Chapter 8: "Super Alchemist Grand Archmage Citrina!"
Sunday, October 27, 2002
By the time I finish showering, cleaning, and dressing myself, it is about six in the morning. Kohaku is already up, preparing breakfast.
Even though it is a Sunday, this routine is so ingrained into the both of us that it is virtually impossible to break. She and I have both been waking up at approximately this time, even on weekends, for about nine years now. This is nothing unusual to either of us.
But one thing has changed since then. The difference now is, this is also when I try to learn how to cook a little.
"Good morning, Kohaku." I greet her cordially as I enter the kitchen, having made sure my hair is thrown back.
"Good morning, Akiha-sama." She speaks with her ever-present smile. "You seem to be feeling a lot better this morning."
"Yes, well... what had happened last night had been quite a shock to my mind," I reply, slightly disaffectedly.
"Ah, you're talking about when you ran past me into your room, yes? You were as pale as a ghost." Kohaku gives me a worried look.
I sigh slightly. I can feel my usual thoughts swarming my head that I have no need to elaborate. After all, what my thoughts are, are nobody's business but my own, and just because I admit that they are shocking to me does not automatically mean that I will tell anyone about them. After all, lots of things are shocking to me.
But... at the same time, I am trying to seem less cold and unfeeling. I promised Kohaku that if she would stop thinking as a doll, that I would try to be more open about myself. And so unless it is something intensely private about myself, I usually open up a little more, as that then means that she will remember that she is a human, after all.
It seems to have worked so far.
"...You know how Seo likes to draw doujinshi for fun, correct?" I avert my gaze from her. If I look at her, I might not be able to say it.
"Yes. You have mentioned Akira-san's capabilities in drawing once or twice before, Akiha-sama." Kohaku nods in confirmation.
I sigh and take a breath. Throwing caution to the wind, I inform her.
"Last night after she left, I found she had forgotten one that she was drawing. It turned out to be what I think is a slightly fictionalized version of her, kissing a barely fictionalized version of me." I swallow slightly, and then look at her once more.
Kohaku blinks for a moment. Her smile fades. It seems she is stunned by this too. "You mean... a... yuri* doujinshi?" She seems stunned.
"I... am not sure if that is what it is or not... I dared not look past that page. But I saw enough to know that I should not allow Seo to continue on like that. I mean, I could very well sue her since the girl looks so much like me, the only difference really being manner of dress and the lack of a hairband." It looked far too much like me for it to be anything but me — there is no mistaking it.
"Ah, but what will suing Akira-san do, Akiha-sama? You know she almost never produces more than a handful of copies of her doujinshi. Most of them only go to her closest friends anyway, such as you and Hanei-san and Souka-san." She carefully begins to fry up some breakfast sausage and bacon.
"That... is true," I admit. "But it still makes me feel uneasy. I have no interest in girls that way, Kohaku. A girl cannot be my romantic partner." As if on cue, my stomach seems to roll slightly.
Kohaku giggles a bit, for some reason. I look towards her and blink, confused. "...Kohaku...?" I ask.
"A girl CANNOT be, or a girl simply hasn't tried to be? There is no physical impossibility that says a girl cannot love another girl, Akiha-sama. You know that." A little bit of a sly smile crosses her lips as she flips the meat in the pan, making it crackle with nascent life.
"Well... yes..." I concede. "But it is still impossible to have children. Girls lack the... ah... necessary parts..." I find myself flustering at thinking of it.
Because the image of Nii-san screamed into my consciousness as soon as I formulated the idea in my mind. Specifically... about a very necessary part, indeed...
It is strange. Nii-san... why do I feel that way about him, really?
Certainly, I know my reasons for saving his life. He protected me. He saved me from "him." I loved him, as a child would love a sibling, back then. The boy who would take my hand and run until I could scarcely breathe, and laugh and play and run and jump until I could not stand upright anymore. Those were what mattered to me then. Not how to be proper, or how one deals with bickering, distant relatives who are sure their plan is the one that will keep the Tohno in a position of prestige. Nor did I ever care about things that walk the night, such as I do now.
Dangerous things, like Arcueid-san and Ciel-san.
Neither of them are the sorts of women one would cross and expect to live. Ciel-san has a hard enough time accepting even my existence, merely because of what our heritage is. But we are considered more "natural" than summoned devils, and for that reason — and that reason alone — the church begrudgingly accepts our existence as long as we do not stray from the norms of humanity. This is why even a creature such as Kishima Kouma lives — while he will unrepentantly kill any who attack him, he does not thirstily seek out and destroy innocent people.
And yet... an inversion is an inversion, pure and simple — and the moment they suspect I invert, will be the countdown to my last days on this planet... for even if I do slay them, Tohno Akiha would become a murderer.
In these cases, The Demon Hunter Organization would be hunting me down along with the church, and neither of them cares for civility in such circumstances. If I have inverted, then I am always going to invert, in both of their eyes; therefore, I am as much of a monster as "he" was. My life is equally as dangerous, equally as expendable, and equally as worthless as his.
Frankly... it is a miracle that I am not dead already. How they did not find out, I do not know, but some questions are best left unanswered, and this is absolutely one of them.
I honestly would not blame them if they did kill me — after all, I did give in to my inversion impulse, however slight. I did not kill my victims as "he" did, but I still drained them of blood. I did it under the ruse and guise of keeping Nii-san alive. Such a foolish idea. A foolish idea from a foolish girl, foolishly clinging onto a foolish hope that he could see her as more than his sister...
Nii-san needed me no longer. With "him" gone, Nii-san could have had his stolen lifeforce returned to him. All I had to do was will it to return, and it would have.
But... since I killed "him," Nii-san's lifeforce was now trapped inside me, and "his" soul came along with it, whispering suggestions and thoughts into my ear... suggestions and thoughts that I was ultimately powerless to ignore, in the heat of the passion from my murder. As a result, I was now the one plundering Nii-san's life, in some vain, foolish attempt to make him mine. Threats. Intimidation. Coercion. All for such a foolish thing... a thing that as deeply as I would desire it, seems simply not to be.
Were it not for the look in those bright, blue eyes that looked into mine, eyes so similar to mine, as he straddled me in the hallway of his school, his knife held firmly and tight, there could only have been two outcomes.
One, would be that the demon impersonating Tohno Akiha had proved she no longer was human by killing the thing she desired most, above all others.
Two, would be that Tohno Shiki would cease to exist in mental if not physical terms, and that Tohno Akiha would also have ceased to exist for good, her life gone and her body cooling one last time.
This time I notice Kohaku is about to shake me gently. I speak up before I do so.
"I know, Kohaku. I am "spacing out" as you put it?" I look at her, crossing my arms.
"Ah... Y-yes, Akiha-sama." She nods slightly, and withdraws her hand. "You have been out of it much more than usual lately. Are you... sure everything is alright?"
I sigh. "...No. I am not." I look away slightly. I do not want her to see the pain so clearly in my face as I speak. "Kohaku... a year ago... do you... ever feel regret for what happened?"
Out of the corner of my eye, I see her smile fade. "Regret...?"
"Yes, Kohaku. Surely you know what regret is, correct?"
"Well... yes, Akiha-sama, I do." Kohaku nods slowly. "And... yes, I feel regret over it."
Good. Then, I am not the only one having issues coming to terms with it. I breathe a slight sigh of relief. Then...
"Kohaku... what do you do to make yourself not think about it?" I lean back slightly against the counter, looking outside the windows of the kitchen, at the sky that's only beginning to gain a faint hint of sunlight. If she feels the way I do... then maybe she can also give me a hint as to how to deal with it...
"What do I do?" She blinks, not used to me being so forthright or honest perhaps. Or to me questioning her so. "Well... I think of the happier times, really. I think of seeing how you smiled as you talked to Shiki-san, and how happy you were when you knew he was coming home. But I turned that into jealousy because of some insane scheme..."
For the first time in a long time, Kohaku looks... depressed. A frown on a face such as hers makes even my heart break. She is certainly better than I am at dealing with her emotions. Which is rather ironic, when one remembers that a year ago, she essentially showed no emotion at all, regardless of how much she was suffering, or whatever she felt at the moment... it was always a cheerful smile.
No, it was not a cheerful smile. It was a twisted smile. One warped by the abuse she suffered on a daily basis for years on end, with me being none the wiser.
...A sickening image pops into my head of Kohaku, missing her arms and legs, merely a torso on a bed. "Don't worry, Akiha-sama!" she says as she tries to bend her torso into a sitting upright position. "As soon as the prosthetics get in, I'll trim the hedges just like you ordered."
I shiver involuntarily, and resist the urge to vomit, as well as immediately shake the image out of my head.
"I cannot ignore what I did, Akiha-sama, much as you cannot ignore what you did. I feel regret for bringing it to that point. But I look at Shiki-san, and am surprised how easily he was over it. A few days later, it was as if he'd simply stopped fussing over what he did, and just lived the next day as a brand new one." Kohaku nods with conviction.
...Well... her words do make sense, I suppose. After all... the past is the past and it is immutable to change. That is why it is the past. We cannot affect the past, no matter what... but... the future... that IS something we can affect and change.
"...A brand new day, eh..." I hold my elbow in the palm of my other hand as my fingers of my first hand find my chin and rub.
I suppose she does have a point. That seems to be Nii-san's attitude on life in general, honestly. Live every day as a new day, and do not regret the choices you made, because if you do, you will drive yourself insane...
...It makes sense.
Nii-san, perhaps more than anyone else, has more experience with death than most people ever will want. Not just due to him saving my life as "he" nearly ended mine, but also because of his eyes. Eyes that those who hunt Demons have. Eyes that could kill even what most would consider unkillable.
...And because of that, he does not view death as something to be feared. Instead, to him, it is a natural occurrence, and he carries no fear of whether his wounds will be fatal.
...Perhaps that instant is when Tohno Akiha stopped loving her brother as a brother, and began worshiping him as a hero. An idol. Someone to look up to, someone to aspire to be...
...Yes. That must be it. That must be when I fell in love with Nii-san. Because he willingly gave up his life so I could have mine. And because I gave up some of mine so that he would not have to lose his. And dealt with the ever-present chills in my body and the mind-blinding pain, and did it all just so I could see him return someday, see his smile, feel his precious warmth, hear his dulcet voice, and it would all light the furnace inside my body...
...Then, I would be alive again.
"...I think you make a good point, Kohaku. Perhaps we should follow Nii-san's example. The past is the past, and that cannot be changed. We may regret it the rest of our lives if we keep thinking like this, so perhaps we should just live for tomorrow, and forge newer, happier memories for us all."
Her depression lifts upon hearing my words, and I see her smile and bow slightly. "Yes, Akiha-sama. I think you're right."
I cannot help but smile myself. "Then it is settled. We will not dwell anymore on feeling guilty over a year ago. We will just focus on today and tomorrow, every day, for the rest of our lives."
Kohaku smiles happily, and resumes preparing breakfast.
"...Although I do still have to talk to you about two nights ago."
Kohaku fumbles the spatula.
In the end, the explanation for how that work got done turned out to be quite simple. Kohaku called it "Miracle Worker Formula Amber." She also showed me the tape in her bedroom to prove it, as it is the only television in the house. Scarcely an hour after she had come in and drugged me, I got out of bed, went to the table, and signed, signed, signed, far faster than I would have normally had I been depressed and angry over having to do it.
I watch as I sign papers like a woman possessed, my arms crossed and my eyes surely slightly wide as they take in the sight of me on the television.
"I am amazed I do not remember this at all, Kohaku. You could have taken advantage of me and I would have never known a thing." I watch incredulously as, like some sort of robot, I endlessly do my job. Sign. Stack. Sign. Stack. Sign. Stack.
"The old Kohaku might have, Akiha-sama," she replies, "but not this one. You always get moody when presented with such a large stack of papers, so I decided I would try this. Although, if you did not like it, I will not do it again."
I sigh. As appreciative as I am of that drug, it is not something I should take with regularity. Although I trust Kohaku with my life and my secrets, I cannot just blindly sign such papers. What if one of them were an execution request by one of our extended family's more, shall we say, "showy" members? The last thing I need to read in the paper is "Nakagaki Ryouji was arrested for murder after police found him skipping rope with the intestines of an unidentified male..."
Needless to say, such a situation could be dangerous, and the last thing I need to be fighting are legal lawsuits along with supernatural foes. As powerful as I am, even I have my limits, and I cannot possibly be everywhere at once.
"The drug will only be used for emergencies. I prefer to sign most of these papers in a conscious mind." I look at her as I state my second sentence, and make my tone firm and clear, so she knows it is an order.
Kohaku bows deeply, signaling her submissiveness. "I understand fully, Akiha-sama. Then I will make it only if you request it."
"Good," I say in reply. "Then that matter is settled, Kohaku." I look back towards the television. Sign. Stack. Sign. Stack. Sign. Stack.
Still... I must confess that I am impressed. It would not take much to drug a normal human, but even the small amount of demon blood inside me generally renders me more resistant to such drugging. The amount Kohaku had to prepare for me might have been enough to make a normal human appear as The Dead.
"...Thank you anyway, Kohaku."
"Eh?" She seems surprised. "...Thank you, Akiha-sama...? What do you mean...?"
"Yes. Thank you. You were trying to help me get my work done. So even if it is not the manner I generally would have approved in, you have my thanks. Although please do not repeat it without my consent."
She just nods and bows once more. "As you wish, Akiha-sama."
I walk over to the videocassette player and push the stop button, stopping the video. I have seen enough.
"Well then," I announce to her. "I shall be calling Seo now and inform her that she left her book over here."
Kohaku giggles for some reason. She tried to hold it in, but her rapidly shrugging shoulders betray her attempt to remain stoic.
"...What is so funny?" I cross my arms and look at her more deeply. At this, she cannot hold it in anymore, and bursts out into complete laughter.
It is making me angrier, certainly. Am I... being treated like a fool?ǃ Of course I would return it, it is Seo's, not mine, and I would expect Seo to return my things if I had left them at her place, as well! Since this is not mine, it is only natural that I return it! This is not a foolish action!
"Kohaku! Answer me!" It comes out loud and sharp.
"A-Akiha-sama," she manages to choke out, taking a moment to stifle the involuntary spasms. "May I speak freely for a moment?"
...Hm. A rare request from Kohaku. But whenever she asks it, it usually is very interesting to hear. And admittedly, I would like to hear this myself.
"...Alright," I say. "Permission granted." I stare her down, arms crossed and eyes narrowed, and await her words.
"Akiha-sama... let's just say you have a lot to learn about love and relationships." And with a smile and a bow, she walks out of her room.
...
...I...
...Am speechless.
What exactly does she mean by that?ǃ I know full well about love and relationships! They are a basic item of the human condition; every human who has ever lived has relationships of some kind!
But by the time I come to my senses to raise a complaint, Kohaku is long gone. I sigh in exasperation, and strike the desk in her room with my fist. I know she will be tending to the grounds, but the grounds are so large that playing "Find the Aproned Devil" would have far too little reward for a treasure hunt. And the guard dogs on the grounds will not hunt her down. If anything, they are more likely to hunt ME down than her, at that... who knows what she has done to them.
Perhaps now is a good time to call Seo. If nothing else, she will probably at least be happy to know I have found her book.
* Yuri - literally "Lily." In this context, it refers to the concept of any sort of girl romance doujinshi, not just sexual ones as Western manga fans have used this term for. The equivalent western term would be "Shoujo-ai" which in Japan nearly always denotes sexualized manga of a lolicon nature. Since this is Akiha and Japan, "Yuri" would be the correct word, and not "Shoujo-ai."
A servant. A friend. A confidant.
Kohaku is all of these things to me, and more.
But... relationship advisor? I can handle this on my own.
Next Week (8/1/10) - Chapter 9: "Drawn Together"