Chapter 18: "Fretfulness"
I walk, like a zombie, through most of the rest of the day. I cannot focus on the classes much, and the lessons that the teachers are attempting to instruct simply seem to pass through one ear and out the other.
This is fine. I am not interested in paying attention at the moment.
What a fool I was. Thinking that Seo wanted that kind of relationship. Instead, she simply sketched a vision. A vision of us kissing. A vision of us that, based on both of our looks, would be quite far off... if it ever did happen.
Really now... That sort of aggressive, overconfident behavior... that is so completely unlike me.
I would not be surprised if I am letting the upcoming anniversary on Friday get inside my head and begin to disorient me.
And now to have this on top of it...
I sigh bitterly.
It is strange that I feel so guilty about this, but I do. I was wrong, yes, but I have erred before. It is only human to make mistakes, and as a half-human, I am prone to this as well.
Normally that would be good enough, to say "I have made a mistake and I shall not do so again if I can help it," but in this case, this is simply not enough. My usual reassurance is failing me.
I have even tried to shake it out of my head. Every time I manage to, for a few brief moments, it will work until someone mentions her name, and then it will come screaming back into my memories, just as loudly as she had been yelling at me.
I sigh on my bed.
Really... why is this eating me up so badly...?
"Akiha-chan? Why do you look so sad?"
I hear the voice of Misawa Hanei reach my ears. My eyes manage to register the concerned expression on her face.
I still do not care. I do not deserve her attempts at empathy or sympathy.
"It is nothing, Hanei. It does not concern you, so do not worry about it." I move my gaze from her.
"…...…Normally I wouldn't, but I've watched you sit as still as a statue for 15 minutes, Akiha-chan. I thought you were either asleep or dead." Hanei frowns sadly – a rare expression on her face, and one that will make me feel even worse if I look at it for any longer.
...Maybe I would be better off dead with how I feel. But...
...15 minutes? It feels like I just sat down moments ago.
Am I... that far from myself?
This is profoundly affecting me, then. Why? It is a stupid thing to be so dissociated for.
...No, it was not really the drawing. It was Seo's reaction.
Seo's hurt that not only had I lied to her, I had betrayed her trust. And in the process, did the exact thing that she was hoping I would not - corner her and become confrontational.
She knew that if I wound up finding that doujinshi, that I would freak out. That was why it was the first thing she asked, if I had looked in it. And her intuition was correct, because that wound up being the very first thing that I did. Then, I lied about it, and began to concoct a plan to ask her what the meaning of it was.
Then, yesterday, she had a doctor's appointment. That did not help my plan. Now I felt like she was evading me, avoiding me. Like she knew that I had read it, somehow, and knew full well how enraged I would be as a result, and so she did everything that she could to get away from me, to avoid me. This only made me embolden my plans, sure I was correct, sure that I would get her to confess that she made such a... a... pornographic book with me in it to fulfill her own bizarre, perverted fantasies of other girls.
So I cornered her with another lie, and laid my hand out completely on the table. And...
...In not so many words, Seo Akira read me like a book. And was correct.
"...Even if I could explain it, Hanepin, I am not sure if you would understand." I sigh bitterly.
"Ummmmm..." she looks up for a moment. "…...I could try." The frown on her face changes expression to a look of determination.
Normally, I would be quite proud of Hanei stepping up in such a manner. Were this a less serious matter, I might even oblige her request.
But with this one...?
I shake my head. "No, I doubt it. You have not made stupid decisions like I did." I stand up.
"Stupid decisions? Like what, Akiha-chan?" Hanei blinks inquisitively.
"Just tell Seo I said sorry if you see her." I take my bag from the foot of my bed.
With this, I exit the room, no doubt leaving Hanei standing in the room, trying to figure out just what happened.
I kick my legs slightly as I sit on the concrete ledge, awaiting my limousine to take me home, replaying the scene over and over in my head.
How I laid it out. How sure I was that I had figured out her motives completely. How I simply KNEW that Seo Akira was hiding this from me, so that she could keep such romantic feelings to herself.
I was so sure my plan would work. I was completely certain that Seo would confess she had done that out of desire. It was all I really needed to hear from her, that she had, and I would have been satisfied with that confession. Then I would have told her I did not approve of myself being used in that way, and to pick someone else, and that would have been that. Life would have moved on, and the status quo would have been maintained.
But she did not see me in that sort of way after all.
Seo Akira does not lust after Tohno Akiha in that way, and I accused her of doing so. More than that, I stated that her precognitive abilities were flat-out wrong and lying. It would be rather like someone trying to say that I do not even have my own abilities... after the shock of them knowing I had them wore off, I would likely demonstrate just how real they are.
...Accused? No, not just accused, I outright stated she desired a homosexual relationship with me. It is no wonder it deeply offended her.
...Plus, really, I should know that she is more desirous of Nii-san than myself. After all, Nii-san is the one who saved her life, not me. I am merely her senpai, and just so happen to be related to the one whom did save her and so whom she desires.
…...Really, she is like me in at least that aspect. I began feeling a lot stronger for the boy who was at the time named Nanaya Shiki, who moved in front of me with speed that startled even me, and took a nearly fatal wound to the chest... that may be when I began to love Nii-san as more than a brother.
"...Imbecile." I mentally kick myself.
It is the essence of myself that I hate the most, to be frankly honest. Forthright, confident, and brazenly sanguine.
And it works. Usually. Except for when it does not work. Such as now.
I was wrong, and now I am paying the price. In addition to Seo's enmity, I have my own self-abhorrence to deal with now. These sorts of accusations are the ones that can potentially break up a friendship.
And, as much as Seo can annoy, or be nauseatingly cute at times... I really do like her as a friend. She is cute and has an attractive personality. Having someone to look up at me like that and disregard my many flaws was... oddly liberating, really.
Our relationship is a strange one, I will admit. Then again, all of my relationships with my friends seem to be strange ones.
I constantly worry about my chest, and yet one of my friends has the largest chest I have seen in my life. Despite that, I do not begrudge her for it in the slightest. I do admit I would like it a bit more if I could have a LARGER chest, but such a large bust on my frame would look simply grotesque and out of place, given my body proportions and size. Something like Kohaku's, or Yumizuka-san's, perhaps, would work well, however – about another ten centimeters.
I constantly do my best to maintain my upbringing, and yet one of my friends is one who had such upbringing drilled into her so badly that she absolutely shuns this and lives as commonly as she can, right down to instant food. I could never eat such a thing except in an emergency, and even ordering out tends to make me a bit ill and displeased, but that is also an occasional necessary fact, usually when Nii-san comes home badly injured and Kohaku is not here. Then it is I who takes care of him and cleans his wounds, as Hisui gets squeamish around blood.
I do not tolerate immaturity, and yet my favored kouhai is someone who can be incredibly immature at times, to the point where I want to gently strangle her, or give her a few light slams now and again. Yet despite that, and the fact she almost abuses her cuteness at times, I do genuinely like her as a friend, and while I will keep it a secret from her, I will do acts of kindness for her. Keeping them secret is a necessary, or she would never stop thanking me, and then I would want to tie the bow of her outfit around her neck to strangle her.
And now, that last one is perhaps gone.
It is possible I have lost Seo Akira as a friend. If this is the case, then I will make sure I try my hardest not to ever repeat this mistake again. If I were to lose Hanei or Souka in that way, it would be a deathblow.
Even a half-human needs some level of social constructs and people to converse to. I can always talk to Hisui, or Kohaku and Nii-san when they are there, and now I have Yumizuka-san to talk to as well, but... they are not quite friends. Two of them are technically under my employ, one is family, and the fourth is someone who I have decided to take in, partially due to what she could do for me, and partially to assuage my own guilt at being the penultimate cause of her condition. There is also Len, of course, but well, Len is a girl of few words. She may hug me, though... which I would not mind right about now...
I feel myself be touched on the shoulder. This startles me out of my thoughts, and I look up to see that it is Ishizaki, my driver. He looks at me rather concernedly. "Akiha-sama? Is everything okay? I've been honking the horn a few times, but you seemed not to hear."
I sigh and look away slightly as I carefully hop off of the ledge I had been sitting on up until this time. "...Yes, all is fine, Ishizaki. Let us return to the mansion."
...And drive me away from the painful memories that might linger in this place forevermore.
I return home, to both Hisui's polite bow and Yumizuka-san's deeper, more thankful and appreciative bow. I am sure they greet me verbally, but I do not hear it if they do. I likely mutter something that is perhaps along the lines of "Good evening" to them both and retire straight to my room, not paying them any mind.
I half-place, half-toss my bag onto my chair, and collapse onto my bed.
The thoughts have not left me even though I have long left the school proper. Like a nightmare that simply will not die, the scene keeps playing itself over and over in my head, as if it were some sort of sick mental lark that my mind enjoys bringing up infinitely.
I already have enough nightmares. I do not particularly need more, nor do I have the wherewithal to deal with any more problems at the moment. My day-to-day duties are difficult enough. The added pressures this week will bring are further unrelenting, and now I have to deal with a remorseful conscience on top of it.
If there could possibly be any more pressure upon me right now, I would think Tohno Akiha shall crack.
A knock comes at my door. Hisui knows better to interrupt me in moods like this...
"Enter," I say with disaffection.
Rather than Hisui, it is Yumizuka-san who enters. "Akiha-san? Did something bad happen?" She looks worried. A genuine sort of worry.
I cannot truly blame Yumizuka-san for intruding, or being so forthright. Hisui's nature has built up due to eight years of "swapping" places between herself and Kohaku. She is more emotional now, but allowing yourself to be emotional when one is so unused to it is not exactly a easy habit to break.
Add in the factor that I have essentially given the vampire mercy, compassion, and shelter from that which she lacked for a year and it is not too difficult to see why she would be very concerned about my well-being.
I would not be surprised if she were willing to give up her life for mine.
A life for a life, then? Well, it is fine she is concerned, and I know full well that inviting her into my home meant full well that she would become privy to my problems and worries. Admittedly, this is a fairly stupid one, even to me...
...But it may be a good test case to see how she handles these things.
Furthermore, I could probably use an extra perspective. Kohaku will not be here for several days yet. Nii-san is not home, but should be returning soon. Hisui... I try to avoid talking about my problems with, given her emotionally frail state.
Yes. Then a test case would be prudent, and if she passes it, then I will allow her to be more emotionally involved in my life.
I sigh. I still do not like involving people in my personal feelings, but I suppose it cannot be helped.
"Yumizuka-san, have you ever said things you regret deeply after you turned out to err?" I ask her simply and directly.
Her red eyes blink, slightly taken aback. It is likely she woke up not too long ago and is still trying to shake off some tiredness. "Wow... heavy. What'd you do, Akiha-san?"
"Usually I am quite confident in my abilities to judge people, but today, I made a rather bad mistake, and I fear it may have cost me a relationship with someone whom I do not want to lose a relationship with." I look away slightly.
"That bad, huh..." She walks over to my bed and carefully sits on the foot of it, turning to me afterward. Usually I would protest to someone even being in my room most of the time, much less sitting on the foot of my bed. Perhaps right now I am so emotionally void that I simply no longer care.
"...I made a gross mistake, Yumizuka-san. I was so sure I was correct, but I turned out not to be. My accusation deeply offended her. Admittedly... I am a bit unsure of how to proceed. I have never nearly lost a friend before." An honest confession. In the back of my head I am aware of laughter, but I silence that quickly.
With a slight "Mmm" and a nod, Yumizuka-san confirms she has listened. After taking a moment to think it over, as well as swallowing and clearing her throat, she gives me a suggestion. "Well, obviously, you'll have to apologize to her and swallow your pride."
"I already did. I informed a mutual friend of ours that if she–"
"No. No mutual friends. In person." She sounds firm.
"...But she may not wish to speak to me," I remind her.
"It's a risk you'll have to take, Akiha-san. But by proving you're able to swallow your pride and apologize, it may be enough to get her to at least hear you out and give you a chance to explain yourself." She sighs slightly at an apparent memory. "...Dad told me it was always bad to lie to someone, but that it takes enormous amounts of strength to admit you lied and even more to say that you're sorry for it. He said those were probably the two hardest words to learn, regardless of the language."
I sigh. "I am... not good at apology. I am unused to it."
"Well, you'll have to get better at it, then," Yumizuka-san says. "You really pissed this girl off from the sound of things."
"…...It would not be incorrect," I say in frustration.
"Then it's time to eat some humble pie, Akiha-san. Apologize to her. Not through a friend, not over the phone... do it in person. And do it as soon as possible. If you two were good friends before this, she can probably forgive you, but you have to be prepared for her saying she doesn't care, that it's over, and if that's the case, you're just going to have to accept it." Yumizuka-san looks me directly in the eyes as she says this. The message is loud and clear – that this is her main point and I should note it.
"…...Yes," I say, my mind being too clouded by emotion to think of anything else.
"But, it's not all bad, you know. If you were truly cold, you wouldn't even care about this. The fact it's depressing you this much means you truly care about her, right?" Yumizuka-san smiles slightly. Now that I have acknowledged her point, it seems she is trying to do her best to begin to cheer me up.
"...I suppose," I offer, not really thinking about her words all that much at the moment.
"So the fact you feel so horrible about it means you know deep down that you were wrong, even if you don't like to admit it. For a lot of people, they can't even do that, so the fact that you can shows you're a better woman than you think you are." She states it simply.
"...Do you really think so, Yumizuka-san?" I ask her, sitting up slightly.
"Yeah. I didn't really get to hear about you much except in passing conversations over the years, and Tohno-kun tended to talk about his cousin Miyako-chan a little more since he lived with her," Yumizuka-san states. "However, he did mention you from time to time, and said you seemed to be a rather happy, kind girl from his faint memories of you."
"...Nii-san talked about me to you?" I feel my face begin to heat up.
It makes Yumizuka-san giggle slightly. "Yeah. But he said you were a rather good person, and he thought that we'd be able to get along pretty good if we'd ever met, although he doubted we would. Well, I guess he'll find out that when he comes back here, huh...?"
I turn my head to look at her more head-on. "…...You have a deep investigative trait in you that I did not think you would have, Yumizuka-san." I dwell on my words for a moment before realizing they can be misconstrued. "Ah, no offense meant!" I quickly blurt out.
That is the LAST thing I need – to end TWO friendships today.
Yumizuka-san smiles. "Don't worry, I knew what you meant. But yeah... it kinda surprises me too sometimes. I didn't really think about that sort of stuff all too deeply until I became like this. It must be a vampire trait."
"...Vampires are very good at reading the mental states of others. This is due to their natural abilities for charm, and the amount of time they have spent in introspection." It flows off my tongue like it had been branded upon it.
Well, it would be easy enough to remember. I know two vampires, both of whom are very good at feeling out emotional states... although one of them cheats a little to do it, but even without it, she is very good at telling someone's emotional state with just a few moments of observation.
I, myself, as a halfling blood-sucking demon, also have a somewhat more limited ability to make such estimations. It is more potent in my inverted form, but of course, I try to avoid shifting into this form whenever I can help it. I like the feel of being human, and that form robs me of most of my humanity.
Yumizuka-san speaks once more. "Well, I also liked helping people when I could, too, so maybe that's it. It made me feel nice to see someone else smile, so I guess that's what I'm really after right now." With this, she closes her eyes and gives a slight smile, the kind that many males would have fought over had they seen it.
It makes me feel slightly better about myself, and I do feel a slight smile begin to come across me, as I sit up fully and stretch my arms and torso slightly to relieve the tension that had built inside of it.
As if sensing it, Yumizuka-san asks "Feeling better now?"
"A little," I say. "I am not back to where I am comfortable yet, but at least I feel perhaps slightly hopeful and optimistic. I will seek her out tomorrow, then, and attempt to apologize her, but I will also prepare for the worst just in case she decides to reject such an apology."
"Good," she offers with a small giggle. "Don't worry about thanking me. This is my way of saying thanks for giving me a second lease on life."
"Think nothing of it," I reply without really thinking about it.
Yumizuka-san stands up and straightens out her clothing. "Well! I'd better get back to work. Hisui's depending on me to make sure that I keep the house standing as she cooks." With a slight giggle, she begins to depart my room.
...That outfit, even though cleaned, is still more of a quilt than proper clothing.
"...I will have Hisui go tomorrow to get you some new clothing. Please inform her of your sizes, if you would not mind." I announce to her back as she leaves, in a tone that makes it clear that this is an order, and not so much of a request.
Yumizuka-san blushes very slightly, but nods. "...Alright. I'll let her know, Akiha-san." With this, she turns to me, bows slightly in respect and gratitude, and quietly leaves my room.
I think for a few moments after Yumizuka-san leaves.
Her words certainly had weight to them. Like she had done this all before, or like she could tell something was wrong based on my state when I came home.
Or perhaps this was simply part of "being human" for her. For after all, a vampire has little to no need to care about others. Vampires are very selfish creatures by nature, for whom people are cattle and little else.
...One thing is for sure. Yumizuka Satsuki truly proves one cannot judge a book by its cover. She is neither helpless girl, nor bloodthirsty vampire.
Indeed, she is a rather oddly eclectic but wonderful mix of both.
And her talk seemed to come from deeply personal places inside of her. In her moment of need, I helped her, and so in my moment of need, she selflessly stepped up to the plate, assisting with no complaints. Indeed, assisting with a bit of pride and cheer.
...She is hardly a vampire at all, I think to myself, as I get out of my bed and begin to change into my usual clothing.
...Is Yumizuka-san trying to help me? Why?
What have I done for her, really? Safety and shelter... so?
That is hardly equal compared to my problems right now...
Next Week (10/10/10) – Chapter 19: "A Crisis of Self-Existentialism"