Chapter 17: "Confessions of a Teenage Kojin Saakuru"*
I am surprisingly impatient today compared to most days. The bell for lunchtime seems to take forever to ring, and every time I look at the clock it seems that time has moved only an instant or two forward. My usual patience is profoundly missing today.
Why? That is simple. Because I know my target is here, and she will not evade my grasp today.
I find myself mulling over my words. They must be carefully, yet decisively chosen. Anything too weak will allow Seo to sniff out my plan, and I cannot have that. This confrontation MUST occur. She dodged it yesterday, but I cannot just allow her to walk all over me with such impunity.
...Well, it is simple, really. Lunch is coming up. Why not make it under the guise of having lunch?
Yes. That will be a good idea. After all, Seo and I both have to eat. Tohno Akiha is human enough that she still needs food just like a full human, along with other necessities of human life such as sleeping, the bathroom, and so on. I cannot escape these things.
I stare at the clock. My work is finished, and has been for some time, but today, Sensei is not letting us out even a second early. I rue this fact. These are seconds when I could track down Seo, and put my plan into motion...!
Eventually, however, the bell does signal our 45 minutes allotted for lunch. With surprising speed even to myself, I lift – no, I almost hurdle – myself out of the chair, and nearly run to the cafeteria. Seo will very likely be there, so I will have to drag her out under the pretense of having lunch with her so I can corner her properly.
I arrive and scan over the tables for slightly short girls with short purple hair. There are not very many purple-haired girls, and even fewer of them look vaguely like Seo Akira. Shijyou Tsukasa is the first one. Seo Akira is the second one I see.
"...Perfect. Game over," I say with a slight smile to myself as I move in her direction.
I walk over to her table, where she has just began to unwrap her lunch. "Good afternoon, Seo." I smile sincerely. I am happy that I found her. Just not for the reasons she may think I am...
She looks up at me, blinking, slightly surprised. "...Tohno-senpai? Usually you eat lunch outside, don't you?"
"Usually, yes," I reply. "Today, however, I decided I would invite you to have lunch with me, if you would like to. If not, I shall I understand com–"
"Lunch with Tohno-senpai?ǃ SURE!" I am cut off, and nearly bowled over by Seo's enthusiasm.
Perfect. It is not unlike shooting fish in a barrel. I do my best to stifle a snicker that is threatening to well up from the lungs and diaphragm of Tohno Akiha.
"Well then, please collect your things. I will have to go get my lunch in the dorm room, so you can meet me there." I speak this with confidence, knowing that Hanei and Souka both are going to be out of the dorm room, and if they are not, then I shall "encourage" them to make a rather speedy egress from it. Nothing must stop this confrontation... well, short of death, perhaps, but as it is unlikely that either of us will be dropping dead in the next few minutes, it shall go on and be resolved.
"Okay! I'll be there in a few minutes, Tohno-senpai!" she quite eagerly replies as I turn my back on her and begin to walk to the dorm that Hanei, Souka, and myself share.
"…...Fufufufu." As soon as I am out of earshot, I allow myself to release the laugh that had been building up for some time.
As I return towards the room that Souka, Hanei, and myself share, I cannot help but think of why she is so eager. If she is truly interested in me, then... this is kind of like making her dreams come true in some small fashion.
The dream of being romantic with Tohno-senpai. If I were not a female, I probably would not mind so much, as admittedly Seo Akira is a very cute girl, but...
...The problem is, so am I. And a homosexual relationship is, to me, simply unacceptable. What others do is none of my concern; if, say, Hisui or Yumizuka-san turned out to be a lesbian, I would have no problems with it.
The problem is, this concerns me. And I do not entertain, nor harbor, such thoughts.
…...I am going to destroy such silly fantasies utterly. I will not deny that I like Seo Akira, but not in a romantic way in the slightest. We are both girls, and furthermore, I have a reputation to uphold at Asagami. Such a thing would be scandalously bad to my reputation, and those damn seniors will attack my character as a result, without any mercy in the least. Any serious chances of me continuing to have power when I become a second and then a third-year would be utterly wrecked by such scandal. Indeed, even rumors could drag me down to the level where I cannot climb out without some loss of prestige.
I unlock the door with my key, and enter.
"Souka? Hanei? Are either of you here?" I look around the room, cursorily.
Sure enough, no sign of Hanei or Souka. Perfect. I knew I could count on them to be having lunch outside of the dorm. I hide behind where the door will open and await the soon-to-be confronted Seo Akira.
A few moments later, I hear the sounds of somewhat light footsteps running towards the door. She knocks, announces "I'm here, Tohno-senpai!" and then flings the door open carelessly.
The doorknob comes within about six centimeters of hitting me in the solar plexus. I suck my stomach in when I see it making a beeline for it.
I thank whatever deity decided to not add a bruise to my midsection, and most importantly, credit my excellent diet for insuring I do not have a gut.
Seo walks in, looking around. "Tohno-senpai? Are you here?" She stops, and looks towards the beds.
Perfect. Now!
I shut the door with my body, quickly locking it and barring her exit with my body. She turns around and sees the expression on my face, and her demeanor quickly begins to change.
"Uh... was I a little too late? I know you're punctual, Tohno-senpai." She blinks a few times.
"That is not it at all, Seo. This has to do with the doujin that you left at my house." I lean my back against the door, to prevent her from trying to make a sudden grasp at the doorknob. It will nott stop that, of course, but my body weight will be an effective deterrent to her pulling the door open.
With a sudden gasp of horror, Seo's eyes widen. "…...Then... you did look at it…..."
I nod. "I demand an explanation, Seo, and you shall not leave until I obtain one." I cross my arms.
Seo looks away, looking slightly like she wants to cry. She will be running away from me, nor avoiding this confrontation, anymore. It is time to settle this issue, once and for all, and I will not be satisfied until I hear one straight from this kouhai's mouth.
"What is the meaning of drawing you and myself kissing? We are girls. We cannot form such a romantic relationship. It is improper. Thinking about one is therefore pointless." I sigh. "Have you never thought of that? We are both too old now to engage in such a thing. Even if we were young enough, such relationships are things that I have never been interested in, in my life. It is time to grow up, Seo, as I have."
Seo looks slightly angry. A rare expression on her face to be sure, for next to Hanei, Seo is generally the most cheerful person that I know. "You lied, Tohno-senpai! How could you?ǃ" Tears well up slightly at the corner of her eyes.
"What, and say 'Oh yes, I saw you kissing me, good job on your art, my lips were perfectly as full as in real life?ǃ' Get a grip on yourself, Seo, you would have fainted from shock if I had told you such a thing!" My voice comes clear and sharp. "This is not a matter to just gloss over and pretend is trivial! This is something very serious, Seo! You are putting me in such sick, twisted, delusional fantasies that I have no desire to be a part of, and you expect me to just pretend nothing was wrong?ǃ"
"I don't expect you to lie and look at it anyway, Tohno-senpai! You should have been honest with me, at least!" She wipes her eyes with the back of her left hand.
"And what, have you say that you were fantasizing about kissing me, Seo?ǃ I do not think so! What did you do, find a picture of two girls kissing and then simply replace them with me and you? I want an explanation, Seo, and I want it now!" I am virtually yelling at her at this stage, but that is fine. I am truly angry about just what would possess her to do this!
She sighs. "Fine. I saw it in a vision, okayǃ?"
"...A vision." My voice comes out slightly disbelievingly, and my eyebrows arch up in surprise.
Certainly, I have heard from Nii-san some details of Seo's "abilities." She apparently has the ability to read the futures of others, but is unable to ascertain exactly where or when this would happen.
…...…...
…...…...There is no chance such a preposterous thing could happen! Seo and myself kissing?ǃ Preposterous! Pure and utter balderdash, that is all that vision is! The delusions of a teenaged girl, whose hormones from puberty are causing her mind to see such irrational thoughts.
She is using this as some sort of lie, a cheap trick to attempt to lower my anger. Insolent girl! I will not be lied to that easily!
"Seo, I think your visions are wrong. We are–"
"They've never been wrong before, Tohno-senpai." She sharply cuts me off with a glare that even puts me slightly ill at ease. "The only times they've ever failed me before is when whoever was in them actually changed things, like not being at a place or not talking to someone. This one CAN'T be wrong, Tohno-senpai–"
"Seo, we are both FEMALE! What that sort of thing is portraying is a... a, a homosexual relationship! Surely you know that!" How can she not, really?ǃ Two girls kissing, makes it either Class S or homosexual. And the way we were kissing, that was not a simple Class S kiss!
"Of course," she sighs as she loosens the neck of her sailor suit slightly. "I don't know how it could happen either, to be honest. Tohno-senpai isn't that sort of woman, I know that, and I don't think I am either. But I liked it, and so I decided to see what sort of story I could build around it. It doesn't mean I want it, you know! Some people fantasize about being raped, does that mean they want to get raped?ǃ" Her voice sounds slightly cross.
…...Then... it was just an image?
"Then why did you draw it in such vivid detail, Seo?" I blink.
"It's what I saw." She says it with a displeased sigh. "That's what artists DO, Tohno-senpai. They draw what their mind's eye sees. Yes, even if that's you. That's kind of why I was hoping you DIDN'T see it, Tohno-senpai. I knew you'd freak out over it!" Her fists begin to ball up slightly...
…...Am I about to be punched? Then, I had better be a bit more choosy with my words.
"Even then," I say, as I try to stave off her anger. "Did the other girl have to look so much like me? It is nearly identical to–"
"I draw what I see! Okayǃ?" I am cut off. "It was an attempt to pull an image from my head! It worked out pretty good, but it wasn't something you needed to see, and I'd hoped you hadn't, and I even trusted you when you said you didn't – and you did anyway! And here I am, coming to enjoy lunch, but sure enough, here comes Tohno, sure she knows it all!"
Her displeasure is quite clear, for she forgot to add the honorable suffix to my last name. Normally I would address this glaring error in respect, but the truth of the matter is that right now this would provide simply more venom for Seo to innervate herself with. It would be wise to not mention it.
...Then, if all she really was doing was drawing something her mind saw…... am I really making a large mistake of this all...?
Certainly, I am human enough that I am not immune from mistakes. I do not make them often, but to be even part human is to make mistakes.
…...Then, this may be one of those rare times...
…...I am beginning to feel bad about my rude, brash actions. I suppose that doing what I did, it is only natural that Seo might become angry. This was a direct invasion of her privacy, and I more or less lied to her face – twice now – just to get to this point. To get to the confrontation that I so desperately sought.
And now... I may be wrong about it after all, in the end.
There were no word balloons. It is possible that this may indeed have been a different girl, for I was never mentioned by name, and...
…...A shiver runs up my spine, as if confirming that I am completely wrong about this.
...Well, it is time to swallow the poison named pride, and allow it to run its course, consequences be thrice damned...
"...I am not perfect, Seo. Nobody is. There are times where mistakes are–"
"Mistakes?ǃ" Once more, I am cut off. The fury has completely consumed Seo Akira, and she is unleashing it all on me. "This isn't a mistake, this was an outright breach of privacy by someone who's incredibly nosy! How dare you!" Her glare is sharp. There are daggers in those eyes, and doubtless venom is coursing through her veins.
...Confessionary. Normally, I would not tolerate this sort of behavior, from anyone. But all I can do is simply try my best to not enrage her anymore. The last thing I want to do is to get into an actual physical fight with my kouhai, for multiple reasons.
Partially because it would surely break any chance of us mending our relationship. A relationship that, I admit, I do not want to lose and am already wishing I could rewind time to restore.
Partially because I do not want to lose control of myself and utterly crush her in a fight. I know that I would. Seo Akira is not the sort of girl who has experience with fighting. Souka, perhaps, but definitely not Seo or Hanei.
Mostly because it was my own foolish words that got me into this situation. Words of a pompous, loudmouthed girl named Tohno Akiha.
Therefore... if she strikes, I shall take the punch. After all, a bruise will heal.
A friendship is a much harder thing to simply mend. There are no automated mechanisms that will magically repair such things, unlike a body's platelets and fibrin. Mending a friendship means that both sides must be willing to forgive and let things smooth over.
Right now, there is no chance of Seo Akira forgiving me even remotely soon.
I sigh. Then... Plan B, is to swallow the pride of Tohno Akiha completely. I feel the lump in my throat as I swallow.
"I did not intend to be nosy, Seo..." I try to keep my voice strong, but even I must admit that it falters slightly in the face of this onslaught.
"Well you were! And then you can't even tell me the truth, you had to LIE! I hate liars! The last person who lied to me wound up killing people, and it was only due to Tohno-san that I was saved!" She even stomps her foot slightly. Normally it is a cute fit, but in this state of mind, it is an ominous CLOMP, like death itself were staking a claim to the territory of the dorm room of Tsukihime Souka, Misawa Hanei, and Tohno Akiha.
...Nii-san had told me about that. How someone had impersonated him, killing people, and fooled Seo into thinking they were Nii-san. Luckily, he was able to find out before this fake could add Seo to the list of murder victims, but...
"Well, my interest and curiosity got the best of me..." My voice comes out even weaker than before.
"Yeah, some excuse," she says, not accepting it. "You can believe that if you want, but the fact is you didn't trust me, and then even AFTER you read it... you lied. You lied so that I wouldn't know, couldn't explain, and so you could corner me. Do you know how... incredibly rude that is?ǃ?"
A very nasty glare. A look on her face that she wants to kill. Or at the very least, punch me, and it is taking her all of her willpower to restrain from doing so.
…...What I did... well, it would be very rude. I would certainly not appreciate it had someone else done that to me, so I can somewhat see where Seo is coming from, but still... that gives her no reason to be so angry at this. I looked at one of her works in progress... so? I fail to see the big deal behind this, honestly.
"Alright, so I shall try to be less nosy." I sigh and look at her.
Seo shakes her head. "Not that simple. It's part of your nature. It's the one thing that I can't stand at all about you. You're impulsive, and once you get an idea in your head you're 100% sure it's always correct and never fails. Well guess what? This time you're WRONG, Tohno."
Again with the crass remark. It is all I can do to resist escalating the situation even further. Such disrespect is unacceptable... but not nearly as unacceptable as getting into a fight with a girl nearly 20 months my junior.
"...Well then, what would you do if you were in my position, Seo?" I ask. Yes, to avoid this mistake again in the future...
She almost immediately speaks. "I'd at least tell them my concerns, and not CON them into thinking they wanted to spend time with me! That's like inviting someone out to eat and saying 'Oh, by the way, you're picking up the bill' and running away! It's horrible!"
…...Ah. That is right.
I had lured her here under the guise of having lunch. Perhaps it is the sudden shock that she went from having a wonderful lunch with her senpai to being confronted about a piece of artwork that really set her off.
...A bait and switch, I believe they call it. That was... incredibly callous of me, when I think about it.
I sigh, slightly in exasperation and slightly in shame. I have... no real counter to this attack.
"It'd be like if I invited you to one of my father's Oktoberfests and instead of beer you got water or wine coolers or something. Do you get the point now, Tohno?ǃ" A glare that aims to pierce through my soul entirely is what I am met with.
"…...Yes," is the only reply that manages to come meekly out of my mouth. It is all I can do to avoid looking away, and suffering complete defeat in this fight.
"Well then who knows, maybe you'll learn about how wrong and shortsighted you can actually be one of these days! When you do, let me know, and then I'll talk to you again. Maybe." In a huff, she grabs the lunch she had set down on the table and stuffs it roughly into her bag.
I sigh. "...Then I guess I was wrong, perhaps..."
"Yeah. So am I about you, Tohno." She zips up her bag and puts it back on her shoulders. "Any other surprises you're planning on springing on me?" She stands angrily, hands on her hips.
"...No," I confess quietly. "If it would make it up to you, however, I will still have lun–"
"Not interested," comes the immediate reply with surprising barb. She walks towards the door, and as the definite loser in this battle, I simply move aside and allow her to exit. The door, as if to chime in its opinion, shuts with a resounding SLAM.
I stare at the door, and hear the footsteps walk away.
CLOMP.
CLOMP.
Clomp.
Clomp.
Clomp.
Clomp.
Clap.
Clap.
clap.
clap.
…...…...
…...…...Silence.
I sigh and walk over to, then sit on my bed. Defeated.
Not just defeated, demolished.
...No, not even demolished is strong enough for this burning guilt inside.
This is more like obliteration. Evisceration. Eradication. Extermination.
There is nothing left whatsoever. The winning side has so completely destroyed the losing side that all that remains are flayed remains of what was once a person.
Specifically, the shredded remnants of Tohno Akiha's ego lie all over the floor. Seo Akira won the battle without so much as a scratch.
Really... That was possibly the stupidest thing I have done in a long time.
Leaping to conclusions. Pre-judging people.
All I could see such a drawing as was this horrendous invasion of privacy. Yet to Seo Akira, this was simply art. And Seo Akira, the artist, likes different things than Seo Akira, the person.
Seo Akira, the person, does not want a romantic relationship with Tohno Akiha. That is perhaps the only good thing that managed to come out of this fight, but still...
...It is a classical Pyrrhic Victory. I won the battle, but at such a cost that it is nearly too great to bear.
Seo Akira, the artist, however, liked that image. So she drew it. If I were an artist, I would no doubt have similar feelings and emotions. Or if I were, say, a writer, then perhaps I would write about such things, that while they do not interest me, the person, they interest me, the creative talent.
And I would probably be lying to myself if I said that I would just openly share such work with most people.
Part of the beauty of any creative form is that it is almost intimate, to the creator. The ability to go and bring these images, or people, or whatever you are creating, and breathe life into them.
My stomach growls. I ignore it. It does not deserve food. Right now, neither do I.
Really, she could have done so much worse. She could have punched me as hard as she could. Because I like Seo, I would have taken such a blow without retaliation, but...
…...Seeing her there, fists shaking in anger, restraining herself from striking me...
I sigh, and just collapse lifelessly on my bed. It squeaks slightly as I lay upon it with my full body weight so suddenly.
There is only one thought that manages to course through my mind, as I lick my mental wounds.
It is, perhaps, the only thought that could adequately describe my situation right now.
That thought?
…...Tohno Akiha, you idiot.
Kojin Saakuru - literally "Individual/Private Circle." In other words, Seo is her own doujin circle, doing both writing and art.
…...
…...
…...You fucking idiot…...
Next Week (10/3/10) – Chapter 18: "Fretfulness"