Chapter 10: "What's love got to do with it?"
Several hours and a good nap later, I re-awaken and prepare things for tomorrow. I lay out my school uniform, ensure all of my papers, textbooks, and necessary things are inside of my bag, and begin studying my notes and texts, ensuring that I have memorized what I need to know as much as possible.
I have studied for perhaps an hour when a knock on the door interrupts my thoughts. "Akiha-sama, dinner is ready. Are you going to eat now?"
As if on cue, my stomach rudely growls. It sounds quite greedy today. To be fair, I have been ignoring it somewhat as of late. Perhaps it was spoiled by last night's Au Gratin dish.
"...Yes. I will be out shortly, Kohaku."
"Very well, Akiha-sama. I will set the table." Her gentle footsteps walk off towards the dining hall.
I set my pen and papers down and sigh a little bit, stretching hard and feeling the whole of my being tense and then melt. It is a pleasant feeling when one has been in a chair for some time. I neatly stack my papers and close my textbook before standing up and heading to the dining hall.
Kohaku is there, serving my plate. "Ah, perfect timing, Akiha-sama. I was just dishing this out as you can see."
I take my seat, and wait until Kohaku returns to her chair after dishing her own meal out. "Well then. Itadakimasu!" And with that, I begin to eat my fill. After yesterday's Western-styled dish, today's more traditional Japanese cuisine is a welcome return to stability.
Stability has perhaps been a factor in my life that has been lacking since a year ago, with Nii-san helping both Ciel-san and Arcueid-san. Truth be told, I still do not approve of his sojourns, but Nii-san is more or less a grown man now. Never once has he failed to return home. He may be quite badly injured, but they are never life-threatening. If anything, it gives me precious time with him. To take care of him. To attend to him. To smile for him. To make him feel comfortable.
I may not be his wife, nor his lover, but I am still his sister. And this, I will always be, to my death and beyond.
Perhaps I feel I owe an eternal debt to Nii-san, one that I could never repay no matter how hard I tried, even if I gave him my very body and soul. Perhaps that is why I love him so...
I hear a giggle from across the table. I look up slightly. "Akiha-sama, your stomach seems to be interested in food, but your mind isn't. You're thinking about Shiki-san, aren't you?"
Ah... she is observant.
"...I am. But how did you know?" I lift my glass to my lips and drink. Iced tea, today, but it goes well with this dish.
Kohaku giggles once more. "Because your face looked much like Akira-san's face as she walked back towards me."
Eh...?
"W, What do you mean, Kohaku?" I find myself taking another sip of my drink, as my throat has suddenly felt tight and somewhat dry.
"Well, let's see... rosy cheeks, staring into space... you licked your lips slightly, even." Her lips begin to curl slightly in the corners of her mouth.
"I, I did not!" I cross my arms in defiance. This just makes Kohaku laugh. It drowns me out as if it were a chorus of jeers. A few moments later, Kohaku has regained her breathing, and speaks.
"Akiha-sama, you are a very intelligent young woman, as Makihisa-sama wanted. But you cannot learn all about life just from books. For some things, there are no manuals. Love is one of them." Her smile simply widens even more.
"D-Don't be silly, Kohaku! I know full well about love!" I feel the blood pulsating in my cheeks.
"Oh?" She props her elbows on the table and rests her chin on one of her closed fists, her other gesturing slightly with her chopsticks. "Then tell me, Akiha-sama. What is love?" She draws out a heart with the points.
Such rude and forthright behavior, especially when it is coming from a mere servant... well, Kohaku is not technically my servant anymore, but she insists on continuing to fulfill these roles on the weekends, at least. So, although to most it would seem like a typical servile relationship, I view Kohaku more as a honored guest who happens to indulge me selflessly.
On these grounds, then, I shall answer her.
"It is when a man and a woman feel a mutual attraction to each other. They become a couple, and show their affection and love in various ways." I try to focus on calming myself down. A question like this is nothing to be embarrassed about, so why am I...?ǃ
"Like what, Akiha-sama?" She scoops up some rice with her chopsticks and puts it into her mouth.
Ergh. She is pressing me. But that is okay, I know the answers.
"Well, ah, they hug each other. And kiss. And hold hands. And..."
...I am drawing a blank. This is not good.
"And?" Kohaku gives a slight grin. A grin that signifies victory. No, I will not give in that easily!
"...And... ah... dating at movies and restaurants and such!" Ha! That will show you, Thieving Cat!
"Good, good... now, what else?" Her grin widens.
Gah! I clench my teeth. This is not going to plan. I desperately wrack my brain, trying to think of what else...
"Would you like an answer, Akiha-sama?" Her eyes narrow slightly as her smile curls even more. Her expression is absolutely like that of a cat.
I sigh. I... honestly cannot think of anything else. "...Fine. But this does not mean I'm an imbecile about it, you know!" I cross my arms and look at her sharply.
Kohaku giggles. "Don't worry, Akiha-sama. You've never experienced this sort of love in your life, so I don't think you'd know about it."
"Well then, speak of it, Miss Expert." I try to imagine my gaze alone piercing through her, but Kohaku cheerfully ignores it.
She gives a grin of victory. "It's simple, Akiha-sama. Sex!"
S...Sex?ǃ
"Th, That's not something a couple does! That is something that is done to consummate marriage!"
There is a THUD as Kohaku completely loses it, falling off of her chair. Her laughter echoes throughout the otherwise empty dining hall.
"Wh, What did I say that's so funnyǃ? That's the truth! The, ah, the husband will deflower the bride on their wedding night..."
I blush a bit at the thought. Well... I mean, I certainly know enough to know about THAT. The male, well... puts himself inside the female. And it creates a child. That is what the books all said, anyway.
But, truth be told... I do not truly know. As Nii-san was not interested in that sort of relationship, I suppose I might be untouched in that way until I find a replacement husband more suitable. But still...
...I really only want it to be Nii-san.
That strange heat fills my cheeks and stomach once more. The last time I felt my cheeks and stomach getting this hot... it was nearly a year ago. Not too long after we had battled nearly to an arguably mutual death a year ago, I noticed that the amount of bandages that Nii-san had was getting low in his bathroom, and I had the misfortune to replace them as he was drying off after showering, and, well... I saw "it."
I had never felt the blood rush from my head to my cheeks as fast, before or since. It was all I could do to not faint.
Of course, I quickly apologized, left the bandages on the nearest counter, and excused myself with utmost rapidity, but still, I could not help but think about the fact I had seen it...
But the strangest thing of all, was I kept thinking about it... both the incident, as well as what I saw. And I kept wishing that he would change his mind, that he would say yes.
I wanted to be Nii-san's wife... maybe not publicly, but privately, it was my deepest and greatest desire. It would be but a simple matter to pay some other male to be my public husband, but privately... my bed, my love, my life, my blood, and my body would be for Nii-san and Nii-san alone. For Nii-san, I would do almost anything. Even "that."
But it seems it is not to be. Nii-san seems to love Kohaku more than he will love me, and I must resignedly accept it, even though some of me screams to kill her and he will be mine. But that is "him" trying to speak to me, and I am stronger than "he" ever was, and in time, those voices will fade to whispers, and then to nothingness. Then "he" will truly be no more. As he belongs. For that voice is just a demon, pretending to be someone whom I also loved and lost nine years ago...
I notice Kohaku staggering up from the floor, still laughing slightly and holding her ribs.
"Well, I hope it was truly amusing to you, Kohaku!" I cross my arms and look away. I am truly mad at her right now. She is treating me like some naive fool. I am not Hanei! Of course I knew that, I just didn't remember it!
"Akiha-sama," she manages to say. "Do not be embarrassed by that. As I said, it's only natural you do not know. You are still a virgin. But the truth of the matter is, very few people nowadays are virgins on their wedding nights."
"Yes, well... I shall be, until I find a husband. As Nii-san loves you, I must find another." I close my eyes slightly and look away from her.
Out of the corner of my eyes, I see that she frowns slightly. I think sometimes she does think that she "stole" Nii-san from me. Well, good, she should. Thief cat...
With a slight sigh and a smile, Kohaku's expression returns to her usual kind demeanor. "Akiha-sama. Do you know what they say about love? One cannot help whom you fall in love with, and that it is pointless to fight it."
...That is true. I said that myself, at that.
"So, much as you have fallen for Shiki-san and desire him the most, perhaps Akira-san has fallen for you in the same way," she says rather coolly.
"But I am a female as she is, Kohaku! I cannot... love her that way! Two girls cannot... you know..." I fluster at the thought of finishing my thought.
"Have sex?" She giggles evilly. I shiver at the sound of it.
"Well... y-yes. I do not have that particular anatomy. And from Akira's gym outfit, she does not seem to have it either. I, ah, would've... noticed... the deformation... there..."
Kohaku falls off of her chair. Her laughter echoes throughout the hall once more.
I sigh, frustrated. This... is getting me absolutely nowhere.
Mercifully, perhaps, Kohaku packs up her things after dinner is finished and the plates are cleaned. It is still strange to see her in such plain clothing such as T-shirts and jeans. But then again, who am I to tell her what clothes she is to wear? She is no longer technically in my employ, so if the other branch of our family allows her to do such things, I have no true say in it.
"Well, Akiha-sama. Farewell for now." She smiles warmly. "I shall see you again Friday night. If Shiki-san returns during that time, please give him my regards."
"Of course, Kohaku." I smile. "I am sure he will manage the pain a little better knowing that. He is fairly likely to return home during that time, so I shall pass along your message."
With a final deep bow, she collects her bag an exits out the door, walking towards the waiting taxi that will bring her back to her "usual" job. Much like with Seo earlier, I watch it until it is out of sight, and then I close the door.
...Love, huh. I take a deep breath and then sigh.
Well, it is only natural that Seo is finding things she wishes to love and hold dear to her. A girl her age is certainly capable of feeling such emotions, and knowing them, but perhaps not knowing how to express them. It would be foolish, after all, to think that Seo is still so young that she does not have ideas about romance, or wants or desires of such things.
...After all, I knew I loved Nii-san and wanted to be his companion ever since I was eight. Obviously, I did not know the romantic or sexual aspects of such a relationship then, but... I knew that I wanted to be by his side from that day, every day, until the day one of us died, and I knew the other would likely follow shortly no matter what.
I wanted to wake up, to see his face every day. And, like an innocent little girl, I occasionally daydreamed about kissing him on the cheek every morning.
I sigh once more, with a slight sense of nostalgia this time, as I walk back to my chair in the sitting room, and think about this more intently.
Seo is trying to find an outlet for that which she cannot express in the way she desires. She probably knows I would reject her if she asked me that, but on paper, in a world which she can create and change to her whim, I would not say any such thing.
Indeed, in such a world, perhaps I would be the one desiring her, in secret. I would not put such a thought behind Seo. She may appear very cute and innocent, but the girl knows more than what her mere look lets on. I have known her too long to be fooled by such cute exteriors.
...Then again, Seo, Souka, and Hanei are roommates and friends. Friends, yes, but not close friends. We enjoy each other's company, but... I do not think any of them would be THAT close to me.
Souka is far too inelegant, unladylike. Otou-sama would have never let her in the house. Perhaps not even if she were wearing her school outfit, as even with that on, Souka looks very similar to a boy. If her chest were bigger, this might not be a problem, but if Souka gets a bigger chest than me, there will be no justice in this world whatsoever. It would take a very brave sort to want someone like Souka, but it is not like she is unlikeable. She simply has different ideas on what being a woman is about than most; a brave, new idea of expressing herself in nontraditional ways. I could see her gaining a few admirers as a result of her straightforward, honest self, for with Souka, there are no false fronts — what you see is what you get. It seems to be a credo she personally lives by.
Hanei is the exact opposite problem. While she is quite ladylike and classy, her problem is that she does not fully understand various things. You could tell Hanei that the green tea she is drinking is the finest blend of Gyokuro money can buy, and she will not know the difference from that and a can of green tea one would purchase from a vending machine. In other words, Hanei is more of a blind follower — a fatal flaw for one trying to be a lady, at least, one without a male to take charge and allow her to be more of a supportive role. Regardless, with the right person at her side, Hanei could be very elegant, graceful, and ladylike, and with plenty of good looks and natural feminine charm to back it up, and whomever she would be at the side of would find her loyalty is second to none.
Seo could potentially play the part, but her stock is working-class stock, not elegance. Still, Seo's father is a rather famous brewer. His drinks have won plenty of awards in both Misaki and elsewhere in Japan. I will confess to having had some of them, and they are indeed potent. There is little wonder why despite her small body, Seo could drink each and every one of us under the table, even myself. Obviously, she is still rather young to be thinking about things like her distant future, but she will be confronting that sooner rather than later. Her cheerful personality is sure to get some notice from people... I just hope that whatever happens to her, she picks someone very carefully and wisely. Love is not something you randomly experiment with... you find one that you want, and you take it. Or they'll be gone...
...I sense a presence standing there, quiet and still. I open my eyes. Something brown and white enters my field of vision.
Hisui.
"Yes, Hisui?" I look up at her face.
"Akiha-sama, is everything alright?" As usual, her hands are clasped in front of her, and she is waiting politely.
"It is fine, Hisui. Why do you ask?" I nod slightly, an indication that I have received her formality. She bows slightly, and takes a more natural standing pose.
"Well, usually you only sit in that chair at this time of night when you are drinking or deep in thought. As I have not seen any drink, I was a bit worried you were obsessing, Akiha-sama." Her face gives a subtle hint of worry.
"...Hisui. How would you react to finding out someone is in love with you?" I throw the question out, just to gauge her reaction.
"Eh?" She blinks and puts her hand up to her chest for a moment. She is no doubt surprised by the sudden question.
"Let us say that a friend of yours turned out to be in love with you. How would you respond to that?" Now, to test her reply.
"Ah... well... I... don't know, Akiha-sama. I've never been in that situation before." ...As expected.
"...Mmm. I see." That got me nowhere, sadly.
"...If I may ask, Akiha-sama, why did you ask me that?" Her eyes blink, showing that her mind is attempting to reach a logical conclusion.
I sigh. Kohaku might be knowledgeable in these things, but Hisui? Probably not... "It is nothing of real importance, Hisui. Just an odd thought going through my head. Could you please prepare the bath?"
Hisui bows gracefully and elegantly. "Of course, Akiha-sama. Please excuse me then." Her footsteps walk off. They are not as elegant as Kohaku's, but they were always more involved in her work, somehow.
I resume my thoughts over this situation. If Seo is truly in love with me, despite both being female, then...
...Then what...?
How do two females even love each other in that manner? None of the books I read ever elaborated on such a thing. I mean, certainly two females could still hug and kiss and hold hands and see movies together.
But... if it came to sex... how? It is just not possible, is it? Not unless one of them somehow gains male organs...
Certainly that option exists for those with the money. But Seo's father would likely not want to have a son all of a sudden. And I know for a fact I am NOT going to attach such a grotesque thing to my body. The money would be better spent on increasing my breasts.
...Perhaps female-female love is purely of a platonic and lightly emotional kind, similar to a Class S relationship but a bit more involved? That is still fully within the realms of possibility. A year ago, while "he" had more control of my mind than I did, as I drank Kohaku's blood from her breast, a sudden impulse lashed over me to lick and taste her nipple for some inexplicable reason, perhaps due to "him." Such an action made Kohaku shiver. Obviously, a woman could still do these things to another...
Furthermore, it is not PHYSICALLY impossible for one girl to kiss another, of course. Kohaku did that to me a few days ago. And then she pushed drugs down my throat. Drugs that let me work, albeit without remembering a thing.
...Well, maybe if that is the sort of thing she wants, to feel closer to someone, I can do that. But I draw the line at kissing and such things. Those sorts of things are not things one does with friends. One spends time with them, yes, but one does not kiss them like in the manner Seo drew. At the most, a simple kiss on the cheek, is the extent of a kiss one gives to friends.
...Ah, but wait. Commitment is important for love, too, is it not? Commitment is something I would perhaps be seriously lacking in.
Not by choice. I am simply a very busy woman. I am attaining an education, pursuing hobbies, and dealing with all of the grievances and issues of all of our extended bloodlines. In addition to keeping this area more or less safe, and being called upon now and then to help exterminate bigger, larger threats that Arcueid-san and Ciel-san cannot take upon alone.
Seo, in contrast, is able to live a far more carefree life. I would not be surprised if her days consisted of going to school and drawing doujinshi, with the only necessary breaks being for things such as sleeping, eating, and so on.
...How I envy such a simple life.
Even if, hypothetically, I were interested, I would not have very much time to devote to her. And there is always the slim chance that one day, I will not return home, having been felled attempting to protect people like her from far greater dangers. Or worse... that I somehow inverted again. Nii-san would be the last person I would want to turn on, but Seo, Souka, and Hanei would be second last.
I sigh. The life of Tohno Akiha is not an easy one to balance. It never has been, and at times it seems like just when it cannot get any more difficult, it does. Seo's doujinshi just increased the load further, as now I have to try to figure out an answer to a question when in truth I do not even know the answer myself...
"Akiha-sama, the bath is prepared." Hisui's voice echoes down the otherwise empty hallways.
"...Thank you, Hisui," I call back. I get up from the chair, scratch an itch on my right forearm, and head for the bathroom.
...Love? Feh, who cares about that?
It is not like I have use for it, anyway.
I have bigger things to deal with.
Next Week (8/15/10) - Chapter 11: "Memories of Red"