Jailbird Jedi

(13 year old Obi-Wan aka Yappy Obi is at it again as he and Qui-Gon land in a jail cell during a mission.)

Originally posted in 2020.

Obi: Well, this is nice change of scenery.

Qui: We're in jail, Obi-Wan.

Obi: True, but it's a nice jail. The man that put us in here was polite.

Qui: He pushed me in first, and then picked you up over his head and threw you into me.

Obi: But he said have a nice stay on his way out.

Qui: He was mocking us.

Obi: I'm trying to look at the bright side here, Master.

Qui: To alter the fact that this was your fault?

Obi: Why do you always blame me?

Qui: Do you deny it?

Obi: I do not, but still, just one time I'd like you to blame someone else.

Qui: Who would you like me to blame?

Obi: Master Windu. Master Poof. Jerk Boy. All the above?

Qui: I do not know who Jerk Boy is, but I suspect he lives in your strange mind.

Obi: He is the Chosen One. He will bring balance. Train him.

Qui: What?

Obi: Eh, never mind. You'll understand in about twelve years.

Qui: That's strangely specific.

Obi: I am strange.

Qui: No argument from me.

Obi: Master, how do we get out of here? A daring escape like breaking through the wall or digging a tunnel or…

Qui: Manipulation from the Force.

Obi: That's one of your favorite things in life, isn't it? In fact, I think you are a bit too fond of it. Waving your hand around and changing people's minds. Master, it's a little dishonest.

Qui: What would you have me do?

Obi: I like the digging idea myself. I have a spoon. I can start.

Qui: Where do you get the spoon and how do you dig through steel with a spoon?

Obi: Granted, it will take some time.

Qui: Stop talking and put the spoon away. Someone is coming.

Obi: Good thinking. Hide the spoon. They'll never suspect.

Qui: Hush.

Obi: Oh, it's not the same man that threw me in here. That's nice.

Captor: Had enough, Jedi? I am inclined to release you from this prison.

Obi: Wow, that's was fast. Good job, Master. I didn't even see your hand move.

Qui: I did nothing. Shut up.

Obi: I can try, just wave a little wave and…OW! SITH! Master, let go of my hand.

Qui: No. Quiet. Let me handle this.

Obi: Okay, but you know he's lying to you, right? His eye is twitching. You said that when Mongans lie, they twitch. He's twitching. Didn't you study your own…OW!

Captor: The boy is right. I am lying. I don't know why, but it's fun. He's fun. Perhaps I might borrow him for entertainment. A jester for the court.

Obi: Ah, no?

Qui: Perhaps another time.

Obi: Or never? Master!

Captor: Hmmm. I think I will borrow him. I'll return him later.

Qui: Perhaps you will not. He's a child, not a toy.

Obi: Child? I'm a bit more than that. I mean I can hurl rocks and everything.

Captor: Ah, interesting. We would enjoy seeing some of your Force skills. The cuffs stay on of course.

Obi: Did I say hurl rocks? I meant collect rocks. Yes, I can collect them.

Captor: Too late.

Obi: Damn it.

Qui: Obi-Wan.

Obi: Master, if there was ever a time for a damn it, this is it. A little help here?

Qui: I tried to get you to shut up, but you insisted on talking.

Obi: But what if they don't bring me back?

Qui: Well…

Obi: Master!

Qui: You will be out there with some freedom, I expect certain things from you. Behaviors. Be on your best behavior, Obi-Wan. For me.

Obi: I don't know if that is a good, oooooooooh, okay. Never mind. I'm good. Okay Mr. Bad Guy, I'm ready to be your jester and toss rocks at people.

Captor: Good. Let's go then.

—-

Obi: You have a lot of people in your gang, Captor Guy.

Captor: Ragget.

Obi: Ragget to you too.

Captor: That is my name.

Obi: Oh, that's weird.

Captor: So says the Jedi boy named Obi-Wan.

Obi: Valid point. All right, you have a lot of people in your gang, Ragget.

Captor: Crew.

Obi: Ragget Crew?

Captor: No, they are not a gang, they are a crew.

Obi: Same difference.

Captor: It is not. Gangs are angry and hateful and destructive.

Obi: You put me in jail.

Captor: But it is a nice jail.

Obi: Well, it does have a pee bucket, so there's that.

Captor: Stop talking and perform.

Obi: What do you want me to do?

Captor: Force stuff.

Obi: That narrows it down. Okay, I can flip, see? I can lift you off the ground, see? I can spin you, but you'd get sick and puke all over me and if you puke all over me, Master Qui-Gon won't let me back into the jail cell with him, then we'd be separated and would have to yell back and forth to each other and annoy the other prisoners. Do you have other prisoners here, Ragget? I've only see me and Master Qui-Gon.

Captor: No others, now put me down.

Obi: I could spin you in other directions besides at me, then you could puke on them and that would lead to more puking and no, that's just disgusting, okay I'll put you down. What do you want me to do next? I can jump high, I can throw things. Did you want to see me throw things? I'm a lot better than I used to be at it. When I first started, I could barely lift a twig, now I can throw rocks, people, well, some people. Some people are too heavy for me. I do better with the lightweight ones right now, but I'm working to do more. One day I might be able to lift fighters out of swamps. Have you ever been to a swamp? I've heard the swamps on Degobah are the worst. Trolls and things live there. And leeches. They drain your entire blood out… no wait, they drain all the blood in your body – that's it – in a day, depending on how many leeches. I had one on me for a week, only one so it didn't do much damage, but look at my arm? See that red mark there? That's the scar. They always leave scars, my master told me that. Or was it a healer? I don't know. It was someone older and wiser than I am.

Captor: Um… what?

Obi: Did you want me to throw rocks?

Captor: Will it stop your mouth from running while you do it?

Obi: No, but I'll have to talk slower. It's hard to focus, throw and talk at the same time. One day I'll perfect it though. When I'm a Jedi Knight. That won't be until I'm twenty-five though and my master dies. It's a sad say when that happens. I cry, but don't have much time to be sad because I had to promise to train the boy, train the boy, train the boy. It's all about that stupid kid. I swear.

Captor: Stop talking! Throw rocks. Yes, let's do that. Show us your abilities, not your lips.

Obi: Okay, but fair warning, I'm not a great aim. Now watch carefully, as the rock goes up and around, I pull it back like a slingshot and watch it POP! Oh, ow. Sorry. I hit your blue friend there in the private area. I told you my aim is bad. It's why Master Qui-Gon won't let me practice in our apartment or where there are living persons.

Captor: Show me more.

Obi: This rock is bigger so look out. POP! Another rock, BAM! Another, WHACK! WHAP! BANG! In the eye too! Ouch. There, all done. I took them all out. Bye, Ragget! Hey Master! I'm back!

Qui: Did you behave?

Obi: I did! Here, I got the key too. They gave it to me, well, they didn't protest when took it from Mr. Ragget after I tagged him in the eye.

Qui: Ragget?

Obi: I know, what a name! Here, I'll get you out. I can't break the cuffs, but our lightsabers are with Ragget. I think he may give them to me if I wave another rock around the room.

Qui: Explain later. Let's move.

Obi: Hey, there he is. Hi Ragget, it's me again. How's your eye? Okay? Good. We're going to leave now. Just take our sabers, thank you and cut the cuffs, thank you.

Captor: I um… what… how…

Qui: Welcome to the world of Obi-Wan Kenobi, Ragget. You are now part of my crazy life. We will be leaving now. If you follow, I will set my apprentice onto you again.

Captor: Ah um… how… uh…

Qui: Nicely done, Padawan.

Obi: Thank you, Master.

Qui: Shall we go home?

Obi: Can we stop to eat first? All that tossing rocks at people wore me out.

Qui: Indeed. How is your aim coming along?

Obi: Well, I hit the first guy just below the belt. He squealed.

Qui: Aim is improving then.

Obi: Very much so, before I would have just pegged him in the arm and that's not nearly as entertaining.

Qui: Obi-Wan. We find no entertainment in causing others physical harm.

Obi: I know. We don't. But my aim, Master. It was amazing.

Qui: I wish I would have seen it.

Obi: You would have been proud and hugged me.

Qui: Well…

Obi: Just go with the idea. It's only a theoretical hug anyway.

Qui: You did get us out of jail. That may be worth something.

Obi: Yeah?

Qui: But later. We really do need to eat.

Obi: Those thirty minutes you spent in jail were stressful, weren't they?

Qui: No, not really. I'm just hungry. We skipped breakfast.

Obi: That was not my fault. I said, let's eat, you decided to go get tossed in jail.

Qui: I did not decide to get tossed in jail. And if you want your theoretical hug to become an actual hug, you may want to cease and desist your mouth.

Obi: Ceasing and desisting, Master. I'll stuff my mouth with food, that'll keep it shut.

Qui: Somehow, I doubt it. But I'll be proud of the effort. Let's go eat.

END