his life, like it was some sort of sick game for her amusement.
And listening to "him," bending entirely to his willpower. Raping her symbolically, by doing that which she did not want to do.
That... makes my blood boil.
In the reflection of the window, I can see the tips of my hair starting to turn a vibrant red. Because...
...Because right now, I want to kill "him" again. I want to hear him scream in terror as I vaporize him, cell by cell. I will do it slowly and carefully, politely stating that if he would but hold still, I would make it quicker on him.
But the truth is... if that somehow managed to fool him... it would all be a very vicious lie.
I really want to make him suffer, and scream for mercy. And I want to grin and tell him, in the strongest words possible, that he will have none. Even his new death would make the old one seem like a butterfly landing on his finger.
While my origami restricts him, more of it would slowly drain his heat. I would do it one cell at a time, with every single cell in his body, starting from that which is non-vital and slowly working until I begin removing heat from his core, vital organs. It would take hours. But when one is dancing with the devil in the blood red moonlight, it is improper to end the dance early.
A fanatical waltz would be the perfect dance to have, at that time. I would at least give him some entertainment in his last hours. He may be too distracted to appreciate it much, but I would do so.
Who knows... I might even drink his blood if he were a good audience member.
But...
That would be letting "him" win. And so I force myself to stop thinking them. Because, most importantly, I could not kill him again even if I wanted to. I vaporized him a year ago; there is no undoing my action, and even though I feel satisfied personally with what I did, there is no removing the stain it permanently smeared onto my soul.
I breathe slowly and deeply, to calm myself down. It is the best strategy for dealing with the demon forever shackled in my blood.
Just close your eyes, and breathe deeply. And it will go away. You have done this before, when Otou-sama taught you.
In. Out. In. Out.
After a few breaths, I feel the homicidal thoughts recede into my deeper consciousness, and the human side of Tohno Akiha returns as her dominant consciousness. My eyes reopen, and in the reflection of the window, I can see that the tips of my hair have returned to their shade of jet black.
I pull myself away from the window. These thoughts are terrifying. They are depressing me and making me sick. And more importantly, they are giving "him" a chance to win from beyond the grave. I refuse to be anyone's puppet, much less the puppet of a dead person.
He will not win. Not from death. I refuse to allow such a thing to happen to me! I am stronger than that. I am stronger than him. If he were the stronger one, I would be the dead offspring of Tohno Makihisa, and not him.
The fact that I am alive proves that I am stronger, and he was weaker. The weak cannot take over the strong; therefore I will not give in to such thoughts... even if they are of him. Even if they are of killing him again.
Because... when one can find reasons to kill again, willingly, for whatever reason, their humanity dies. Then they just become a murderer. And when one begins to take pleasure in the act of killing... then they become a monster.
...And I fear becoming a monster more than probably just about anything else I could possibly think of.
...Maybe I will talk to Kohaku about more than the drugs. Between this and Seo's doujinshi, a lot has suddenly been on my mind. I will not be able to function properly tomorrow, or next week, or forever if I do not relieve some of this stress.
Fortunately... one of the better stress relievers that I have is something I have integrated into my daily routine, as it has been for years. Today, I am more eager to take it than I otherwise would be. It will give me enough mental relaxation until later when I feel ready to talk to Kohaku, at any rate.
I quickly gather my cleaned, usual outfit, and head to my shower, possibly the most important fifteen minutes out of every day.
Fifteen minutes in which to attempt to wash, however futilely, the sins from my soul.
A human. A demon.
I am a mix of both of these things.
And at times, I find reasons to curse them both.
Next Week (7/25/10) - Chapter 8: "Super Alchemist Grand Archmage Citrina!"