Chapter 19: "A Crisis of Self-Existentialism"
That night, I lay in bed, looking up at the ceiling. Those thoughts are swarming through my head again.
Who am I...? Really?
What am I about...? Really?
What do I value the most...? Really?
Who is the real Tohno Akiha...? Is she hidden from even me...?
I... I was born on a Sunday. On a Sunday, at dawn, right as autumn was about to begin. September 22nd, 1985, a day before Shuubun no Hi.*
This is why I was named Akiha. Autumn Leaf.
It is a fitting name, to be honest. I do not think I can identify with any other.
But... what good is a name if I cannot find out whom that person really, truly is?
I have been so sure of myself for so long, that when I am confronted with something that challenges it, I seem to simply shut down. As I am now.
As I have all day, to the point where even Hanei could tell that something was wrong and I was not acting as my usual self. She tried her best to help me, but... how could someone like Hanei ever understand the sort of situation I am going through...?
Today, Seo called me out. And... she was right. I am all of those things she called me. All, and worse. A liar, a loudmouthed, pompous braggart, who is so sure of herself that she could so brazenly speak that way. So used to getting her own way, that the very thought of "What if I am wrong?" not only never crosses her mind, it is a truly foreign concept to her, so foreign that her mind is literally unable to conceive it…...
…...Am I truly that cold?
But then Yumizuka-san said deep down I care, because I felt guilty about her words. I cannot feel guilty if I do not know and believe in it at some level, so where...
…...Where is that Tohno Akiha inside of me?
I sigh, frustrated. This is eating me alive. I have somewhat gotten over the thrust of Seo's words because they are true, but now the guilt has replaced the offense.
Sitting around here and moping about it, however, will not be productive. It will do nothing but make me feel even worse than I already do, for here, I am able to dwell on my mistake today, and suffer it silently.
…...Another moonlight walk, perhaps?
...Yes. That will do. The last time I did it, it helped me greatly. It would be prudent to repeat it to see if it will work.
...But if I do this alone, I will only be able to dwell on myself. Therefore, I should bring someone along so that my mind does not get too hung up upon itself, and I do not do anything bold or brash.
…...It would be rude to awaken Hisui, but perhaps Yumizuka-san would be willing to accompany me...?
I walk out of my room, having put my long red button-up dress on, re-combed my hair, and put my hairband back on.
In the distance, down the hall, I see the dim light of a candle. Someone is making the rounds, and I know who that person is likely to be. I begin to approach the dim point of light.
As I get close, I confirm that the candle is held by one Yumizuka Satsuki. She turns around at hearing my footsteps.
"...Akiha-san? What are you doing up this late?" The flame reflected in her eyes momentarily disappears when she blinks.
"I cannot sleep, Yumizuka-san. I am going to go for a walk," I state. "It apparently helps Nii-san when his mind is troubled, and it helped mine the last time I was... and it led me to you, oddly enough."
"It's still on your mind, huh?" She sounds slightly saddened. "I told you, just apologize to–"
"No, it is not that, Yumizuka-san. I will do that tomorrow when I will see her next. Now I am trying to find..." I sigh. This is so absurd, talking about such a thing... "...I am trying to find myself."
The red-eyed vampire blinks. "Wow. That's like a million in one thing when you don't know."
"Yes." I look to her a little more directly. "However... I also feel that some company to walk along with me would be a nice change of pace, as I rarely get to have such walks, much less with another person. So... would you like to accompany me?"
"Now?" She blinks. "Uh, I was just doing the rounds as usual. I'd have to tell Hisui so she could–"
"...Let her sleep," I order.
"…...Let her? But what if the house gets attacked?" Yumizuka-san asks inquisitively, not understanding my motives.
"It would be unlikely at best. If anyone is a target, it would be myself, Yumizuka-san." Obviously, I would be the intended target of such an assault, not some simple human like Hisui. Well, aside from her similar background as a Synchronizer like Kohaku is, that is.
"…...You got a point," she says, pursing her lips slightly. "Alright then... let me get my coat. It's way too cold to wear just my uniform outside now..." With this, she walks off.
...Hm. I had thought that a vampire could not feel hot or cold.
…...It is certainly possible that she is still thinking with a human mindset, and obviously she is not so far removed from humanity that she would not remember such sensations as hot or cold. She has enjoyed hot tea, hot meals, and hot baths here, so obviously she still enjoys such things. If she were a true vampire, she would not care if the food or drinks were hot or cold, or the temperature of her bath.
…...Then again, were she a true vampire, she would have no interest in hot tea, or hot food. She would have already gone for my, Hisui's, or Kohaku's necks.
This, among some other reasons such as her compassion and empathy, is why I cannot truly class Yumizuka Satsuki as a vampire. To me, she is more of a person afflicted with something she cannot control or change, and must simply live with.
...A situation not dissimilar to mine, really, when I think about it.
Changing her clothing would also make sense. For example, her school uniform is different from mine. The skirt, notably, is considerably shorter. While on myself the hem of my skirt reaches slightly above my knees, Yumizuka-san's school uniform barely covers her backside. It is definitely shorter, to the point that it is nearly exposing places that boys should not see, and no doubt it would make her feel cold on this night, so close to November.
…...November.
I sigh. I had nearly forgotten about that for a brief, blissful time.
November 1st, technically, was when Nii-san and I had our nearly fatal fight a year ago. It was after midnight, but not quite dawn, at his school of all places. The same school, as it turns out, where Yumizuka-san had attended.
Perhaps even near the same classroom.
I do not know, and truth be told passing by the building, which for a brief few days brought me joy, now fills me with dread. Such memories have a way of sticking in your mind more than most.
There are few kinds of memories that can remain as long as those that cause you pain. One of those kinds would be very happy ones. I do not have many of these. Nii-san returning, Kohaku saving us both, Nii-san awakening from his coma... those are the most recent ones. Those are the only ones I can fully think of off the top of my head.
Another kind would be very depressing ones. I have more of these than I care to count. I do not even want to attempt to count them; that will just make me feel even worse. My childhood... I do not recall any memories of happy times there, except for ones with Nii-san. Aside from that, my childhood is something that I would say is probably best forgotten, and something that I would never want to repeat, and would change if I could.
Fortunately, Yumizuka-san saves me from dwelling on this further by reappearing.
...The tan coat she is wearing is not much longer than her school uniform was. She looks nice in it, but the bottom of it reaches down perhaps to the middle of her thighs, only slightly lower than the skirt of her school uniform.
"...Yumizuka-san. Do you have something... longer?" I dust my dress off slightly with my hands to emphasize it.
"...Uhh... not really... I did at home, but I seriously doubt it's still there now." She sighs.
"I see," I tell her. "Well, tomorrow, Hisui will be getting you newer clothing, as I said."
"I don't want to impose, Akiha-san..." She looks away, as if it were a child being caught with their hand on the top shelf, where, as the saying goes, mother hides the cookies.
"It is not imposing. It is a matter of necessity. And, admittedly, a bit of modesty. You would be quite a target for rapists, were you to walk out in such a short skirt that nearly exposes your underwear," I state matter-of-factly.
"...They'd be the ones regretting it if they tried anything." She smiles broadly. Her fangs are fairly visible.
…...Of course.
Yumizuka-san is a vampire... perhaps not in spirit, but in body, certainly. She could rip a heart out of a man's chest and drink the blood from it before he is even dead, and to her it would be like putting her fist through a sheet of paper or cotton candy.
"Yes, but we are trying not to kill people unless we must, Yumizuka-san. There are certain... elements that would be aroused if the body count begins to pick up." Such as a certain Churchwoman whom, while I get along with her, I would still rather not have her encroaching on my business.
"Yes, I know. I ran into a few..." she sighs, blinking. "Uhh, they attacked me and nearly killed me, but I didn't want to hurt them, so I didn't fight back, and that seemed to discourage them. They fled after saying they'd keep an eye on me."
"For all of its supposed fervor, the Holy Church tends to be merciful to those who try to retain their humanity," I reply. "Anyway. Let us go. The night air shall do us some good."
"Yes. Let's." With a nod and a smile, Yumizuka-san consents, and we exit the house, locking up behind us and leaving Hisui behind in worry-free sleep.
The cool air feels pleasant on my skin. I can see my breath hanging in the air slightly as it exits my nose and mouth. I can see it likewise exiting Yumizuka-san's as we begin to walk around aimlessly, going nowhere in particular, just out to enjoy the night.
"Yumizuka-san... may I ask where you got that coat? You did say it was yours, but you did not return to your home, did you?" I ask her.
"Ah, no," she says. "Honestly, I'm not sure how it was brought back... I was talking to Hisui about myself and what I left behind, and as we were talking, Kuro Neko-san came up and rubbed against my leg a little, so I petted her and she ran off. I laid down around perhaps nine or ten, and when I woke up to help Hisui with the chores, I found my coat had gotten to my room somehow." She hugs herself. "Ahh, I missed this coat... I liked it quite a lot, and it keeps me warm."
"...Except for your legs, of course. I would not like it if my thighs were so... exposed." I state, with a slight shiver at the thought of someone being able to look so closely near my private places.
Yumizuka-san laughs slightly. "It's just what's in fashion nowadays, Akiha-san. But don't worry about being in fashion. Long dresses suit you really well, so don't feel pressured to follow those trends."
"I never do anyway," I state as I flip my hair. "I am not out to win popularity contests."
This comment, too, makes her laugh. I feel slightly angry, but it is a good-natured laugh, and not a mocking or a condescending one, so I decide that I should simply let it go. There is no sense in getting angry over such a thing, as Yumizuka-san does not intend to anger me like that.
"Akiha-san. May I ask you something?" Her voice speaks up after a few minutes of walking together in silence.
I nod. "Go ahead, Yumizuka-san."
"...It's about your fight with Tohno-kun last year. Is... it okay?" Her tone changes slightly, as she knows she is asking a personal question. It is clear that by her tone that I am under no sort of obligation to accept her request, and if I choose to, I may refuse it without further question.
...Well, I certainly do not like talking about it if I can help it. But... this walk is to purge those demons, if not the demon inside of me.
…...Plus, I must admit, Yumizuka-san seems to be talented at gauging people on an emotional level. She would have made a very good counselor or something, perhaps... and even if not, she certainly would help those whom she considers her friends.
...By that logic, then, I seem to have become someone that Yumizuka Satsuki identifies as a friend. Then again, with what I did for her, this is no coincidence, so it would only be right to extend such a courtesy to her. After all, accepting my offer means that she is bound to find out all of these sorts of details eventually anyway, and truth be told, I would rather that if anyone were to tell them to her, it would be me, as Hisui was not there, Nii-san was thinking more like Nanaya Shiki and so his memories of the event are somewhat hazy, and Kohaku may present a possibly distorted version of such events due to her own guilt.
"...Ask," I say after that thought.
Yumizuka-san nods. "Well... correct me if I'm wrong, but you haven't really forgiven yourself for it, have you?"
"…...I cannot," I admit. "I was weak and controlled easily by the one I hate. If either myself or Nii-san would have died, whoever would have survived it would have been very bad for. Myself, I probably would be a mindless demon. Nii-san... he would no longer exist in a mental sense. All that would be left would be the cold, expert killing personality of Nanaya Shiki."
I feel Yumizuka-san's hand close carefully around mine. The skin is warm and soft. Confused, I turn to her.
"Akiha-san. Tohno-kun wouldn't like it if you keep beating yourself up over it, would he?" She states simply.
"Well..." I think about it for a moment. "...probably not."
"So stop doing it." She says it with a giggle.
"If it were that easy, Yumizuka-san, do you not think I would have done so months ago?" I ask.
"Of course it's not going to be easy, Akiha-san," Yumizuka-san replies. "But if you ever want to be able to get over anything, you have to stop regretting all your mistakes, you know? 'To err is human, to forgive divine.'"
"...Alexander Pope, I believe," I state.
"...I wouldn't know who," Yumizuka-san states with a laugh. "But I do believe in that. You have to forgive yourself for your mistakes, or else you're just going to spend your whole life beating yourself up for every little slip-up, you know?"
It does make sense, I suppose. Nii-san lives his life as if the previous day's mistakes and worries scarcely mattered, that tomorrow was all that was important. The chance to live another day, to make new friends and enjoy the friends you already have to the fullest.
But, that is difficult for me to do. Never in my life have I been able to put the past behind me as easily as Nii-san can. If I were able to, then I would not still hate myself, hate "him", hate Otou-sama–
…...…Otou-sama.
The greatest victim of us all, Kohaku said. Otou-sama.
He who could not even remember the things he did to Kohaku... Otou-sama.
He who was forced to be harsher, stricter, and uncompromising to myself... Otou-sama.
He who had to live with all of that guilt, and had no choice but to swallow it, knowing he was to die soon…...… Otou-sama.
...How can I feel so bad about myself when in comparison my problems are completely trivial? I know I am not dying soon. My problems are in the past. I have mostly what I want, so why…...
…...I feel like I want to cry.
"…...Akiha-san?" The worried voice of Yumizuka Satsuki.
I cannot respond. My mind is preoccupied with thinking about Otou-sama now.
Born into a life that he did not ask for, with a family of cursed blood. Groomed – no, forced – into the position of eventually becoming head of it someday. The child, beaten out of the boy, likely ceased to exist before the boy physically stopped existing himself.
Otou-sama knew from the day he learned about his blood, from his parents, that it was not a matter of if, but when, he would suffer from the Inversion Impulse, as all male Tohno eventually do without fail, and nearly all of them do so before they reach the age of forty. He knew no matter what he did, what friends he made, what choices he decided... that his time on this world would be more limited than most.
Oka-sama did not, because Oka-sama died long before Otou-sama even began showing signs of impending inversion. Otou-sama only really began losing the ability to control his blood about nine years ago, around the time that Nii-san was nearly killed by "him." I know that unless Otou-sama would have been very near inverting, Otou-sama would never have told anyone. Not even her. I did not know, myself, that Otou-sama was inverting until I found Kohaku's...
…...Him, keeping that from me, was simultaneously his greatest sin and triumph.
Sin, because had he told me, I would have tried to help him, in any way that I possibly could have. He was my father and I was his daughter; of course I would do whatever I could. A daughter cannot help but love her father, after all, and while he was strict and stern when it came to raising me for the knowledge a head of the Tohno needs to know, other times he was very kind and loving.
Triumph, because if I had walked in at a bad time... it... might not have been Kohaku he raped... instead... it... may have been…...
…...Why…...?
Why do we have to deal with this injustice…...?ǃ
None of us asked for this in our lives! Not myself, not Otou-sama, not even "him!" Not a single one of us asked to be born into this world! And if we were somehow able to see our lives before we lived them, I think that we would have refused.
And we're all forced to be damned this way, just because of our heritage! Just because, thousands of years ago, a race of demons mated with humans... and we, the Tohno, are their thrice-damned half-breed offspring.
The results of a demon falling in love with the beauty of a human... or the more likely explanation, the hellspawn of a human woman who was raped, and we are the illegitimate bastards of their union.
Through hundreds, or maybe even thousands of years, the human sides of our souls and intelligence grappled with and eventually won over the demon side, and we became more human than demon... at the cost of greatly reduced lifespan since to resist the urges to kill meant that we would inevitably be killed by the rejection of our killing impulses taking over our bodies. Then we would become mindless beasts, unable to do anything but listen to those urges. Those urges that say kill. Kill. KILL. KILL. KILL. KILL!
I am blessed... I am blessed because I can control my blood. I can resist the inversion impulse completely. I can live a full, lengthy life, now that I do not have to support Nii-san's life with my own. Tohno Akiha is the rare example of a Tohno for whom a full, normal, human lifespan, if not longer, is not just a dream, but an actual, potential reality, as long as I am not killed by some form of disease or accident.
...And yet, here I am, complaining about how difficult this all is? How I have this horrible, difficult, incredibly hard life... because I got into an argument with a friend over a silly little comic book?
Who the hell do I think I am...?ǃ
This is nothing. Nothing!
My problems are insignificant. Otou-sama would have killed to have had the chance at the life I can have. Perhaps even "he" would, too, if he knew it would get him back to normal. Because the fact of the matter is that my problem is not only incredibly minor compared to what Otou-sama or "he" had to deal with... it is so minor it is insignificant.
And yet, here I complain, and hate myself, and... really act like a spoiled child who is not happy because she cannot get all that she wants.
What a foolish thought.
An idealistic, perfect, happy life is impossible. It is especially impossible for one who is a bastard of two races and does not feel she belongs into either one.
Yet furthermore, it is impossible to have a perfect existence, fundamentally. Unless one is a god or a goddess, there is no such thing as perfection, only the constant desire and want to attempt to attain it. Some beings may be gods in certain circumstances, but eventually they will return to a point where they are just as vulnerable to the whims of another.
And here I stand, naïvely wishing for some sort of perfect existence.
…...I do not deserve such a thing.
There are those more noble than me. Those who deserve such a life free of worry, problems, trials and tribulations far more than I do. Such an easy life is best given to someone who is far more deserving of it than I ever shall be.
…...One of those people is standing right next to me, on my left.
She is looking worriedly at me. My ears register that she is calling my name, but my brain immediately rejects it. Now is not the time to talk to Yumizuka-san.
No... now is the time to run. To flee. To get away from this intense pressure that I suddenly feel weighing me down.
I take a few steps back. She approaches as I do. She will not let me get away easily.
...Those eyes... I do not like them. They are glaring at me. How condescending. She is looking down on me, as if I were some weak-minded fool...
...I want to rip them out of her skull, and squeeze them until they pop with a satisfying gush of fluid in my hand.
…..No, I don't want to do that! Th, that's Yumizuka-san! I want to help her, not hurt her!
This chill of doom grows as I stand here. The closer Yumizuka-san gets to me, the closer I can feel Death tracing the bones of its fingers across every inch of skin on my body.
…...If I do not get away from here…...
Without thinking about it, I break into a run. I do not know why... I need to run... if I do not run, something bad will happen...
Yumizuka-san calls after me, but before long, her voice fades into silence.
* Shuubun no Hi - A holiday in Japan, on the day of the Autumnal Equinox. In 1985's case, this was September 23.
...I must get away...
...I must get away...
...If I do not get away, God will strike me down...
Next Week (10/17/10) – Chapter 20: "Emotional Abstracts"