Sticks and Stones

Obi-Wan discovers that Qui-Gon is getting badmouthed around the Temple.

Originally posted in 2020

Obi: Master, did you know you were an arrogant snot and a pompous ass?

Qui: Excuse me?

Obi: I'm not making it up.

Qui: Obi-Wan...

Obi: And before you threaten to wash my mouth with soap or make me eat my braid, I didn't call you those things.

Qui: I believe you just did.

Obi: I didn't.

Qui: Your mouth. Your lips. Your voice.

Obi: Okay, yes I said them, but I didn't come up with the idea of using them. Someone else said them.

Qui: And they are making you say them? Are you being manipulated?

Obi: No, no one is that brave to get close enough to me to do that.

Qui: They are wise.

Obi: They are.

Qui: So, who's words are they?

Obi: Master Da'mith.

Qui: Who?

Obi: Da'mith? I think that's his name. Sometimes it's hard to tell, he's so busy yelling about how you are worthless and arrogant and then he keeps saying the word malfeasance over and over. I had to look that one up. He said it so loud that I actually think I saw the exclamation point after it. Boy, he sure doesn't like you, Master. I tried to introduce myself to him and defend you, but he was immune. That takes talent to avoid me.

Qui: Indeed.

Obi: It was like I just bounced off him. But then I started thinking about it. you are kinda arrogant sometimes.

Qui: It's not arrogance, Obi-Wan, it is knowledge.

Obi: Oh, he also called you a snotty know-it-all.

Qui: I see.

Obi: And he wanted to know who your boss was. That confused me, isn't the Council all our bosses? Or do they only talk down and backwards to me and you?

Qui: They are the boss of me.

Obi: Yes! No, wait. He said that too. The exact words were, Qui-Gon Jinn is not the boss of me!

Qui: Why would I be the boss of him?

Obi: I guess because you're a pompous ass.

Qui: Do not say that again.

Obi: Not my words, Master.

Qui: Yet, you keep saying them.

Obi: Right. I should have defended you, yes?

Qui: Yes. I would have defended you.

Obi: He did call me a mouthy smart ass.

Qui: Well, that's rather close to being accurate.

Obi: Master!

Qui: Tell me that I'm wrong.

Obi: Okay, you're not wrong, but you said you'd defend me.

Qui: Against lies and untruths, yes.

Obi: So if you really are an arrogant snot and a pompous ass, then you're okay with me not defending you?

Qui: I am not those things.

Obi: But you see how that mistake may have been made.

Qui: I do not.

Obi: You walk straight, stiff back. Head high. You always disagree with the Council. And you think your way is the right way. So, you pretty much cover all bases... if one didn't know the real you of course.

Qui: I see.

Obi: Would you have have been mad at me if I defended you and then got in trouble with Council?

Qui: Yes.

Obi: And you are mad that I didn't defend you.

Qui: Yes.

Obi: So, I can't win?

Qui: Unlikely.

Obi: Do you know Master Da'mith?

Qui: He is... busy. He spends much time criticizing others and very little time doing what he should be doing.

Obi: What should he be doing, Master?

Qui: What do you and I do?

Obi: Oh, Jedi stuff. That's what we do, right?

Qui: Perhaps it's best that you did not defend me.

Obi: I can go do it now. I'm sure he's still out there rambling on about you. He's been doing it for a while now.

Qui: How long exactly?

Obi: About six months.

Qui: And I am just now hearing about it?

Obi: Well, you always tell me that you want no part of listening to me babble about my days.

Qui: And yet you babble all the time about your days.

Obi: Only bits and pieces.

Qui: You babble for two hours a night.

Obi: Bits and pieces. If I'd babbled about everything, you'd not ever sleep.

Qui: In all these six months, you never thought that Da'mith's comments were important or of interest to me?

Obi: I did not.

Qui: Why?

Obi: You never care about what other people think about you, Master, you tell me how unimportant it is to worry on the impressions of others. I'm obeying you. Isn't that what you want me to do? Listen and obey?

Qui: Certainly, but you've never done that before. Now you start?

Obi: Gotta start sometime.

Qui: How about you show me where Da'mith is.

Obi: That's not a good idea.

Qui: Why?

Obi: I don't want you to fight with him.

Qui: Why would I fight with him?

Obi: Because he's talking smack about you to the entire Temple.

Qui: Smack?

Obi: Sorry, it's padawan talk.

Qui: He's saying these things to the entire Temple?

Obi: Close enough. He's in dining hall.

Qui: Obi-Wan.

Obi: Master, it's not my fault. I go there to eat. I can't avoid him.

Qui: I've not seen him there.

Obi: It's usually lunch time.

Qui: Why are you in the dining hall at lunch? You have class.

Obi: I can't learn on an empty stomach.

Qui: Are you actually attending your class?

Obi: After I eat.

Qui: How long does it take you to eat?

Obi: Depends.

Qui: Depends on?

Obi: What I eat, who I eat with, how much I talk while I eat. You know, the usual.

Qui: Of course.

Obi: Master?

Qui: Yes.

Obi: I think we've strayed from the point.

Qui: We have. I blame you.

Obi: I know. I'm okay with that.

Qui: About Master Da'mith.

Obi: What about him?

Qui: Obi-Wan.

Obi: Oh, right. The whole arrogant snot, pompous ass thing.

Qui: Say that one more time and I will be feeding you your braid after I slice it off with a lightsaber.

Obi: Again, not my words. I really don't know where this conversation is supposed to go now, Master. I mean, I told you what he said. What do we do now?

Qui: We go correct him.

Obi: We?

Qui: It's your fault that I know about this.

Obi: You'd be okay with not knowing about what he was doing?

Qui: Possibly.

Obi: And now?

Qui: Now, he must pay. I must get my revenge. There is only revenge.

Obi: Uh, what?

Qui: What, what?

Obi: You said you need to get revenge. That's not like you. And your eyes got all weird, narrow and glassy.

Qui: That was not me.

Obi: But it was.

Qui: You saw and heard nothing.

Obi: But I did.

Qui: Obi-Wan.

Obi: Okay, fine. I saw nothing.

Qui: And heard nothing.

Obi: Yes, that too.

Qui: Good.

Obi: Sooooo... now what? I keep asking.

Qui: I shall speak to Da'mith.

Obi: And I am... coming with you?

Qui: Yes, I may need a shield.

Obi: You want me to defend you with my lightsaber? Yes! Finally!

Qui: No, I may need to throw you at him if he gets irritating enough and I need to walk away.

Obi: Hmm. You can't just walk away without tossing your apprentice at a rambling madman?

Qui: I did not say he was a madman.

Obi: Only because you've not heard him go on and on about you.

Qui: Do you wish to come with me or not?

Obi: Not?

Qui: Tough. You are my apprentice, you must do as I say.

Obi: Master?

Qui: Yes?

Obi: You are sort of living up to what Master Da'mith is babbling. I mean, listen to yourself.

Qui: Arrogant?

Obi: Kinda.

Qui: Pompous?

Obi: Kinda.

Qui: Ass?

Obi: Well...

Qui: Perhaps I should not go and confront Da'mith.

Obi: Maybe not.

Qui: But he must not be permitted to stand in the dining hall and say such things about a fellow Jedi.

Obi: Master, I can take care of it.

Qui: Did you not already have the opportunity?

Obi: I did, but I didn't really have your permission, so I wasn't at full power.

Qui: Since when do you need my permission to harass people within the Temple? Normally you just do things and I hear about them later.

Obi: But this is different. This isn't he Council or Master Brazo or Healer Terran. Or even Archives Mary.

Qui: True.

Obi: But I'd be glad to go and talk to Master Da'mith.

Qui: You'll make certain he stops and never returns to do the same again?

Obi: You are well aware of the power I possess.

Qui: Indeed I am. All too well at times.

Obi: Just say the word and I will go to work. But, I need one thing from you.

Qui: I am not hugging you. If I hug you, you'll get strange and weak legged and mushy. No time for that.

Obi: Fine. But when my mission is successful?

Qui: Are you certain it will be?

Obi: Are you an arrogant snot and pompous ass?

Qui: Obi-Wan.

Obi: Sorry, couldn't resist. I am very certain, Master. Give me thirty minutes and this problem is solved. Master Da'mith won't even know what hit him.

Qui: I look forward to hearing the stories.

Obi: You want me to tell you a story?

Qui: Not you, him.

Obi: Oh, boring. My stories are so much better than the ones that are actually about me.

Qui: Your stories are very long and very rambling and very exhausting and no.

Obi: You sure?

Qui: Positive. But please use that energy on Da'mith

Obi: You'll protect me from the Council?

Qui: You won't need it. They won't want to be anywhere near you once you start.

Obi: Truth.

Qui: You ready?

Obi: Yes, Master.

Qui: Then go, my young padawan. Harass and annoy at will. May the Force be with you.

Obi: I won't need the Force. Though I still think I deserve a hug when I get back. Just one? A little one? I promise not to leech.

Qui: One. When you return. Assuming you were successful in your mission.

Obi: Never doubt me.

Qui: Go on now.

Obi: I'm off to defend your honor!

Qui: Or at least to stop his rambling. One rambling Jedi is enough in the Temple.

Obi: Aww, Master, you mean me, don't you?

Qui: I do.

Obi: I feel the love!

Qui: Whatever you say, Obi-Wan. Off you go. Complete your mission and I will hug you upon your return.

Obi: You sure I can't just sneak a hug in before...

Qui: Go now or I withdraw the offer.

Obi: Damn! Okay. I'm out! Here I come Master Da'mith! Coming to defend my arrogant snotty pompous ass Master!

Qui: Obi-Wan!

Obi: Sorry. Couldn't resist. Bye!

END